<p>My son just told us he is gay. We had no idea! We are kinda in shock. We told him we loved and supported him but now we are left with all kinds of feelings: sadness, worry, fear for his future, that he will be be harassed and discriminated against, etc. Are there any parents out there who have gone through this and can offer us any comforting words?</p>
<p>Hi Brooke,</p>
<p>I’ve been there! It’s a shock at first, but I found it helpful for me to remember that he’s the same wonderful son he’s always been. (And if you get uncomfortable thinking about his sexuality, remember that it’s no fun thinking about any of your kids having sex – straight, gay or otherwise!!)</p>
<p>Things will get much better and it’s wonderful that he trusted you enough to share this important part of his life with you. I know it’s a lot to take in, and your mind is probably bouncing between worry about health issues, harassment, telling other family members, and you may be grieving the idea of someday having a daughter-in-law and what you thought his future was going to be…but it does get easier.</p>
<p>My son told us that he was gay 3 years ago (before his senior year of college). He’s now engaged to an incredible young man that he fell in love with, and we all couldn’t be happier to welcome him into our family.</p>
<p>If you’d like to meet with other parents going through this, there is a group called PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) that is a wonderful resource. They have great online articles on their website. [PFLAG:</a> Parents, Families, & Friends of Lesbians and Gays](<a href=“http://community.pflag.org/page.aspx?pid=539]PFLAG:”>http://community.pflag.org/page.aspx?pid=539)</p>
<p>All the best to you, your son and your family.</p>
<p>My cousin came out the closet to his parents last week…in a family where there have been no homosexual members you could imagine the shock it had on his parents!
His dad was so ****ed and his mom was so sad.
I was surprised too! He never gave off any gay vibes, he had girlfriends.</p>
<p>Not a parent of a gay child here (so far as I know) but congratulations! Your son obviously has a good relationship with you, or he would have stayed in the closet. May you, like singme, one day welcome a new son-in-law into the family. </p>
<p>The more we treat homosexuality as just another normal thing, the easier it will be for all our gay and lesbian friends and relatives.</p>
<p>My cousin is gay and I wish he would officially come out to everyone in the family but he hasn’t. It is something no one talks about…the elephant in the room. My Aunt and Uncle know and are kind open and accepting people but it just isn’t talked about. </p>
<p>I am glad your son was able to share this with you. It will be ok.</p>
<p>S is very involved in theatre; he’s not (as far as I know) but has several friends who are. I wanted to give another endorsement for PFLAG. </p>
<p>One of my most respected friends is a retired Metropolitan pastor; one of the best persons I know on this planet. Glad your S could talk to you.</p>
<p>I know the shock feeling since my daughter announced she was a lesbian last year when she was in 7th grade. Although I am getting closer to accepting it, there is still a part of me that thinks she really isn’t. I am so ashamed of my feelings because I never thought this would matter to me. But still, we should be grateful that our children feel they can be open with us. So many kids don’t have that which is so sad.</p>
<p>Been there, done that too. Singme’s comments are right on. Some of your worries never end…but youd have many of the same (and some different ones too) worries as the parent of a straight child. </p>
<p>You need to also acknowledge/recognize that you too may be grieving the loss of a mental image of the future you had that was (understandably) almost guaranteed–and wondering if it is now. You may have had a mental picture of him, married, a future wife that becomes the daughter you never had (hey my son is my only, maybe this is my mental picture), grandkids, etc. After a while you learn to let go of your notions of the future and accept that que sera, sera. And with all the gay couples finding ways to create families, who knows what the future is?</p>
<p>My son revealed this 2 years ago, and I wasnt totally shocked. I had considered the possibility before. But I’ve watched vigilently in the 2 years, realized the worst tme for him was likely junior high, and that he was beyond that now. He swore to me he had not been bullied, but I think this was boy stoicism, the boy code. Im pretty sure he took some crap. But once they are beyond the pain of middle school (and most of us are pained in middle school, lets face it)…Ive realized how much more open and accepting this generation is of gays/lesbians than previous generations. My son is out, doesnt flaunt, doesn’t hide, has never really had a boyfriend, but has plenty of friends–male and female. And he has plenty of male friends who are straight and are more than OK with who he is. There seems to be some gentle teasing, sure, but its no different than the gentle teasing we all do with our friends.</p>
<p>I know you are shocked and processing. It will definitely get better. I’m sure yoou wish it werent true for no reason other than you dont want a difficult life for your child, and no doubt this isnt an easy path–but it also isnt as difficult in 2011 for young adults as we fear. </p>
<p>All the best.</p>
<p>MSPearl, I agree it’s so much better to have it out in the open in the family. I was so worried about how the extended family – especially grandparents – would react. But with my son’s permission I called all of them ahead of the annual family reunion that was happening a few weeks later. (I wanted to call to shield my son from any inappropriate responses, because I really didn’t know how they’d react.) All of them, and especially the grandparents (who have some --very-- conservative social views), were completely accepting and welcoming because they love him so much. I know it’s not that way for everyone, but I’m so glad we got it out in the open right from the start. I really do think the more folks know someone who is open about being gay, the more we’ll reduce bias and discrimination.</p>
<p>ProudMomofS, you are so right about the grieving process and about how different it is nowadays to be young and gay.</p>
