Apology/ the purpose of CC

Parent Cafe
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<p>I haven’t been reading this site too often lately, and I was perplexed by the sudden change in tone. Then it just made total sense. Timing. We went from the hopeful stage, with everyone providing support to the reality stage–the results that can’t be made anything than what they are.</p>

<p>I’ve long realized that people are here for different reasons. There are those who want genuine advice with no holds barred. Those that want genuine advice put gently. Those that want confirmation that they or their child is a star and ivy shoo in. Those that want to make friends and have people to chat with daily. Boasters. The insecure, You name it!</p>

<p>The powers that be seem to want the gentle approach as shown by which threads they decide to close. Certainly thier preogative, but different than many message boards. And the gentle positive attitude does prevail here.</p>

<p>Today I got a PM from a poster looking for advice. It seems I posted on his “what are my chances thread” and my contrarian view came to pass. Not a happy ending for him. His situation has consumed me much of today. As a parent who understands the UC system, it was clear to me this kid had little chance. Yet poster after poster told him he was a shoo in. I have not yet had his response as to what his remaining options are, but honestly I’m quite concerned he thought this school was his safety.</p>

<p>So what do we make of all of this? The heartache all of us feel for andi. The elation when Berurah’s son had the positive news flowing. The kids who found out that most of the posters assuring their admission were 17 year olds with lower stats aiming at the same schools. The mom in pain because it’s really hard to tell a kid to “buck up” and go to a school she’s not excited about and think there’s any hope she’ll buy that advice.</p>

<p>Do we want to except only those personalities who couch their beliefs in placid tones in an open forum? Can we appreciate posters who call a spade a spade? Do moderators keep shutting down threads and people when it offends someone?</p>

<p>As has been noted, the college admissions process has become something with a life of it’s own. Truly, it is unbelievable and disturbing.
Have any of you watched the movie Spanglish, which begins with the adcoms at Princeton reviewing the application question “who do you most admire” and quickly shutting the file of the applicant who admired Mother Theresa? Boom, 2 seconds, not original enough, not this year’s answer.</p>

<p>So what does that mean for CC. There are many threads lamenting the process. We can gripe all we want. And keep assuring that the hard working kid will find a wonderful college where he will be happy. So much support, so many heartwarming sentiments and folks with good hearts. So if that is the purpose of the site, it’s doing very well.</p>

<p>But if the purpose is to be a real source of accurate information, there needs to be less thin skin and more of an invitation for debate, openess and personalities you may not choose to invite to your next dinner party.</p>

<p>The irony? The thin skinned, perceived wronged crowd are the parents. I ache for the kids.</p>

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<p>I have always said that posts on the Parent’s Forum of CC fall into one of three categories: (a) asking for help or advice (or lately, empathy), (b) giving help, information, advice, empathy, and (c) bragging about one’s kid (sometimes disguised, but accomplishing the same thing). Now, bragging is allowed here, because you CAN’T do it with real life friends or aquaintances, so this is a great outlet for it, and we shouldn’t mind it cause we all want to do it.</p>

<p>But those categories are for the Parents Forum. This is the Cafe, where ANY subject goes. It’s like the Parents Forum is the Coffee Shop or Tea Room and the Parents Cafe is the Saloon, honky-tonk piano and poker games and all.</p>

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<p>Kirmum,
I agree with your statement:</p>

<p>“The irony? The thin skinned, perceived wronged crowd are the parents. I ache for the kids.”</p>

<p>On one of the student’s threads, a young poster responded to some back and forth on athletic admits with something to the effect of -</p>

<p>“colleges like smart, well rounded athletes, so get over yourself”</p>

<p>Which, in a nutshell, is true for many of the colleges that people agonise over. Tactless - well, yes. Blunt - assuredly. But quite valuable in producing a valid college list - whether or not you or your son/daughter are athletes. </p>

<p>This forum is a virtual medium - respect is garnered by one’s words and the validity of one’s information. Expecting a young person to respect someone because they say they are older, or are a parent many times over is a little unrealistic. Like mstee, I am willing to cut younger posters a lot more slack than (self-declared) older ones. Yes, xiggi is blunt at times, but I have the highest regard for him and the service that he has done for many young people, including my son.</p>

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<p>I like that. Sounds good to me!!!</p>

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<p>If only we could harness all this collective energy and do something truly amazing with it…</p>

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<p>I think we’re already doing something amazing, at least our researchers are probably making note of the buzz and wondering what upset the hive. I know I’m wondering - I feel like a small child in a divorce. Don’t know what everyone’s fighting about, but figure it’s all my fault and wondering who’s going to get custody. Maybe, though, we could all try and lift the Washington monument off it’s footing if we concentrate really hard (and click our heels, for those of us wearing ruby slippers).</p>

<p>I am confused.</p>

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<p>Wow. Something tells me that our offspring, known as generation “M” would handle all of this econflict much differently. (“M” for media) We are in their playground, which has two big problems. Wide open forum for discussion with strangers—and a very impersonal slant. Can we develop strong personal bonds with those we have never met? I guess it happens…I keep thinking I can call up jamimom with questions but I don’t know her number…tee hee. Can we recognize a hater…no direct contact necessary on that one either. Is this an optimal way to relate with others?? God help us if anyone answers yes. Please go to the “What I like about CC” forum for a reality check everyone. This site has been a blessing to my D and myself and I am thankful to carolyn, mini, et.al for all of the wisdom–which checks out!!—that they share. Don’t throw out the baby with the bathwater folks. Andi- your posts are always thoughtful and I have been helped so much by your story. Thanks for carving a path for those of us with rising seniors. momnipotent</p>

