Any parents out there of gay children?

Parent Cafe
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<p>I just wanted to say that it’s really nice to see so many supportive Moms of gay kids posting on this thread. I know that there are lots of very supportive fathers out there too, but sometimes the whole thing seems to be harder for Dads, for a number of reasons. (I’m kind of both, so I don’t really count!)</p>

<p>Not that I don’t worry about my son being taken advantage of myself. He’s done some Internet dating (mostly graduate students a little older than he is), but it’s not easy for a lot of young gay men around his age (21) to meet someone. He’s not the only one who had zero experience with dating and relationships in high school, and when he meets someone else who’s like him that way, it can be kind of difficult. (Someone once suggested to him that straight guys that age aren’t always necessarily any more adept at relationships, but that women tend to drive the heterosexual dating process, so straight guys have that advantage! A generalization, obviously, but there may be some truth to it.) Plus, my son is so little, just 5’2" and very slight, and that doesn’t make things any easier. (Of course, it wouldn’t be any easier if he were straight.) Not to mention that I worry about his safety.</p>

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<p>First, I wanted to say that those of us who had sons who went through high school without showing any “gay-typical” behaviors seemed to have taken it harder. Of course, maybe there shouldn’t be such a thing as gay-typical, but there you go. When you have a son who isn’t at all “swishy,” who plays sports, and even dates a girl here and there, who’s handsome, and all the girls like, you start to build a picture of who he will be when he grows up. A picture you then have to dismantle.</p>

<p>Second, I too have worried about my son getting his feelings or his health hurt. It makes me feel so much better to hear that it’s not unusual for a 21-year gay man to not have dated much, and to be pretty much an innocent. </p>

<p>I know here on cc we often joke about setting our kids up with other cc parents’ kids. I guess it extends to our gay kids too. I knew my son was comfortable with me in this new world when he showed me a picture of a guy on an online dating site, and said, “This is the man of my dreams.” In the end, how we feel matters so much less than how they feel.</p>

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<p>surpriseme: I agree, I do think if one had no idea one’s son was gay, it comes as more of a shock and takes a while to “dismantle” as you say, the dream and picture you had of your son. My son has never dated or had a girlfriend, and he is 17. However, he played sports and was good at them, had male friends, as well as female friends, etc… His older brother who is now a sophomore in college, also has never really dated except at his prom and so not dating is not a red flag someone is gay. At least in the area where we live, a lot of my older son’s friends do not seem to date and instead do things in groups of both sexes. I kinda like the idea that kids are taking it slow nowadays…Good for them!</p>

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<p>ProudMomofS: Thank you so much for such a nice reply. All of the things you mention are so true! You are a very wise woman! This forum has helped me so much. I still wake up every morning thinking about it, I still have a pit in my stomach, but it is lessening and after reading all these posts, I realize there are a lot of us out there and that alone makes me feel better. So wonder these young gay men are so wonderful, their mothers are terrific! I know this whole thing is a process, and it will take time…some days I wish the process would move quicker and I would be done with it already, but I recognize that it will take as long as it is going to take. I thank all of you for your comments and your support…Keep on posting, it helps, it reallly does.</p>

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<p>I think it’s wonderful that this thread has been so supportive. Some parents have said they were surprised and some said they suspected. But, the point has been love for their children.</p>

<p>I have a tough question. Because a group of parents whose kids have come out has posted here, I wondered if you wouldn’t mind sharing thoughts. </p>

<p>I live in a highly tolerant area; one neighbor (widowed, long ago; I’ll call her DN) and I are close. Her younger daughter has dealt with social anxiety forever, has been in counseling, on Rx, etc. She dropped out of one local college because she “didn’t like the kids there” and tried a local cc but dropped out because she didn’t feel a fit. (She takes one anything-class per semester, on the advice of her counselor.) She never worked; to make a long story short, she is very limited by her anxiety. One close friend in hs, no close friends since. Until recently.</p>

<p>This summer, DN mentioned that the D had made some new friends in class and that Mom was hopeful this was a positive. Later, she updated me that the new friends were gay and the daughter had come out. I looked at her and could see utter frustration. DN’s own sister has been in a wonderful relationship with a woman for decades- the problem isn’t intolerance. DN is a social worker, in that respect not a lay person. DN said: I don’t think she’s gay. I think she’s just found friends who accept her. </p>

<p>She loves and supports her daughter- but is worried this is not about identity, but about belonging. She and I agree all she can do is love her D and continue to try to get her to a confident, productive stage in life, whatever her identity is. My role is just to be a supportive neighbor. </p>

