Are Parents Pushing Too Hard?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>In my thirty years as a college counselor (now retired), I saw a variety of parenting styles in the college selection and admission processes. Over that period of time, the number of parents wanting their child to get into an “elite” college seemed to grow with each passing year. By the time I retired, it was clearly the worst I had ever seen it.</p>

<p>In many instances, it seemed as though the parents wanted the “elite” college more than their children, often pressuring their children to excel. I recall instances where parents would cry when their children would be denied admission by certain colleges, yet the student him/herself would be much more accepting of it. Sometimes, it almost seemed as though the student was relieved that he/she was denied by the “elite” colleges.</p>

<p>In your communities and schools, are you seeing this phenomenon whereby the parent seems to want an “elite” college more than the student? If so, why do you think that it has gotten to this point, especially when students are becoming anxious and stressed out over it.</p>

<p>Thanks for your input.</p>

2

<p>I haven’t seen this much, but then again, I attend a relatively small, not too competitive high school where most students (it seems) go on to public, in state schools and the like. Parents want what’s best for their children and often (it seems) feel like they know what’s better for the child more than the child does (because they’re older, have experienced stuff already, etc.), and often they also want the children to be able to have opportunities that they didn’t have; so they think that they’re doing what is best for the child, even if the child might be happier at a slightly less selective of less well known college, even if the academics, etc. there are still very good.</p>

3

<p>In my community, a small city in Tennessee that is pretty much the opposite of competitive, not at all. i realize that the baby boomer “helicopter parents” are present in other areas, but not here. Here, no one expects anything of you. They consider you lucky if you get into UT.</p>

4

<p>My parents pressure me to get straight A’s and to get into an ivy league when its time for me to go to college. Its too much work. They just don’t want me to work hard like they are and to have a successful job. But they don’t understand how stressful it is.</p>

5

<p>“In my community, a small city in Tennessee that is pretty much the opposite of competitive, not at all. i realize that the baby boomer “helicopter parents” are present in other areas, but not here. Here, no one expects anything of you. They consider you lucky if you get into UT.”</p>

<p>I swear, we must live in the same town. </p>

<p>I’m fairly sure that in urban areas with many private schools (or at least Knoxville and Chattanooga) there is more pressure and competition. </p>

<p>As for my parents, they don’t care as long as I do my personal best and am happy. My main goal is to get out of TN.</p>

6

<p>I live in a pretty big area in Arizona…pretty competitive, but it seems that there isn’t much elitism here (which is funny if you knew where I lived) regarding colleges. Most people go to ASU, UofA, or NAU, the parents seem pretty laid back, except for some obviously. Probably 90% of my public school (600 students) is staying in-state with about 40% of the total students being pretty competitive. </p>

<p>I really think it depends on the area. The NE would seem to have a lot of that, because of the proximity and amount of college choices. Around here, it’s either you get a decent education (sometimes amazing) for a great bargain, or pay outrageous prices elsewhere.</p>

7

<p>I put the pressure on myself.</p>

<p>My parents don’t let me get (really) lazy, but they are full supporters of local schools and all of that, my hopes for ‘premier’ colleges are a foreign language to them.</p>

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<p>old but wise, can you characterize the sort of school you counseled at?</p>

<p>I get the feeling that this is socioeconomic (i.e. wealth) phenomenon. I had a college roommate from a very wealthy suburb whose mother was quite upset that her daughter had chosen to attend a mere state flagship school. I don’t see much if any of this sort of pressure at my kid’s high school, but it is an economically and racially mixed school, and to be blunt about it, the snobs and bigots would have moved out of it’s boundary lines long before their kids became old enough to attend HS there.</p>

<p>I can easily imagine this sort of pressure in nearby neighborhoods where the homes are bigger, newer and pricier and the people are more status conscious. I saw some unflattering (IMO) behavior when I had my kid in kiddie programs with people from these ‘striver’ neighborhoods. One mother stared at her toddler intently looking at his toes and finally said, 'Well, maybe he’ll be a foot doctor". I thought maybe he’s just a little kid interested in his toes! I once overheard a woman consoling another on the cell phone, apparently over a daughter’s ‘poor’ choice of husband, saying 'everyone can’t marry a surgeon, or supreme court judge". I haven’t the least doubt that these people pressure their kids to excel in order to make themselves look good.</p>

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<p>Treetopleaf: During my career, I worked at more than one school. But, it was clear that the pushiest parents were from the more educated and/or wealthy backgrounds.</p>

<p>The saddest part for me was seeing the children of these parents fall victim to eating disorders, depression, low self-esteem, anxiety, etc. because of the pressure their parents put on them to excel in school and gain admission to a top college.</p>

