any experience with downsizing/moving away?

Parent Cafe
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<p>We are seriously talking about selling our house in the spring and moving to our vacation house two hours away. I am pretty upset about this. We have lived in this nice suburban town for 18 years–its my home. We have the big family house here full of furniture and memories. The other house is in a rural vacation area, quite remote. 15 minutes away from any stores, no Starbucks, no bookstore, no Target. I just can’t imagine how I’m going to do this. My H prefers the vacation house location and goes there every second he can.</p>

<p>We will have to get rid of almost everything from this house as the vacation house is already furnished with things appropriate to that house, which is a different style. I know we are lucky to have this option, but I am so sad about this.</p>

2

<p>We had some friend who did this when their youngest graduated from high school. And yes, they sold off almost everything, had a big party to say goodbye to everyone from the last 25 years and decamped to the shoreline. </p>

<p>They are very happy, my husband loves their community (we’re thinking of a different one on the shore tho), but I don’t think it’s as remote.</p>

<p>A suggestion: can you get a small condo or rental apartment in your current town during the transition period so you have an anchor in your comfort zone?</p>

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<p>Our neighbors across the street have arranged their work schedules to that they spend a long weekend every weekend at their place about 2 hours away. It’s also remote on the water. They have used the time to get to know the folks around there. They started having dinner parties, getting to be part of that neighborhood, even though neighbors are a mile away by road. In a couple of years they expect to sell the house and re-locate completely. By then it will be moving home for them. Maybe something like that would work for you in transition.</p>

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<p>bookiemom - Please don’t be offended by this - I am not a marriage counselor but perhaps you and your husband should go.
From reading your post, he has made this decision and you are abivalent. I know of long term marriages that have broken up over such decisions.</p>

<p>As far as the lifestyle change, it will be culture shock. As least we have the internet now! Lifestyle changes can take some time getting used to, perhaps in a year or two you will have adjusted but what if you haven’t?
I think both parties in a couple need to be on the same page for such a monumental decision to work.</p>

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<p>I love where I live , but would much rather live near my family in the area where I grew up. The thoughts of leaving the house we live in when our youngest is in college has crossed my mind , but we have at least 5 yrs to go</p>

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<p>DH and I have somewhat different visions of retirement. I’m a big-city girl and want that lifestyle. He wants a place in the mountains. Short of moving to Denver (which would be just fine but we want to stay on the East Coast for family reasons) we’ve decided that we will get a condo in a city and a house in the mountains within several hours of that city. We’ll go back and forth . . . best of both worlds!</p>

<p>To the OP: is it finacially feasable to keep both of your places and just go back and forth?? That way you’ll both be happy.</p>

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<p>My wife and I are just beginning the process of downsizing and plan to put the house on the market in the Spring. We have been here over 20 years, have a pregnant daughter living 2 miles away and the younger is a 5 hour drive away. We will be moving from the East coast to the West. We don’t have a vacation home all set to move into so we face deciding on a location, buying or renting and making a move. This past week we did the easy stuff - new roof, new driveway this week and a handyman will start with some of the fixup prior to selling the house.</p>

<p>It has been a hard time reaching this retirement plan and the trauma of going through this process is just starting. Economic realities mean I need to work for many more years or we need to move to a reasonable cost area. The later is a much better choice. It is also time to do some fun things like get a camper and travel. With a move and sale of the house there will be money for those things. </p>

<p>Retirement is like any other major life change. It comes with risk, and work.</p>

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<p>bookiemom, if you’re so upset about leaving the family’s hometown why are you describing it as a fait a compli? </p>

<p>How stable are your children in their college/post college lives? Is there any chance anyone may need to boomerang? </p>

<p>What about your parents? Are they living independently? Or, are they comfortably established in their last home? Do they have any unsaid expecations to live with you in their final years?</p>

<p>If you LIVE at the vacation home, where will you vacation? </p>

<p>How will you see the kids or grandkids at holidays? Can you host everyone at the vacation home? Or, are you willing to be the ones who always travel? </p>

