<p>It’s a process for sure. Last year, when DD (our only child) was a freshman, I cried … a LOT! I cried at home, at work, in the car, everywhere. Now, please understand that I am a big crier anyway … I tear up when others cry, I cry at certain commercials and movies, weddings, graduations, etc. I tried to tell myself it wasn’t the absence of DD. She was, and is, so very happy at school, and we are happy for her. I went to the doctor and sobbed. I hoped she would tell me my thyroid levels were off (I have hypothyroidism) and that a mere tweaking of my synthroid would do the trick, but that wasn’t it. I was given a prescription for an anti-depressant and encouraged to “talk to someone”. I’m not sure why, but that was a turning point. I didn’t fill the prescription and I didn’t “talk to someone”, except for my husband who was feeling the same way as I. I think I just needed to pinpoint the cause of my constant tears. DH and I talked and have come to the realization this is a time for change and growth for us, too. </p>
<p>DD is now a college sophomore and I am making big strides. I didn’t cry the last time she left after one of her infrequent visits. With her blessing, DH and I blew off parents weekend to go on a cruise during my fall break. I think of her often, but without crying. She is having the time of her life and DH and I plan to have some good times, too. DD doesn’t want us sitting at home crying over her. She wants us to have fun, too. I love, love, LOVE it when she visits us or we visit her, but we’re all pretty happy right now.</p>
<p>Splashmom, you make me want to cry in sympathy. I sometimes am like that too, though most times made of steel. It’s a process, yes? After all three had left for various destinations this fall, I was over at my neighbors briefly, and they said brightly 'Now you can sell your house for x family that needs the space and you can travel." I sobbed right there in front of them, as I felt all I had left were cats and community at that point. I felt like an idiot, but they seem more careful with comments these days. Having seen the world in my younger days, I know travel doesn’t substitute for a home base, and it certainly doesn’t pay the tuition bills. </p>
<p>Shawbridge, you’re right. If feeling alone, I do tell myself that the world is filled with unmet need, and there is plenty to get busy with, in this town as well as elsewhere.</p>
<p>I’m reading “Inventing the Rest of Our Lives: Women in Second Adulthood” and the author talks about some women needing a blank space to just sit and listen to themselves before moving on to the next stage of life. I’d certainly like to think that the nothing much I’m getting done these days is actually productivity in disguise.</p>
<p>Sending our oldest S to college this fall was easy for him, very difficult for me. I am thrilled when he calls home. He actually finds it funny that I worry about him. Is he eating enough, warm enough, getting enough sleep??? One would think with four younger sons at home it would be nice to be down by one, but it isn’t. Well, we are lugging home fewer gallons of milk each week. I can’t bring myself to clean up his half of the room he shares with out next S who is a high school senior. All of his stuff that he left everywhere I just piled on his bed. Every time I go in there to put it away all I can do is think about how much I miss him. Next year at this time, we will be down by two. How long does it take adjust to kids being away?</p>
<p>bethie: One of my friends who is a luddite and computer-phobe generously tried to convince me that all the time I spend on CC is “following my bliss” and not wasted time, but rich and productive.</p>
<p>My, what richness of the emotions you have all shared here. I could not have spoken about any of my up down rollercoaster ride with anywhere near the clarity and grace with which many of you have written.</p>
<p>My question is this: What do you all say to those parents who genuinely seem thrilled that their children have left the nest? How do you react? I was at a dinner party the other evening, populated by a group of happy empty nesters. No lamentations, no open spaces, no discussion of the children that these folks once had living primarily in the parents’ worlds. I did not find one person in the bunch who shared my lingering sadness in the least, and mind you, my DS is only 16, and in France with SYA ! He’s coming back for his senior year ! </p>
<p>I heard a variety of comments from “Isn’t it easier having one less at home?” (no, practically speaking, it is not - the other two fill up my world quite well thank you) to “Now, you get a taste of what it will be like when they are grown and gone; I bet you can’t wait”. (Really, I can wait). I tried my standard reply: “I genuinely enjoy my children’s company now and I expect to in the future. Having them less a part of my life is very difficult in the same way as having anyone that I care for less actively sharing my day to day experiences, and I, theirs.” Not one person agreed with me. I heard responses ranging from how I would change over time ( I do not expect to miss them any less tomorrow than today, only to grow accustomed to the difference in my life) to suggestions along the lines that I must get out and do more. (Gee, as I have a full time job, two still at home, and some community activities, I do not know where I would fit in ‘doing more’). </p>
