Any parents out there of gay children?

Parent Cafe
21

<p>While my S is straight, he has been involved with LGBT groups on his campus and he raves about Dan Savage’s columns and the itgetsbetter website. He has forwarded me articles that have helped me understand his thinking and development.</p>

<p>A dear friend of mine came out at our southern flagship 30 years ago and I can only begin to understand now how difficult it was for her. Her family disowned her, professors treated her differently, and it was a tough, tough time. I am proud she was true to herself.</p>

<p>Both my kids report that at their campus, being gay just “is.” It makes me quite happy.</p>

22

<p>I read your above post about your son not yet coming out to the family. When he does it will be you who sets the tone of love and acceptance. The extended family and even siblings will follow your path…and anyone who has a ptroblem with your sons sexuality is NOT IMPORTANT. If one of my kids came out I would not hestitate to tell anyone to go to H— if they had anything to say about it. Just surround your son with love and he will lead a healthy and very normal life. That really is the secret to bringing all of this in the open and the world accepting it. If parents accept it then they send the message. Your son is blessed that he has you and in time…give it all time…you will be fine and most important so will your son. </p>

<p>Thank God we are living in a time when we are aware of diseases and how they are transmitted. Your son will understand how to protect himself and he is not at the same risks as gay men were years ago. Just take deep breaths and let your momma’s heart guide you.</p>

23

<p>momma-three - although some might see this as a minor point, the use of ‘lover’ in your post (twice) has connotations in and of itself. Homosexuals should not be referred to as lovers if you’re not also referring to heterosexual relationships as lovers in casual conversation, too. I think the more acceptable term is partner. My old boss (clergy) was gay and had been in a long-term relationship for 25-years. When people who had never met him before asked about his family, he’d reply, “I’ve been partnered with my college sweetheart for 25 years.” That said all that needed to be said. Really, no reference to sexual actions should be made for homosexuals if you don’t also make them for heterosexuals. I just think the term lover, when used by people who aren’t in that two-person relationship, has negative connotations… as if their relationship is defined by their actions and not commitment.</p>

24

<p>

</p>

<p>I have a colleague who has a same-sex partner, and she always uses the term “partner” to refer to her. “Lover” would be a weirdly personal word to use in the office, and “girlfriend” could be misunderstood, since women use this term to refer to female friends in general.</p>

<p>Perhaps for a guy, though, the word “boyfriend” would work since guys don’t use it to refer to their male friends.</p>

25

<p>Terriwit…You are so absolutely right. I guess it is just the term that had been used by our cousins so it stuck. I will correct myself in the future …thanks for pointing that out.</p>

26

<p>Two of my closest friends have gay children. For one, it has been the defining (read limiting) aspect of her relationship with her child, and I know that although she like;s her daughter;s partner, she is unable to reconcile her daughter’s lifestyle with the ‘perfect’ image she had of what this girl;s life would be. This girl was the ‘golden child’ and the foil to her less perfect sibling… so this all has been a big rock of the boat. My friend, to her credit, has worked hard to normalize her expressed feelings, but it is clear that this is not easy…for her. </p>

<p>For the other friend, when her son came out it was a relief. He had been struggling emotionally for so long, that being able to be himself was part of becoming healthy. My friend was relieved for this and not surprised, so her reaction has always been more embracing and more directed at what this meant for her son, and less directed at what this meant either for her relationship with her son (which is unchanged) or for her. </p>

<p>Interestingly, the two of them spent 4 days together this summer and the topic never came up (according to my friend #2). I have been watching this with ‘interest’ as my youngest has expressed comments about her sexuality. As noted above, I think that parents of young teens generally find these themes a bit of a challenge (whether gay, bi or straight) just as I think our teenagers find our sexuality challenging to think about! It seems normal to me, either way…</p>

27

<p>I just wanted to thank Brooke72 for bringing up this important topic! The more parents can support each other and talk about what they’re going through, the better for everyone. Even sharing hard times is better than thinking you’re all alone. Great responses from everyone on here.</p>

