Are stay-at-home-moms too dumb to know why they are staying home?

[zoosermom]

<p>

I find it curious that it is always the husbands who have such a job that is completely inflexible so that they can’t pitch in 50-50. It is never the wives.

Nonsense. I specifically explained my situation in which my husband has plenty of flexibility and I have none. You even responded and passed judgment, so don’t plead ignorance. You seem to have an agenda that facts can’t change.</p>

[IndianParent]

<p>

I don’t even earn $50k per year in a professional job. You are very, very, very fortunate. I doubt that there are many people reading this thread who can even relate to the kind of money you earn.</p>

<p>And for what it’s worth, this woman would absolutely clean toilets for $50k/year. But I suppose my point of view is unfathomable to someone who has always outsourced the menial jobs in life.

</p>

<p>Were we not talking in this thread about female lawyers and doctors and MBAs who had to drop out of FT work (or have their husbands drop out)?</p>

[IndianParent]

<p>ZM, I was talking about SAHMs, not WMs like you.</p>

[IndianParent]

<p>

Also keep in mind that just because someone can afford $50K a year to outsource household tasks, doesn’t mean he will want to. It is important to teach your child how to take care of himself so that he will have options. Maybe instead of spending $50K on help, he would rather save that money, or invest it, or have fun once in a while, or who knows what. </p>

<p>Also, what happens if your child lives in a dorm room in college? It’s not realistic to hire help to clean the room, prepare any meals not included in meal plans, and transport him around campus and off-campus.

</p>

<p>I agree. It is a matter of choice. Not one of lack of options. But one of choosing one such option.</p>

<p>By the way, it is completely possible to get cleaning and cooking help in college dorms. I can’t find the article now, but NYT had an article on that a few months back.</p>

[IndianParent]

<p>

IP, where were you living when you got your first job? Was it in the US, or elsewhere?

</p>

<p>US. I never worked till I got my graduate degree.</p>

[IndianParent]

<p>

IP, your q does not make much sense because there are a number of things on the list that you and you wife just do not do (by choice, you say.) By this, I take it that one can just skip things on the list that one does not want to do, does not have the time to do, or cannot afford to outsource. Of course that is all “true”.

</p>

<p>No, I don’t mean that. I mean that working parents outsource some and split the rest; everything still gets done. There is no need to be a SAHM to get everything done at home. </p>

<p>

Allow spouse to commit 110% to his/her career, including promotions, training, travel, entertainment, conferences, and moving jobs anywhere in the world.

</p>

<p>I am not 100% commited to my job, nor would I ever marry someone who is 100% to her job either. People like that run roughshod over their spouse and their kids. That’s not me, nor will I ever put up with someone like that. I got married to have a relationship, not to have a crutch so that I can do whatever it is I want to do, and everything is taken care of for me by my spouse.</p>

<p>

And some of the stuff that is NOT on the list is “PRICELESS” … Hard to say what “value” these have to anyone but the parent

</p>

<p>Precisely my point. It is not about the family nor the kid. It is about the parent. The parent gets something out of not working and instead staying at home. Which is a fine choice. This after all is a free country. </p>

<p>It’s the excuses and the justifications that makes me smile.</p>

[IndianParent]

<p>Here’s another funny thing. Imagine a man stating this - I don’t want to work because I would rather watch soccer on TV. Now imagine a woman stating this - I don’t want to work because I would rather watch my kid play soccer live. How would you react to these two people? Assume that neither has to work, their spouses can support them, and are willing to as well.</p>

[Dad_of_3]

<p>

Here’s another funny thing. Imagine a man stating this - I don’t want to work because I would rather watch soccer on TV. Now imagine a woman stating this - I don’t want to work because I would rather watch my kid play soccer live. How would you react to these two people?

</p>

<p>To me there was an infinite difference in pleasure in seeing my daughter running around her backhand versus the disgust in seeing some robotic woman on TV hitting the ball 3" within the corner but grunting like a w*ore.</p>

[LasMa]

<p>

Imagine a man stating this - I don’t want to work because I would rather watch soccer on TV. Now imagine a woman stating this - I don’t want to work because I would rather watch my kid play soccer live.