<p>Reading these posts at least convinced me that there are those who have many a similar sentiment as I do. Thanks.</p>
<p>These people MAY be feeling sad on the inside and putting on a happy face, or they may be further along in the process of adjustment and seeking other fulfillments on a daily basis.</p>
<p>I’m with Curm, I did not know it when I started a family, but it turns out I love spending time with my kids- when they want to be with me; for the most part raising them has been great and both my DH and made some career adjustment so we could be more involved on a daily basis- I would not change any of that, but what allowed me the flexibility to do so much with them also deprived me of a working social network. That combined with moving last year means I am starting from scratch in finding new friends and after years of having friends gleaned from the sidelines of sporting events, I am trying to recall what other great topics there are for adult discussion.</p>
<p>I would love to be a successful artist as was mentioned earlier- or discover some other talent/passion, I guess I feel like a HS senior being told to talk about my passion on my college app and realizing I have focused on grades and scores and not developed a passion and wondering where to begin.</p>
<p>Since I worked, I did not have time to work and focus on the kids and find “my passion” it is now time to find that passion and I have to accept I may try a few things and it may be a bumpy road. </p>
<p>I also chose a job that offered great flexibility so am considering how to change careers for something more interesting, yet scared to give up that flexibility.</p>
<p>Yikes, so much to consider. I want to not be “lame” and simply mourn the kids and agree with those who have said that the possibilities of them coming back home for anything other than a transition would not likely indicate good things for the kids- that’s true, doesn’t mean I don’t miss the excitement of the old HS basketball game ;)</p>
<p>I want my kids to be developing themselves at university and I hope I can develop myself, too, so they (and DH) find me interesting :o</p>
<p>I have one left at home and am already aware when she is gone for a weekend how quiet the house is! I want to find some fun, exciting interests to pursue with DH, but am not yet sure what those will be.</p>
<p>There is also something in our culture that for all the ‘family values’ talk in certain circles, puts a very high worth on independence and not needing others. I’ve always lived and acted as if independence and freedom of expression were the end all and be all of existence. To care too much, admit you need people can be seen as a sign of weakness, something to ‘get over’. It has been a revelation to me to learn to admit how much I do care about family, and that nothing feels better than having those around that you are bonded with. The process certainly grows on you in unanticipated ways, and changes over time from those early days with an infant (or two), where you just long for a few hours of alone time so life can feel like it once did. </p>
<p>I wonder if those talking about the joy of the empty nest so much are just identifying more strongly with that common independent mindset.</p>
<p>We do have a friend who couldn’t wait until her boys left for college. She was a very good Mom and I know she loves her kids, but was always more of a career person and enjoys her kids more now that they’re independent. She was always trying to drag me out to evening activities when I preferred staying home with my son. We never understood each other. I’m sure she thought I was depriving myself of what I (meaning she) really wanted–a night on the town.</p>
<p>My mother told me that she felt the loss of our time in the car once I started driving last year. And now that I’m a senior who’ll be a couple thousand miles away next year, she openly cries and gets emotional quite a bit. I definitely understand that it’s hard for her, though.</p>
<p>Bethievt - funny, but I have always thought of myself as a ‘career’ mom; I have always worked, and, think have enjoyed some measure of success. From my limited vantage point, the comments about ‘independence’ seem to ring the most true - we’ve been taught to value our own ‘time’, do our own ‘thing’, accomplish our own ‘goals’. What if our time is inextricably linked to the activities of our families? Career or not, that has been true for me. The e-mails I answer first on my blackberry are always those from my kids or related to my kids - when DS first left for France, I kept that damn thing in my room at night in case an e-mail came in from him in the middle of the night. ( Yes, I was obsessive - I am a tad better now - I look at the blackberry only after I shower in the morning!). </p>
<p>I also would speculate that some parents seek respite from the conflict that can arise in the day to day life with a high school student - either over school, or social circles, or activities. Where there is a high conflict home, the resulting departure by the student is welcome. I did hear comments along that line from the happy parents at last weekend’s dinner party - Junior was always leaving the car with no gas, fighting with sibling, arguing with stepmom. I heard, between the lines, relief at conflict averted…</p>