<p>In case you haven’t guessed, my H and I have had the same talks as bookiemom. H wants to dump the large family home when our nest is empty. I want to keep it for all the reasons my questions raise. We’re only 45 and have 15 years left on the mortgage. So a real move is at least a decade away. But, it’s in the back of both of our minds and we’re at opposite ends of the debate. </p>

<p>Good luck, bookiemom. :)</p>

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<p>We are in the midst of figuring it out right now, though job/money issues are keeping this on the back burner for now. In our case, we bought the second home just two years ago, with hopes of moving fairly soon. (we should have waited for housing prices to drop more, but I had a fairly scary health question [not still an issue, thankfully] at the time, and we moved into a “life’s too short” mode.)</p>

<p>We’ve lived in our family house for 19 years, but it’s small, the area around us is changing, and though there’s a lot we like about being in a semi-urban area (walkability, knowing neighbors, sense of community), we are rural people at heart. We grew up down the shore, and it was always in our blood to want to go back.</p>

<p>The house we bought is about three hours away, not on the part of the shore we grew up in, but much farther south. We bought with practicality in mind–not on the water (about half mile away), on high ground, large enough for kids and someday grandkids to fit in, room to move my mom in if necessary, with a big enough yard for a garden, and a basement for beermaking, carpentry, stained glass, or whatever else we take up.</p>

<p>It’s in the area we vacationed in for many years, so our kids are very attached to it. H has some family down here, and like another poster said, we’ve worked to meet people and start to put together a new community of friends. We also hope that once we move, our old friends will come down and visit.</p>

<p>The family house is paid off; on the down side, it is tiny, falling apart, and not going to net much when we sell it, even w/o a mortgage.</p>

<p>Our main sticking point, though, is jobs. We are not near retirement age yet; we’ll move when one of us comes up with a decent-paying job with insurance in that area, but till then, we’re tied to where we have work.</p>

<p>I think what makes this easy for us is that we didn’t buy the house as a vacation house like you did, bookiemom. Though we love our vacations there, and spend almost every weekend (long ones in the summer) we see it as our home as much as our old one, and bought it with that in mind.</p>

<p>I hope this works out well for you, and I also hope, as others have said, that this is a decision that you feel you had a say in. We actually changed our planning along the way; at first, H wanted something extremely rural–a farm far, far from civilization, and we gradually moved to a choice that was a bit more conventional. I was drawn in some ways to the first ideal, but I like better our present mixture of isolation and social connection.</p>

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<p>We have several friends going through that now, too, moving to vacation homes as the last ones head off to college. If you can afford a studio condo in your current town, it might help your transition. Some of our friends have made that choice. Real estate prices are low right now fortunately if you can swing it. Since he’s been decamping to the vacation place every chance he gets, perhaps he wouldn’t mind if you decamped back to the hometown now and then for shopping, friends, etc. I guess you have to figure out for you if it’s “the house” or “the town.” If you don’t need to sell the family home perhaps you can hang onto it for awhile through the emotional transition or potentially hold onto it for your kids. That is what my husband and I will do in a few years, we won’t “sell” the family home when we decamp it will “go” to the kids to figure out. Other friends have sold and while they have moments of sadness or watch old videos it was a decision they ultimately made. It is one of those major milestone moments in a marriage so take the time to make good decisions for you both and your marriage as everyone’s marriage has different dynamics.</p>

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<p>Some advice to add to the above–not having chain stores/coffee shops nearby can be a big change, but look to what is there–are there independent coffee shops (good place to meet neighbors) or other smaller stores? Is there a library? If so, get a card there ASAP and make a point of going as often as possible. Also, check out its website–there may be surprising amount of interesting activities going on that will be reported there. Though the area we want to move to is very sparsely populated, the county library system is much more extensive and active than the one I have now.</p>

<p>Get a car with a good mpg, so that 15 minute drive to “civilization” won’t feel too indulgent. If you are able, take up biking–even if it takes longer, the trip will be part of the activity, instead of an onerous add-on.</p>

<p>Definitely start looking into meeting neighbors. If the home is isolated itself, try joining community groups–library as I said above, place of worship if this makes sense for you, or other groups. maybe the town has a theater group, or an orchestra, or a reading club, etc.</p>

