I was wondering if there was anyone else here who is currently hosting a foreign exchange student. Or maybe someone who has hosted in the past who would be open to discussing the trials and tribulations that come along with this.
I’m especially interested in stories of where it didn’t start out so great but you were able to turn it around.
We haven’t been hosting very long - she actually came to us after staying with another family for a while - and I’m having trouble navigating some areas. We’re doing a sit down with the coordinator that I don’t expect to be very helpful so I’m looking for help elsewhere.
Thanks. I really need something where I can discuss with other host families and get suggestions for how to handle the situation. We’re dealing with an exchange student who treats us like anonymous owners of a free B&B, rather than an actual host family with responsibilty for her.
A side note. I will never host a Chinese exchange student after what my niece had told me. Niece stayed with us this summer taking a couple of college classes at the local u, and she met a large number of Chinese exchange students who basically came here to shop and scout out RE for their wealthy parents to buy. Niece was in complete shock. I can totally believe the RE part - at every open house we went to, there was at least one group (usually more than one) of Chinese kids looking, taking photos, and texting those pix to someone.
My kids had host families that treated them only like a paycheck. That sucked, too.
Sorry to hear about the difficulties. Was it the same thing with the previous host family? Was that why it wasn’t working out before? I think the sit-down with the coordinator is the right step to take - the sooner the better. I wouldn’t want that situation encroaching on my holidays. Have you had a direct conversation with the girl addressing your concerns and setting some ground rules and expectations?
Regardless, I have hosted students of various ages, and my kids have studied abroad, lived abroad, in HS and college, so lots of experience. Good that you are having the sit down. My experiences have been positive, but it sounds as if she is not being considerate, so you need to come up with a list of house rules and expectations, as well as consequences if things are not going well.
Most of the students I have hosted have good boundaries in place and have been very considerate. But I have a long list of house rules and expectations that I start with from the first day or so. Some of it is cultural, some of it is immaturity. You can pretend that it is cultural, and give a bit of a pass for a bit… But… my hosting teens and early 20s kids was now a long while ago, and some things may have changed for the worse in the internet age and with the Chinese interest in real estate as mentioned above.
I lived with a host family in Germany for a summer when I was in high school, and my parents hosted students (although most of them after me and a couple of my siblings left the house and they had empty rooms). My oldest spent the summer overseas with a host family this past summer, and so we thought the time was right for us to host.
We’re hosting through Rotary and their policy in our area is to divide the school year into three families. She did not get along with the first family, and I guess developed a routine that didn’t involve them. I did get in contact with first host mom who confirmed that they let the girl do her own thing. I would never allow my own children out 5-6 nights a week, but this girl seems to think it’s her right to do so, despite talking to her and letting her know that I didn’t find it acceptable and that I would never allow my own children to go out that often. I also expect to meet the kids who are driving her, get their phone number and home address, and know her whereabouts. She would be a horrible poker player and the disdain for this (and the dinners I make when she’s actually home, and the lunchbox we offered to let her use, and…) comes through loud and clear. I know for certain it is not a language or cultural issue as we have lived in her home country and can communicate in her native language if necessary.
It’s been frustrating and somewhat hurtful. We get invited to a Christmas party over the weekend that our family plans to attend, she comes home the next day and tells us she’s going out with friends instead. That’s just one example.
I really, really wish the program coordinator had had a meeting with all three host families at the beginning so we could have set some type of common expectations. By the time she got to us, the damage was done. We got the vibe from the first family they didn’t want us around, so we didn’t interfere. But the third family did stuff with her at least weekly and now she’s happily going to a Christmas party with them, but won’t do things with us. (DH and I have already had the “she might as well move in with them already” conversation and we may push that option if things don’t change.)
One thing I have learned is that I will never, ever agree to be something other than the first host family for a student.
@SuburbMom , she sounds like a very rude and arrogant person. If she is so fond of the next family, I think you should move her along now, if possible. There is no reason why you should put up with this.
What did the Program Coordinator say?
ETA: We’ve hosted several students, and the experienced ranged from great to very difficult (one case).
@Consolation - Meeting with the program coordinator is this weekend. I think she’s just looking at this as a very extended vacation. School is extremely demanding and stressful in her home country, and she is clearly not putting a ton of effort into school here (credits are not transferring). My take is that the first host family gave her a taste of complete freedom and now that’s what she wants, and in a typical self-centered teenage way, she doesn’t see how her actions are affecting others.
