@JHS my D and her college friends, also boyfriendless, created Tinder profiles for a day. She said she got about a hundred likes, or however it works on Tinder. None of the girls followed up, because I guess they decided Tinder guys are weird, and they deleted their profiles after a day. So I think you are on to something.
Back in the day, I tried a brief stint with a singles ad in a city magazine. Oh man, it was soooooo fun! But only fun seeing what came in the mail. I did meet one guy, and we went to dinner. He was wearing white socks, which is a crime. There are some serious nuts out there, so I guess my D can take her time about it and maybe do it the old-fashioned way with match. Com, when she’s ready.
@lvvcsf That seems to be the motto at all of the engineering schools!
My D, a rising senior, is (in my unbiased opinion ) beautiful, smart, and sweet. No boy has ever asked her out, and D jokes that the most intimacy she’s had with a guy is an awkward side hug, although I know through the Mom grapevine that at least two boys have been crazy in love with her for years.
My mom friend asked her son, who is close friends with my D, why boys don’t ask her out. He says boys are intimidated by her, as she’s very serious about school, good at her sport, and focused on her future. I know this isn’t a bad thing, but I still wish any one of her awesome guy friends would get up the nerve to take her hand and walk with her out of the friend zone. I’m sure it will happen someday. D doesn’t seem to be in any hurry.
Highly academic kids seem to get into relationships later than many other kids do. I’m not sure why. But the pattern was obvious at my daughter’s IB program, where relationships were rare until senior year.
But those who are interested get around to it sometime.
My late-starting daughter has now been in a relationship for almost 5 years and will be getting married in a few months (at the age of 28). My son, who was less academic and did have a serious relationship in high school, is still single at 31 and seems inclined to stay that way. Go figure.
I think with few exceptions gone are the days where women went to college looking for a husband or the infamous MRS degree as some would joke. When I was in college men were still the majority on most campuses and men competed for the limited number of women rather than the other way around.
The opportunities afforded women are greater than they were nearly 40 years ago as well. The necessity of having a husband to be financially secure is not as important as it once was. I think all of this can conspire to delay marriage (although I still think it is important to most people) and even dating and serious relationships. I also believe this generation is adapting to this reality and they view things differently than we might have. I think it affects where they choose to live. Unattached people want to live in cities where socializing is easy and there will be more people their own age, attached people who might consider starting families are more apt to live where things are safer such as suburbs.
Although it has been nearly 40 years it doesn’t seem all that long ago that I was in college and courting women. I watch with a combination of fascination and terror as my 2 Ds enter a phase in their lives which found me married just a few years hence.
My son is pretty academic, and he has been girlfriended more of the time than not since he was 11. The girlfriends were all very academic, too. It was something of an advantage that, thanks to his mother and his sister, both of whom can be very intimidating, he was more or less immune to being intimidated by smart, demanding, competitive women, as long as they were willing to be a little nice to him.
One thing I learned, though, by watching my kids and their friends, and then reflecting back on my own experience, is that the girls have to do all the work. Maybe – maybe – by the time they get out of college and are in their mid-20s, some men may be capable of taking the initiative in starting a relationship, but before that, and most of the time after it, relationships happen because the women make them happen. Not that the woman always gets what she wants, but she doesn’t have a chance if she is not beating the guy with a club and dragging him back to her cave.
The notion that some guy will come along and awaken Sleeping Beauty – or drag her out of the friend zone – with the Kiss of True Love is, well, a fairy tale. Cinderella is the more practical story. She’s going to have to move heaven and earth to get to whatever ball he’s likely to be at, on his turf, of course, intoxicate him with a perfect cocktail of utter availability spritzed with mystique, and give him a foolproof roadmap and password for finding her. And when/if he responds, make sure he knows he’s the bravest, most manly prince who ever fought through adversity to get the girl.
@JHS Just had an extended family dinner/celebration in the past week. A conversation among nieces/nephews in their early to mid 20s provided anecdotal evidence supporting your comments above. Both a niece and nephew are in new relationships in the past year and in both relationships it was the female that initiated things and pursued the male.
