any experience with downsizing/moving away?

Parent Cafe
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<p>A BED AND BREAKFAST?!? Oh, Bunsen, you just made my night. I have all I can do to get coffee made for H and myself and get my own bed made. I hate cooking and hate having houseguests, so that wouldn’t be for me. And there is a small chain of local coffee stands that are quite good in this area (island to the west of us), beloved by the locals. I wouldn’t want to invest in any other business, b/c we are having enough trouble keeping the main one afloat.</p>

<p>You will know what I mean by not wanting to leave our area.</p>

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<p>Oh, bookiemom, I feel/share your anxiety. We moved to our current home a little over 3 years ago. H had been commuting 70 miles each way from our previous home for 4 1/2 years, until D graduated from HS. Then she was off to college and S needed to change to a new school since his previous one ended after 9th grade. So, here we are in our “new” location. I love our house, have made lots of friends and am involved in quite a few activities – I feel settled. S graduated from HS and is now a freshman. Meanwhile, H’s firm decided to “go virtual” and he’s now working from home – or wherever there’s internet and phone service. About 6 months ago he announced he didn’t like it here and gave me an ultimatum that we would be moving. We are fortunate to have a second home at the beach, but I absolutely refuse to move there full time. It’s a great place in the summer, but there’s no real sense of community and it’s pretty desolate in the winter. The short version of this story is we’ve put in a bid on a house in a small town on the CT River. We’ll need to spend a lot on renovations, and I’m really concerned about how it will end up. (Did I mention how much I love our current house?) I’m also concerned that H sees this move as a “fix” and what if it doesn’t work? What I mean is, he hasn’t made any connections since moving here, and why is moving going to make any difference? Our move here was for a good reason – his job. I’m not sure I see this next move in the same light – we’re moving because he wants to. I know I sound whiny, but what about me? </p>

<p>Sorry if I hijacked the thread; thanks for letting me vent.</p>

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<p>Bookiemom, I think that I am in your shoes. After our children went to college and my H had a health crisis, he needed to find a new position within his company (the stress of his old job was affecting his health and he needed to change). In fact I told my H of your post and he started laughing and said did you respond and tell her that this is my life! He said that I had to respond to you.</p>

<p>We moved from a city to a resort town. The people in my H’s co. are so jealous, they can’t imagine why anyone wouldn’t want to live here. It was a very plum job and my H loves, loves, loves his job. Me, I’m getting used to it.</p>

<p>Like you I am a city girl. I was less than 5 mins to a Costco, Starbucks and major shopping areas. We had all the shopping you could ask for and were an hour from a major, major city if for some reason I couldn’t find what I needed. The things I miss are things that I didn’t expect. I miss Indian couple at the Dunkin Donuts who I talked to everyday. I miss forgetting something at the store and being able to pick it up in a minute. I really miss the diversity of the city. Where I live now, there are only white people, it’s different. </p>

<p>Where we live now is very nice but different. We live in a very nice home, nicer than the one we moved from. It’s on the golf course, not the water but a very nice subdivision. The people I’ve met are nice but I haven’t met anyone I’ve really clicked with yet. The people in my neighborhood are older and retired but very nice. The nearest grocery store is 15-20 minutes away. The best bake goods I’ve found are at the gas station. They have a coffee house in town but I’ve never been there.</p>

<p>My H loves our new area. What’s not to love. Cheap golf, great trails to bike and run on. Cheap places to eat, tons of lake nearby. Lots of snow in the winter to ski and snowmobile in. It’s a great area for men.</p>

<p>I miss my friends, I miss my kids. I am not used to the conversation here about hunting. Everyone talks about the hunting. It’s deer hunting season right now and I feel like a prisoner. I can’t go to my usual places to walk because there are deer hunters in tree stands in every corner of this place.</p>

<p>I am getting used to it. It happens. My H encourages me to visit my friends in our old city but it’s hard. We are 4 hours away and so I can’t go for the day. There is a small town about an hour away. I go there maybe twice a month and get my Target and Borders fix. I really miss Target and a bookstore.</p>

