<p>
</p>
<p>I would agree with this TOTALLY. If one wants to record personal experiences for his own benefit, that can be done in a word doc. Also, the girl I referred to above (with the suicidal poetry) keeps not one, not two, not three, but FOUR online journals. IMHO, that is begging for public attention. ~b.</p>
<p>I’m saddened by what some of your responses imply. As a student, I go to school forty minutes from my home. I still call my parents every day. If I don’t have time to call, I send an e-mail or an instant message. If they call me, I’m happy to talk to them (unless I’m sleeping. But they’ve learned that already :))</p>
<p>It’s not that I need my mommy or must have constant contact for emotional stability. I’m actually interested about what’s going on in my parents’ lives as well and what is happening at home. To me, not having my parents on my buddy list is ludicrous. I’m not a puppy that’s been let off the leash and runs away. And my parents don’t ever bug me about being aloof because they don’t have the need to. Nor would they.</p>
<p>My parents certainly tell me their opinions about some of my choices, I’m sure all three of us can be secure that I’m not ever going to remain indifferent towards them and that just because I no longer live at home does not mean I stop being their daughter or that I am no longer responsible for keeping in touch with them.</p>
<p>I sure hope I can be friends with my parents as an adult, but I consider myself already well on the way. One does not have to take the place of the other. We don’t just discuss “what I am up to” or give a list of “such-and-such and such-and-such, okay, send me money, goodbye”. We can talk about a myriad of national and international issues. I have questions they can answer. They have questions I can answer. When I need help, I can always ask them because they’re still my parents. Naturally, if there is something I want to keep private, then I keep it private. It doesn’t have to be an ordeal. </p>
<p>Part of learning to be an adult is not shunning your family and thinking you’re all that because you’re on your own, but learning to understand them on a human and personal (rather than simply authoritative) level. When you are old enough to make your own decisions, presumably you should appreciate the people that raised to make hopefully intelligent ones. If you haven’t been raised to make good decisions, then that becomes now your problem rather than your parents’, as it was before.</p>
<p>In fact, I am finding that as I grow older my relationship with my parents becomes quite improved, in addition to more complex, as I come to terms with my own changes.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>What an absolutely lovely young adult you must be tufta! Your parents are very lucky people and have obviously done something very right. I think this is the direction in which we are headed with our kids…I’ve seen this in my oldest son, who is the only one out of the home as of now. I hope that we continue along this path! ~berurah</p>
<p>tufta08- Can I adopt you? Please, please???</p>
<p>Haha! I was as a young child (and probably still am) more of a ‘bundle of joy’ (i.e., quite a handle) than I let on. But I am honest about improving my relationship with my parents, especially in the recent couple of years.</p>
<p>tufta you must have awesome parents, and they are very lucky to have you. </p>
<p>I am with you, berurah, this is the hope I have for my relatinship with my kids. The # of calls per day can vary, what is kept private vs what is shared can vary. </p>
<p>But mutual love, interest, enjoyment, and respect is what keeps a family close.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>SB~</p>
<p>ITA!!! My relationships with my children vary by individual child. My oldest son and I share tons of intellectual/philosophical conversations. I dish with my daughters ;), and I learn all about Tak 2 from my 7-year-old, though he is certainly is possession of some amazing “wisdom” that keeps me rolling. My twelve-year-old calls me at Wal-Mart if Michigan is playing and they’ve just scored a touchdown <em>lol</em>. My relationships with each of my children have evolved and continue to evolve over time–I <strong><em>love</em></strong> the cool people that they are and that they are constantly in the process of becoming!</p>
<p>~berurah</p>
<p>I raised my kids to be independent, at early ages I let them make decisions and then waited like a safety net to catch them when they needed help. As a middle school teacher I know that there are lots of potential problems out their for kids and setting rules early in life so that they are incorporated into the childs individual approach is neccessary. I have never listened into my kids phone calls or read their mail, both are on their way to being very healthy adults. I have had secrets from my parents ( and my children) I am not concerned if they have secrets from me. Not all secrets are bad.</p>
<p>My kids know that if they want my help I will be there, and their judgement is very mature. I am blessed.</p>
<p>Thanks everyone for all the posts. And, thanks to everyone who checked on us after Katrina. We are doing ok, but have many friends who have lost everything. It’s been unbelievable. Thank God for all the caring people who have helped our area. Much help will be needed in the days and weeks to come.
With Katrina, I have been thankful at times not to have to “worry” about my S off at college. We initiate a call (or text message, as the phones are still iffy here) about 1x a week just to be sure he’s alive. At times, though, I miss hearing from him and have wondered if we were unusual in that our S did not call very often and we have to initiate the calls. It is reassuring to read your posts. We will go through occasional spurts of more frequent IMing and posts, but he basically does his thing 3 states away and enjoys his freedom.