<p>But, the question that’s been nagging me is: we aim for a world in which parents, family and friends can be loving and supportive- and strangers can accept. But, what if an educated, tolerant parent truly believes something else is behind this, something psychological or emotional, not sexual identity? Does anyone have any thoughts about this? </p>

<p>I sincerely do not mean to offend anyone. It stunned me when my neighbor said it’s about finally having friends.</p>

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<p>interesting question</p>

<p>Is she really gay or is she just pretending to be gay to fit in? The only reason this matters, imo, is if ‘gay’ is seen as a negative. There was a wonderful episode of* Boston Legal*, one of the last or maybe even the series finale, where Alan and Denny get married. Neither is “really” gay. It is pretty funny and very sweet. It explored what marriage and love really mean. </p>

<p>I believe the fact that such a question can be asked is the reason some young people I know identify as queer or bi regardless of orientation. </p>

<p>edit: I think Sex and the City also played with this idea</p>

<p>Donna help me out: " or no " for gay and queer?
and please correct anything and everything I say :)</p>

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<p>In my opinion, the best thing is for a parent first to express acceptance and support unconditionally. Then, once that’s established, the child should feel comfortable enough to talk openly about his or her life, giving the parent opportunities to question whether something else is going on.</p>

<p>The worst thing would be to say, “I would accept you if you were gay, but I don’t think you really are.” This could result in the child being “extra gay,” as it were, just to prove the parent wrong.</p>

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<p>Why? You’re not entitled to your own opinions?</p>

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<p>mantori: Of course I am entitled to my opinions, which are those of a dominant culture, heteronormative female. I am not entitled to speak for others who have a very different perspective and life experience.</p>

<p>On this thread I am going to try to be aware of when it is appropriate for me to give an opinion :)</p>

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<p>alh, I’m really tired today (I was at my office through the night and am still here), so it’s probably just that I’m not getting something, but I’m not sure what you mean by “or no ‘for gay and queer?’”</p>

<p>PS: I’m no expert on any of this; I speak only for myself!</p>

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<p>^^quotes around gay and queer when used in writing like we are doing on this thread. Is that appropriate? I don’t write “straight”</p>

<p>I try to be careful what I say and write because sometimes “Sam” has to gently tell me that I don’t really know what it feels like to be him. </p>

<p>I understand I frequently do and have gotten it wrong.</p>

<hr>

<p>When I first posted on this message board I was the lone mom (that I am aware of) of a gay child responding to a thread by a very worried mom frightened that her child had just learned his roommate was gay. I thought, “you’re worried??? You don’t know what worried is!!!” Like some of the moms upthread I was really worried about Sam’s safety on campus because it was the first time I didn’t feel like I could physically protect him. I literally had trouble sleeping for a few months. It got better. (lol) Half way through college I hardly worried at all :wink: and now it rarely occurs to me to worry about him any more than I worry about his siblings. :)</p>

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<p>Looking forward

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<p>It sounds like such 100% happy news, that this young person has found loving and accepting friends. As social creatures, after air, water and food it might be the next thing we need. What if she later found that she was more attracted to men? Who cares? Life is a journey, and sometimes we try on different hats along the way. There are some hats a person could try on which might not be healthy (like becoming a crazy party animal), but this is not one of them.</p>

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<p>I’m going to be off-line the rest of the day but did want to express interest in the matchmaking idea floated earlier…</p>

<p>:)</p>

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<p>My daughter came out when she was in high school. We were a little surprised ( we thought she just put horses first- since many of her friends shared that interest).
I did mention once that some people who feel that they are homosexual, find themselves to be somewhere else on the spectrum of homo/heterosexual as they get older.
This observation was rebuffed.
I did not bring it up again, although for the last 3-4 years she has been seriously dating & now living with a man. ( she met him after graduating college)
For some people- I think it is more the person- than the sex. Which I think is perfectly normal.</p>

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<p>alh, it’s a nice idea, but I think my son would not be pleased with the idea that I was even thinking about matchmaking for him!</p>

<p>As for the quotes, ok, now I get it. Sorry. I don’t normally put quotes around words like that, but I can’t say there might not be a situation where it was appropriate. I just can’t think of one right now. </p>