<p>Compounding the problem is that we moved to an area with really high unemployment. I haven’t been able to find a job and don’t see that I will in the near future. I have a D in college and this is not her home. She did not come her for summer as there are no jobs to be had. I really think that this is affecting her at school this year. I think that she is very homesick and home is not home anymore.</p>

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<p>Bookiemom, </p>

<p>I understand the downsizing and move are in the works due to the downturn of the economy and problems with your husband’s business.</p>

<p>I hope you are using this forum to vent your frustrations. Otherwise, you sound really spoiled. When economic realities force change, it may not be appropriate to whine about missing your favorite lattes and neighborhood conveniences.</p>

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<p>Bookiemom…thanks for starting this thread. It’s good to hear how other couples are dealing with this. And I understand your anxiety.
We bought a small vacation home in a remote area in the mountains over two years ago. It’s about a three hour drive. We rent it and use it. Thankfully, it doesn’t cost us much due to the rental income. We really enjoy our time there…either as a couple or with friends and family members that have joined us. It’s quiet and woodsy and beautiful and has great hiking and biking trails in the area…something my h and I enjoy. </p>

<p>My h has mentioned making this place our home…and I just can’t see it (thankfully, he agrees)…The pluses are that the house is in a large resort area which is a combined vacation and retirement home community. So there are folks who live there full time…but they’re…OLD. Oh my, I know I’ll get there soon but for the moment, I don’t feel like we fit that mold. Bunco and knitting clubs. Yikes! And it’s OUT there…driving to a Lowes or Target takes about 25 minutes. That’s great for a vacation home…but for a real place to live? </p>

<p>So for now, as empty nesters, we are staying put in our family home, in a busy expensive suburb. It’s loud (we’re near highways and lots of ball fields) but the neighbors are great. We have made some good friends here. And there’s a Trader Joes and Whole Foods…and Wegmans all nearby. I love eating good food…don’t know what I would do in remote area! </p>

<p>Bookiemom…maybe you could spend some time doing research on what communities you could join in your new location? That’s my biggest concern…isolation. I’m not sure staying in the family home solves that issue though. My MIL has been in her home for over 40 years. All the neighbors moved and the new ones aren’t very friendly. She knows none of them. She sits home every day and is very lonely. </p>

<p>Anyone try one of those 55 Pus Communities? They seem artificial to me…but I know some of my MIL’s friends are very active and social in these communities and love it. Might be a better place to be when your spouse dies…so sad to think about this though.</p>

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<p>Bookiemom: it sounds like neither house works well for both of you right now. Have you considered selling BOTH houses and finding something you both like? Maybe the next town inland so it’s not so windy and dark? Or the edge of a small town?</p>

<p>My husband and I moved last year, from the white-bread-drive-everywhere eastern suburbs of Seattle to Portland. We’re not in downtown Portland, but on its east side. Still, we’re a pleasant walk from a decent restaurant and a good coffeeshop, and we’re two blocks from the main east-west bus line. I’ve been happily surprised by how quickly my husband adapted to taking advantage of the city–after years of living in the suburbs and saying he hated the city, he’s the one who quickly became a regular at the coffeeshop. If only I’d known that a good latte would get him to move!</p>

<p>Edit/Addition: reading over the posts again, I’m struck how many women are saying their husbands have made the decisions where to live. I too did that for many many years, and for many many years we lived in the suburbs and I wondered how I’d ended up living in a boring house in the suburbs. In the latest move, we rented in the city for a while–my idea–and I got very lucky when we had two weeks of snow and ice, and the only way to get around was to walk. My husband LOVED walking to the store on the snowy streets, and going to the local restaurants on foot, and after that he joined me in walk-scoring (<a href=“http://www.walkscore.com%5B/url%5D”>www.walkscore.com</a>) every house we looked at. </p>

<p>I find myself wondering how many of these husbands who won’t give in… just don’t know there are other possibilities they might like too.</p>

