<p>I too worry about telling some of our extended family members. My husband’s family is way more conservative than mine, I doubt they have ever known any gay people much less befriended any. I can see my brother-in-law making some jokes about it and hurting my son’s feelings. For that reason I do not see telling them for a long time. Luckily they live about 400 miles from us and we rarely see them. My family, on the other hand, although they will be surprised and probably shocked as we were, will be more supportive and accepting. My nephew is gay, and no one really cares. We always knew he was gay…so no big surprise when he came out. But with my son, it will be a big surprise to everyone. My sister was here visiting recently and she was telling my son how handsome he was looking and how all the girls must be after him…he just smiled and said nothing. She is the one who has a gay son, so she will understand…
I do agree, if anyone says anything bad to my son, I will have nothing to do with them…Unless they can learn to keep their remarks to themselves.</p>
<p>Brooke, I am a very conservative woman from a very conservative family, and you might be surprised. Some of us believe that gay marriage actually is a conservative family value because it’s about, well, building a family and taking responsibility for its members. My best friend from childhood is gay and he and his husband would have raised my kids, including my son, if my husband and I had died. They had a wedding ceremony long before it was technically legal in New York, but were as married as they could be, so we always referred to them as each other’s husband. Or ball and chain. Or better half, depending!</p>
<p>It’s so nice to hear about all the accepting families out there. After one of my dad’s normal “you’ll have a wife soon enough” comments, I said “or a husband” as a ‘joke’ (from his standpoint, anyways). He then proceeded to say, “don’t even joke about that, I don’t approve of that lifestyle.” While I am out to my mother and my peers(and they took it great!), I’m not planning on telling any other family members until I am fully prepared to sever all connections with them if need be. While I still feel it’s nobody’s business who I am attracted to, it’s still annoying to have to hide part of myself from somebody who has played such a significant part in my life.</p>
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<p>Surprisedme:
You ARE a good mother. </p>
<p>Your feelings are what they are. It is better to understand your feelings and face them, and that is what you are doing.The definition of courage is doing something that is very difficult, painful or frightening, despite the difficulty. You and your son both are courageous. Let your love for your son guide your actions always.</p>
<p>It gets better.</p>
<p>meat is marinating, veggies are washed … :)</p>
<p>I want to briefly follow up on some of the things mentioned on this thread and especially Donna’s post. It has taken me a long time to get beyond seeing the world in my very narrow heteronormative way. But I try hard and perhaps will one day be as wise as my now 90something yr old aunt. “Flaunting”: is it appropriate for straight individuals to expect non-straight individuals to adopt straight norms? This book pretty much convinced me it was not:</p>
<p>Covering: The Hidden Assault on Our Civil Rights
Kenji Yoshino</p>
<p>[Amazon.com:</a> Covering: The Hidden Assault on Our Civil Rights (9780375508202): Kenji Yoshino: Books](<a href=“http://www.amazon.com/Covering-Hidden-Assault-Civil-Rights/dp/0375508201]Amazon.com:”>http://www.amazon.com/Covering-Hidden-Assault-Civil-Rights/dp/0375508201)</p>
<p>Sam will call himself “swishy” – as in, “Mom, I am going to wear khakis and a white button down to that interview, just like you and Dad suggested, but I am wearing my “swishy” tie because you know it’s not really like I’m fooling anyone.” My response was not that we wanted him to “fool” anyone but that it was important, however he dressed on a day to day basis, that the entity interviewing understood he understood and was capable of presenting himself “like the mainstream in that institution” So you see the fact that this is a conversation in my house means we definitely haven’t overcome all these prejudices.</p>
<p>labeling: I try to call people what they call themselves. I listen hard so I can do my best to get it right. If someone says “my partner” I use “partner” when I introduce. If someone says “my husband/wife/spouse” that is what I use. I have recently moved and am in the process of making a lot of new friends. While at a restaurant lunch with one new male friend, we ran into a new female friend of mine. I introduced the two of them and she joined us and we all had a wonderful time. After half an hour or so she looked at the two of us and asked, “now how do you two know each other?” My male friend almost instantly answered, “we are both faculty wives” and laughed, so we laughed too. But no way am I ever introducing him as “faculty wife” since I have never before or since heard him refer to himself in such a way. I understand a lot of this is about “owning” the language. I try to figure out what is appropriate for me to say. Right now I
want to offer an apology to the whole universe for the many times I get it wrong.</p>
<p>In recent years I would never ask anyone if their son or daughter had a boyfriend or girlfriend. I ask if there is a “romantic interest”? Sam is extremely good looking 
and more importantly an exceptionally nice and charming individual. And he was taught excellent manners by his southern grandmama, even when his own mom fell short in that department. In spite of being more than a bit “swishy” the girls have always loved him and wanted to date him. When they are finally convinced that isn’t possible, they sometimes want to be his really good friend for life. My husband and I have been puzzled for years at how blind some of these young ladies seem to be. It is almost impossible for us to take him anywhere without a waitress, or female book shop clerk, etc “hitting” on him. Perhaps this is one reason for the “swishy” dress?</p>