<p>It’s actually kind of hard to believe, by the way, that the New York Times had a strict policy of refusing to use the word “gay” to mean “homosexual” [see, I just found a situation where quotation marks are appropriate!] until sometime in the 1980’s, a very long time after most papers and magazines had started using it. The word was being commonly used among gay people themselves, and in books I’ve seen, at least as long ago as the 1950’s, and of course there’s the famous example of Cary Grant’s character using “gay” in that sense in the 1938 movie, Bringing Up Baby.</p>

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<p>I think what concerns DN is that her D needs friends so much that she is defining her life and identity around them- yes, it is great she has friends. We hope this will help her through many challenges she faced for the last 10+ years. Time will tell. But, DN is partly concerned that D is not coming from a starting point of “this is my identity” or “these are my feelings.” Rather, “this is what works for my friends” and some sense of following their lead, to stay part of the group. It may be a bit different for them because this daughter has dealt with anxiety for so long. And, because these friends are so much more mature. In any case, DN loves her. And, the daughter is getting out of her room and living. She’s 25, btw.</p>

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<p>I’d like to make a couple of comments on dealing with relatives or friends who believe that homosexuality is a sin. Of course, one option is to cut off contact with such people–and it may be the only option if they are really militant about it. But I think for others, you might want to try to preserve the relationship as much as possible.
First of all, you cannot expect that such people will immediately reject what they’ve been taught in church and in their families as soon as they learn that a loved one has come out. They may never be able to fully accept that it’s OK. But they may be able to segment their feelings about that–they may be able to think of it in the same way that they might think of other characteristics or choices by relatives of which they disapprove (i.e., they know that Cousin Charlie drinks alcohol, that Mary and Ben are living together although they’re not married, or that Uncle Fred is a Democrat). They may never like it, but they may not make an issue of it. So decide how much you need them to actually accept, or whether it’s enough that they be polite. Also, I don’t think it’s necessarily fair to call such people “homophobes,” because they believe what they do because that’s what they’ve been taught, not because of personal fears. They may have personal fears too, of course.
I remember making a surprisingly similar post in an old thread in which a kid wanted to know how to introduce a significant other of a different race to his family–some of whom were quite prejudiced. In that case, too, I thought that in some cases, the situation could be managed, and that a complete break wasn’t always the only choice.</p>

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<p>“my son is so little, just 5’2” and very slight, and that doesn’t make things any easier. (Of course, it wouldn’t be any easier if he were straight.)"</p>

<p>It would be much tougher if he were straight, in my experience. </p>

<p>“Rather, “this is what works for my friends” and some sense of following their lead, to stay part of the group.”</p>

<p>This would be normal behavior in a 13-year-old, and it may be that this young woman is still at that early stage of social development due to her anxieties. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it unless the group is doing something dangerous, or unless the person doesn’t mature past this point after a few years. Someone who’s been hiding in her room for a decade won’t catch up with her same-age peers right away. She’ll have to rejoin the maturation process where she left off.</p>

<p>Hunt, I’m with you on not going to the nuclear option with relatives unless it’s necessary. But I’m on a different page regarding classifying people as homophobes (or racists, or whatever). MOST people with prejudices learned them from a social group where such beliefs are the norm. To me, you’re a bigot if you hold bigoted beliefs or take bigoted actions, regardless of who taught you to be that way. You may be a bigot with potential to change…but a bigot nonetheless.</p>

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<p>No one is born a homophobe or a racist or a sexist or anything of the sort. They were all taught it somewhere along the line. That doesn’t change the facts of the situation. </p>

<p>If you think someone is unworthy of the same rights that you have due to their race, sexuality or gender, then you are a racist, a homophobe or a sexist. It’s rather simple, although very ugly.</p>

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<p>I think a bigot is a person who is intolerant of other views–as opposed to a person who simply has views with which I strongly disagree. And I just don’t think managing a relative with these views will be helped much by thinking of him or her, in advance, as a “bigot” or “homophobe.” They may primarily be ill-informed.</p>

<p>Cross-posted with pugmadkate: I don’t think it’s simple at all. Would you, for example, label all Catholics as “sexists” or “bigots” because they don’t believe women should be clergy? I wouldn’t, although I think they’re completely wrong to hold those views.</p>

<p>Let me put this in another, hopefully less controversial way: you are never going to convince these people that their views are wrong by confronting them and trying to make rational arguments. You may convince them, gradually, by letting them see that the gay relative is OK, that he behaves quite normally, that he’s not miserable, etc. This is what will make them rethink their beliefs and change (or at least moderate) them. This is, again, the same way you get the prejudiced grandma to accept the significant other of a different race or religion–not by confrontation, but by familiarity.</p>