<p>15 is not too young for a bus trip to a supervised destination. It is way too young for the situation you describe, so no, you aren’t overreacting.</p>
<p>I’m with dragonmom and bluealient BIG TIME!</p>
<p>This, to me, is not a question about the logistics of two friends visiting long distance.</p>
<p>This is a 15 year old, going to another city, to an unknown home, to spend time with a stranger, met online.</p>
<p>No way.</p>
<p>BTW, when I was a high school sophomore I met a boy who lived a long distance away. We “fell in love.” We had met at a Debating Tournament in another city. We “went together” for several years, into college. We met each other’s families during that time. We kept up a “long distance relationship,” with letters. We saw each other very occasionally when our schools attended the same debate tournaments.</p>
<p>At no time did I think my parents owed me travel to and from his city, nor travel for him to my city. You’re a young teen, you fall in love with someone from away? Then you use IM, phone, letters and that’s it. No one owes you anything re arranging get-togethers.</p>
<p>by visiting the house and meeting the family, you are not automatically agreeing to allow D to go there, because unless you are going to follow her in all her free time, she will find a way to get with her new friend, and you ought to know where that place is…if for nothing else, to get her if she sneaks out when you have told her no…</p>
<p>it is true this is a friendship/romance to be concerned about because of how they met, what you have heard, and your daughters determination</p>
<p>My suggestion of taking her once a month- it would be during the day, for some sort of thing, like a fair, or show, where you have a set time and place to pick them up, and take friend home…its a pain, sure, but then you have some control, some sense of the new friend, and boundaires as to time…i don’t see that as owing a kid, I see that as understanding and compromising…but maybe I am one who doesn’t mind spending a day once in a while so my kid can hang with friends</p>
<p>is your D wanting to take bus there and back all in one day? or spend the night…</p>
<p>and what was your sense of the friend when she came for a visit</p>
<p>does D have many friends locally, her sexuallity- has she been “out” for long, and is this her first romance? is she accepted for who she is in school and with her peers…alot of this determination to see this new friend maybe because this is all brand new…I could be wrong, but first love can ve very strong…and if your D is just coming into accpting and aknowlegding publically her orientation recently and openly, those feelings will come flooding out</p>
<p>just some thoughts</p>
<p>Hold your ground, Tired Parent!</p>
<p>The best case scenario here involves a 15 year old going to a rough city to spend a weekend with a two year older teenager the 15 y.o.'s parents have never met, who the 15 y.o. met online, and whose home, parents, and level of supervision are unknown to the 15 y.o.'s family. Does this sound safe? Does the possibility of coerced activities with no way out seem that far-fetched in this situation? </p>
<p>And then we have the worst case scenario, the one in which the child predator alarm bells are going off…</p>
<p>It sounds as if names and addresses are being given out online in the course of romantic exchanges, which makes young teens extremely vulnerable. I don’t think it would be unwarranted snooping for you to get into that computer and track where your daughter has been chatting and what the exchanges have been. She might not be in a safe situation. And the 17 y.o. might not be who she says she is.</p>
<p>Finally, call me conservative, but I don’t think I’d have a two year older teenager my 15 year old kid met online and toward whom my kid had romantic feelings, overnight in my home. I wouldn’t want them overnight together anywhere.</p>
<p>Another mom weighing in. </p>
<p>Very scary situation. Not OK for 15 yo to meet an online romantic partner in a strange city. Just NOT OK!</p>
<p>No difference whether it’s a male or female romantic interest – it’s not safe!</p>
<p>STAND YOUR GROUND. </p>
<p>And while you are at it, gather all available info on this ‘friend’ just in case something goes bad…</p>
<p>Mom has met the girl, D says she will go visit no matter what, I am saying to check out family, etc., and so what if they spend a Saturday togehter once in a while with mom in same town…</p>
<p>Our kids go off all the time, saying they are with friends, and we have to trust them, but we let them do it…we don’t know FOR SURE who they are running into downtown, or at the movies, or a party, or a bonfire…</p>
<p>this is of course not ideal situation, but sometimes parents have to give of their own time…I have driven 5 hours to pick up my D from a slumber party she wanted to go to for her best friends birthday, and took her to a place our family was staying for the weekend…I have napped in a parking lot of a stadium during a concert…</p>
<p>it doens’t have to be all or nothing, but to automatically discard this first love with no real reasons, besides location and inconvience is not fair, and how they met sure is sketchy, but that is all the more reason to go to her town, etc.</p>
<p>if this girl lived say across town, with sam family circumstances, would we be so vehement about the relationship</p>
<p>I am not saying, do whatever, I am saying this is a bit more complicated, but no less real</p>
<p>Mom needs to get invovled and be a bit more willing to check things out…regardless of the drive…and you have every right and responsibility to ask d to see information about this girl…just be careful not to just dismiss friendship out of hand</p>