<p>Fortunately, the vast majority of parents do not do this to their children. But, there are way too many students who are being affected by this.</p>

<p>My reason for mentioning this on CC is to perhaps make some parents step back and take a look at their parenting style. If you find yourself putting too much pressure on your child, there is still time for you to change your approach.</p>

10

<p>Yep, I suffer from parent’s pushing me. I usually get broken up insults in a mixture of English and Chinese when I tell them I didn’t get a 2400 on my SATs or that I got 98% in a class that I worked hard and spent countless hours for because it isn’t an 100%. And when other children win any award, even if I don’t qualify for it, they go why didn’t you win that followed by you’re a loser and blah blah. I personally can’t remember a time when I got praised for my academic achievements at all…Of course they constantly tell me that you’re not getting into blah…because you’re blah blah blah and someone else’s child is blah blah… </p>

<p>But school wide and community wide it’s just me and possible one of my friends.</p>

11

<p>For the past four years I have been mainly raised by my mother…who grew up going from poverty to wealth and back again. She is VERY conscious of “class”- it scares me. I get a constant lecture ( a never-ceasing stream of words ). She is accepting the fact that I am either going on a gap year or doing winter quarter at my local highly ranked state university school…(very big- didn’t apply there originally due to HUGE class sizes- 1 bigger than my high schools class sizes…but hey). It is in a great location- but I would be one of thousands…not something I’d enjoy. </p>

<p>My dad was a bit lacksadasical- but he moves in and out of my life like a “candle in the wind” (never knowing what to do…when the rain sets in- except move to the place where it is and chain his family to a long-term stay!- oh I feel good exclaiming that) During the admissions process earler this year my mom called every night from overseas…and kept repeating apply, apply, apply (min. 6- I was at 4, 2 at last moment - if anyone has read my previous thread- "Would Like some help- I am a Reject then…I would like some help :smiley: I am a reject.)</p>

<p>My dad was here…for the two hours of the day I saw him (works an excessive amount in a not-for-profit job…it amazes me the amount of hours he puts in). This was his college advice- “Heres a butterfly folder- organize and get to!” </p>

<p>However- both my parents push college as the MOST IMPORTANT step in anyone’s life! A career! Stability (though under-employment in the U.S. is at a high)- the cost doesn’t matter- just go somewhere. </p>

<p>It didn’t hurt me when I was rejected- was actually fairly relieved (I was in Ireland when the letters came in)- both my parents jumped together and started emailing me incessantly…so Yes. I think if parents are stuck in such a rut…then tell them early on and not have to deal with what I am dealing with- saves a LOT of trouble and malcontent. </p>

<p>I agree with this post.</p>

<p>Living at school more, crying over getting a “B” grade, and getting stuck in depressive cycles is a painful reality of parental absolutism. (In my high school career of 180x4 days= 720 days and 720x about 12 hours (on average 4 hours per day - a VERY conservative estimate (frosh year I didn’t have a 2nd semester time crunch) over the course of a full four years- last two years with debate I arrived at school at 6 AM and got home at midnight)</p>

<p>That is 8640 hours (with normal school hours being 5760) Out of a total of 17280 (720x24)…8640/17280 is 50%. Fifty-percent of my time was spent at school. (calculate 8 hours- more often than not 4 hours- of sleep…and you get 6 +/- 2 variation for total “free” time at home). Now- with most classes on registration sheet establishing 1-2-3 hours coursework per week, I was working at a DEFICIT of free time hours. Weekends worked to “cover” this- but so little free time is detrimental. With honors classes, AP classes, private lessons, concerts etc…Very little time to “relax.”</p>

<p>Life is not about the pain and tribulations-it is about the friendships and enjoyment you gain from being alive. Optimism became my main motto de bousche (motto of the bush- I live in a place where the per capita amount of trees outweighs the per capita amount of people…)</p>

<p>Ach- I might be logged out again. Time to stop. I’ll get off of my soapbox:)</p>

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<p>OBW-
I have seen you bring up this issue of pushy parents and kids with mood and eating disorders many, many times now. Can you kindly advise just what it is you are looking for? Validation of your observations? Isn’t it possible that some of your observations are correlational and not causal? There are plenty of kids with eating disorders and mood disorder who (a) arent yet at the college hunt/application process stages and/or (b) don’t have wealthy, pushy parents.</p>

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<p>“My reason for mentioning this on CC is to perhaps make some parents step back and take a look at their parenting style. If you find yourself putting too much pressure on your child, there is still time for you to change your approach.”</p>