<p>adding: RyanMK, I think the reason so many of us post on this board is because we want young people who don’t necessarily have accepting families to know that isn’t the whole world. Most everyone in my family thinks my sister Lisa’s youngest child is gay. If and when he comes out, the rest of the family will suggest he go directly to stay with his aunt alh. </p>
<p>Ryan: Good Luck to you! Take very good care of yourself.</p>
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<p>That’s where you’re wrong, Brooke. Your husband’s family has known and loved a gay person for a long time – your son. The huge change I have seen in the past 10 years regarding acceptance of LGBT individuals came about because more people have stopped hiding their sexual orientation. As a result, straight people have realized that they, too, have known and loved lots of LGBT individuals over the years – people they do not want to see discriminated against or bullied. Thirty years ago lots of the LGBT individuals in our lives were hiding their sexual orientation, which served to make LGBT sexual orientation seem much more rare, unknown and scary. That led to families ostracizing family members who “came out,” which made LGBT orientation seem that much more scary. In recent years, a beloved young family friend (I’ll call him Joe) let people know he is gay, which totally changed my conservative extended family’s view and acceptance of homosexuality. They know what a terrific guy Joe is, so if Joe is gay, it’s obvious that being homosexual does not make someone a bad person. Furthermore, they would be totally outraged if someone discriminated against Joe based on his sexual orientation, which has completely changed their views on gay marriage, for example, (which is legal in our state but which some of these relatives previously opposed).</p>
<p>As I read this thread, I think of three transgendered teens’ parents from whom I get the sense that they wish their kids could <em>just</em> be lesbian – so much simpler to wrap their minds and emotions around. They accept them nonetheless. I truly feel that one is gender queer and bisexual – that fluidity in gender identity and sexual orientation is immensely more reflective of his entire persona, but that is for him to figure out. </p>
<p>IMHO, transgender acceptance is about where gay/lesbian acceptance was thirty or forty years ago. Also, I am seeing young people identify as <em>queer</em> because <em>gay</em> or <em>lesbian</em> is too much of a box. . .</p>
<p>^^yes. I know young adults who identify as <em>queer</em> regardless of sexual orientation because they are trying to reject any labeling. At least that is how I understand it. </p>
<p>Again, I like the world Starbright is imagining where we don’t feel the need to label. A world in which the whole discussion would be unnecessary and essentially meaningless.</p>
<p>Donna wrote: <a href=“And,%20since%20there%20will%20be%20two%20grooms,%20I%20presumably%20won’t%20have%20to%20worry%20about%20anyone%20trying%20to%20dictate%20what%20I%20wear!%20Of%20course,%20the%20prospect%20of%20having%20to%20make%20a%20decision%20like%20that%20is%20almost%20enough%20to%20make%20me%20sour%20on%20the%20entire%20enterprise.”>quote</a>
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<p>LOL - Were you reading the wedding etiquette thread? Do you really think it any less likely that our gay sons’ future MILs try and dictate what we wear to the wedding than a straight son’s future MIL? It is a nice thought but I am already prepared to happily once again wear a very ugly dress. My first ugly MOG dress has already been gifted to a friend who requested it sight unseen, not believing it could be all that bad but she decided she really wasn’t going to be able to use it. If she hasn’t burned it, maybe I can get it back. But probably I will need to have a very ugly dress in a different color. no problem.</p>
<p>If she cares enough to care what I wear, I love her already. 
:)</p>
<p>My husband is the stereotypical Italian American goombah in a lot of ways and recently a conversation came up in which my daughter asked “what if your son is gay and wants to marry a man?” I was very curious about that, myself, and was shocked when he turned to my son and said “if you marry a man the kids have YOUR last name, got it?”</p>
<p>I think that goes back to whatever4’s point because my husband has known and been close to my best friend and his husband for more than 20 years and sees what a normal life they have. Although they chose not to have children because of their career choices, which would disappoint my husband, but it has nothing to do with being gay.</p>
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<p>Exactly! (10 char)</p>
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<p>I’m glad they’re making the effort, but I’m not too surprised that they feel that way, given some far worse stories I’ve heard. I have a friend who’s a trans woman (in her 30’s) whose mother was very accepting of her back when she was living her life (or at least trying to) as a gay man. But when she came out to her mother as trans and then transitioned, her mother cut her off completely and wouldn’t have anything to do with her for years (other than trying to talk/coerce her into de-transitioning). Things didn’t get better between them until after my friend had surgery, at which point I guess her mother finally understood that this was “real.” Now, things are pretty good. If it were me, I’m not sure I’d ever be willing to forgive. But sometimes, for trans people, one has to take what one can get if one wants a relationship with one’s parents at all. It’s often a question of how much non-acceptance and humiliation someone is willing to put up with.</p>
<p>+1 gay son (mine)
+1 gay mom (me)
10% of the world is gay so there must be one in every extended family.