<p>As far as stuff–does everything have to match stylistically (not in my world, LOL). Keep what you love best in your old house, no matter whether it “matches” the new one. Keep what makes you happy, or what’s important to your kids. I announced early on that whatever house we moved to had to fit my dining room table–that’s a non-negotiable.</p>

<p>Best wishes to you!–Garland</p>

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<p>We moved from our home of 15 years with much trepidation. We looked at several different parts of the country and one thing I quickly learned was that I would be very unhappy living full time in a rural, remote, vacation home type environment. I think the words I used were something like, “If I lived here for more than a couple of months I would kill myself!” Attempts at “downsizing” were somewhat futile as well. We gave away, threw out, even sold - tons of stuff, but still could not feel comfortable in less than 4 br 3.5 bath home. Oh well… we are very conveniently located to a metropolitan area and tons of shopping nearby and so far have been very happy after 1.5 years.</p>

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<p>Kids - and parents - can spend huge amounts of time on the transition from high school towards 4 or so years of college. Witness the CC forums. When retirement looms, we are hoping for many, many more than 4 years of retirement. Clearly retirement is a major life change with changes in living styles, finances, acquaintances, friends. It affects virtually every moment of our future lives. It is no wonder that there are so many forums and discussion groups devoted to the topic of retirement…Ops, there are almost none except for forums devoted to financial issues. Why is that? Well, it appears that few people do much planning. The vast majority of people don’t move and they don’t undertake major new experiences. In fact they relax, take life easy…and statistics tell us many people die soon after retirement. In my part of the country, a significant minority of people do downsize and move away due to the high cost of living. Most of the moves seem to follow the same pattern as their neighbors. They move to Florida and more recently North Carolina. Playing a lot of golf seems to be one of the main goals.</p>

<p>There is nothing wrong with playing golf or retirement at the beach or any other location. I would suggest that you think about the options in great detail. If you want to retire to the vacation house at the beach, what are you going to do after the novelty of the first few weeks or months wears off? Is the attraction related to boating, fishing, enjoying relaxing on the beach, or something else? Is that enough? How much fun will the beach be in the winter with howling winds and bad weather day after day?</p>

<p>After a couple of years, my W and I are still working on our retirement ideas. Her initial idea was to spend time bouncing the soon to be born grandchild on the knee. How much time can you spend with such a hobby until the fun wears off and the grandkid and your kids need some space? For us, there is the financial issue to stay here we would still need to seriously downsize, move into a very small house or apartment and get by with funds which would be pretty limited and rule out travel and other expensive pursuits. I would see that as a ticket to an early death. If we move, we can visit frequently and will have money left over for our lives and probably even some contributions for the grandkid’s college fund. There is a time for wiping applesauce off a baby’s face and also a time for setting an example about how one can lead a fulfilling life. I started making a mental list of all the things I would like to do. I started with current hobbies such as archery, fishing, camping. I included future education plans as simple as OLLI courses for seniors. I am also becoming very serious about photography and want to learn the technical aspects but I am also trying to make a transition from an analytical life to a creative lifestyle. If I can continue to progress, I may do some teaching or lead workshops or do event or landscape photography. My wife has started making her list and we are merging our lists to a large extent. I see retirement as a time for new experiences, new activities, new accomplishments. We have so much planned that we will need a second retirement plan later on just so we can slow down. Everyone’s plans and goals would be different. I just strongly recommend you spend as much time as possible considering the future and develop some goals.</p>

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<p>No great advice here but definitely reading all the posts. Our youngest just went to college and we have been talking about this. We live in a very expensive area. No vacation or second home for us and probably too late to buy one.</p>

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<p>edad - just wait until that grandbaby is born, and then see if you still want to move away! ;)</p>

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<p>Our youngest only as 1.5 years more of college, and I figure we can pay off the mortgage within the next 5 years. After that… well, we like where we live, so no plans as of yet. But I’m sure that grandbabies could lure us away!</p>

