Count me as another one who believes this a very insightful, and helpful, approach to the current “problem.”</p>
<p>Similarly, I find wish<em>it</em>was_april’s suggestions worthy of consideration:
*move pure congrats and sympathies to PM/email
*post acceptances/decisions on general threads for that purpose rather than starting new threads for each kid
*avoid “I sent you a PM” posts, unless absolutely necessary.</p>
<p>I don’t mean, and I’m sure wish_ didn’t mean, to “dictate” what people should post, nor that there is anything at all wrong with such posts. But, apparently, some are finding this Board cliquish and following wish_'s suggestions would help in that vein.</p>
<p>btw, I had no idea it was cliquish, perhaps haven’t been here long enough to know who is in one and who isn’t. Of course, that doesn’t stop me from wondering how come I’m not in any good cliques :eek:. Sends me right back to the worst insecurities of middle school </p>
<p>(Now, don’t be mad, just trying to inject some lightheartedness with that last paragraph).</p>
<p>I’ve enjoyed all of your posts… and I’ve also learned over my time here to simply ignore most things from the mouth (keyboard) of Xiggi. I’m sorry that you had to learn that the hard way. </p>
<p>I hope your son makes out well, and I hope things turn out great for you and your family. Best wishes.</p>
<p>If xiggi’s comment is directed at you, I find it offensive and misaimed. Although I don’t believe that I ever posted anything about your son, I read the thread with interest and sympathy. I found your posts absolutely appropriate and wished I had something to offer beyond what others said. No apology is needed.</p>
<p>Andi,
I’m another person waiting with baited breath to see where your son end’s up. I open up the cc board every day and hope to see if there is a thread that says something like “woo hoo! good new from Andi’s Mom!”. I haven’t been able to read through everything lately but that’s a thread I’m looking for.</p>
<p>ADad, I don’t think Xiggi’s post was directed at Andi. I think it referred mostly to discussion in threads that were deleted.</p>
<p>But, unfortunately, I do think that the comment about the comment is part of the problem. I know that I am probably making things worse by saying it, because I certainly don’t have any problem with Andi. Andi came to the board with a real problem (son wasn’t accepted anywhere, so where can he go?) and as far as I know the thread she started is still there, and all discussion was civil - even though it was sidetracked into a discussion of college admission preferences for athletes.</p>
<p>But Andi assumed that a general statement was directed at her personally and felt hurt. Rather than asking Xiggi for clarification, we now have a 2nd discussion about how Xiggi attacked Andi… except he never did. Xiggi made a statement Andi didn’t agree with, not a personal attack. It’s possible that he either intentionally or inadvertantly made a generalization that pertained to her … but that doesn’t make it personal – any more than Andi’s making a general statement about student athletes was ever intended to be an attack on the individual posters here whose kids are recruited athletes. </p>
<p>So now what are the rest of us supposed to do? Rally to Andi’s defense? Bash Xiggi? Shower Andi with sympathy? Rehash the debate over what is appropriate to say? Take sides and reiterate Xiggi’s position? Refrain from posting out of fear that we will offend someone by offering an opinion that someone will take umbrage at?</p>
<p>You see the dilemma. It would be a lot easier if people who felt hurt and offended would just say so directly: “_<strong><em>, I found your comment about _</em></strong> hurtful. Was it directed at me?”</p>
<p>Thanks everyone for the helpful and kind words. You know I really think Alumother had some great advice which has already been quoted once but I’m going to post it again here:</p>
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<p>This is such great advice!!! Thank you! Maybe someday we can post a “Tips for Smooth Posting” thread !!! </p>
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<p>Thanks JEM I have never looked forward to buying sheets so much in my life!!! There are indeed wonderful people on this forum. It’s amazing that you can actually get to ‘know’ people through cyberspace. Of course the rest of my family think I’m crazy!!! :o</p>
<p>Can we start a thread on how many of our families think we’re crazy? I know H rolls his eyes whenever he hears me tap-tapping away on “that college thing!” :D</p>
<p>jmmom, you and me can go read romance novels in the library at recess together:) Everyone is welcome to join. Remember the absolute bafflement of middle school social dynamics? I always found hiding to be a useful strategy.</p>
<p>Andi, I have been thinking about your thread a lot today, and I am thankful that you wrote your “original” post, and that you are dear enough to think to start this one, though I think it truly unnecessary. I know you know we went through some waitlist tough times in my family, too, and I have been glad to be able to share what we went through if it helps at all. It helps ME to be able to share it. Blessings.</p>
<p>Hi Andi - I sincerely appreciated your original post because it gave me an example of how to behave with grace and class while under pressure and during a very disappointing experience. I didn’t contribute to it because I had nothing useful to add that could help your son, but I do hope that some of his waitlist options resolve in his favor very soon.</p>
<p>I find both Andi’s and Xiggi’s posts to be interesting and helpful. And if anybody here on CC makes an occasional insensitive slip (and I think most of us have done this), I usually try not to read too much into it, unless it becomes a trend. I tend to go by the overall kind of posts not one or two emotional posts, which any of us could make if the right button gets pushed! And Andi, I truly don’t think anything you posted has caused anyone to leave. Still hoping that your S hears good news soon!</p>