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<p>bookiemom…just a thought…can your rent your vacation home and move somewhere else? Maybe a condo nearby where you currently live? I understand that it would be difficult to sell now (ours would be too) but we continue to get good rental income. It’s one of those places folks can drive too…so it has stayed popular even in a downturn. We rent for long weekends and full weeks and reserve the place for our own use. It helps that there is a good rental agent in town.</p>

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<p>My BIL did not end up relocating. He found a job in their current city, but like a lot of people they’re really trying to downsize right now and not having any luck selling.</p>

<p>I find this thread really interesting, because it’s clear this is another big transition time when the house you’ve raised the kids in is not necessarily suiting your needs anymore. </p>

<p>Also, I don’t think you sound spoiled. It sounds to me like you’re under a lot of pressure and stress being a small business owner in this dismal economy, and it’s very hard to watch your plans change so dramatically. My BIL that took the job near home instead of relocating is making about half what he made at his other job before he was laid off. Are they starving? No. Is he grateful to still have a job in an industry where so many have lost theirs? Yes. But that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t sting, or that it doesn’t wear on them that they’ve had to let go of so many of their plans and dreams for the moment.</p>

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<p>“I just strongly recommend you spend as much time as possible considering the future and develop some goals.”</p>

<p>DW and I are about where eDad (and spouse) are. We’re moving somewhere affordable in a few years, and have begun planning this life-altering event. Fortunately we agree on many possible locations, so that’s different from the OP’s situation. Still, there’s a reluctance on DW’s part to think about what she’d actually do in retirement. We’ll have to address that, because I don’t want the first thing I hear every morning to be “I hate it here.”</p>

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<p>NewHope33, </p>

<p>Actually we are trying to decide if we can get by without picking a “here.” I am not sure it is practical for beginners, but we are considering full time RV travel. My W is pushing for this option. I am more inclined to rent or buy a smaller house. At this point we need to deal with downsizing and getting the house ready for sale. Trends in the real estate market and the amount of stuff we need to store will help to decide the future choices. At least we are reasonably settled on a future location. We did that by considering costs, the part of the country, weather, size, healthcare facilities, and educational and cultural activities. Certainly no place is perfect so we are trying to keep the options as open as feasible.</p>

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<p>edad - At the risk of getting W-A-Y off topic …</p>

<p>DW would like to try the RV life also. But she’d also like to spend periods of time in places she enjoys … San Francisco for example. To make this work we need to establish residence in a low-cost state and rent (for limited periods) where we like. Having California decide that we’re residents simply because we rented there five months would be a significant financial burden!</p>

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<p>Sometimes I envy the married couples on the CC board… but after reading this thread, I think I’m happy that it appears that I will be making these decisions by myself :slight_smile: It is a big lifestyle change, and very tough if two people have different perspectives. One thing I noticed in the thread above (and found with my own ex as well when we built the house I live in today) is that men seem to want to be off more on their own in desolate areas, where women want more community and connection. Sure, there are exceptions, but I think there is a pattern here. Maybe it would help to acknowledge and discuss this gender difference (it is broader than just you as a couple), and try to find ways to reconcile it in the final decision.</p>

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<p>NH,
My wife has relatives in San Francisco and also Portland. I certainly can’t afford SF and did not like Portland. So far our top choice appears to be the Medford/Ashland area in southern Oregon. If you want a dirt cheap area you might consider the Reno area. I understand the housing bust hit so badly that newer houses are available at about $30/sq ft. </p>

<p>I have some concerns about the RV lifestyle. I am not interested in getting a big rig and spending time in RV parks. We are looking for a camper that fits on a pickup truck. These are small with limited conveniences but would allow us to go almost anywhere a truck can get to. I want to see all the national parks and big scenic areas of the West. The last two vacations we returned to some previous vacation areas in southern Utah. Absolutely spectacular but I would not want to live there. Same with this year’s vacation to the Oregon coast. Seven months of the year you would not want to be there except for possibly a short visit.</p>