<p>One of my very close HS age young relatives recently came out to parents who are VERY religious. My first concern was for the kid, and that the parents would be supportive and loving through what I considered to be a very brave thing to tell the religious parents who have been known to say not the most accepting things regarding homosexuality. I love this kid and suspected it for a while. I was told shortly after by the childs parents because the kid wants to be very open and has started a gay and lesbian group at the highschool. I am not the parent, but my first reaction was to hope and pray that the world would always be kind to this child. When my young relative told me my reaction was of complete acceptance, unconditional love, and to let this kid know that they will always be part of me. I also mentioned that down the road anyone who was important to her will be important to me and welcomed. I mention this because my husband had two gay relatives who have passed away, one was accepted with loving open arms with his gay lover, and the other was kept a secret like some sort of plague. It was disgraceful how the parents treated their son. Sadly, when the unaccepted gay son passed away the room was silent and there was no mention of their sons life. The friends must have been warned to follow their friends wishes and to remain quiet about his life. He died and I wanted to smack his parents because they let years go by without enjoying the wonderful son they had. Our other cousin who was the exact opposite…loving and accepting family who were out in the open from the beginning when their son came out in college. We would spend holidays at their home and there sons lover was part of the family. They were loved by all of us and to this day, I will call him Jack, still comes to every family function and holiday at all of our houses. He is part of our family and he loved our cousin just as any wonderful heterosexual partner would love their spouse. When this cousin died the room was filled with a ton of people all of whom he touched in a magical way…so much love was in that room and that I believe is because he had so much love from his family. He is still so missed to this day.</p>
<p>Right now it hurts because you wanted what we all want for our kids…the easiest path possible in life. I too would worry, but my worry would be because of others and how they would treat my kid. I could only say one thing my husbands aunt and uncle taught us all something very valuble and it has served the whole family well because since the loss of their son other younger relatives have come out. Love your son, and welcome him and his life into your heart and you will have a normal family that can still have the life you dreamed for your son. He will hopefully meet and fall in love with a wonderful man that makes him very happy, and a rich life with great friends and co workers that respect and care about him as the man he is, not his sexuality. That is what our one cousin had and I hope that is what your son will have.</p>
<p>I cross posted with singme…so happy to hear that you approached your family openly. You will set the tone with others and they will follow your lead. No one will treat your son poorly if you are loving and accepting.</p>
<p>What a great, if heartwrenching, story, momma-three. Congratulations, Brooke for your good relationship with your son, and all the good that bodes for his future. I live in a very gay town (I think the 2010 census said we are the gayest in the US!) and I have to say that in the past twenty years things have changed so much – I know so many couples, gay and lesbian, who have kids, who live very open, loving and fulfilling lives. There is much joy ahead for your son, and for you. (I don’t know how young your son is but do remember that sexuality, esp. in teen years, is VERY fluid, and people do not have to rush to define themselves.)</p>
<p>There is a wonderful campaign to encourage members of the young LGBT community.
Check out this site.</p>
<p>My sister came out when she was in college. I was younger (11) so my parents shielded me from the immediate reaction. Since I was so young, I took it all in stride. Her lifestyle never bothered me and I can truly say I have truly enjoyed knowing the few women she has shared her life with over the last forty years. Although I’m sure my mother’s world was rocked (we are from a small southern town where this just wasn’t talked about or even acknowledged in the 70’s), she never treated my sis any different and welcomed her friends into our home. My older bro. had a hard time accepting it and tried to shield his wife and children from our sis’s lifestyle. Consequently they’ve not had much of a relationship over the years. His loss. Sis is very very successful businesswoman as is her partner. They have a great life. I am so proud of her.</p>
<p>DH’s sis (age 55) is also a lesbian but has never said it “out loud”. MIL (80) lives in denial.
Also have two lesbian cousins (sisters). One of them is in a committed relationship and has three children. Her partner had artificial insemination done and had a cute little boy and a year later my cousin did the same thing and had twins! They are a happy family.
My uncle (their Dad) is over the moon about those kids and chose to retire in the town they live in so he could be part of their lives.</p>
<p>Thank you all for your wonderful responses. I do feel grateful and proud that my son felt comfortable enough to come to us and tell us. He is a wonderful young man, has never given us any trouble, is an honor student and a senior in high school. It was a complete surprise to us though that he was gay. You are right in that it is so much more an accepting society than it used to be, especially among young people. He has told us he has told a few close friends and they are straight and fine with it. It is a bit of a grieving process, true, but not so much for the dream of a daughter-in-law, grandkids, etc… I feel like I am more in the “worried mode” about him facing challenges and having a more difficult life than I wanted for him as his mother.<br>
I do feel like I am keeping a secret and that makes me uncomfortable. He has not given us permission to tell anyone in our family as of yet, and I am hoping that will come soon. I so want to tell my mother and sister, who also has a gay son.
I do admit to hoping this is just a “phase” but know in my heart this is just not so. He wouldn’t have come to us and told us if he was not sure himself.