<p>Well, it isn’t you, Andi. “What went wrong” is just too perfect a title, and it attracted plenty of attention. I remain of the opinion, though, that there has been way too much whining, and way too much raw emotion on CC.</p>
<p>andi,
I just reread your original post and I too am humbled by your honesty, clarity, and class. It touched a nerve partly because any of us could be in a similar situation --and because to some degree or another, even for those gaining acceptances into Elite first choice U, we all have thoughts about all the “what ifs”. </p>
<p>I think this process seems like our final formal role as parents to support our child as they move on to their college life. It is intense with or without any crude remarks which I for one have been capable of making. WE are all routing for your family and anxiously waiting to hear the next chapter of the story. I see your successful happy child being interviewed a decade from now and looking back at this experience as a time of growth, challenge, and family support.</p>
<p>Andi, I see similarity between those statements and also posts and threads generated by several other posters besides you. You aren’t the only one whose agonized over a rejection or loss on this board – and I don’t think you own the words “what went wrong?” </p>
<p>I don’t think Xiggi’s comment was directed at any single poster, but more at the tenor of a lot of threads and posts. In any case, it was a general statement that was part of an attempt to make a larger point. You never gave Xiggi a chance to explain himself-- you just felt angry and hurt and lashed back with a personal attack: (“I think you are an extremely arrogant and self-serving individual.”)</p>
<p>Xiggi made a statement in the context of a discussion. If you disagree - you could have done so without personalizing it and calling Xiggi arrogant and self-serving. Or you could have simply said that you were hurt. Or - if you were really interested getting at the heart of it – you could have given some thought as to why the type of posts Xiggi described are irksome to some people. </p>
<p>It was very appropriate for you to start the “what to do” thread when your son was confronted with all those rejections – many parents offered helpful suggestions about where else your son might apply, or what he could do in the coming year - which is exactly what this board has always been about. </p>
<p>But there was also an ugly side to that thread - which you have recognized and apologized for in this thread - because along with the angst over your son’s rejections, there was resentment over athletes with lower grades and test scores who got into the colleges that turned your son down. That led to a discussion about athletic preferences in admission, and pretty soon there was a debate going over whether band kids or athletes worked harder. Of course by that time, many other posters than you were involved. </p>
<p>And I’m just saying that it may very well be that side of the thread that Xiggi found so bothersome. I can’t speak for Xiggi, but from his whole post, including his comments about the rah-rahs and the colored fonts and exclamation points, I think he is disconcerted by the tenor of some discussions that come across as “my dog’s better than yours”.</p>
<p>I know that’s what bugs me. I’m delighted to celebrate victories and give sympathy over losses, but it rubs me the wrong way when it turns into “my son/daughter was more deserving than ______”. The fact that the less deserving individual or class is not part of our online community doesn’t make the comment any less bothersome to me… I still see such posts in a very negative light and have an impulse to want to come to the defense of the maligned class.</p>
<p>Andi, you of all posters need apologize for nothing! </p>
<p>We are all sensitive and having a child wronged by the system is the best route I know to hypersensitivity and over-reaction. [Mea culpa too, but you know what, Im not particularly remorseful.] </p>
<p>Your sons story was chilling because it could have happened to so many of us. I and so many others here are seriously plugging for him (to the extent that I read the Swarthmore board first and now know more about PhD placements than I ever wanted to know )</p>
<p>Im not referring to any specific poster here (really!), but to the general response that the sufferer is somehow the cause of his/her woes, which although quite possibly accurate is not productive or helpful in the context of this forum once the horse is out of the barn. If you need to be judgmental, at least be gentle. Knowing that a parent has particularly raw exposed nerve, I would think that other parents (who could very well have fallen afoul of the same irrational system, but for the grace of god) would have the common sense and compassion to BACK OFF a bit on the ya-shoulda-known-betters or in a phrase that my father in law is famously known for in our family: Aw, quit yer bellyaching!. </p>
<p>My advice, Andi, just keep posting and try to ignore the bad-news-bears barbs. Youve got a full fledged fan club out here. Your familys trials have touched us and we care.</p>
<p>Andi, your thread was incredibly helpful to me and it has influenced the entire college search process for my family. I have completely re-worked our approach and list of schools, mainly because of your experience. We are totally clueless about what would be a good fit for our D and I rely on information from people like you to fill in some of the huge gaps in our college search knowledge. I know your son will be fine, he sounds like such a talented and interesting kid. If he decides to do a gap year there are so many worthwhile programs and projects out there that would be privileged to have him on board.</p>
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