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<p>intparent, I think you are correct. I got real lucky since my wife really enjoys camping and the “desolute” areas of the West. She is more interested in family than I am. Maybe I will change, but I have minimal interest in dealing when the soon to be grandkid. We have already worked out plans so that she can visit numerous times per year. Once or twice for a very short time would satisfy my interests at least until the grandkid gets to the age of about 7.</p>

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<p>Oh, dear. I was afraid someone might think I’m a spoiled suburban housewife because I don’t want to leave my comfortable home of 18 years and move to an isolated place where I have no roots or activities. In my younger years I moved all over the country in my first marriage. I actually agreed to move across country sight unseen b/c it was the best thing for a new job. I have relocated many times, but now that I am almost 60 I really don’t want to do it again. It’s not just the lattes and stores I will miss, but more importantly, friends, caring doctors, church, sense of community. I remember when the sidewalks were installed in our downtown. It’s home.</p>

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<p>If there is no choice due to economic realities, then it might be best to consider how to make the best of change. My wife and I never anticipated a move after retirement. Now I am looking at the need to move as a blessing in disguise. I will actually be retiring earlier than anticipated. We will be experiencing new and different things. I am comparing this with sending a kid off to college. That too was a big deal. In some ways we all want to hang on the our kids and the past, but the time comes for them to move on. College was the first step. Now my D visits for short periods of time and then she returns “home” to her new life.</p>

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<p>bookiemom, you don’t sound spoiled to me at all; you sound settled. You’ve put down roots where you were planted! It’s hard to be repotted when the pot you’re in fits so well. Just because there’s an economic need to relocate doesn’t mean you can’t lament having to do so. </p>

<p>Sheesh, edad. Do you always throw salt into a wound??</p>

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<p>I don’t think bookiemom sounds spoiled, either. She acknowledges the need to down-size; however, the possible range of choices seems to be tilted to one spouse’s needs/desires, not the other’s. It seems to me natural for the other to feel a little less than enthusiastic. The choices have been couched to her as totally financially-driven, when perhaps there might be other choices that could be feasible, like sell both houses, buy smaller house in current neighborhood-choices which have been taken off the table.</p>

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<p>We lived in our previous home in the northeast for over 20 years. It had been the only home our children had ever lived in. The oldest is still attending a local college there and spends the summer at the homes of his friends. We lived in a fairly rural area with most of our extended family within a 3 1/2 hour drive. DH received a promotion which required moving 1000 miles south to an area of the country I had never even visited. We took a family vote and decided to move mid-June 2008. Late July we visited the area to look for our new home. We arrived around noon on Monday and put in an offer that Thursday, closed and moved in the end of August. We’ve been here a bit over a year now. Dh is very happy. Youngest child is attending college here and still adjusting (still unemployed and no local friends). The unemployment rate is pretty high here but the cost of living is less than where we were so I don’t “need” to work at this time. We are too far to visit the family & friends back home very often and they haven’t been to visit us despite the open invitations. There are very nice people in our subdivision but we haven’t managed to totally fit in yet although we are still working diligently towards that goal. </p>

<p>Bookiemom, as your anticipated move seems to be a financial necessity perhaps you need to focus on whatever positives you can find. You also may want to consider counseling because this really is an emotional upheaval, good or bad. I feel like I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster for a year and half now. I do wish you the best.</p>

<p>Just wanted to add that the currrent vacation home doesn’t need to be your forever permanent home. There is no reason it can’t be your temporary permanent home until the economy impoves and you can sell it. A three hour drive really isn’t that far.</p>

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<p>bookiemom, you do not sound spoiled (not even close to!). I agree with owlice - the older we get, the harder it is to uproot and move to a new location, even if it is 3 hours away (on a bad traffic day). Is your H completely sure that’s the place he will want to be 24/7 after his retirement in a few years? Has he been able to “test-drive” the place for prolonged periods of time (a month or two, not just a weekend here and there)? Is he ready to be “stuck” there?</p>