As to reading the LJs - I wonder sometimes if the students realize who all is reading them! They must be crazy to put their sex lives, etc. up on the web for the world to see. I’ve known of some of these same kids to get upset when word got back to their parents about their posts. Microsoft Word is the place for a diary, not the WWW.</p>
<p>I am glad you are safe Tabby</p>
<p>I have to say- that I am not apolegetic at all for reading public live journals. anyone can read them- and the kids know I read them. In fact I have even said something to one of her friends on her soccer team when I saw that she was portraying herself as being 18 ( she was 14- but couldhave passed for older)- I reminded her that it wasn’t just “older” boys who were looking at her journal- and advised her to restrict her personal information- I don’t think she had really thought about how long the info stays out there-.
I also found a very disturbing note- while going through my daughters recycling. I wasn’t looking for anything in particular- but she had dumped all her school papers from the last semester ( mostly that I hadn’t seen) and I was looking for something that might be worth hanging onto. I found a suicide note- indicating that she had means and a plan. I had no idea that she was feeling that upset although she had been very moodly. I immediately got her in to see a therapist, something that I would not have done so soon. Incidentally she denied writing the letter, even though it was in her handwriting . She is now seeing a dr regularly and on medication and seems to be quite a bit happier :)</p>
<p>Tabby~</p>
<p>I am also very glad to hear that you are safe after Katrina!! I was sorry, though, to hear about your friends that lost everything. I can’t even imagine…</p>
<p>
emeraldkity~</p>
<p>Same here. In fact my daughter called me over to read something interesting that she found last night. The post said, “Funyons [sic] are Jewish”
The word “Jewish” is used here where we live (as unfortunately the only Jews :() to denote “bad” or “rank” or “yucky”.
Another girl remarked on the same post that she had heard someone (who unfortunately my son went all the way through school with) say, “I wish I were Jewish so that I could make fun of myself.”<br>
Yeah, I’m glad I know about this stuff…hugely disappointed, but glad to know what some people REALLY think. <em>sigh</em> </p>
<p>At any rate, I’m so glad that you found the letter and sought help for your daughter! I hope she continues to improve! fondly, ~berurah</p>
<p>~berurah</p>
<p>Dear emeraldkity:
It is so important that we all react when we hear suicidal gestures or ideation even though it is easier to ignore it. Thanks for sharing that you took action and did not let your D stay isolated with those ideas, even if they were fleeting. It is pretty common to minimize and ignore instead. I have had this chat with our son, and also asked him to report suicidal talk from friends…just as I hope he calls 911 if he sees a friend passed out after drinking. (Amazing how many of the alcohol poisonings each year would have been non lethal if peers would call rescue squads and not worry about “getting in trouble.”)
Our family held a private memorial service for my step sister twenty years after her college suicide…those left behind are not over it yet, so it was really meant to be a service for her parents. It is so likely that had she been tended to with a counselor or today’s meds, she would have gotten through that bump in the road. But there was isolation and silence when she was not thinking straight. Everyone experiences depressive thinking at times but you can help an almost adult realize that this too will pass and that life holds much promise beyond the problem of the day. Everyone has seen the PET scans of boys before age 22…still in development, less impulse control…so these young people are not fully formed and need us to keep things in the open for them.</p>
<p>Jews do have a long and storied tradition of making fun of themselves. I’m thinking of Phil Silver, Henny Youngman, Rodney Dangerfield up to Jerry Seinfeld, Larry David, Sacha Baron Cohen…</p>
<p>Too bad this may not be how she meant it.</p>
<p>Good point SB mom! ha
and right now my family is mainlining Larry David’s new season. he is our family’s Picasso of satire</p>
<p>Berurah, for some humans, ignorance is truly bliss. warped thinking rejected in the marketplace of ideas…in classrooms and public forums, still appears on the internet. Gotta make you wonder what those girls hear at home. what a world.</p>
<p>
Sadly, this quote was taken from a boy who would not have had the savvy to know that…~b.</p>
<p>I am also a bit stunned and taken aback by some of these posts. As parents, my wife and I have always had a very close relationship with both of our children. Weve discussedand debatedmany things both private and public, matters of taste and truth, feelings and behavior: We have a blast together. </p>
<p>The OPs question itself is a loaded one; by definition, kids are not well served by parents knowing TOO much. However, I am unaware of my children keeping secrets from me as it is in the nature of secrets that I wouldnt know. On the other hand, I am sure there are things they just havent mentioned for numerous reasons, most of them, I assume, are likely to be mundane and not meriting revelation or discussion, some being simply things they felt it was better to work through themselvesthough I doubt it had much to do with keeping things from us.
