<p>We are still in the paying out big bucks for the kids mode, so we are eagerly awaiting the time when we can spend our own money on us! We have, however, planned pretty carefully and (I think) responsibly for our retirement, so we don’t expect to be a burden on the kids. I’m hoping to have grandchildren on whom I can lavish money, time, and attention. </p>
<p>When doing my living will and medical power of attorney, I did choose my daughters as the people to make my final decisions. I’m sure that will be something of a burden for them, but I think it’s the right thing to do. I discussed that with them beforehand and they agreed.</p>
<p>Csdad, I see no problem if a parent decides to pay for a state school even if he can afford an Ivy League school. He could have graduated from a no name school and worked his way up to get where he is. In fact, he probably got where he is because he knew in which areas to save. </p>
<p>He can keep his country club expenses as long he has a positive cash flow even after saving enough for retirement and the cost of the state school a decade from now.</p>
<p>Interesting … I send updates to my wife. I like the idea of sending updates to our kids. Mom3ToGo and I have talked about how much to divulge to the kids … we have a concern about letting them know the pile is getting pretty big … we don’t want trust fund complacent kids.</p>
<p>Back to the OP. We believe we owed our kids an education … and what we believe they owe us is an education for their kids (which actually is VERY related to what we hope to leave to them)</p>
<p>Heck no. As long as Dh and I don’t have some major financial or medical calamity, I would be horrified to ask my kids for financial help. Quite honestly, I don’t want to rely on them for any type of support as we age; I spend so much time shuttling my mom back & forth to doctors and acting as her sole social outlet that I want to do as much as I can to do what I need to do so that I’m not that burden on my kids. I have a list going of things to consider for our “last” house location so that we can “age in place” as long and as independently as possible. </p>
<p>Since DH & I won’t have pensions and I’m not convinced of the long term stability of SS, we have been making max contributions to 401(k) for a while. We should be doing that with IRA’s as well, but we’ll do that once college expenses (& ESA contributions) are over. </p>
<p>Suzy Orman is big on saving for retirement before you pay for your kids educations. Because you can’t take out loans for retirement.</p>
<p>Son works very hard, is paid well and has his own decent stash. Our daughter - well, she’s not a workaholic like he is and she’s more inclined to accept stuff - but she’s workiMost of our extended family is too proud to ask or accept</p>
<p>“I recently got a good job out of college and my parents have already started dropping not so subtle hints that they expect me to pay for their retirement.”
-This is very unusual. Why? SS is not enough? We have no plans to retire, but what do one need when retire? No debt, no need to buy clothes / furniture. I have only plans to go to very fancy and expansive vacations as I have been doing for the past 30 years. Other than that, I even hate to go shopping, including grocery, I am way too lazy to even go out for dinner. I bet most are feeling this way, just want to enjoy thier home…</p>
<p>Krlilies… we (and my D) were really surprised that we got some of this attitude when she enrolled in an Ivy league school…insinuation that we were crazy to spend that kind of $…funny how the majority of these people earn less than we do, live in a more expensive house, drive a more expensive car, and take expensive trips without their children…</p>
<p>But who cares what others are doing and why and what they decided to own and why? I definitely do not care. I love my job, my family, my hobby, my club, my house, our cars, our vacations and very proud of kids and grandkids and hope it will continue the same for me, as for others, it is their business, I would not spend one second of my life paying any attention.</p>
<p>Csdad, how do you know they earn less than you do? Are you privy to their ITR? Each to their own preferred expenses. Yours are Ivy League tuition and best value cars & home; for them its best-value state school tuition and vaycays. As long as the household has a positive cash flow and will not be a burden to their children…:)</p>
<p>I see two sides to this issue. There is a huge difference between supporting someone and helping someone in need and I have seen both.</p>