<p>Consider this: In the '60s, “empty nest syndrome” got a name. (I think it was the '60s, wasn’t it?) But women had many many many fewer choices and opportunities. They had “mother’s little helper” and affairs with the milkman, but really, what did they have?</p>
<p>We’re undergoing a transition, and we miss our kids. But there is light at the end of the tunnel for us.</p>
<p>Remember how young we are? I’ve got a good 40 years to go yet.</p>
<p>moewb: I feel as you do. I am not sure empty nest is the right terminology though. I don’t miss having people at home, I miss my kids, the individuals they are. They are my best friends, and they have said the same to me.</p>
<p>I like my clean, neat house. I don’t mind being alone in the house, which I am a lot because of H’s work schedule. I like eating alone, reading, talking to you all, even going to the movies alone is okay.</p>
<p>I like my job and having more time to do it; it requires a lot of at home work.</p>
<p>However, I still miss my two very, very good friends, just as I would miss a best friend who moved away.</p>
<p>I always joked that I couldn’t find people with my exact interests so I made them. DS called about a benefit in honor of Patrick Doyle held in London that he was dying to attend. He said, “The problem is mom, you’re the only one who knows who Patrick Doyle is.” (Composer for many British movies.)</p>
<p>So satisfaction with one’s life (I know he’s having a good time) doesn’t remove the sting of missing those we are particularly simpatico with. It seems that many on this thread have this same experience of really sharing many things with their children.</p>
<p>Time will help I’m sure. I got used to new rhythms with D and will with S.</p>
<p>I am really loving my students, who are 18 - 25. Today one wore a T-shirt that boldly said in white on red, “Give me love!” I did hug him. He really seemed to enjoy it, too.</p>
<p>I come from a very close family…my parents became true empty-nesters this year when my little sister left for school. My dad, who traveled a lot when I was a kid, is now working at home most of the time. And my mom, who stopped working just before I was born (always planning to go back, but turning into Super Mom instead…literally), has tossed around a variety of ideas, but not really pursued them. The effects of “empty nest” seem kind of polarized for them. On one hand, they just had a great time out of town for a weekend with another couple…nice to have that freedom, I’m sure. On the other hand, while they were gone, I got an email from my dad (“This is my work email…I’ll be checking it over the weekend”) and a text message from my mom (“Hope the apartment search is going well…we’ll be home in 17 hours”), followed by a joint phone call as soon as they got home. And the dog and cat are getting a lot of love (parents and kids–even from afar–both make sure of that)! I’m living abroad this year, though, and very much alone, so as much as I worry about how things are going at home, I love all of the phone calls and the openness. Helping my mom to load and figure out Skype was an excellent use of some time.</p>
<p>And this thread made me cry. More than just a little bit :p</p>
<p>Parents should be aware that as happy and busy as the kids might be, we sometimes miss home just as much as you miss having us there, and we worry about you, too!</p>
<p>I am so grateful for this thread. It’s year two of no children home and it’s worse this year than last. Last year I think I still felt needed and I was just so happy that things were going well with the younger one and there were some bumps along the way with the older one. But this year it’s just deadly quiet. And even though the older is coming home again after graduation, I am stuck in this feeling of grief. I miss the whole family and I feel that it’s lost forever. Rationally I know that this is the way it’s supposed to be and that prayers have been answered to get to this point. But I am so sad anyway. It does make me feel better to know I am not alone!</p>
<p>It is good to hear that some of the kids miss home and worry about parents and siblings. I know that having your children independent is the goal, but the separation from someone you care so much for and have watched grow from a newborn to a capable young adult is rather bittersweet. We will all have to learn to enjoy our children as adults, even though we will never stop being a parent. Do they ever change the sheets on their beds in college?</p>
<p>S1 in his second year of college now. The transition went extremely well and I’ve not really felt sad or depressed about him being gone. He is happy and doing very well, which contributes to my comfort level about the change. Also, I think having a special needs child has helped me grasp the true blessing and happiness it is to have a well-adjusted, normal child who CAN attend college and live independently away from home. Besides, S and I communicate pretty frequently and probably talk longer about more important topics now than when he lived at home. And as another poster mentioned, the last few years of high school were so busy that his being at college is not too terribly different than his being away at school, at after-school sports practice, or up in his room studying.</p>
<p>As for D, who’s a hs soph, I think the absence-of-household-conflict-when-child-leaves-home model might apply there and keep me from being too terribly sad about it.</p>