.
Our daughter is a gregarious, VERY active freshman in college
she calls everyday just to see how were doingand more importantly, how her younger brother is doing and simply to talk to him
he looks forward to every call, every dayand to talk about what she is doing, along with important and often funny emails. </p>
<p>To me tufta is right on children are not puppy dogs in need of being let off a leash and it seems demeaning to assume so, or to behave as if they are; but then, it may also be a matter of how you parental relationship with them has developed over many years, not simply the year they left for collegeand it is probably true that there is a significant difference between boys and girls in this regard.</p>
<p>They may also believe you are not interested or they may simply not like your kind of interest.</p>
<p>I am sorry for your families loss faline.
My immediate family has never really dealt with my fathers suicide- my sister is in complete denial that it was suicide- my brother is more of a “hail fellow well met type” who doesn’t talk about anything uncomfortable, and my mother has admitted that she didnt call for help for hours because she wanted to punish him :(</p>
<p>When I found my daughters note- my husband didn’t think it was anything- and that I was making too much of it- of course he was raised by alcoholics and if there was a volkswagen on fire in the living room, they would find a way to make an excuse for it.
Much behavior that I saw growing up- seemed to be waiting for an adult to intervene, but many adults I knew were wrapped up with their own lives, and assumed that the kids would grow up OK.
Most did eventually, but some never got the chance, whether from drug/alcohol related accidents, or from events that could only be viewed as suicidal
Kids are so impulsive, and they have so much pushing and pulling at them, that it is understandable that they want it to stop at times, but they need help seeing the big picture- and even if they confide in friends, friends dont always know what to do , or make good judgements.
Thankfully, my daughters friends still use adults as resources.
Shortly after I found my daughters note- I had a call from her school counselor saying that her friends had an intervention for her( with the counselor)- becuase they were concerned,
and last year even though they don’t attend that school anymore, three of them went back to meet with the counselor and had another intervention on behalf of a friend who they were concerned about.</p>
<p>I understand that everyone needs their privacy- but when even the most popular happy seeming kids commit suicide, I would rather be safe than sorry- they have their private blogs- I am not on facebook or even ask about it-I didn’t read my daughters college applications, I don’t read their letters. but I do email their friends when I am concerned about my daughters or their friends, and I try and be somebody that will make themselves available.
I don’t want to be their friend, but it is hard being a parent, and knowing when to inquire more- and I remember growing up wishing that my parents would have inquired more, because I would almost be at a place where I could have talked to them, and then they turned away. I just try and let her friends know, that I am not easily shockable, but that if they are in danger I will tell their parents. So far they seem to have kept themselves out of risky situations, and I give them many points for that- but it is always in the back of my mind- the monster in the closet.</p>
<p>EK I am with you. Mothers have an instinct, when to pry and when to back off. Erring on the side of prying may irritate the kid, but erring on the side of backing off may have even worse consequences.</p>
<p>Faline, Mainlining is right!! Actually, it is my methadone maintenance after being forced to withdraw from The Larry Sanders Show (IMO the funniest show ever on t.v.-- period.) If you have not watched Sacha Baron Cohen (Da Ali G Show) I highly recommend it. It is hilarious!!!</p>
<p>if there was a volkswagen on fire in the living room, they would find a way to make an excuse for it.</p>
<p>I know just what you mean about the above image for alcoholic families…they have no sense of normal boundaries and under-react…I was not part of the family when my stepsister committed suicide but she had a parent and a grandparent who were alcoholics when this happened, and the alcoholic grandparent had just commited suicide…which is another Red Flag for vulnerable relatives—suicides can beget suicides. Her fragile emotional state as a young adult was ignored and neglected and minimized because the people drinking were always the focal point. 20 years later, my stepfather still deals with deep regrets.<br>
Talking frankly about incidents of suicide is important in a family, just as despite what Tom Cruise says…it is important to understand some people are more vulnerable to negative thinking. All of this can be addressed very well in counseling and use of meds can be short term. Depression is so very treatable. And we tend to forget that being 20 can be very hard before a sense of self and identity is forged.<br>
well…lucky you that your D left around something to be found and also has a great group of gal pals who care about making sure she is not a teen year casualty. Life is long and rich and challenging…but this message is not always understood by in-betweens…I hope your D is having some joyful experiences at college and getting the longer picture of her future…</p>
<p>SB Mom… I will hunt up this Ms. Sacha Cohen if you think she is also going to give me anywhere near the zany commentary and fun that Larry David delivers each week.</p>