<p>Lucky for us the divorce courts in the US don’t see it this way. Generally, spouses get 50/50 of assets and non-working spouses are often awarded alimony. Why? Because there’s no ‘dependency’ about it. * It’s considered a partnership.* And in a partnership, each partner contributes separate but equal skills, assets, etc.</p>
<p>IP - I get the very strong feeling that you are insistent that your spouse work because you consider being a SAMH as not a ‘real job’. The plus side for you is you get to enjoy twice the income and if your spouse does leave you, you get to split twice the assets you would have had if she had been a SAMH and would probably not have to pay alimony. I also get the sense you have a real fear of someone being dependent on you. </p>
<p>Here’s the thing - having a stay-at-home parent was a value shared by both my husband and myself. It was a top priority to us. Money isn’t everything and my husband (bless his heart) has never once in 25 years suggested it was ‘his’ money or that I wasn’t working as hard as he does.</p>
<p>Interesting, our 19 year old son recently made some of the same comments that you did - it’s the man’s money, the SAHM doesn’t have a ‘real’ job, etc. My husband quickly set him straight.</p>
<p>I don’t think it was difficult to juggle working and raising kids. I don’t feel like I missed any important events. Having a good sitter is 90% of the battle. My kids are well adjusted and no harm done and I would not have changed anything. I was a better mom for not being home all day with the kids. I do feel for SAHMs who try to re-enter the workforce after a ten or more year gap. My SIL who has multiple degrees and left a fairly high power job before the internet and banking changes is looking for a job and isn’t getting any offers because her skill set is severely hampered. No doubt if she can land something she’ll rise up again, but I know she’s shell shocked. It’s a tough decision no doubt.</p>
<p>This is one of my pet topics indeed. I think that even at their best, SAHMs enable fathers to not play the role of an equal partner, and thus reinforce gender based stereotypes of women depending on men. SAHMs obviously run huge risks. In the normal course of action, they are exposed to financial manipulation by their spouses. In the event of divorce, they mostly get screwed already, and the trend is towards even more harsh laws and settlements. Finally, even when everything goes OK, SAHMs derive their sense of being from raising kids, and are in for a rude shock when the kids leave the nest. I was reading this other thread about how college kids never call. That was heart wrenching. Fathers typically don’t have such reactions because they have their work to give them a sense of self. </p>
<p>Now, everyone will tell you that in their particular relationship there are no such problems. Yet if you research the hard data, the aggregate picture is totally the reverse. There are some great books on this topic - one that I recommended in the other book thread.</p>
I really hope that’s not the case. Personally, my family has benefitted greatly over the years from the energy, commitment, creativity and other gifts that SAH parents (there have been some men in our community) have chosen to share with our schools and other groups. The loss to the educational experience of many kids would be staggering without them. My husband (he of the flexible schedule) was the lunch dad for many years and his strong back was greatly appreciated. There is a woman in my son’s school who made their 5th grade “graduation” year something so special that it’s has acquired legendary status.</p>
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Of course we can’t. That would be silly. Working parents don’t get more than 24 hours in a day either.</p>
<p>I am really excited to see the younger generation of lawyers with whom I work demanding accommodations – men in their partner year leaving to pick up a sick kid and being honest about it! They always did those things, but it used to be that the sick kid was a conference before a judge or a client meeting. Women are now beginning to expect flexibility and genuine partnership consideration. Whether one believes in trickle-down economics, there is something to be said for trickle-down flexibility. When it becomes acceptable at the top, it becomes more likely for others.</p>
<p>I find the whole topic very complicated. I absolutely value the contribution of the SAH parent as highly as the parent earning a check (actually, I think a parent at home is actually better a lot of the time), but I can see that taking the leap of faith and leaving the workforce is a tough thing to do. When my kids were little, we had three families with whom we were very close lose a parent (two dads and one mom) very suddenly and young. In all those cases, the mom stayed at home. One of the surviving families ended up losing the house because mom couldn’t get a job and spent years in poverty, the second family had enough money and family support to hold on, but she didn’t find a job right away. The third family was a situation where the dad had his own business and worked very long hours and the mom was at home. Unfortunately, dad was away so much that he didn’t know the details and routines of the kids’ lives, so when mom died suddenly, the kids felt he was a stranger. Very sad.</p>
<p>The bottom line is that we all do the best we can and should be kind to each other whenever possible. Especially within a marriage!</p>
<p>This is preciely the drawing boundaries thing that I was talking about. Don’t expect your employer to be more flexible. Just draw your own boundaries and take responsibility for your own happiness.</p>
<p>“I do understand that. However, it is all about labor arbitrage. Housekeepers get paid about $20/hour. So if someone makes more than that, plus enough to cover taxes and such, which comes to about $50k/year, then to me it makes sense to work and spend all that money to hire someone to do the household work. The reason for this is many fold, but the main one is that it takes women out of the role of unpaid domestic labor, and provides a lot of security in the case of divorce which is quite common.”</p>
<p>Who exactly is doing this work, robots?? Are you saying that you have a male housekeeper?</p>
<p>The point, to me, is that every family is different and has to make the best decisions for their particular situation. In MY case, I found working at a job outside the home and raising kids to be more than I could handle. </p>
<p>Our case is a little different, because in 1999 we started an engineering consulting business out of our home. I can work weird hours and still take care of the house and kids. I take care of all our bookkeeping and AutoCAD drafting. I perform engineering calculations occasionally, also.</p>
<p>This works GREAT for us, because DH and I love being together all of the time. I don’t insist on that being the perfect model, though, because I know a lot of spouses can’t handle that much time together. If families need to have the wife working, fine. If they need to have the wife home, fine. If the husband needs to stay home, fine. WHATEVER! IP, I do not think it is appropriate for you to judge other people’s situations. Just because a particular system works for your family does not make it the “right” way for other families to do things.</p>
<p>So, by that logic, your husband should quit his job and spend more time with his kids, right? If that is not needed for either your husband or your kids, and they are both doing fine in their personal growth and relationship, then you do not need to spend that much time either with your kids. So which one is it?</p>
<p>I don’t know what is the right way, but I do know that gender based power imbalance is not something the kids should see daily in their lives. On this I am adamant.</p>
<p>Then the employer wouldn’t fire the best legal minds. I fail to see the problem really. </p>
<p>I work in a professional services firm as well. I have always drawn strict boundaries. I have always had faith in the strength of my mind. I always knew that I can get another job. It’s really simple.</p>
<p>So it is totally possible to do while working. That’s a great role model. So why do women drop out of work in order to be able to do the same as your husband? That’s the part I don’t get.</p>