28

<p>I agree with teriwtt, and also thought of posting about the use of lover to describe a gay or lesbian person’s significant other. I prefer the words girlfriend, boyfriend, fiance[e], husband, wife and partner to describe those roles. </p>

<p>If Jason is married to Aiden, I’d say, “This is Jason’s husband Aiden.” </p>

<p>If Sarah and Mary live together in a committed relationship, I’d say, “I’d like to introduce you to Sarah’s partner, Mary,” and if Sarah and Mary’s state legalized same-sex marriage and they got engaged, I’d be thrilled to announce an engagement party for Sarah and her fiancee Mary.</p>

<p>If Alice and Julie are in a more casual exclusive relationship, I’d say, “Have you met Alice’s girlfriend, Julie?”</p>

<p>In other words, I’d use the words the same as I’d use them for straight people. I would never refer to Jenny as Mark’s lover, unless Mark also had a wife or something like that.</p>

29

<p>I don’t have a gay child but have had a lot of gay friends and friends whose kids came out gay, and I liked what most of the posters have written, lot of good advice. I would add the following:</p>

<p>-In terms of telling other people, I think the best piece of advice I could give would be to only do so once your S is comfortable with it. Talking to both gay friends and parents of gay kids, the first instinct if they are accepting is to want to bring this out in the open, to show support by being open and so forth, but the kid may not be ready for it (talking is so, so important). Let him know you would be only too glad to let others know, if that was easier for him, that you are proud of him and supportive, but want him to know you want to respect his wishes, too. </p>

<p>-The other thing that is important was relayed by a therapist I saw, a gay woman, and she said that it also is important to relay the news where it is important to. For example, if you have distant relatives you never see, or with people you see through other friends, etc, might not be worth disclosing (in other words, ask, ‘is it important they know?’). On the other hand, if for example you meet someone who has a gay son and is working through it, disclosing (once he is okay with it) that your S is gay might help the other person.</p>

<p>-Don’t beat yourself up too much if you have feelings that at time aren’t positive, whether it is uncomfortableness (like, for example, if your S ever brings someone he is dating home), or whether it is worry about what others will perceive your family or your son as, etc. You have a process to go through, and believe me, from everything I have heard from gay people and their parents, it seems to be par for the course, which I can understand. Doesn’t make you a bad person, things like being gay that have such stigmas attached to them can take time to adjust to. Plus you have known your child in a way for X years, with images of the future and so forth, and it takes time to adjust:).</p>

<p>-In terms of the broader family, there can be those who judge you or your child, and all you can do is be strong in yourself and realize, while they have the right to their beliefs and so forth, that that right doesn’t mean they have the right to make you or your son feel badly. If you find out that someone is really going to town on your family/your son, you have every right to call them out on it, and if they persist, then it is your right to avoid seeing those people or having anything to do with them (and that is my opinion, obviously). We see a lot of things on these boards about ‘blood is thicker then water’, ‘family is everything’ and so forth, and that is true, but it should apply equally, respect has to go both ways. If people don’t like your son that is fine, but showing less then courtesy and respect is a non starter; disrespect, backstabbing and the like is not expressing someone’s beliefs, that is just being nasty and shouldn’t be tolerated. </p>

<p>At times it may come down to avoiding certain family functions if some members of the families are jerks, but my advice, FWIW, is that catering to boors like that is not doing anything constructive and to be honest, could be hurtful to your son. Put it this way, whatever my child is or isn’t, I wouldn’t tolerate anyone on the family who acts anyway but in a respectful way, the same way I would give anyone in my own little family hell if they treated anyone else in the broader family without respect or courtesy. </p>

<p>I suspect you already know much of this, and congrats that you have a relationship like that with your son, where he felt comfortable telling you, lot of kids don’t have that:)</p>

30

<p>For all of us with children gay or straight how many of our children know that our love for them is unconditional and was never and will never be based on their sexuality. The proudest I have ever been was when my daughter told me that she never doubted I loved her and whether she was gay or straight she knew that would never change. Her knowledge that love and acceptance was conditional for reasons like her sexuality has put a damper on her relationship with certain relatives. She happens to be straight but has a gay cousin and while she is the favorite grand daughter the title does not mean as much to her now that she knows it comes with conditions.</p>

