I’ve found this conversation fascinating since it started. I’ve thought of a reply a handful of times, but never jumped into conversation before now. I’m glad to see parents of males (which I am) sharing their perspective. My college S has found dating in high school and college difficult. Girls routinely blast guys that “slide in their DM’s” as thirsty or desperate. He routinely has seen screenshots of a guy trying to approach a young lady making their rounds on social media. I’m assuming due to previous experiences he may be shy to approach a young lady he was interested in, so I’m betting the brave female who approaches him will stand a good chance. I believe that’s how he got his HS girlfriend, she approached him. They dated for over a year.
I also asked him to wait until 29-30. I hope I’m as successful as @momofthreeboys
I think it’s interesting that several of you are strongly suggesting your sons not get married until around 30ish. Would you say the same to daughters?
My spouse and I were married much younger. It’s all worked out thus far. Honestly, I sometimes think it is better when people aren’t set in their ways yet and also to have some time together as young married folk before jumping into having and raising kids. I think the best time is whenever you meet the right person and are committed, not because some clock is ticking or the “time seems right”.
@doschicos - I only have a son, but I would certainly give same advice. I have not forbidden him, but it is thrown right in there with the other advice and words or wisdom I have given as he grew up and still give. I would not disown him or be upset should he make a different choice.
I don’t care how old my children are when they marry - they’re both over 21 so I would have no say anyway, I just don’t want either of them thinking marriage is the goal, not the quality of the spouse.
I’ll be curious how it pans out with my son. He really wants a girlfriend now, he’s moving in a month and starting his first job. He’ll have his own place, a good job, a college degree. And he’s so sweet and funny. He’s also 6 ft tall and blonde and I think cute as anything. But I know the killer career women are not for him - he really wants a nice sweet girl.
I wouldn’t be surprised if my older cousins are giving that very advice to their Ds considering their own marriage experiences. Especially the cousins who made the mistake of marrying too early before being ready or finding the first spouse in her early 20s to reveal himself to be a flaming jerk.
Both ended up remarrying…one in her mid-late 30s and the other in his 50s. Both now have children…the former in fact has 3 one of whom is nearly old enough to head off to college in a year or two.
DH and I met in college at 19. It was love at first sight. We feel we’ve grown up together and have shared a type of baggage we couldn’t have accumulated if we’d met or married later in life. Our son has told us many times that he wants what we have and will keep looking until he finds it. DH has told him many times to follow Jimmy Buffet’s advice and find a “smart woman in a real short skirt.” Sigh. I try to find that charming…
“I think it’s interesting that several of you are strongly suggesting your sons not get married until around 30ish. Would you say the same to daughters?”
To be honest, no. Like it or not, the female biological clock runs out way sooner than male’s. 30 cuts too close for comfort. Motherhood is by far the single most rewarding experience I’ve ever had. I want that for my dds. So my real goal for my dds would be to have kids. It would be wonderful – really really wonderful – if the dad sticks around. But if not, I’ve raised my dds to be able to provide for their kids.
“Girls routinely blast guys that “slide in their DM’s” as thirsty or desperate. He routinely has seen screenshots of a guy trying to approach a young lady making their rounds on social media.”
@IfYouOnlyKnew That is true. DD1 has shown me once, a friend of hers did that. I don’t know if DD1 did it too (she denied it of course), but I took the opportunity to give her a serious talk about that kind of behavior. This is really really bad behavior that I am sure, if moms of girls knew, would be appalled and would talk to their dds. But unfortunately most moms just don’t know.
It means sending someone a direct (nonpublic) message via twitter for the first time, as a way of flirting/starting a conversation. Ideally, it is done smoothly, so it feels natural and comfortable, and the recipient wants to respond, and a few exchanges later might turn into coffee or a date. Most instances apparently are less than ideal.
@doschicos I agree that it might be beneficial to meet early in ones age and grow together with a partner. I feel if you end up graduating college, getting a job, moving out and living on your own for a while, then you begin to develop habits and thoughts that one could consider “stuck in your ways”. Meeting young allows you to grow with that person and form mutual outlooks on life that create a lasting bond. Nothing is guaranteed in life but I think there is something to be said about starting a relationship early.
“Girls routinely blast guys that “slide in their DM’s” as thirsty or desperate”.
Wow. I find that very sad. So if a boy wants to contact a girl directly then he is desperate? Can a boy no longer walk up to a girl and say hello to her - and only her in a private way? Why would it be different on social media? I thought that is how kids talked. They sent a text to a girl to say hello. I would not do well in the dating scene anymore. I guess I am very old fashioned where I think relationships begin with “hello…I’m XXXXXX”.
Having babies between 30 and 40 is not unusual. Many of us did that. I wasn’t even out of grad school until mid-twenties – and my taste in men certainly changed during my twenties. No way was I ready to jump into motherhood! And yes I happen to think guys change a lot between 21 and 30…a lot. The differences I have seen in my boys including my H between 21 and 30 have been as huge as between 8 and 18.
@MassDaD68 The phrase “sliding in their DMs” has a certain implication, so unfortunately it would be less “hello I’m XX” and more “hello I’m XX wanna hook up” or “hello I’m XX here’s a photo of my privates.”
There’s a blog, the name of which I can’t quite remember (“Straight Boys Texting” or something like that), which has a lot of examples of how many young men speak to women online or over text. I sincerely doubt they’d ever speak that way in person, but there’s something about not being face-to-face that destroys inhibitions.
In my miserable adventures in online dating I’d say that all but a handful of the many, many messages and conversations I had ended up resembling something on that blog.
They usually don't know each other and have never interacted.
Nobody is on Twitter or Instagram for the purpose of getting hit on.
The messages can often be stupid or offensive pickup lines, or the interaction can turn negative when the girl says no. I've seen many screenshots of someone turning on a dime when rejected -- "that's okay, you're ugly anyway lol." Just one of those interactions might make the girl wary of future ones.
One polite but unwanted message might be tolerated. But if you get many, and many of those turn out to be jerks, you might start to dismiss all messages of that type as something you don't want to deal with.
