<p>I have two sons heading off to college this fall.</p>
<p>One is unencumbered by romantic entanglement.</p>
<p>The other has a girlfriend who will be a senior in high school this coming year.</p>
<p>Any advice on dealing with a kid who is leaving a girlfriend (or boyfriend) behind?</p>
<p>One of my worries (although it will hopefully be mitigated by the lack of transportation aspect of things) is that my son will find excuses to come home just to visit the girlfriend. Even though he won’t have a car his college is still close enough that he could potentially live at home (although he doesn’t want to do that…he DOES want to live in the dorms), so distance isn’t as much of an obstacle as it might be if he were attending as far away as his brother is. (40 minutes vs. 3 hours.) </p>
<p>Fortunately I LIKE the girlfriend…but I know it’s going to be hard on them being apart and if there’s anything I can do/say that will help him cope with his feelings of missing her I’m open to them!!!</p>
<p>My advice is to make sure that you have adequate cell phone minutes…D1 (a hs senior) and her b/f (away at college) ran up huge bills before we figured out a better way. They paid the overages, but I still felt bad that they were wasting money. </p>
<p>It lasted 2 years before they broke up so I was glad we fixed that problem early!</p>
<p>Life and love will play out as it is meant to. Be prepared for an adjustment, possible up and down moments for both of them, look for signs of downward trend in grades or emotions that could require intervention or concern, otherwise this common situation will work itself out. Be there, be supportive without being overbearing or judgemental.</p>
<p>Well, currently they hardly ever talk on the phone. The girl is living in a single parent household and they’ve dropped their land line and only the mom has a cell phone!!! So if that situation remains the same then he’s automatically not going to be able to call her during the day…mom is at work. I think it’s hilarious that in order to talk to the girlfriend he has to call her mom and talk to her first…it’s like the old days back when I first had a boyfriend!!</p>
<p>If the girlfriend has a computer with Internet access, they’ll probably communicate that way. There is a thing called Skype that is like talking on the phone – only with visuals added. But even without that, a lot of relationships are maintained by instant messaging and e-mails.</p>
<p>AT&T has unlimited minutes between AT&T cell phones. They Go Phone, pay as you go, would be $1/day/phone ($2/day for the two of them). They only charge the $1 on days calls are made/received.</p>
<p>“Fortunately I LIKE the girlfriend…but I know it’s going to be hard on them being apart and if there’s anything I can do/say that will help him cope with his feelings of missing her I’m open to them!!!”</p>
<p>My advice is to avoid giving unasked for advice, and be willing to listen to your S and to be open to all possibilities. There’s a big chance that his being in college will lead to a quick breakup or a Thanksgiving “turkey drop.”</p>
<p>I also suggest not reaching out to the girlfriend in his absence. While it’s fine that you like the girlfriend, she’s not your S’s fiance or wife. Typically high school relationships don’t last, and if it seems to your S that you’re more invested in his relationship than he is, that can lead to a rift in your relationship with your S.</p>
<p>Keep in mind that most people change a lot during freshman year in college, when their worlds open up – including the world of new romantic possibilities, so just take things as they come for your S with a girlfriend.</p>
<p>Don’t make predictions or plans either way – about his missing his girlfriend, about the relationship lasting or not lasting. Anything can happen.</p>
<p>My S is nearing the third anniversary with his high school girlfriend. He did not leave her behind in town, as they both graduated h.s. last year and took off to different out-of-town colleges, but otherwise similar to this case I guess.</p>
<p>Our rule was that H and I are investing heavily in his college education and that he is to “make the most of it.” That means, among other things, no off-campus weekends except when the school closes for fall break, Thanksgiving, etc. He is expected to focus on his academics and campus life. He has made many friends of both sexes at his college and is spending some time this summer getting together with them, as well as working and seeing his GF.</p>
<p>Son and his GF did fine this first year of separation – no turkey drop, lots of SKYPE. They communicate daily. I did tell S that when he was home Thanksgiving for weekend we wanted him to spend the holiday with our family all day (as we had out-of-town extended family in for the holiday) but that the rest of the weekend he could spend as he wished.</p>
<p>Who knows if this relationship will be “the one” but we handle it as if it could go either way. As long as both partners are putting their educations first at this point, and treat each other well, I am fine with it. (S’s GF happens to be very driven, and highly focused on her career plans, which is great IMO.)</p>
<p>My plan is definitely to remain as ‘out of it’ as possible!!! I like the girlfriend in that if this works out, fine, if not, that’s fine too!!! (I’ve known people who were actively WANTING their kid to go off to college in hopes that they would ‘lose’ the hometown girl/boyfriend!)</p>
<p>I also plan to have a discussion with my son about the fact that school DOES need to be his priority (if he starts whining about missing his girlfriend too much) because doing well in school will serve BOTH of them best in the future (should they remain together.)</p>
<p>This is his first girlfriend so it’s kind of new territory with him all around.</p>
<p>Just let it be. My D left to go to flagship U 6 hours away, and BF stayed home at state college. We didn’t make a big deal of it, although I did take care of getting unlimited family texts and more minutes, with guidelines on talking more 7p to 7a etc. She joined a sorority, got involved on campus. He came up with us for 3 football games, she came home for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Spring term she came home 3 times total, including spring break. I really thought it would pass. But it did not…</p>
<p>The good thing is that she was motivated to come home for the entire summer. She’s home, it’s as if they were never separated, but I think this coming year will be tougher. Maybe this is the year they decide the look around. At least she has NO interest in anything permanent before she is done with grad school. I like him! But he needs time to figure out what his future holds. </p>
<p>I think they will figure it out. If grades or his experience suffers, then you start to say something. Otherwise, just ask how things are going, and let him make his own decisions. My opinion: ultimatums, or saying “you can’t” or “you shouldn’t” pushes them harder to think “yes I can, and yes I will.” And he needs to be successful for the relationship to be successful. That holds true for both of them.</p>