31

<p>Having my feelings for my child change because he’s gay is unimaginable to me. I truly believe that there are few things lower in this world than a parent who rejects their child because that child comes out as gay or trans. There’s a special place in Hell reserved for people like that, and, unfortunately, it still happens all too often, even if the world is changing. I know people myself, both gay and trans, who were thrown out on the street and/or cut off without any communications when they came out to their parents. Every study in existence shows that the substantial majority of homeless teenagers, in New York City and elsewhere, consists of LGBT kids. So sad, and I’ll never understand it the least bit.</p>

<p>My son came out to me when he was 12, after I happened to notice him reading an article on the Internet about “Homosexuality and the Bible.” Not that I didn’t already have an inkling. I have a good friend who’s known him since he was born who realized by the time he was 3 or 4 that he would probably be gay. Still, I’m grateful that he trusted me enough. Nothing changed, and nothing ever will. Do I worry sometimes about his vulnerability? Of course. But he got through high school OK, albeit pretty much without straight male friends. There was, fortunately, a zero tolerance bullying policy. And I don’t know what he would have done without some wonderful teachers who befriended him (not because he’s gay, but because he is who he is), a couple of whom he still goes to visit when he’s home. Or without the close female friends he made. Obviously, things are a lot easier in college, and he does have straight male friends again, like he did when he was little.</p>

<p>I’m not saying he didn’t get called a “f*****” in the halls now and then, and that it doesn’t ever happen in the street even now, but he learned a long time ago to deal with that sort of thing himself. He knows better than to tell me every time he gets called a name in the street, whether it’s that word here in the U.S., or “Schwule” in Europe. (More of a problem in Vienna last year than it’s been in Germany this summer. Most of Germany, in the cities, is very gay-affirming.) </p>

<p>Being gay is part of who he is. If I could wave a magic wand and make him be straight, I wouldn’t dream of doing it. Because it would change who he is, his personality, his sensibility. (Don’t kid yourself: growing up knowing you’re an outsider in society to a greater or lesser extent, and having your “self” negated on a daily basis in a million ways, isn’t entirely a bad thing for the soul. I speak from experience. Besides, I can’t even imagine at this point having had a straight son. I suspect it might have made some things more difficult, for both of us, with respect to certain things that happened in my own life.) </p>

<p>Do I wonder sometimes if I’m ever going to be a grandma? Absolutely. But there’s no reason he can’t be a dad if that’s what he wants, and there’s nothing I can do about it anyway. There are never any guarantees that your straight children will want to be parents, after all. At least he’ll be able to get married if he wants to someday, here in New York and, I hope, in many other places by that time. (And, since there will be two grooms, I presumably won’t have to worry about anyone trying to dictate what I wear! Of course, the prospect of having to make a decision like that is almost enough to make me sour on the entire enterprise. )</p>

<p>Just love your children. It shouldn’t make a difference. If anyone in your family cares? Too bad. My son has a living grandmother on my ex’s side (who knows and is fine with it), and a grandfather on mine. He’s never brought it up to my father or my father’s wife, not because he’s afraid to, but because they’re not all that close and the subject has never come up. Why should he have to make an announcement? (It was a little different when I came out to my father; I could hardly avoid it. It still took ages before I got up the courage to do it – more than 40 years, technically.) </p>

<p>Donna</p>

<p>PS: I agree with people’s comments about the term “lover.” Also: I wish people wouldn’t use the term “flaunt,” as in “my son doesn’t flaunt!” It’s pejorative, just another way of saying, “at least my kid doesn’t look or act gay!” People who supposedly “flaunt” their gayness are just being themselves, whoever that may be. It’s every bit as valid as any other person being themselves. If it bothers anyone, then tough.</p>

32

<p>Thanks for all of the wonderful comments and replies. You have all given me so many things to think about…I do love my son, and he is the same person he was before he came out to us. It is just now I have more information about him and it it taking me time to process that new information. </p>

