Are my daughter and her friends all destined to be librarians with cats?

Parent Cafe
41

my D is the opposite. had her first “BF” in middle school . I guess if you call texting a boy and sending something on valentines day. SHe has been dating her current BF for 1 1/2 years, but they know they will have to end it as they go different ways and will try to change over to friends. But my D doesnt really have any close female friends in general. Most of her just friends are also Male. So she tends to friend them, and then sometimes they turn into relationships. I wish she would get along with girls better and have that close friendship bond with some. We are hoping that happens this fall. I do see her as being a little sister at a fraternity rather than joining a sorority. Now my S19. I will be lucky if he ever finds a girl in his lifetime!!! I know he is only becoming a HS Junior but has Zero social and Hygiene skills. I will know he has interest when he starts to care about what he wears, and grooming himself.
BTW D does have acquaintances and friends that have never had a BF or date. they are cute, smart, and lots of personality. Just more comfortable not dating.

and on that cat thing… I am considered the crazy cat lady, Have 2 permanent ones and many fosters.

42

@ignatius , haha, that is awesome!!! Congratulations to your daughter!

And I am a crazy cat lady. I only have two, but would have more if it weren’t for my cruel husband.

Sounds like there is hope for my daughter (and her friends) after all. But I might still try to set her up with someone if she is at all receptive.

43

No no no no don’t go there. There will be land mines and misinterpretations everywhere.

44

IMO, there is WAY too much pressure in this country to be in a “relationship” by the time a kid is 10.

Movies, TV shows, neighbors, friends, even kids fiction “sell” the idea single mindedly, gleefully.

Normal=being in “love”.
“Only a loser has no GF or BF age 10 onwards”. They usually caricature such kids harshly.

Bringing an unrelated topic into this discussion…It’s like the opinion I read on the Penn State fraternity.

“Oh its normal for 18 year olds to drink alcohol at frat parties. It’s all part of “growing up” “its healthy to experience heartbreak” “its healthy to experience overdose”
“you haven’t lived if you haven’t had a “xyz” experience” “Rites of passage”. “Oh its OK to smoke pot at 17, there is too much stress in college”.
“Oh! parents should let teens be teens reckless sex drugs and alcohol are all part of “growing up”.

None of it is true.

Your daughter will be fine.

Many cultures follow the practice of arranged marriages. There is nothing disgusting about it. Such marriages/relationships last longer too.
Its better than experiencing a dozen heart breaks in order to find the “one”.

My child is 18 and all his friends are around the same age, freshman or high school seniors. None of them have any GFs. He is happy, active, healthy and fun to be with.

You shouldnt worry one bit

45

I read the title and thought “the son could like a cat”. I’m of the thought when time is right it will happen. I would like a grand puppy.

46

Our D and S are not good with pets–allergies. Hopefully they will live happy pet-free lives, with or without significant others. I am glad that both seem pretty content with their lives currently and believe they will find partners when the time is right for them, NOT on my schedule. H and I married when we were older as well. I was nearly 29 and H was significantly older when we married. His folks had pretty much figured he’d never married. We’ve been very happily married now for almost 31 years. I dated and had serious long term BFs from HS onwards, so we figure the kids are following H’s path rather than mine.

47

“its healthy to experience overdose”

haha. Please point out to me where ANYONE has said this on CC.

“Many cultures follow the practice of arranged marriages. There is nothing disgusting about it. Such marriages/relationships last longer too.
Its better than experiencing a dozen heart breaks in order to find the “one”.”

If arranged marriages last longer it is for cultural differences that go along with the arranged marriage. One can’t jump to the conclusion that they are necessarily better. It’s not that black and white.

48

Don’t worry, I have no desire to see her get married anytime soon. In fact, I guarantee that when she meets Mr. Right, I will be the last person to know. She will probably casually mention that she got married already, and she hopes I didn’t mind. Info from her is divulged on a need-to-know basis.

49

10? Purposefully inflammatory or just an exaggeration?

As for the cats, my wife is allergic and we told the kids that getting a cat would be a sign they are asking to be disinherited.

50

Message here is if you want your daughter to have boyfriends then send her to a STEM school with high boy/girl ratio.:slight_smile:

51

@Magnetron - Boy, do I hear this! This describes my S11 perfectly. Fortunately for him, he met a girl during his junior year in college who was up for a challenge. He was and is still a “project”. They complement each other in many ways but she sure had her work cut out for her. We adore her. I know there is a smart, capable girl out there who will be happy to take on your son as well… ;:wink:

52

Our friend’s D went into engineering, but didn’t date or have time to date until she was interning after her 1st or 2nd year of college. She met her BF (from another U) while interning at Cisco. They’re still together some years later. Our S seems to be dating more than D, even though she has far more social skills than most folks. Maybe once she gets better treatment for her chronic illness she will have more time to devote to romantic relationships and consider having them.