<p>and the excuse, too far to drive…doesn’t work for me… sorry…if you really love your daughter, you will check this girl’s family and situation out in person…cause your D will find a way to be with her unless you are with her 24-7…sad but true</p>
<p>TiredP… hoooo boy! I think you wrote that you have NOT met this new friend even tho she visited your city, is that right? Why not? So you really don’t know anything for sure about this girl, including her age. She might be 17, and she might be 27. I don’t think you are being overprotective. If anything you aren’t sufficiently supervizing your daughter. I don’t mean to be critical, just voting against the “overprotective” label. You are in a very difficult situation.</p>
<p>"She does well in school and doesn’t use drugs, etc. She is also surly and awfully entitled. "</p>
<p>No matter how wonderful one’s kid appears to be never be sure that they don’t use drugs. Students with high grades, well behaved, etc. still can use drugs, and often the parents are the last to know.</p>
<p>How exactly did your D meet this new friend? The situation sounds fishy because in general, teens don’t get new friends who live hours away and whom their parents haven’t met. </p>
<p>f you have not met “her,” how do you know that she is even a she? The new friend could be a 30-year-old man. That also would account for why the new friend’s parents would allegedly allow her to take a Greyhound bus to your city. That story could be made up to cover the fact that a grown man drove to your city to see your D.</p>
<p>Really think about it. How many teen girls would be threatening to rebel to allegedly take a bus to travel to see a new girlfriend. That doesn’t add up.</p>
<p>I agree with those who say to check the computer. The whole set-up sounds fishy and scary.</p>
<p>I’d talk to the girl and the parents since Greyhound stuff is involved. Checking the computer, no way.</p>
<p>This reminds me of a train/ferry trip from Paris to London I took when I was young and single. There were two other English speakers in my section: a male Art History assistant professor from a noted American college and a charming red headed young woman, who appeared to be about twent-five,was very quiet and let the two of us males do all the talking. Of course, most of the talking we did was in the line of impressing this young woman until the idea struck both of us at the same time that we would be even more impressive if we showed some interest in what she had to say. As I recall the conversation went something like this:
Professor and I, “So what were you doing in Paris?”
Charming Red Head, “Visiting a pen pal.”<br>
<strong>Light bulb begins to go on in our heads</strong>*
I said, "Pen pal!! How old are you?
Charming Red Head, “Fourteen.”
Professor, "Fourteen! Does your mother know where your are?
CRH, “Yes.”
Professor, “Doesn’t she know what kind of people travel on these trains?”
I to professor, “You mean people like us?”
At anyrate the bragging stopped, and we kept a close watch on this young woman all the way to London.</p>
<p>I’m not sure why some people keep saying friend when the OP said that her daughter and this other girl are in a relationship and met online. Is that correct? Did the OP met the girl herself??</p>
<p>I fully endorse independence, but I’m with TiredParent on this one. First of all, I do NOT approve of “invisible friends.” My parents (dad & stepmom) are very laid-back and let me be independent, but they didn’t allow me to have invisible friends. They are incredibly social people, so they genuinely care about the kids they meet. (Much like with Berurah, my friends would ask my parents for advice!) I didn’t have my own line, so when my friends called up, they would sometimes get my parents for a brief chat. “So, how’s life? How’s the hubby? When are you guys coming over next? I’ll let Aries know that you called.” </p>
<p>Second, if your kid wants to be treated as an independent adult, then she should act like one. Sure, parents should help with this transition, but acting like an adult doesn’t mean “my way or the highway.” If she’s independent enough to want to travel to this city by herself, then she should figure out acceptable transportation. That’s her problem, not your problem to be chauffuer. That could be anything from (if you are inclined to make the trip for a day), you driving, strolling around the city while the girls hang out, and picking them up. She can use her allowance or babysitting money to pay for some or all of the gas. </p>
<p>Third, this is a problem you run into when you have parents who actually care about you. My parents were much more strict than the parents of some of my friends, but they care about their kids and want to see them grow up to be healthy, productive adults. There is nothing wrong with telling your kid (or having a friend who knows your kid well) that this is what happens when parents care. </p>
<p>I guess this gets into the “invisible friend” issue. My friends were never invisible - even in college, they went home with me for Easter; even in law school when my parents never visited, some of them were in Massachusetts and we hung out - but my parents’ friends aren’t invisible, either. I’ve spent time with “the adults” since I was an infant, so I’ve heard the conversations that adults have (my parents are the ones with the oldest chidren of their peers, so it’s always conversation about younger kids) about their offspring. I’ve grown up knowing that parents worry about their kids and are genuinely concerned about their development.</p>