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<p>Thank you all for your thoughtful posts. I should have explained in my first post that this is a financial decision primarily, not just getting ready to retire. My H will commute to work 2-3 days per week and work from home the rest. He is about two years from retirement. </p>

<p>We can no longer afford both houses due to my H’s business downtown. Four years ago his business was doing very well, so we could afford to either move to a nicer neighborhood and house or keep the current family house and buy a vacation house near the water with an eye to that as a retirement house. The plan was to have a condo or small house in a warm place during retirement after we sold the big family house. We never intended the vacation house to be our only place. We really can’t afford a condo back in our hometown now; they are too expensive. We really need to reduce our mortgages. </p>

<p>We have been enjoying the vacation house for the past three years on weekends, especially in the summer. My H LOVES it there and will not hear of selling it. He grew up on a farm and thinks being out in the sticks in the winter is just fine. It is so dark and windy there in the winter you wouldn’t believe it. (It is two blocks from the ocean.) </p>

<p>I am a child of the suburbs, and I like my street lights and lattes just down the hill! We can walk to our downtown from our house. I like movie theaters and bookstores nearby. I like driving around my own area here and knowing just where everything is. I feel so at home here in this little town. I have attended the same church here for 14 years and sing in the choir. My best friend of 25 years lives here. </p>

<p>We also have recently remodeled this house (thinking we would sell in 4-5 years), doing everything that had been put off while our kids were growing up: we have all new doors, windows, paint inside and out, hardwood floors, light fixtures, all bathrooms remodeled, laundry room remodeled. I picked everything out and lived through a whole year of remodeling.</p>

<p>This house is my style: English cottage garden that I planted and have built up for the past 15 years, lace curtains, antiques, flower prints. The vacation house is my H’s style: Asian decor, Asian-style garden. My beloved possessions collected over my adult life are not going to fit in that house, and it is already full and decorated. If we could sell the vacation house and buy a different, smaller house somewhere that fit my taste more, and I could keep my familiar things around me, then I might feel better. My H, our CPA, and our mortgage broker all agree that financially we should sell the family suburban house and keep the vacation house (2nd homes in vacation area are not selling at all in that area). </p>

<p>NJres said:
one thing I quickly learned was that I would be very unhappy living full time in a rural, remote, vacation home type environment. I think the words I used were something like, “If I lived here for more than a couple of months I would kill myself!”
Exactly.</p>

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<p>This reminds me of when my brother-in-law lost his job a few years ago. They were looking at relocating from their tony suburb with SuperTarget/Whole Foods/Trader Joe’s and anything else you could want, to a much more rural setting in another state. They went for the interview, and my brother-in-law was driving my s-i-l around and she looked out the window and said,“Where’s all the stuff?” He asked what she meant and she said,“You know, Starbucks, SuperTarget…” He kept driving and he saw a Target sign, but just a regular Target. He drove up and said, “See, they have Target!” She said, “There’s nothing super about that Target!” and burst into tears. </p>

<p>I feel for you, because this is a tough position. I don’t mind rural, but I don’t want it all the time, and I don’t like it so much in the winter.</p>

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<p>That is what I’m talking about, Helenback. Kind of the “nice place to visit, but I wouldn’t want to live there” concept. I have a mid-size Target right down the road and SuperTarget in the next town over, right near Whole Foods and Great Harvest Bakery and another good organic foods/gourmet store. </p>

<p>Did your BIL and SIL relocate to this rural area?</p>

<p>My H and I talked more tonight. He said I could come back to civilization with him one or two days per week, he could keep our dogs at his office, and I could take the car and get my fix of shopping, etc. I guess that would be OK.</p>

<p>Our CPA today told my H that 75 % of the small businesses he does taxes for are either out-of-business, close to it, or just on hold with not much income.</p>

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<p>Oh dear bookiemom, I just found this thread and read everything. It looks like you and your H are trying to work things out - and that’s a good sign. It would be really hard for me to make such a move. I’m not too attached to my current home, and I would not miss our hand-planted garden too much, but being in a remote area with no “civilization” would wear me out. I know it sounds like a crazy idea, but is there any possibility you could open and run a coffee shop or a bed and breakfast or something like that in your new location?</p>