<p>If so, what are you teaching them?</p>
<p>Yes, yes and yes!
Kindness, equal respect for all whatever their station in life, consideration for the feelings of others, never to make another feel ill-at-ease, or to show superiority in any way, excellent manners.
I work with kids, and the boys who are raised with these values really stand out nowadays, although it’s questionable how many adults even notice or appreciate it. Even adults who hold these values are a dying breed.
It’s really all about me, me, me now for everyone it seems.</p>
<p>Yes to all hereshopin said. Though the table manners thing evaporated in middle school–seemed we had to start over (I never ever expected to hear myself say, “do not eat you r macaroni and cheese with your fingers” to a 14 year old!)</p>
<p>Add to the list one that I take very seriously: not objectifying females.</p>
<p>Thank you, HH.</p>
<p>The reason I asked the question is because I have been very disappointed at the behaviors I have observed, and feel I need a “reality check.” I.e., am I being naive and unrealistic to expect more from the boys around me and my Ds?</p>
<p>I have been appalled at the foul language used by boys around girls, the apparent oblivion they display regarding common courtesies: offering to assist females struggling to carry heavy objects, or offer their seat, or even send an anonymous Valentine just because it would make a girl’s day.</p>
<p>I am raising a son who is still a “work in progress,” but I don’t want him to turn out this way, so I wondered if my expectations are out of line for this generation.</p>
<p>“gentlemanly” behavior will get your son beat up in middle school. 4 years later
he will be respected and well liked by those very same kids.</p>
<p>Not objectifying females is one I thought of later–absolutely agree.<br>
It’s very hard work to raise boys like this in today’s society, and has to start when they’re very young. It’s disappointing when adult mothers don’t even notice, or give a pass to, the crass behaviors of their sons. I’m an older mother (had my 16 year old when I was 41) so I often wonder if there is a generation gap between me and some of the young moms I see. Also, my own parents were older, so perhaps I’m more in touch with the “gentlemanly” values of another era.</p>
<p>The entire idea of gentlemen, and ladies, too, seems by and large to be a thing of the past.</p>
<p>What is a “gentleman”? One who opens doors for women and pays for her meal? Does this make a gentleman?</p>
<p>I am teaching both my children, a boy and a girl, to be respectful of other people. My daughter can open the door (and does!) for people too. She can get out of her seat in the bus, if an elderly person comes on.</p>
<p>It isn’t “gentelmanly”…it’s just good manners, which aren’t gender specific.</p>
<p>^^^
What is a gentleman? I think it’s an ethic that you live by, and all the other behaviors (opening doors, etc) come as a result of it. It’s strength, honor, compassion, and responsibililty.</p>
<p>Yes, I’m trying! I am told of my son’s good manners by other parents whose houses he visits, so he must be a Jeckyl and Hyde! (SP?)</p>
<p>I recommend the DVD “Raising Cain” if you want to understand boys’ behavior and what they face in society. I agree with a previous poster that middle school is a challenge, particularly for late-blooming boys. You may want to look at boarding schools with formal dress code, etc. if you want the educational/social environment to match your values.</p>
<p>IMO, it is easier to teach a “theme” than 10,000 individual rules. </p>
<p>Luckily for me, my S has a big sister whom he adores. So the essence of my teaching is that he should treat girls with the honesty, respect, and gentleness that he would want other boys to show his sister. </p>
<p>But yes, give up your seat on the bus for a lady, hold the door, firm handshake & meet the other person’s eyes, etc-- I impart all those rules too. And I think he likes being this kind of young man, because it gets him a lot of nice feedback and praise. He has always thrived in work situations in part because he knows how to conduct himself humbly and politely and he is comfortable with adult ‘rules.’ </p>
<p>When he got in trouble for misbehaving on the school bus (jumping around) I made him read “Nickled & Dimed” and write the bus driver a letter of apology! Some might call me a harda$$. But it is so important to me that my kids treat human beings respectfully and not be snotty or entitled. (Subsequently the bus driver and he became pals.)</p>
<p>So I’m proud to say that with the help of my older D and my H, I have raised a 16 year old gentleman. Yes, there are the occassional gross jokes, table manner blunders, etc-- but on the big issues he is a mensch. </p>
<p>Proof: his girlfriend’s parents ADORE him.</p>
<p>I tried very hard to help raise my two stepsons to be gentlemen. Their mom didn’t care too much about some manners issues, though she did raise them to be very respectful of their elders. They didn’t have much instruction in table manners or entertaining or being visitors in someone else’s home, so I tried to help with that. Table manners were a struggle…but later they thanked me for helping them with that.</p>
<p>“IMO, it is easier to teach a “theme” than 10,000 individual rules”</p>
<p>Isn’t that the truth!! Especially for my S with Aspergers who has problems connecting the social dots as it is and understanding empathy. The one theme in our house has been the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.</p>
<p>My son is not what I would call a “gentleman”, but I think he acts better when he isn’t around his family. (at least I hope so) I guess I failed at THAT one.</p>
<p>Another point for moms of small boys: you need to be very literal and specific when you want politeness. I began by saying “be polite” but got no results-- because, to a 8 year old, this means “no kicking, no hitting.” I realized i had to break it down more: </p>
<p>“When we get to the door, shake Mrs X’s hand, meet her eye, and say ‘Thanks for inviting me.’ Then she’ll say something to you… probably something like ‘how is school’ or ‘how are sports going?’ Then you reply to that. She might say one more thing; if so reply. THEN you can run off to the back yard to find the kids.”</p>
<p>After I did that he morphed into Mr Polite. He just needed explicit instructions!</p>
<p>i think too often girls expect too little of the males…so the males think their boorish behavior is no big deal</p>
<p>I do see things that are endearing, though, the guy handshake, love seeing that in middle school, when guys see each other shake hands starting young</p>
<p>My D had a friend who couldn’t figure out what to call me, so he politely asked. I said CGM was okay, but he can’t help himslef, and calls me Mrs. CGM. </p>
<p>WHen teaching males how to act, we mom’s of daughters must be sure we do the same, and teach them what is appropriate behavior around them </p>
<p>And don’t get me started on dancing…</p>
<p>THere are certain behaviors we should expect from men for a civil society, such as standing up for what is right, but not fighting over it</p>
<p>I make it a point to let parents that their son is a gentlemen.</p>
<p>Eddie Haskell was a gentleman, too.</p>
<p>hereshoping and I hardly ever agree on much, but I second everything she says here. And everyone else as well.</p>
<p>If we’re talking specifics, one thing that I did when I was a teen was when I called to talk to friends (or potential dates), when the parent answered the phone I said, “Hi, this is Dig! Is Mary there?” I can’t tell you how many parents were impressed with that simple thing, so that they knew who was calling. My son does the same, and I’ve gotten many comments on that.</p>
<p>In general, though, he is extremely polite and sensitive to others’ feelings. I can’t take too much credit for that, though. He seems to be that way naturally.</p>
<p>From the other side of the fence, the one litmus test I’ve suggest D use when evaluating guys: watch how they treat people they don’t <em>have</em> to be nice to–waitresses, clerks in the post office, children, a street person. </p>
<p>Lots of people can smarm up to the boss or some other power figure and their true character comes out at other times.</p>
<p>MOWC, True. But the Eddie Haskells get job interviews! Politeness is a currency that is useful to possess. I bet WC will get there eventually though. Some boys are harder to civilize than others!</p>
<p>TheDad, that’s why I went ape about the bus driver! I was so ashamed!</p>