Some hope for all you moms of very single daughters who are holding out hope for sons-in-law/grandchildren…
My daughter (rising college Sr) never had a single date in high school or first two years of college. (I think she had a prom date, but that was very obviously platonic and they went in a group.) Furthermore, never expressed interest in any specific guy nor had anyone express interest in her. I think she may have been a teensy, tiny bit hurt by this… not anything serious, just wondering why no one was asking her out when her friends were getting asked out left and right. She’s pretty awesome imo… very, very smart, genuine, loyal, humble, always has something interesting to add to the conversation. A little shy and doesn’t have a flirtatious bone in her body. But she took it in stride and focused energy on school and friendships.
She had pretty much become resigned to singleness for the rest of college (it’s a small school with about 65% girls) when, lo and behold, one of her good friends wanted to start dating at the beginning of Jr year. Really quality guy… very outgoing and charming and energetic, her opposite in many ways. He had apparently had his eye on her for quite some time but didn’t know if the feeling was mutual, plus he had been away at a study abroad and didn’t want to start dating then. They’ve been together almost a year and are wonderful for each other. H and I love him.
All this to say… don’t worry about it. Really. Everything has its own time. Encourage your Ds (and Ss!) to invest deeply in all their relationships and learn how to be good friends with many people. Once romance starts, it can sometimes limit the amount of time you invest in getting to know new friends.
My kid has also just finished his first year with a good friend group but no serious GF. I’d probably be more concerned if he was in a committed relationship right now since a bad break-up can seriously derail a semester (or more) at college. He’s happy…that’s all I care about.
@Lindagaf - if DS is still single as grad school is ending, I’ll be in touch. My plan is to start seriously worrying about this stuff as he enters his last term in grad school. A nice girl who went to a good LAC, and who likes cats, meets most of my criteria for DIL material.
So my D called me yesterday. She’s 27 and of course I think she’s awesome. Great paying job, funny, engaging, very pretty and a part time fitness instructor. A year ago she broke off a 5 year relationship and is finding dating…very challenging.
She calls me yesterday saying she’s thinking of deleting her bumble account. It’s a lot of work sifting through and communicating with men and then meeting them or not meeting them. She’s busy with her full time job and juggling her part time job and social life.
Mom, I think I’m going to be a spinster who’s allergic to cats. :))
My daughter, at a large public flagship (in other words, LOTS of students) wanted to know why the boy you like and the boy who likes you are never the same person!
If you were courting, it was either a long time ago or your last name is Duggar.
Ha! I dated throughout HS and college. I wasn’t shy, loved meeting new people, finding out more about them, their lives, and what made them tick, but some girls would interpret that as flirting when I was just being me. When they were similarly friendly, I never assumed they were flirting because that wasn’t flirting to me. I sometimes had to practically be hit over the head with a hammer before I realized they were interested. I wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed in that department.
I understand the prevailing wisdom is to say don’t worry about it and it will all work out. Well, I know a lot of women for whom it didn’t work out. Usually smart successful women who found their options severely curtailed by age 35. I also know far too many people who had to suffer thru too much to start a family. I married late and had children later and thus can’t complain but my advice to my own daughters is to focus on the issue earlier.
Does anyone recall the ruckus a Princeton female grad made a few years ago with her views on finding a husband? Her theory is that you will never be surrounded by as many high quality potential mates with similar interests and goals, then you will be in college, so use your time there wisely.
She argued for finding the husband in college and she was slammed for that pov.
There’s a big big difference between meeting your future mate in college and marrying him/her then. My parents met in college, parted ways after graduation, and then got back together and married 6 or 8 years later.
) beautiful, smart, and sweet. No boy has ever asked her out, and D jokes that the most intimacy she’s had with a guy is an awkward side hug, although I know through the Mom grapevine that at least two boys have been crazy in love with her for years.