</p>

<p>If you are equating the two – you can’t be serious.</p>

[kluge]

<p>Sorry, Momlive - I saw the quote but not the original! I’m glad we’re in agreement. (The first guy still gets my goat, though.)</p>

[IndianParent]

<p>What’s the difference? Both are doing something that would make them happy, and depending on their spouses to enable that instead of working. Why is one better than the other?</p>

[emeraldkity4]

<p>Why is one better than the other?
:::::::::sigh::::::::::::</p>

[IndianParent]

<p>OK, let me try another angle here then. Is it a good role model for a parent to depend on someone else for money to pursue what (s)he needs for happiness?</p>

[jym626]

<p>IP-
Rather than dominate the thread with now about 30% of the posts, why don’t you go play scrabble with “the kid”. Please don’t outsource that too.</p>

<p>And as for this

But my wife spends 10-15 hours per week sitting next to the kid during piano/cello practice. She attends all the piano/cello classes to take notes.

that is just so sad.</p>

[performersmom]

<p>IP= to state what we think is obvious, you are in one in a million strangers watching a public game played by strangers. In the OTHER, you are watching your CHILD who loves you and depends on you and wants to make you proud, and whom you can love and nurture and guide and support… whom you care for in a unique way that you cannot with anyone else.</p>

<p>Compare: going to a concert played by a professional pianist whom you could watch on TV or buy a recording of, and going to your child’s piano recital. Only YOU and your wife as parents can be that special cheering squad for your son!!! It will make HIM feel something. for you to BE THERE AT THAT MOMENT.</p>

[performersmom]

<p>IP_ life is not just a competition. There are no prescriptions. Doing your best as a parent involves more than helping your child be a success or compete t the top, even if that IS his goal (or yours).
Parenting is also about feelings, building a connection, to enable your child to be resilient in search of whatever he wishes in life, even in failure.</p>

[performersmom]

<p>AArhg Grrr- when one parent depends on the other for money it is sometimes a sacrifice by that parent to care for other things besides money, to be a member of a team. A healthy partnership usually involves sacrifices on both sides, for each other, in pursuit of a common goal. I cannot think of many better role modeling opportunities. Two or more can be better than one: each plays different roles to best accomplish a number of shared goals.</p>

<p>Being dependent does not necessarily mean lazy, taking, weak, powerless; usually the power is somewhat diffused because the other partner is also contributing something other than money. Legally money DOES symbolize power (too much so, IMO), but that can be blurred by love, and that is good role modelling. </p>

<p>If at-home parenting is valued vociferously in the home, it would not even really be considered an inferior role. </p>

<p>p.s. Getting your child into a top college/company/conservatory does NOT necessarily mean the parenting has been successful. Sure- hard work, commitment, practice, setting high standards are all good traits to promote in one’s children, but there is much more to it than that.</p>

[IndianParent]

<p>PM, I just can’t see how one can foster independence in kids while being dependent him/herself. The point about watching the soccer game was not about which situation results in more happiness. The point was whether it is OK to indulge in happiness while being supported by someone else. We all look down upon adult kids who live on their parent’s dime. Why do adult men and women who live on their spouse’s dime get an exemption? Sure, they do household work, but so do the working parents.</p>

[IndianParent]

<p>

Rather than dominate the thread with now about 30% of the posts, why don’t you go play scrabble with “the kid”. Please don’t outsource that too.

</p>

<p>See, if I respond to this post, my share of the thread goes up. If I don’t, then I am avoiding questions.</p>

<p>

that is just so sad.

</p>

<p>You think it is not enough? I disagree.</p>

[TatinG]

<p>IP: It’s not about your happiness. It’s about the child’s happiness. Is there any kid who wouldn’t rather have his/her parents attending the game, the match, the concert, than having some paid babysitter who has to go to drive him/her. </p>

<p>Once a couple chooses to have children, their wants and needs are secondary to what the child needs in order to have a healthy, happy childhood and become a healthy adult.</p>