<p>I loved that story about Holland, by the way…so poignant and so touching and so true…quite lovely really. </p>

<p>The comment about when to tell others, is an interesting one. I agree…it should be entirely up to him when he wants others to know… I somewhat selfishly want to tell some important people in my life because I feel I need to feel their love and support, in order to lessen the burden I now feel…But I am the adult, after all, I can deal with this burden on my own along with my husband…We will work it out in our own time and place.</p>

<p>I do worry about my husband’s family’s reaction. They are much more conservative than mine, and I doubt they have ever even befriended a gay person or known a gay person. I worry they will make awful comments to my son and hurt him by doing so…Luckily, we do not live close to them and hardly see them… That should help. </p>

<p>All of you have made me feel that things will work out and that my son will have a wonderful future to look forward to. I thank you so much for that! I am so glad I posted on CC. It has helped me tremendously…</p>

33

<p>I used the term flaunt. Sorry if it offended you. I certainly didn’t mean it to. </p>

<p>For me, the term flaunt as it relates to sexuality can be and is used on all sides of the sexuality contiuum. While there are words that we can all agree are universally degrading, there also isnt a book of proper GLBT etiquette. Because to do so would imply that all have the same sensitivities. One thing I learned long ago from much diversity work–dont assume you know what does or doesnt offend. What offends you may not be what offends me, and vice versa. And asking individuals for preferences is a good thing! And honoring those preferences is even better. But we shouldn’t assume our preferences are someone elses. </p>

<p>Went to an interesting large diversity training seminar once in a multinational company. THe instructor asked “If you are African American, raise your hand”. Some people did…including a couple of caucasians born in South African. “If you are Black American, raise your hand”. Some of the same people did – but not all – and some different people did. “If you are Black, raise your hand.” Another mixed big, some overlap, some new. By then everyone was laughing. “Dang, we dont even know what we are, no wonder the world is screwed up.”</p>

<p>It’s good to know you are offended. I apologize. Its also good to know that I’m not. It doesnt offend my son–or my female straight acquaintance who wears low tops, short skirts and talks about sex all the time. The latter flaunts her sexuality. She leads with it in practically every interaction and in how she presents herself. Is she just being herself? Sure. </p>

<p>My son on the other hand is so much more than his sexuality. He thinks of himself as many descriptors–musician, athlete, scholar, etc. Being gay is just part of who he is. And not a part he leads with. And he’s just being himself too.</p>

34

<p>ProudMom, you’re entitled to your opinion. I understand you didn’t mean to offend anyone. I accept that. But you’re also being a little condescending. Diversity work or not (and there aren’t very many “diversity specialists” who know much about LGBT people), the fact remains that “flaunt” as used with respect to gay people, especially gay men, is a loaded term that’s used all the time by bigots as an implied criticism. Sometimes as a way of implying that LGBT people who don’t appear to be straight are responsible for whatever happens to them. It’s used as a synonym for “swishy.” Effeminate. Etc. Go read the accounts of the recent trial of the person who murdered Laurence King if you don’t believe me. You know, the 14-year old boy who was killed by a schoolmate who shot him in the back of the head during a class… At the trial, the defense drew a picture of a boy who “flaunted” his sexuality. A hung jury was the outcome. So perhaps you’ll understand why I find the term offensive. It isn’t just my quirky opinion, my special “sensitivity.”</p>

<p>Of course, if your son doesn’t have the word applied to him, then it’s understandable why you’re not offended. You aren’t the one having that word used against your son. You’re the one using it yourself, to draw comparisons. And by the way, I can assure you that my son is “much more than his sexuality” himself, and doesn’t “lead with it” either. That doesn’t mean that a lot of people can’t tell that he’s gay. And might use the word “flaunt” to refer to him, even though he’s hardly the equivalent of your female straight acquaintance. The word is used in a very specific way for LGBT people and that’s what I was addressing.</p>

<p>I won’t digress from this thread any further.</p>

35

<p>Thanks, Donnel, we can have differences of opinions and differences of experiences…and express them. Its all good. I did use a word “against” my son–you interpreted that. We all view things from our own experiences, and each are unique. If I offended you, I apologize. Both of our sons have supportive moms, and thats the tie that we share. Have a good evening.</p>

