I’m a high school senior, heading to college in the fall, but I’m posting here because I want opinions from parents.
I have had the same boyfriend since middle school. We really love each other and hope our relationship lasts! We’ve chosen schools that are less than 2 hours apart.
My parents like him a lot. They say they’d be delighted if the relationship lasts. But they also think that a big part of college is learning to stand on your own feet. His family seems to feel the same way about me.
Our parents got together and they have asked that we not see each other for a period of time while we adjust to college and make friends. I’m curious what other parents feel about this idea, and if so what kind of time period do you think is reasonable.
If it makes a difference, we each have have a four day “fall break” in October, on different weekends. We will also both be home in the same city for Thanksgiving and winter break.
At the same time, my daughter had a breakdown very early (a month or two in) and we had to fly her home. But her bf was a flight away.
They each visited once each semester - so didn’t see one another often but regularly. They actually first broke up. Then she had a date with someone and he didn’t like that…etc etc.
So it depends.
But this is why they invented Facetime.
I don’t think anyone could put an answer on this - but if you were my kid, I’d say - you’ll see him when you come home for Fall Break or Thanksgiving - if you don’t have Fall Break.
But what they say now - will not likely be what happens - especially if one of you breaks down emotionally.
btw - she recovered from that initial shock - and did very well - so you can too.
And if not, society is littered with HS sweethearts - that were just that - and both loved that experience and person - but found new lives that carried them forward.
Your relationship can also be seen as helpful as you transition to a new environment and people. It can give you strength, ground you, empower you. It all depends on how much you depend on it and whether it interferes with adjustment or enhances it. Make sure to fully explore the potential of your new environment!
In other words, if a roommate asks you to go out somewhere, and you expect a call from your boyfriend, tell him you are going out and talk to him later
That’s why we decided we set it as the upper limit when looking at schools.
Because our fall breaks don’t line up, we wouldn’t see each other at home then. But one thought we had is we might use that break to visit each other on each other’s campus. Thanksgiving is the other option, but that feels far away.
We went 8 weeks last summer without seeing each other, and with little contact because one of us was working at a sleep away camp with little phone access. It went OK. No one broke down. But it was helpful to know the end date.
If your relationship is strong, you can easily endure 6 weeks apart. Your parents are right. And if you can’t endure 6 weeks apart, then it’s better to know now, when you are 18, than in a few years if you got married or something.
It’s really important to make new friends at college. There are thousands and thousands of college students in long distance relationships. A lot of them make it, a lot of them don’t. No prizes for assuming that it’s probably better to find out earlier if you will succeed on your own, without a boyfriend possibly making it harder to meet new people. Not that that is going to happen, but any supportive boyfriend or girlfriend wants their SO to meet new people and be able to be happy with new friends. The parents have the right idea.
The date that we (the kids) are proposing is my fall break, which is 7 weeks. The date that our parents are proposing is Thanksgiving which is 14 weeks.
We agree that we should stay on our campuses until we’re settled in. We’re just hoping to be settled in by October.
I’m not worried we won’t endure. We go to separate high schools, and see each other a couple times most weekends, but sometimes things happen and we miss a weekend. It’s rare that we see each other during the week. We have both mutual friends, and friends from our high schools and neighborhoods. Last summer we were separated for 2 months. So, we do know how to be apart.
Personally, as a parent, I would stay out of it and let things evolve naturally. One of my kids went across the country for grad school, and the continued long distance relationship (by phone, and occasional visits) really helped them get settled and did not interfere at all with making new friends or pursuing new interests.
But your parents of course have your best interests at heart. I don’t know if you can talk to them about this or if it is just something you have to follow. I think it is better to be honest all around than to be put in a situation where you have to sneak! What are the consequences if you and your boyfriend do not agree to this period of not seeing each other? Will you talk on the phone or Zoom?
Just want to wish you and your boyfriend good luck at your respective schools this fall.
They are your parents so we have no say, but it seems reasonable to give it at least a month before you see one another. Beyond that, just let things happen as they will. I do think the thanskgiving date seems a bit arbitrary. Maybe there is logic behind it. They should be wary of trying to prevent you from seeing one another based on a random time frame.
I know our parents mean well. I see their logic on waiting, I just think Thanksgiving is long. We plan to talk to them together, and ask them to consider letting me visit him over my fall break.
If they say no we won’t sneak. Neither of us would do that. And they aren’t threatening a consequence because that’s not really how either of our families work.
His parents have said he can take his car to campus second semester, so then we will probably see each other a few times each semester.
I assume we will talk. We also do this thing where we have FaceTime on when we study and we’ll probably do that or our schedules align.
I think the logic is that they don’t want us leaving our respective campuses, or visiting the other campus, but since we’ll both be home for Thanksgiving that’s fine.
I think my parents and his parents have different reasons for why this is important to them.
Admittedly I am in the jaded camp and wanted my kids to explore themselves without the influence of a committed long term partner. (I got married to the kid I dated my senior year in high school and got divorced thus I am skeptical because I know how much we both changed by our mid 20s.)
Another big factor to consider is that where would each of you stay when you do go visit the other person if you go to their school?
2 hours is close enough for a day trip. Both of our parents live kinda in between, so we could also meet there.
My school is pretty popular with kids from both our high schools, and we have male friends there that he could crash with. We don’t know anyone at his school, but hopefully he will make some female friends I could crash with.
Oh yes, for sure. I know both of my kids did host occasional overnight guests in their dorm rooms or apartments, but anything more than a night or two, especially with a bf or gf, would definitely cause tension.
I didn’t put staying in each other’s room on my list of options for that reason. I wouldn’t want to share a room with my roommate’s boyfriend so I wouldn’t ask my roommate to do it either.
I am also not sure where the 4 nights comes from. But maybe my parents are thinking that? That’s a good thing to make clear that we are thinking either a day trip, or staying one night if we can work it out.
A day visit that doesn’t extend into the late evening hours might be OK after the first 6 weeks or so. But no overnight or extended visits until second semester.
Too much a distraction,
Also roommates are still getting to know each other and you don’t want to impose them, nor impose on one his friends he might expect to crash with when visiting.