Being gay makes the ride more bumpy. Although it’s just one small thing about your son, and the person he is, it’s not easy being a gay youth . Even my son, raised in a blue state, in a gay family, waited to come out until he was 18!! That says it was a significant move for him, and he wasn’t comfortable being out in HS. The world is changing- I think my son’s going to have a good life, as a proud, healthy gay man (and hopefully a dad, one day!). Best wishes in yours’ and your son’s journeys.</p>
<p>whateer4: I would like to think what you say is true. You are right, they have loved my son since he was born, but truthfully we do not see them more than once a year, and they do not have any idea of what my son is like. My husband’s family are farmers, and they do not live in an urban area with a lot of diversity of any kind. I really doubt my father-in-law would understand or be very accepting, nor my brother-in-law. I even said something to that effect to my husband on the night we found out my son, and he agreed with me. I have a feeling that when my son feels comfortable telling other people, we will be telling my family and not his.
I would like to think we live in a world where one’s sexual orientation is nobody’s business and no one’s concern, and where people do not define you by that alone. I am not sure that is completely true though.</p>
<p>zooserMom: Your story is an inspiring one, and I like the fact that conservative families support gay marriage for the reasons you mention. But I do think your situation is greatly helped by you having a best friend who was gay all these years. In my husband’s family, they do not have that and so I am afraid they will not be so accepting of my son… I fear they will have antiquated notions of what being gay is all about…It scares me, it really does, how they may or may not treat him if they were to find out…I don’t mean they would be hateful, just not accepting and maybe make jokes to him and hurt him in that way.</p>
<p>Brooke- people do not accept other people all the time. That is their choice and their loss. Your son deserves to live his life and be who he is.</p>
<p>Brooke, I sent you a private message.</p>
<p>I have been a spectator(creeper) on the CC for over a year and this topic is the one that made me take the plunge and sign up for an ID.</p>
<p>My son came out to me this past August a few weeks before returning to college. He made some vague comments that led me to ask the question that had obviously crossed my mind before. He readily admitted it and seemed relieved to answer my questions. He did not want me to tell his dad and said he would in his own time.
While his dad and I were discussing college preparations dad asked me if I thought it would be appropriate to ask him about his sexuality and I encouraged him (I did not want to keep this secret very long from him) to ask son but be prepared for his answer.
Well, they had that conversation and son said he reacted better than I did. Dad was glad to finally know for sure as the possibility had crossed our mind(good looking kid with no interest in dating).
Son has returned to college and seems happier. He has taken the first steps in trying to connect with other guys at school so I have had to give some dating advice which I hope transcends gender (go slow, get to know,be safe).</p>
<p>It has been less than two months, and I still occassionaly wake up in the middle of the night thinking about the difficulties he may face and how selfishly my life’s expectations have changed. For some reason I fear that he will be taken advantage of, why I am not sure.</p>
<p>His dad and I are on the same page wishing for him the same things for him that we always have health, happiness, and love. </p>
<p>Our family is small and I do have concerns that his brother although will love him may react with a high level of concern.</p>
<p>I appreciate this opportunity to put into words some of the feelings I have gone through and see how you all have seen and handled this in your families.</p>
<p>Returned to this thread after a day or so. </p>
<p>Brooke–hopefully you now realize that a) you are not alone and b) there are no absolute rights or wrongs when you act from a place of love and c) it will get better and d) it will be ok and e) be patient and open and loving–with your son and with yourself and f) if a-e are in place, you can make a mistake in this new journey and still recover with your relationship with your son strong and intact.</p>
<p>We are all works in progress, and life is a journey with many twists and turns. </p>
<p>Glad that we are on this one together.</p>
<p>feelingblessed, I had the exact same worries about my son being taken advantage of when he came out to us during a summer visit home (his school and summer job were almost 500 miles away from home). I finally felt that worry pass when I got to see him in person when I visited him at school in the fall. </p>
<p>I do think that many young gay men are very interested in committed, caring relationships, and that your son will hopefully have some great, healthy relationships. I hope you get to visit your son at school soon and that it eases your mind.</p>