<p>I think what’s bothering the OP is the possibility that life may not always be good to her children. If the economy tanks and they are used to a certain lifestyle, a huge mortgage, maybe still have college debts to pay, what then? </p>
<p>OTOH, if they are able to live very comfortably and STILL save for a rainy day, that’s fine.</p>
<p>BHG –</p>
<p>my grandparents were born about the same time as yours. My parents/in-laws were born between 1911-1920 so my husband and I were both heavily influenced by parents that had come of age during the Depression.</p>
<p>I remember my mother having a dozen different ways to cook (and disguise) chicken – because it was the most inexpensive meat available. When my first child was born, she scoured the tag sales and resale shops for clothes and supplies for him – and he grew so fast that it was a really good plan to get inexpensive stuff!</p>
<p>We are considerably more affluent than my children’s grandparents – but I still find it hard to bypass a tag sale!</p>
<p>wecandothis- your post reminds me of how much my children’s time with their grandparents means to them. Although they have been living on military pay and pension their entire adult lives, they have made an art out of living well for less. My kids always love to visit them and love the great ways they have fun for free or very little. My oldest still loves hitting the flea market once in a while because she used to go with her grandparents when she was little for fun. I have to admit, we call my dad when we are looking for some unusual item and he will find it for very little on e-bay or some other out of the way place. He has learned how to find a deal very well…LOL</p>
<p>I don’t consider big spending of one’s own money to be emblematic of entitlement or even selfishness. Like corranged, when I read the thread title I presumed the situation involved grown chldren who felt entitled to parental financial support - and I’d have a major problem with that.</p>
<p>It hurts when our kids don’t adopt the values they were raised with. However, I think the best thing parents of grown children can do is demonstrate, wholeheartedly, that they accept their children’s right to live their own lives according to the values they choose. Otherwise, the result is often that the young adults pull away. I know I would.</p>
<p>Well, thanks a lot. A few of you know what I’m talking about . Believe me, I wouldn’t say a thing!Not a thing. It’s true , when you share different money values there isn’t quite a connection.</p>
<p>They have savings for the baby from money gifts from relatives.</p>
<p>Thanks for the support. The thing is as we age sometimes we think well suppose I don’t live as long as my parents did. Suppose I have 10 more years. It would just be a shame that my values of thrift and caution are never passed on.Never mind, like frazzled 1 said, stupid thread.</p>
<p>BHG, Are you concerned about entitlement, or rather irresponsible planning? Are your kids putting enough money away for their kid’s college, emergencies, and retirement? And it sounds like they ought to be putting an awful lot away for retirement if they want to continue living the same way!</p>
<p>Once when H and I were younger, we were discussing futures with our young neighbors. Both of us had kids. Our neighbors told us they weren’t going to save a whole lot for their kid’s college because they figured by that time, at least one of their parents would be dead and they’d have inherited something! I always wondered if that was something they came up with on their own, or if it had been discussed with mom and dad! (“hey dad, kindly oblige us and die within the next 15 years. And while you’re at it, watch your spending- wouldn’t want to draw down the nest egg.”)
