When I was 17, I got a job as a waitress. On my first day, I showed up early in my waitress uniform (decidedly NOT sexy) and a bandana to keep the hair out of the food. The manager was a guy who looked like a cross between Harvey Weinstein and Jabba the Hutt. He leaned back in his chair in the really crappy office and ordered,
“Turn Around!”
What? NO!
He kept insisting. “Turn around so I can get a look at you.” No, no, NO!
I turned around.
I’m 59, and I’m NOT a victim, but on that day I WAS a victim. I was ashamed of myself for capitulating. I use this as a story for the young people in my life today. It did affect me. It does affect me. I recognize it, and I call it out, not for me, but for young people who are victimized by this treatment. Being a victim doesn’t mean that you wallow in self-pity. For me, it’s recognizing what happened. And I was not a hero that day.
There were other people in the room that could have shut this creep down, but they were afraid. So he kept that crap going for all the new waitresses.
I post this because, “Me Too”
That being said – if you are only speaking up NOW… AFTER winning your OSCAR, your TONY, your GRAMMY, your EMMY or your OLYMPIC GOLD MEDAL - - - AFTER putting up with this crap in favor of “chasing your dream” YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM!!!
You are NOT part of the solution/reveal/expose.
Many of us walked away. We lost jobs, promotions, opportunities. We made it thru college IN SPITE of our professors.
WE are the heroines of this story… NOT YOU!
Nobody who has been sexually assaulted is “part of the problem” because they didn’t react to their sexual assault the way a random stranger wants them to.
“Nobody who has been sexually assaulted is “part of the problem” because they didn’t react to their sexual assault the way a random stranger wants them to.”
You are right, no one is ever required to react in a certain way to any assault.
But by knowing what was going on (for decades) and not speaking up, you allowed the problem to continue and more women to be victimized.
There are so many things which you are not legally required to do, but a sense of concern for those who might become victims begs the question of whether your silence is moral or ethical.
If HW was abusing his wife or kids, would anyone have spoken out? Should they have? It would have risked careers.
And that is just my, predictably unpopular, opinion.
What has pushed me over the edge this week are the comments (elsewhere) indicating that victims have invited unwanted attention or assault.
My mother commented about rape stories saying that the victim was responsible due to what she wore, where she went and/or who she was with. There was no way I could tell my parents. The circumstances of my attacks would not have mattered to her; they would have been my fault and I would have been punished severely. Unfortunately, I chose to confide in the wrong person who used that knowledge against me.
I internalized the blame and held myself responsible, although I didn’t look at other victims the same way. I put on a lot of weight, as if to protect and isolate myself from the threat of another assault even though I know rape is about power and control. I became reclusive, too, partly out of fear and partly from embarrassment. Fortunately, my husband’s love is unconditional, which is what keeps me alive as well as reasonably happy most of the time.
My heart goes out to every person who has experienced verbal or physical assault of any sort, and especially to those who’ve been taught to think that they’re somehow responsible. I wish we could redirect the focus to changing the behavior and mindset of the perpetrators and stop analyzing the victims for any hint of culpability.
I was sexually harassed at work when I was a college student. I didn’t know I had any recourse at the time (and to tell you the truth, I probably didn’t.) Now, I am raising my Ds to speak out.
^This. I was thinking about my situation this morning with two different family members, and what I thought then still holds true – I I think my family would have said it wasn’t a big deal, and somehow made it my fault. In fact, my mom said something a couple of years ago (she has since passed away) that indicated that she KNEW that one of the incidents happened, and did nothing.
I was bullied through all k-8. When my father brought it up to the principal he was told ‘she must be bringing it on herself’.
What is the difference between assault and harassment. This isn’t a sarcastic question. My college professor asked me to come to his office. When I did he came to the side of the desk where I was sitting, placed himself on the edge of the desk in a ‘man spread’ position. He then cupped my chin, lifted my head upward and said ‘you know your very cute’. Was that harassment, or assault since there was touch?
Either way, once I got myself out of that office I told several friends with in the hour. I especially made sure the few other women in my department knew of the issue.
A male friend said he would accompany me on any further visits as well as any other woman if they wanted his company. I also suggested the females in this jerks department visit him in couples or small groups.
It didn’t occur to me to bring the problem to the attention of the administration, somehow I knew it wouldn’t work out well for me if I did. But I did have the power to protect other women. The last thing that would have occurred to me is to remain silent and let some other unsuspecting woman find herself in the same position.
Then again I had an amazing set of nuns in high school. These women took no poop. They were one of the orders that was out in the world on a daily basis. They taught us a boat load of self respect and gave us the ability to speak out in situation where women at the time tended to remain silent.
“Was that harassment, or assault since there was touch?”
Could be both. Definitely harassment.
“It didn’t occur to me to bring the problem to the attention of the administration, somehow I knew it wouldn’t work out well for me if I did. But I did have the power to protect other women.”
Your story - not telling authorities, telling other women you knew at school - isn’t that pretty much what a lot of these women in Hollywood have done? I’m sure some told no one but a lot did tell others in the business.
I was often complemented on a new hair cut or a new outfit. I don’t consider that harassment, just sort of common small talk. I suppose it would depend on how it was said, a matter of voice inflection.
I was repeatedly scolded by the sorority I was pledging for not drinking alcohol and not being “friendly” enough to the frat guys at the parties. I quit when the sorority stepped up the harassment of me during finals week.
This was “just” harassment by females, my “sisters.”
@dietz199, something similar happened to me. It wasn’t much but enough to raise my hackles. I definitely felt it was harassment. I never told anyone and am still mad at myself to this day.