<p>If that all isn’t there, you have an uphill battle when explaining to your kid what is acceptable and what is not acceptable, because (like with anything else) the values have not been reinforced through a family or a tight-knit group of friends.</p>
<p>Fourth, do not do what a lot of divorced/single parents do, which is to be afraid to discipline your child for fear that she’ll be out of your lives. “Well, I’m going” is not acceptable. I’ve seen divorced parents let their kids get away with more - either to compensate for a bad childhood or out of fear - and it never does anyone any good. You just have to treat her as a rational (I know, I know, that’s hard now) human being while you are being strict. Instead of “No, no, no,” try, “No, because it’s not safe/you’re not old enough/you’re being too immature about this/you’re attitude stinks.” She says, “Well, I’m going?” Response: “Yes, to your room. Your actions come with consequences. My rules are not unreasonable. I have very legitimate concerns about your safety, your maturity for such trips, and the wisdom of you doing this. If you break those rules, there are punishments.”</p>
<p>Your D will promptly throw a hissy fit. She’ll sulk. She’ll try to manipulate you. Don’t cave - better her angry at you than over her head in a strange city with a girl she met online. Once she sees that she isn’t getting anywhere, she’ll come around. Trust me on this one - be calm. No reaction is so much better than anger. Don’t change your stance, tone, or response - if you do, she’ll think she’s getting somewhere and will push harder. Don’t hold anything over her head - just calmy repeat that she is a child, both chronologically and mentally, that she will get more independence once she earns it, and that you have rules that she is expected to follow.</p>
<p>NSMom–The OP said the girls met online and it is a relationship, not a friendship.
What I don’t understand is, did the OP (the parent) meet this girl to see that she is in fact who the daughter claims she is? Seriously, what if this is a 50 year old pervert?</p>
<p>If it’s an on-line realtionship, then I find the situation even more frightening. Who knows what’s really going on? Even if the OP has met the alleged friend, that friend may not be a teen. There are plenty of perverted adults who look very young.</p>
<p>Why is the OP allowing her D to meet people in this kind of dangerous way?</p>
<p>You would not qualify as the most overprotective parent compared to me. I wouldn’t let my 15 year old daughter travel with a friend I knew to any city, good or bad, 1 1/2 hours away. Period. Heck, I wouldn’t let her go downtown to our city with just a friend. For that matter, I wouldn’t allow my 18 year old to do what your daughter is proposing and if she didn’t like it and went anyway while living under my support, then priveledges (car use, money, etc) would be taken away. If this were a friendship or relationship or whatever where you had met the other “minor” and the parent(s) and worked out a visit with the other parents, then we are looking at a different scenario. But if I were in your shoes, I’d be on the computer checking out this story without a moment’s hesitation. Your daughter is 15 and if she doesn’t want you to meet this friend and talk to the parents involved, then tough luck! It is so much harder to be a parent than a friend, but that is your number one job.</p>
<p>
I agree with all of Aries advice, and I especially encourage the OP to remember this part.</p>
<p>OTOH, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for someone to take a bus to another city–if the parents know she’s coming, if she’ll be met at the bus, if I know what bus she’s coming back on (and missing any of these three would mean the deal is off).</p>
<p>I have allowed my daughter to travel with a friend on the train when she was 15 to another state( about 170 miles) for a few days- However- it was to see her sister, who met her at the train.
I recently also allowed her when she turned 16 to take the train by herself to see her sister.
However- I obviously know where she was going and that she would be met ( we preferred the train over the bus- for a couple reasons-mainly that I am more comfortable with the conditions of the train station and its passengers than the bus)
If my daughter was in this situation I would make the trip with her at least once- meet the parents and friend and reassess before I made further decisions.</p>
<p>Just to give a teenage perspectve here. I’m mainly confused as to why the original post seemed to focus mainly on the transportation question and the “invisibility” of the “friend.” It seems to me that the first thing that would send up red-flags is the romantic relationship with someone she met online. </p>
<p>To be fair though, being teenage and gay can be hard, especially if one lives in a more conservative area and there are fewer people out of the closet. I’ve had friends who have tried to meet people online because they have no other way of meeting gay boys/girls. I wouldn’t be shocked if this was your daughter’s motivation.</p>
<p>As for the transportation thing. I’m sixteen and take public transportation all the time–long distances (two-three hours away) to visit friends my parents have never met… usually I’ll tell my parents before I get on the train. Usually.</p>
<p>I think the problem here is much less the TRAVEL, and much more the DESTINATION.</p>
<p>You have every reason not to let your 15 years old daughter to go visit a questionable friend/lover that she met on line (!!!) - let alone one who lives in a questionable city and has a questionable family dynamics…</p>
<p>I wouldn’t want my 15 year old walking to the corner coffee shop to meet up with a romantic interest she met on line!!!</p>