If anyone would like to PM me, that would be great… I have heard of PFLAG before but cannot make our local chapter’s meeting right now. It would be great to have other parents to talk with. Thanks so much!</p>
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<p>Coming out to family is a complicated process. You are a wise parent to hold his confidence until he’s ready (if ever) to come out to each family member as he chooses, when he chooses. </p>
<p>What you might do is alert him to which family members you think would take the news more-or-less comfortably, but leave the actual telling to him. Or, if he wants you to share it in a family circle with you as the teller, that’s perhaps his later decision. Meanwhile, please wait for that decision. </p>
<p>For now, what a gift you give him to just let him absorb the fact that you have responded well. It all takes time.</p>
<p>I am hearing wonderful reactions to the recent itgetsbetter.org project by Dan Savage. </p>
<p>PFLAG has helped countless numbers of families for decades.</p>
<p>Rent the movie “MILK” starring Sean Penn to realize how your open-hearted response is helping your son. What a contrast to how families used to respond! Lives were lost over it. Those were the bad old days.</p>
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<p>You did the exact right thing and your feelings are completely normal.</p>
<p>Our son came out to us four years ago, when he was 15. In our family we believe that homosexuality is just as normal and natural as heterosexuality and we were so thankful to have set that tone when PMKjr came out to us. Having said that, it was not as easy to accept as I always had assumed it would be. I do worry for his safety, I’m angry that his civil rights vary state by state, I wish he was on an easier path but, then again, I cannot imagine changing him in anyway. </p>
<p>I will say I’ve never changed my tune about wanting grandchildren! Although it won’t be easy, I’m excited to see how my son’s family takes shape. </p>
<p>RRTMom, Don’t be ashamed of your feelings. Acceptance of a child’s sexuality can be a journey and there’s nothing shameful about that.</p>
<p>Big hugs to other parents and a world of thanks to all of you who support our children just as they are.</p>
<p>Brooke: I echo the others’ sentiments about how fortunate you are that your son was able to have this open and honest communication with you. Reading about how other parents’ were not upset by the news but had to change their picture of what the future would hold, I was reminded about this poem. It was meant for parents of children with disability – which is different than homosexuality, which is not a disability – but I think it is appropriate because it is about changing your expectations and what you “think” the future holds. There are changes, and change is often hard, but there are wonderful things too.</p>
<p>WELCOME TO HOLLAND
by Emily Perl Kingsley.</p>
<p>I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It’s like this…</p>
<p>When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.</p>
<p>After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland.”</p>
<p>“Holland?!?” you say. “What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.”</p>
<p>But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.</p>
<p>The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.</p>
<p>So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.</p>
<p>It’s just a different place. It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around… and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills…and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.</p>
<p>But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy… and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.” </p>
<p>And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away… because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.</p>
<p>But… if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things … about Holland.</p>
<p>I feel frustrated reading this thread about ‘how to come out’ and realizing how necessary it must be for some kids to manage the family around the news. I absolutely understand it must be a big hurdle (moreso in some environments) to come to terms with one’s sexuality and be able to share it with those they love. I can also imagine I’d also have to reconfigure my expectations, have new worries, etc. if my offspring realized they were gay and I hadn’t anticipated it. </p>
<p>But I feel sad that beyond one’s immediate family, it just can’t be moved around as interesting news to the relatives, just like what Johnny has decided for colleges or majors, or what city Susie has decided to take a job. No one has to make formal announcements about being left handed, or being heterosexual. It just seems such a shame that it has to be so strategically laid out and presented, that kids have to worry about how different relatives will react, to ‘manage them’ so to speak…well, it just frustrates me. </p>
<p>I don’t even understand why I find this frustrating. I guess it is just wishful unrealistic thinking on my part that the world is (or should be) a different place than it really is and I would like to live in a world where it is simply not that big of a deal. It just ‘is’. </p>
<p>Maybe it will be that way for our grandkids.</p>
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<p>On some campuses, homosexuality is treated exactly as you describe. It’s not a big deal. It just “is.”</p>
<p>Perhaps an important focus for the OP and his/her son over the next few months should be finding colleges that are appropriate for the son in all other ways and also have this atmosphere of routine acceptance of homosexuality. Especially if the young man has been subject to some discrimination in high school (or has kept his sexuality private to avoid discrimination), it can be very pleasant to spend four years in a place where being gay truly doesn’t matter. </p>
<p>It’s possible that the young man has already done some research on the subject. Indeed, I wonder whether the topic of college selection played a role in his decision to come out to his parents now. It could be a lot easier for him to be able to say “I don’t want to include X College on my list because I’ve heard that it’s not a comfortable place for gay people” rather than having to make up an excuse for not wanting to apply there.</p>
<p>I’m not a parent but I have an Aunt that’s gay and also a cousin who’s my age (I’m going to be a freshman at OSU in two days :)).
My family accepted them as they were. They’re still the same people they were before and my Aunt is a very respected basketball coach in the city of Chicago. She’s had a partner since before I was born and my family embraces them both, same for my cousin and her girlfriends.
Remember…they’re still the same people. You just know something new about them that you didn’t know before.</p>