36

<p>Thanks. Sounds right to me!</p>

37

<p>When my son came out to me, at 19, even though it was in response to a question I asked him, even though I’d wondered when he was little, I was still shocked. It was very painful. Now, I have no political or religious beliefs that should have made it so hard. Just a lot of personal stuff. As many have said, some of us need a time to mourn the child we thought we had and the future we thought they had. In my case, I also had and still have baggage from assumptions I held about gay male culture. Add to that a family that valued men over everyone, a father and an ex-husband who considered themselves superior, emotional investments in my role as a mother of high achievers, all kind of ugly internal stuff.</p>

<p>I’m still working through it all. My son knows I love him. But I haven’t been anywhere as good about it as I should have been, or anyone who knew me would have expected. Sometimes I wish I could just get hypnotized and be rid of any negative feelings I have about all this. Lacking that solution, I just keep slogging away for love of my son, trying to come to a place where I too wouldn’t want him to be straight, because I love everything about him so much that I want nothing to change.</p>

<p>When all this first happened, I didn’t need anyone to tell me there was nothing wrong with my son being gay. I knew that, in my mind. I believe that firmly, intellectually. But I did need someone to tell me that all my painful feelings were OK, that I should protect my son from them, but that I’d get over them because I am a good mother. So that’s what I’m telling you, and I hope it helps.</p>

38

<p>I, too, have a gay son, now in his mid-twenties. Since I don’t want to refer to him as “gay son” the whole post, I’ll just call him Sam (which is not really his name). Our whole extended family always knew Sam wasn’t straight. Sometimes we wondered if he might be bi. I agree with Starbright’s post that it is unfortunate and frustrating that some people have to “come out.” My husband and I had several discussions about whether we should ask Sam if he was gay, but decided since it would never occur to us to have such a discussion with our straight kids that we would not. (A much older Sam has told me such a question would actually have been welcomed.) At 16 he told me and asked me to tell Dad. Sam asked if he “had” to tell other family members and we said that was totally up to him. He decided he didn’t want to yet. We agreed it really wasn’t necessary. He and I imagined a scenario where he didn’t have to “come out” to anyone else until the time he showed up at a family event with a boyfriend or fiance, at which point Dad and I would say, “of course, Sam is gay, didn’t you know that?” We laughed.</p>

<p>I did call my sister,(let’s call her Val) who would become his guardian if anything happened to my husband and me, to update her because I thought that was important. Me: “Sam finally told us he’s gay.” Sis: “Okay. Good. Now - if he decides to tell me - should I act surprised? How are we handling this?”</p>

<p>I have a huge family and on the whole fairly accepting. None of my generation live close to each other. We have a very extended family gathering annually, which has probably been taking place close to a hundred years, and when the kids were in college and sometimes couldn’t attend I’d bring recent photos. One year I showed my very Southern 87 yr old great-aunt my booklet, which included some “date” shots of some of the kids. There were also a whole lot of non-date photos of all the kids. She looked at me and asked, “Sam doesn’t like girls?” Before I could pick up my jaw, she kept going, “That is just fine” and patted my knee and moved on to another topic. And then I finally realized why, a couple of years before, she had insisted on not only introducing me to a long lost cousin who was writing a family history but telling me several times that he was gay. At the time I wondered if she had just figured out what “gay” was, that she was so on and on about it, but now I understand she was just concerned I understand that “the family” wasn’t going to make Sam feel uncomfortable about his orientation. ( The older I get the more I understand older really is sometimes just wiser.)</p>

<p>The last two paragraphs are to put the following in context: My nuclear family has nothing whatsoever to do with one of my sisters, who is unfortunately married to a bigot. He is racist and homophobic and they attend a fairly fundamentalist church. Let’s call her Lisa. I hate this and wish I could have handled the situation in such a way that this was not the case. Perhaps it is useful to someone who is just deciding how to handle “the relatives” and you will be able to achieve a more successful outcome. I hope so.</p>