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<p>LefthandofDog, I agree, I think we ARE already doing amazing things with the energy on College Confidential. Unfortunately there have been some uncomfortable undertones lately and folks are discussing these issues and how to make sure we can keep the level of decorum and courtesy that are hallmarks of these message boards while still meeting the needs of readers/posters. </p>

<p>I really do love your post. I hope we can move on and get back to the positive wonderful energy on CC!</p>

<p>And now back over the rainbow…carry on!
Susan</p>

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<p>Lizschup, you raise a question that can have many different answers depending on the mindset and the person. And I really do not have a definitive answer or opinion. There actually was a thread on cheating, and I believe I did address the poster’s question. There were a slew of posts from people who did chastise the poster. Part of the reason was that his post seemed so devoid of any accountability or anything other than a request for advice on how to mitagate the damage his cheating has done. Though I did not comment on his lack of repetance or reflection, I did not feel that many of the posts that did comment on the subject were out of place, and I felt like I had kind of missed the moral point though I did address his questions more directly than most of the poster and spared him any of the morals sermon. I don’t feel that some display of feeling is inappropriate, but when it starts getting mean spirited or a personal attack, I draw the line. I choose not to respond in a heated fashion when someone gets too personal or mean with me, and just focus on other threads till the issue goes away, or just ignore the poster. Doesn’t always happen here, however. </p>

<p>I think you bring up a good point. Perhaps a moderator role for you someday. I think the boundaries of CC are deliberately fuzzy in this area. </p>

<p>As for Xiggi’s comments, I’m taking a pass on even having an opinion because I don’t feel like doing the necessary research on the history of this issue. However,I think he well states the realities of posting on a forum in terms of the types of comments one will get. You are not necessarily going to get support from everyone even in a situation where common courtesy would be to be sympathetic. This is the risk of posting on these forums.</p>

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<p>Kirmum,
I love your post from last evening…#61…you really have captured the agony and the ecstasy of CC…for parents anyway. We are thin skinned and it is hard when the empathy is not combined with supportive information. I did see Spanglish … and I felt sorry for Princeton getting the bad rap… not that I have any ties to Princeton… but certainly it was clever and right on about perceptions of college admissions today…even if not true. One mom cannot believe her child is not going to XYZ school because early app was rejected…one mom is upset because her child’s apps were rejected almost everywhere… I know that I inquired about others experiences with waitlists at some point last spring…when my child got 4 of them… out of 10 apps… never in our wildest dreams did we think that waitlists would be such a factor in the application process… luckily, he also got 5 great acceptances… and 1 rejection… but, I, the parent wonder about those waitlists still… my child doesn’t… it is almost as though we are still dealing with the alternative paths our kids could be on… as though they are valid paths… when in fact the paths are now gone from sight? </p>

<p>I do know that while I like the support threads…I only like them up to a certain point and then it does seem overdone. </p>

<p>I do believe that the value in CC is information… and information on specific schools is great, info on specific applicants is helpful once decisions are in, info about $$, merit and need based… I also liked the lists last yr on what a kid needs to bring… I can testify that my child rejected the silverware, the bread knife, the 4 corning white plates, and some other items too ridiculous to mention that I had gathered for him to stock his common room…I think he took the bottle/can opener and the light bulbs… I find the other parents concerns to be of interest when they mirror my interests or concerns…but, if I am not interested in them, I just don’t read them. I do look at the names of the posters that make an impression on me…but I often read thru a thread without concern for the poster…unless it either is something I agree with and they have said it in a powerful or succinct way… or it is something I strongly disagree with and I want to know who thinks like that?? One of the hardest things to resist doing is comparing one kid to another…because it just is not that simple…not only can one not compare a kid (don’t we all know this about our own kids?) but, we also rarely know the whole picture. Perhaps a teacher rec used a code word for “reject this loser” but we don’t know it cause we never see their rec. Perhaps the athlete also has grown tremendously and someone is advocating them because of the potential in them, not because of their accomplishments so far. I continue to think that the best advice to any applicant is to not put all your eggs in any one basket…have a lot of baskets, diff size and shapes, near and far and scatter your eggs so that you can end up with 1 basket that you want when all is done. Falling in love with any one school is a recipe for disaster…</p>

<p>It is a silly obsession of mine though to still come back…afterall I have a college freshman (already home for the summer…time flies when having fun) and an 8th grader, soon to be 9th. But, again, going back to the image of the alternative paths our kids could be on if only… I know that one of the hardest things to accept when I miscarried a long time ago at only 6 weeks…was that I already had dreams for that child and visions and hopes…so, Kirmum’s view of perhaps the timing of some of this angst is right on the money…folks are still mourning what is not to be…or they are upset that they just don’t know where their kid will be… that sense of not knowing was VERY tough for me prior to April 1st… was my child going to be far away… close… would they be happy with their choices… I tried selling my child on including some schools…that he refused to consider… some he added to his list… but it was always his list…not mine… </p>

<p>Hopefully, folks like marite will give in to the “need” to see what is going on… to tell us how her son did at the start of the school year this fall… and our collective knowledge that has been whole heartedly contributed and documented here will benefit kids and parents alike down the road. Certainly I encourage my friends with HS kids to give this site a try…I have found the information to be invaluable and I have said thank you…and I mean thank YOU all… I will be a smarter consumer next time around. Hope this makes sense and isn’t too rambling, stream of consciousness for you all…</p>

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<p>Interestingly, useful information pops out on the hot topics. I don’t remember which thread brought out a quantitative value for the average size (in SAT points) and effect of an athletic tip at a LAC. Regardless of how you feel about this (or any) issue, it is information to be considered in compiling a reasonable college list. Realistically, there’s not all that much we can ‘do’ about whatever college admissions foible we don’t like - except to help ourselves, our children, or our cyber-friends from being burned by the process.</p>