I know this is a morbid story for this time in the morning. Anyway, maybe you’re really just worried that they’re spending money faster than they can save it?</p>
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<p>Please don’t put words in my mouth. I absolutely never said, or implied, that this was a stupid thread. I aplogize for offending you - no offense was intended. What was intended was the expression of my opinion that “often young adullts pull away” when their parents don’t accept their right to make their own decisions. I also said that I would do so - absolutely true.</p>
<p>Since your children aren’t aware of your disapproval of their spending habits, they have no reason to believe you don’t agree with their values. So no problem. But I think I’ll find another thread, myself.</p>
<p>I think that it is somewhat natural for our children to adopt different values/views/attitudes than we’ve taught them…attitudes that reflect the reality that <em>they</em> see. </p>
<p>For example, my IL’s have always encouraged frugal living and saving for retirement. They consider <em>US</em> to be extravagant in some ways (as in giving our kids braces, etc.) <em>lol</em> 
. But their situation was very different from ours and very SIMILAR to many people of their generation.</p>
<p>My FIL, with only a high school diploma and from a dirt poor family, raised six children (albeit minimally) on what he made as a steel worker at a chemical company. None of his kids got braces, help with college, birthday parties, etc., though he somehow managed to buy a new motor home when he retired. This man worked until he was 55-57 and then retired. He has been living on the pension (with insurance benefits) from that company (and also Social Security) for over <strong>25</strong> years of RETIREMENT…he and many others. And they live <em>MUCH</em> better in retirement than they ever lived when he was working because all of the kids are grown and gone. This, with neither of them working for the past 25 years.</p>
<p>In today’s world, rare is the company which has not downsized, slashed benefits, or sold outright. My dh, in his fifties, had his company sell out from under him (and this was a BIG, reputable company) two years ago and <em>POOF</em>, there went what we had signed on for years ago–our retirement, retirement insurance, etc. </p>
<p>So, the advice from HIS parents–to hang tight and live frugally (and wait for retirement)–was not applicable to US, and our advice may not be wholly applicable to our children. Everyone must adapt to the changing world.</p>
<p>I think that many young people don’t think about retirement or think about it, but don’t see it as a realistic option because of the changing corporate/economic conditions. So they live more for the moment. There is a happy medium, of course, and many will find it, but I can definitely understand why our children’s views don’t always mesh with ours. </p>
<p>~berurah</p>
<p>I don’t think this is generational. My peers are all over the map on this kind of thing. Two of my sisters are married and having children; they’re quite thrifty, and I’m downright cheap. My niece looks fabulous in our toddler dresses, which our mother carefully preserved after all four of us wore them, and sleep in our old crib and ride in our old carriage. My pregnant sister told the family that the only baby gift she is hoping for is a tuition fund.</p>
<p>BHG, it seems like you raised your kids in a very frugal household (not a bad thing). So it’s natural that your kids are seeking out “the good things” now that they have their own lives.</p>
<p>I understand some of what you are feeling. We make many sacrifices so our children can have more, but we also hoped that somewhere along the way they would become aware of the value of saving, and learn to spend carefully. Kids today are way too materialistic, and we have probably contributed to this by not spending on ourselves so they could have more/better stuff. I have never had a manicure/facial/designer stuff etc. When I won a salon certificate last year, and saved it for my D to use over winter break, my DH was really mad at me, but it made me happy.</p>
<p>I remember when we were newlyweds, and eating chicken (home-cooked and bought at 39c/lb. on sale at Krogers) was a Sunday treat. We love reminiscing about it, and we have many funny stories for our kids. They were good days.</p>
<p>We did what we did so they wouldn’t have to. You have to stop analyzing their lifestyle too much, and so long as they are not mooching off of you, stay out of it. I’m sure the internal seething is not doing you any good, and will put a strain on your relationship. Daughters are wonderful friends to have and keep. If she senses your unspoken criticism, you will be the one losing out :(</p>
<p>Oh no. I am so upbeat ! </p>
<p>This is a VERY personal topic here for me. None of my kids come to this site. No one here knows me.Just venting. Smart people here though. I alwys enjoy all the comments.And appreciate the younger generation who chimes in too. It’s nice to hear everything and critism is fine. After all, I posted it!</p>
<p>Your kids are adults, and they live their life their way now. Imagine how your grandmother would feel if she saw the way you live–probably shocked. But the truth is…it’s your life to live, and its OK, as long as you’re not doing something <em>wrong</em>. The intergenerational feeling of disconnect is something natural and everyone just has to accept it. You can’t control your kids like you used to, and they <em>gasp</em> have their own values. I’m sure your kids have a similar thought process going on about you.</p>
<p>I don’t mean to be inconsiderate, sorry if it comes off that way.</p>
<p>"many young people don’t think about retirement or think about it, but don’t see it as a realistic option because of the changing corporate/economic conditions. So they live more for the moment. "</p>