53

@Magnetron , sorry, you are disinherited. Love me, love my cats.

54

I highly recommend Rebecca Traister’s book, All the Single Ladies. All the statistics show that people are marrying much, much later – especially college-educated people. This book explains and discusses this phenomenon.

My daughter had no boyfriends in high school and college. I know she dated a little in college, but nothing serious (as in, more than once or twice). When she was 23, she (finally) had a boyfriend – for about 2 months. So if you think you’re worried about your 19 year old, imagine if nothing changes for another four years!!

I was worried (there’s a thread from about four years ago on this very topic, btw, where this was discussed). It wasn’t that I wanted her to get married, I think it’s healthy to have romantic relationships. And I wanted her to hear “I love you” from someone other than her mother. Most of my friends told me I was worrying over nothing – but of course, their children all had partners!!

When she went to grad school in NYC she told me that I better not expect her to have a boyfriend, because “nobody has relationships in NYC.” I rolled my eyes – I read the NY Times wedding announcements, plenty of New Yorkers get married. Sure enough, six months later she met someone, and a year and a half later they are still together.

There are most definitely people who date and have serious relationships while they are in college, and there are also plenty who don’t. By the time I was 28, I’d gone to dozens of weddings – my daughter is 28 and has gone to just a handful.

Another difference – when we were in our late 20s, a relationship that lasted more than one year either led to marriage or a breakup (usually). Not now. I think that happens in their mid-30s.

So, a 19-year-old with no boyfriends? – I think a low-level of concern is appropriate, but I wouldn’t lose sleep.

55

@fireandrain , a balm for the soul. Okay, I will try not to worry too much. And she is still 18. Maybe I will worry a notch more when she hits 20. She goes to a college that is nearly half male. But it seems that half those guys are the lacrosse team, and never the twain shall meet, as far as she is concerned.

56

My kids and nieces and nephews are in their 20s. Only a few have had any serious partners for any length of time. They are all smart and attractive and funny. I will start getting a bit more concerned once they reach age 30 and still have not had any serious romances.

57

I haven’t read all of the posts, but I have a similar son to offer to all the females who seem to be waiting :slight_smile:
He’s a great young man, good looking, speaks well, is very polite, etc.-even has a nice car, but he hasn’t dated except maybe briefly in HS. I have another son who would have been voted least likely to date in college, went to a school with less than 30% females, and he’s had multiple “serious” (months long) relationships. You just never know…

58

@oldfort not so sure that’s the solution either lol. Let me introduce my son, to my knowledge has not had a relationship in college. He’s going into his last semester at a large tech U that’s ~60-40 male. Nice school, lots to do, kids love going there but not a ton of dating going on. He’s in a frat and not wild about dating the women there -too many seem high maintenance and dramatic - big turn off. (sorry for the gross generalization but hear the same thing from his friends). I think the guys definitely respect women but aren’t ready to put them up on pedestals. Please - no disrespect intended. Very few guys have had relationships and most of the time take female friends to frat formals. He is getting much better at having some good female friends - virtually all of which he has met in his engineering classes. Hoping when he graduates he finds a good apartment complex that gives him good opportunities to meet people.

But I didn’t get married until 29 and it’s worked out fine. And now I’m starting to know how my parent felt, waiting/hoping I would find someone to love that fit me well.

59

My oldest just graduated from college. No boyfriend in sight. And no cats but she has a lizard.

She was in a rather stressful program and I don’t know if she could have balanced a love life before. But now I think she’s starting to wonder if she will ever find someone where there will be mutual interest.

60

@lindagaf I’m reading your posts and you are describing my college roommate. Like, they sound eerily similar.

After college, my roommate moved across the country and now has a phenomenal boyfriend. We’re a few years out of college now… I think she started dating him last year and we graduated in 2013.

Another one of our good friends (he stood up in our wedding) was an engineering major and probably the most awkward individual I’ve ever met. He met a girl as awkward as him in his sophomore or junior year (she didn’t go to our college- he met her through a friend in his home town). They’ve now been together for about 5 years and he’s going to propose any time.

On the other topic, as @doschicos said, don’t mistake low divorce rates for happy marriages. It’s like when people point to the low divorce rates in the 1950s and say “SEE! They worked it out. This generation just doesn’t try hard enough” or whatever. Well, duh the divorce rates were lower- divorce was mostly illegal!

I’m sure arranged marriages work for some people, but personally I’m glad I got to date around and figure out what kind of life partner I wanted. Mr R just got lucky and got it on the first try :slight_smile: (and I am absolutely the polar opposite of what his parents would’ve chosen for him).