<p>jym626, I think OBW is trying to bring some perspective to this board. Sometimes it’s hard to recognize the imbalance when you are in the midst of the quest–especially among the overachievers on this site.</p>

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<p>Sportsmama,
I understand. Its just that this same question has been asked by the OP several times, in several places. Yes, there are pushy parents, but there are also supportive, helpful parents, just as there are driven students and not-so-driven students. I see both of these (the parents and students) in my office all the time. I think, however, if we are going to put perspective on the issue, that it is important to realize that stress comes from a lot of places. And with the number of students applying to colleges these days, the college app. process, whether you apply to the top tier schools or not, is still a stressful process. It isn’t all the parents fault.</p>

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<p>My mom actually doesn’t push me at all–I’m a good student, 3.875UW/4.207W, and I will be in all IB classes next year (junior year) and she really wants me to go to the University of Missouri–Kansas City, and I want to go to end up at a good school on the east coast…so I’m pushing myself more than my mom is pushing me.</p>

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<p>Pushy without actually, yknow, helping… </p>

<p>BTW, does anyone know the rage against OBW (noticed it on a couple other boards as well)? Just curious…</p>

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<p>jym626: Yes, I have brought up this issue in the past, but I bring it up again because now that the Class of 2007 is done with their college search, there is a whole new crop of students and parents who can be exposed to this important issue.</p>

<p>In looking at the past post I did on this issue, I was very disappointed to see that many parents responded to my post by saying the exact same things as you; namely, that there are a variety of reasons why students become anorexic, depressed, suffer from anxiety attacks, etc… that not all parents are causing their children to become that way because of pressure they are placing on their children to succeed and to get into elite colleges. You are absolutely correct. But, the problem does exist, and it can’t be ingnored and swept under the rug!</p>

<p>My purpose in starting this thread is to allow students and parents to recognize that parental pressure is making some adolescents sick. This thread allows students and parents to share their stories that support this.
Hopefully, the posts on this thread will help some parents to gain a greater awareness of what they may be doing wrong in the college process.</p>

<p>MY HOPE: THAT THIS WILL BECOME THE ONE THREAD ON COLLEGE CONFIDENTIAL WHERE STUDENTS CAN SHARE THEIR FEELINGS REGARDING PARENTAL PRESSURE AND THE STRESS THEY ARE FEELING AS A RESULT OF IT. IT CAN SERVE AS A SORT OF “SUPPORT GROUP” FOR STUDENTS WHO ARE FEELING THIS WAY.</p>

<p>I doubt that I will ever see this, but it would be wonderful if some parents would post on this thread, sharing what they did wrong in parental style, and making suggestions to help parents of current and future college-bound students.</p>

<p>The purpose of this thread is not to blame or judge; it is to educate students and parents that parental pressure for high academic achievement and getting into an elite college can be something that endangers the physical and mental health of some adolescents. And, that there is time for parents who may be doing this, to recognize it and change their parental style.</p>

<p>Thank you. I look forward to seeing more posts!!!</p>

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<p>Please understand, oldbutwise, that I come at these issues from a different perspective. As a psychologist, I try to look at all the variables that contribute to mood and eating disorders. Yes, school stress can be a contributory factor, but it is not the only factor. Certainly we both agree that adolescence is a tough time, and we want to support these kids as best we can. Family systems issues are but a part of the picture. Just my opinion, and I look forward to continued discussions.</p>

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<p>jym626: Sounds like our backgrounds and graduate school training overlap to a large extent. We both employ a family systems approach when evaluating adolescent problems and treating them.</p>

<p>In the instances to which I refer, the main issue, without question, was pressure put on the teen to excel and gain admission to elite colleges. Of course, the issue can and must be put into the context of the family system and family dynamics, but in the final analysis, the genesis of the problem was exactly what I stated – parental pressure.</p>

<p>The important thing here is to not get sidetracked. This is an issue that is making many of our adolescents sick, and it has to be acknowledged and addressed.</p>

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<p>Jakor: Thanks for inquiring about the rage against me. In it simplest terms, I don’t sugarcoat issues. I go against the grain of most CC’ers in that I bring up issues that many on here are hesitant to raise. I am not very refined and am often quite impolite in the way that I come across. You might say that I have a tendency to “get under one’s skin,” especially those for whom my posts hit too close to home.</p>

<p>The bottom line is that my posts generate thought, discussion and lively debate regarding important adolescent topics.</p>

<p>Whether you like me or hate me, I hope you will think about what I have to say.</p>

<p>Hope this helps!</p>

<p>OBW</p>