<p>When an 18 yr old Sam decided to come out to his same-age cousins this was not really a big deal. As I wrote earlier, everyone already knew he was gay. After he told the cousins, I naturally got calls from their moms and dads, my sibs and sibs-in-law, that were some kind of variation on the call with Val. But Lisa waited until a visit to see me (she would often come to visit me without her husband) to bring the subject up and to tell me, in essence, she wasn’t homophobic but her husband was - sort of. I told her I could not have a relationship with anyone who voiced any homophobic views. I gave her a real clear list of what I considered to be objectionable conversation. She said we would never know what her husband thought if she hadn’t mentioned it. I responded I don’t care what anyone thinks. Just don’t say those things around me or mine because if you do we won’t be able to have a relationship. So I thought we had everything worked
out before the next family get-together weekend, but was very wrong. Lisa’s husband, by the way, rarely if ever attends the family get-togethers and did not that year. I thought the weekend was going very well and that Lisa had made a real effort to avoid any potentially objectionable topic. Then all my late teen aged kids ended up in my hotel room just about in tears. Lisa had told one Sam’s sibs that his cousin (a page or intern or something) wanted to stay and show support as the state legislature tried to pass one of those bills to prohibit gay marriage. One of Lisa’s children told another of Sam’s sibs which professions her father felt were acceptable and which unacceptable for someone gay. And tried to engage Sam in a biblical debate about homosexuality. It was a very bad weekend. I told Lisa we would have no further communication with her family until they were able not only to apologize but also voice strong and sincere support for any and all gay rights issues. Her response was something along the lines of “we love the sinner but hate the sin” and that really was the limit. I can’t imagine a circumstance where my husband ever speaks to her again.</p>

<p>I wish I could go back in time and figure out a way to have handled this situation more successfully. But I don’t know if that was possible. Now Lisa’s family doesn’t come to the big family get-togethers if mine does. It isn’t exactly that they are exiled. All the other sibs continue to have some kind of relationship with them but is is strained. I really hate that.</p>

<p>I have some other thoughts I’d like to add to this thread but have to go prepare dinner for some out of state relatives visiting later today :slight_smile: but will try to come back later if you are all still talking.</p>

39

<p>^^edit to the above for clarity: one of Lisa’s sons didn’t attend the family gathering because instead he was at his state capital, showing his support for proposed anti-gay marriage legislation which was under debate in his state legislature during the time of our annual gathering. And this was what was communicated to my children.</p>

40

<p>alh, I agree with you that I doubt that it was possible for you to have handled the situation with your sister in a more successful way. In my experience, individuals who hold such deep and rigid beliefs are unlikely to change them. I have seen instances of individuals whose feelings about homosexuals have changed when a family member or close friend comes out, but these are almost never people who have deep-seated beliefs such as those held by your sister and her family. I’m sorry that you and your son, and the rest of your immediate family have been faced with this. It’s difficult, but I would have reacted the same as you and no longer had contact with that branch of the family.</p>

<p>This is an issue that is near and dear to my heart, even though none of my children are gay. My best friend from the time I was 12 was gay. We all ‘knew’ it through high school but back then, it was not something that was really discussed openly. He was a much-loved student, very popular in our large high school, and, to be honest, I don’t recall there ever being an instance of him being bullied or anyone ever saying anything nasty to him. When he was in college, he came out to his parents, who virtually abandoned him from then on. This was not an uncommon reaction back then and, as Donna mentioned, despite great advances in many peoples’ minds, still happens today. This is one reason that I still care so much about this issue. No one should be able to spout their hateful and hurtful words without being confronted.</p>

<p>Discussions like those in this thread are so important, even today. Parents and kids need support and assistance in navigating this process. PFLAG is a wonderful resource and has chapters everywhere. And, for kids, Youth Guardian Services is also terrific. I was very fortunate to be raised in the family I was. I grew up with many gay friends, and my parents and grandparents also had gay friends. In a family that was involved in the theatre community, that was a given. :slight_smile: Not everyone is so fortunate and having some good resources, and even knowing that anonymous online friends are supportive is helpful!</p>