<p>Exactly why this generation and those to follow MUST do more for themselves. Things have changed. 401k’s have replaced defined benefit plans not to the benefit of the employee. Shifting risk onto oneself IS not a better situation, especially if you ignore that fact that the responsibility shifted. </p>
<p>This is not to go to war with B, she is right in many ways. Things have changed and a person must be more flexible in planning. However, the days of planning nothing cause my (boss, mom and dad, good fairy)will take care of me are gone in most cases. </p>
<p>I think one thing the poster worries about is kids who don’t save and 10-15 years from now have the involuntary job change or finanical crisis and they have no where else to turn but home… Most people have a tough enough time planning retirement for their spouse and themselves, let alone their kids and grandkids. It’s a fear alot of older people have when they look at how their kids spend… Someday they might have to say “no” to their adult children and it will emotionally kill them. Or they will say “yes” and significantly reduce their retirement income. Either way, is not a good situation to be in… So go on poster ask those questions, see what they’re thinking… if at all. Sometimes making them a bit angry also makes them think a bit. Whatever works. </p>
<p>I express my concerns because in my occupation I deal with every age and every plan for the future. Most people only view their “plan” from a 100% perfect prespective. Rarely does it work out that way.</p>
<p>“The intergenerational feeling of disconnect is something natural and everyone just has to accept it.”</p>
<p>That is not as true for many other cultures. The connections between generations is expected and prized. The parent culture in the US seems to pride itself in raising independent, free-thinking individuals who have every advantage and opportunity they themselves didn’t. This works exceedingly well for some things (entrepreneurial enterprises) but not so well in other things (the deplorable state of care for many of the elderly in this country). There are definite trade-offs in each scenario.</p>
<p>“Most people only view their “plan” from a 100% perfect prespective. Rarely does it work out that way.” </p>
<p>I have the opposite problem. I always imagine a perfect storm of financial disasters. My assumption is that I will get fired, then get cancer, then my lack of health insurance drinks up my assets, and I’ll end up living in a cardboard box. Members of your profession always have to remind me that for young investors, “risk” is not a dirty word. :)</p>
<p>I just remembered a story from my daughter’s elementary years. Probably something she had to write on “what I did over winter vacation.” Anyway, she wrote “I went shopping with Grandma at Clearance.” She thought it was the name of a store, cause that’s where they always went! Grandma knew how to clothe children on a dime.</p>
<p>"have the opposite problem. I always imagine a perfect storm of financial disasters. My assumption is that I will get fired, then get cancer, then my lack of health insurance drinks up my assets, and I’ll end up living in a cardboard box. Members of your profession always have to remind me that for young investors, “risk” is not a dirty word. "</p>
<p>If I wasn’t married…
</p>
<p>No, risk is a still a dirty word for the young too. It’s just making sure something is conservative investment wise to cover the risk you take on.
Your thought process is fine actually. Good things in life we need not worry about, that’s why they’re called good things. It’s recognizing the bad possibilities and making plans to deal with different outcomes that planning is about. All those things in the back of your mind, if you plan ways to deal with them, you’re ahead of the game for sure.</p>
<p>My grandmother was born in 1890. My mother is a product of the depression. The goal was always to provide more for your children. I never want my children to feel the need of my parents or grandparents. Being the seventh of eight, there wasn’t much “trickle down”. My kids buy more clothes than they need, drink more Starbucks than I do, and regularly visit a salon. I’m happy I created these monsters.</p>
<p>While there certainly isn’t much that parents can do about how their adult children manage their lives, including their finances, parents can and do worry about the choices that their children make. </p>
<p>For whatever reason, it seems that instant gratification has become a way of life in this country. I know many, many people with tremendous amounts of student loans who are just not willing to forego fabulous trips to Europe and Asia, new cars and big houses. I had a different attitude, and delayed many luxuries for many years while I paid off my student loans and saved money to put down on my first home. Who is really better off in the end, though? I don’t have the memories of those fantastic vacations from those early years out of school, and it took a long time before I had the thrill of “new car smell” in my car. Today, my friends who refused to delay the luxuries that were important to them don’t regret it for a minute, though they are still paying off student loans and car loans and big mortgages. Sometimes I wonder whether I delayed for too long. It really is just a choice, though, isn’t it?</p>
<p>As a parent, I would be upset, however, if I was still subsidizing my son or daughter’s lifestyle by paying their insurance premiums, helping with rent, etc. and if my son or daughter was spending money frivolously that could be used to foot the bill for costs that I was otherwise funding. My response in that situation would most likely be to simply stop the financing when my son or daughter could so clearly afford to support him or herself.</p>