My parents also had mixed experiences, ranging from counting down the days til the student left, to a lifelong relationship that had them attend the student’s wedding. Maybe we’ll just have to try again with a different organization.
I have to say that I think that routinely moving a kid three times in the course of a year sounds like a questionable policy to me. That’s a lot of adjustment. Although that may have nothing to do with your issues with this girl, clearly she has no long term investment in establishing a relationship with you.
Hmm, I go back and forth on this. Is it possible that in the country where she is from people are more independent from parents at a younger age? I have never lived with a host family; nor have I ever hosted a student, so I had no information prior to reading this post, but it kind of shocked me that the host family is expected to take on a role of parents. I guess it makes sense - but as someone unfamiliar with the programs, I was really surprised - it’s not what I would have expected. That made me wonder if maybe that’s not what the girl expected either.
Maybe all this is spelled out to both the student and the host family -it’s just not what I would expect, and I wonder if it’s not what she expected either. Being polite to the host family? Sure. Having dinner with them every night and having them act as your parents and building a deep (not just a respectful) relationship? That surprised me. I guess it would depend on the age too (14 vs. 18).
@Pterosaur - She’s still a minor and we’re responsible for her safety while she’s living with us. She knows she has to follow the laws of the US, the rules of Rotary and the rules in our house. We had to provide references, have a background check, and have a home inspection before being accepted as a host family. There’s no expectation of building a deep and lasting relationsip, but we barely see the girl and that’s not okay either.
I did find out today that she’s failing two classes (her science and math classes). I’m not sure how her parents or Rotary will feel about that. I’m going to try to find out when I meet with the coordinator.
Hosts are supposed to treat exchange students as a member of the family, not as a boarder. The same is true in reverse. I cannot understand why having dinner with the family would be considered odd. Sure, the kid might occasionally go out with friends or be at a friend’s house for dinner or overnight, but most of the time they would be at home, like any other HS kid.
Of course, one is not the kid’s actual parent, but that doesn’t mean the kid gets to run wild, either.
And depending on the student, one can end up offering plenty of emotional support.
Meeting with the coordinator went OK. I’m not sure that the meeting solved anything, but I do feel more empowered to bring things up directly with the student in the context of, “Remember what the coordinator said about…” Winter break is going to be challenging, as the student made it clear that she expects to spend a lot of time with her friends. I was able to reiterate that texting during dinner is absolutely unacceptable (yeah, the other day when we told her no texting during dinner she just put her phone to the side and then picked it up when the next text came in. Then she got up and left the table! At least she loaded her plate in the dishwasher. And we did talk to her after she got back that evening and hopefully she knows this behavior will not be tolerated again.)
I got a moment to talk to coordinator in private and we discussed school performance. She had no idea that the student is in danger of failing courses and said that’s not acceptable. We’re following up with the school on Monday to try to get more access to her grades. There’s a Blackboard system and no one is monitoring the student on it - ideally it will be coordinator who gets access and not me. Coordinator said that she puts the future of exchanges with the school in jeopardy if she doesn’t pass her classes, and that their expectation is that she will essentially be grounded if she doesn’t do well in school. So that is probably going to become the biggest issue. (Student has repeatedly said she doesn’t care about her grades.)
“At least she loaded her plate in the dishwasher.”
Does she have some minor chores around the house to contribute? I’m think things like setting the table, loading the dishwasher some nights with stuff other than her own plate.
The academic issues seem like a good way, to me, to have a reason for new rules and expectations. Although the issues are above and beyond her academic performance, making changes using them as an excuse (going out so often, etc.) might kill 2 birds with one stone.
Not an excuse. I’m from a country that where it is typical for parents to allow some independent behavior that would make most US parents blanch. However, I also knew enough that when I traveled to another country, and especially if I was staying with a host family, that the expectation was that I conform to the rules set forth by the family/organization.
I think you need to lay down the law to her about her manners and her school performance, reiterating what the coordinator said about putting the future of the exchange in jeopardy. If she won’t comply, get rid of her.
Who are these friends, anyway? Are they also students at the HS where your children attend? Do you know their parents? Some communication with the parents might be in order.