<p>But, as a stay-at-home-mom for so many years, I do feel a lot of apprehension about what will happen when (if?) my youngest flies away. I worry that I’ll be so old and so long out of the workforce as to be pretty much unmarketable. Also, I worry that by the time I’m “free,” I’ll be too tired and worn out to take advantage of it!</p>
<p>There will be no large pets in my future, that much I know.</p>
<p>GFG: you are just the type of former stay at home mom that I’d want on my staff, so do not underestimate yourself. Work ethic is ten fold more important than skill set. You can never retrain employees to want to get things done!</p>
<p>Find a smaller environment, with a compassionate supervisor who has been in and out of the work force. She’ll ‘get’ you. </p>
<p>Thank heaven for this thread. It is 3am here on the East Coast, and I have re-read each post, drying my keyboard as I go…</p>
<p>GFG: Let me second moewb’s response. I have a small firm that has a few administrative positions (not secretaries) that require real intelligence and a good attitude (work ethic plus resourcefulness plus being willing to take ownership of projects). We actually do best in these positions hiring people with little experience who are bright and have a great attitude. We also steer away from people with a fair bit of experience, especially in big companies as they typically don’t have either the right attitude. An older mother coming back to the work force can work. I’ve actually had, at one point, an administrative staff composed of single mothers, all but one of whom hadn’t completed college but were very bright. I can easily imagine hiring a mother returning to the work force if she were clearly bright and had the right attitude. Energy level would be a consideration though as these can be pretty frenetic jobs that can have some travel (the single moms can typically travel). One young woman (probably about 23) who this past year has gone to Budapest, Switzerland, Barcelona, and someplace less exciting like Houston.</p>
<p>babar, my father-in-law grew up in a family that split up when he was in high school – his father remarried to “the witch,” several of the kids moved in with their older, married sister. He had an extremely strong urge to maintain family closeness after the kids went off to college. He was well-to-do and what he did required resources, but could probably be emulated without as much money. The first year I met my future wife, she was an art student living in a tenement with little heat. However it had air conditioning in the bathroom – if you looked at the ceiling, you could see the folks in the upstairs bathroom. He rented a large condo in Maui for 3 weeks over Christmas break and offered to send each kid a ticket. He had 3 kids in college/grad school and one high school kid at the time. They were each welcome to bring a friend (boyfriend/girlfriend/just friend) and would have, with their friend, their own bedroom – no judgment. My wife brought me and we had a blast and spent 3 weeks with him./the family He and his wife did this for a number of vacations including a bike trip in China. They had a condo in Florida and a couple of country houses in Canada. When they built a big house to replace one of these small country houses, he asked each of his kids what he would have to include to have them spend a meaningful amount of time there – and he did what they suggested. In addition, I like getting out of the New England winter and after they sold the Florida condo, they started renting a house near the beach. When our kids (and their cousins) were little, he started renting it for months at a time. What better place than a Florida break for a couple of weeks before the kids were in meaningful school? By setting all this up, he got his grown kids coming back over and over again, which set a pattern that is still in place today (even if he no longer is). The general principle is to organize activities that draw your kids back when they otherwise wouldn’t (e.g., “Let’s see: 3 weeks in Maui or tenement in Providence in December/January?” Oh, the choice was tough.)</p>
<p>Our family is one of those that has placed a value on independence, and I’ve recently decided we kind of overshot the mark on that one. </p>
<p>On one hand, equipping your kids to transition seamlessly to life away from home is kind of the ultimate gift to them. On the other, well, basically, I think it’s a little like shooting yourself in the foot.</p>
<p>I “met” a young man here on CC who was applying to Princeton the same year as S1. In the great tradition of our globe seeming to have shrunk in the dryer, he ended up being one of S’s freshman roommates. I received an email from him after the Christmas holidays commenting that S1 was by far the “most grounded” of the six guys in the suite. Maybe S paid him to say it, but it’s been a little mental charm on my parenting bracelet ever since.</p>
<p>We discussed this thread at the dinner table last night. MIL was with us and said she and FIL had a party when their youngest went to college in the 70’s. Seems to me that the parents of that generation were more likely to see their job as having a beginning and an end, and didn’t take as much stock in the “adult relationship” with their kids as we do. Less pressure on everyone, I guess.</p>