<p>My younger sister’s MIL is a “mooch”. Although she’s not yet retired, I believe she’s in her early sixties, she now lives with my sister and family without paying rent or helping toward any bills. When she first moved in, my BIL was ‘between jobs’ and my sister was supporting her family which includes two young kids + her MIL on a teacher’s salary. When it got truly ridiculous to me was when my sister’s MIL borrowed her car and drove somewhere on a Illinois toll-road. She didn’t stop at any tolls and drove through the IPass lane. My sister, who does not have an IPass as she has no need, later got a bill for over $300 for tolls and fines. Her MIL did not apologize, did not offer to pay any of the fine, and simply said “I didn’t know I needed to pay the tolls”??? seriously??? My sister paid the fines since it was her car and she was afraid of the consequences if she didn’t. This living arrangement is still on-going. I don’t know how a parent can even think of treating their children like this.</p>
<p>On the other hand, I watched my now 87 year old grandmother truly struggle after my grandfather passed away. He was a wounded WWII vet that had been receiving a military pension and disability before he passed and that income shrunk by about 90% when he passed. Although they’d never lived beyond their means, my grandparents had little money saved. After my grandfather passed, my grandmother was not financially, emotionally, or physcially capable of supporting herself. I watched as my parents who own two homes and pay cash for their vehicles not offer any help. My grandmother was struggling to keep her heat on over the winter and my father’s response was if he offered financial help it would only be a temporary solution and my grandmother would eventually wind up back in the same situation and it would become an endless cycle, so his solution was not to offer any help at all. Eventually my uncle and wife moved in with my grandmother to provide assistance, but I still have trouble understanding how my parents could sit back and not offer any help at all.</p>
<p>I would be the last person to ask for my son’s help to support me. I would never expect him to buy me anything or pay my way when I am able. But I’d like to think that if I lost my job unexpectedly before I’m prepared to retire or had a health issue and was truly in need that he would be willing to help. On the flip side, even after he graduates and is supporting himself, if he ever finds himself unemployed or has an accident that keeps him from working, I would be the first person to offer help to him.</p>
<p>The reason that I do not want any help from my kids is that I want them to spoil their own kids rotten, I want my grandkids to have much much richer lives than I even expected for myself, and unfortunately they will not, because or our generation is so greedy that they will have to pay our debt, no matter what each of us want or does not want, and this is thruth. All our differences are so unimportant in comparison to that, they are really nothing.</p>
<p>Ok, point taken, but there also seems to be the attitude in these couple of posts that a parent telling their kid that they will only pay for a state school education is indicative of some kind of transgression (and there is something wrong with taking an occasional vacation without the kids?!). There are many good, decent parents who don’t believe that an Ivy League or prestigious private school education is superior to that of a good state school. Perhaps the father in question is one of those people-who wants to enjoy his own life as well (whether country club membership or something else), while providing his child with what he believes is a very good value (great education which provides good opportunities for the future). He may believe that the true value of an Ivy or other “prestigious” private is overstated. It may have nothing to do with his being uncaring or selfish.</p>
<p>Secondly, in the first post above, how is the fact that the Dad tells the child they will only look at state schools illustrative of the comment about “parents who won’t help their kids financially for college but spend all kinds of $ on themselves”?</p>
<p>This is such a tough subject, but as a grown child of responsible parents it is difficult to see how any parent would request or hint at such a thing. I agree with others about not sharing any information regarding your salary or promotions, they can just wonder. Your responsibility is to you to start your own savings for future needs. Of course no one wants their family out on the street but it could happen to the whole family if one tries to provide for such irresponsible parents. How bout selling the house and cars???</p>
<p>“how is the fact that the Dad tells the child they will only look at state schools”
-We did not even have to mention. And in our case it was not even state, but schools that would definitely offer huge Merit package, that included one private. So, at the end D. choose to attend public in-state on full tuition Merit and had a ball there. Still misses it a lot, visits frequently. However, becasue of that and because we can, we are paying for her Med. School. It does not mean that I expect her to return the favor. I hope that she will never have to do that. It would be a huge blow. I hope she could devote lots and lot of her resources to her own kids. So, this is the reason why we do not want her to have student loans.</p>
<p>This post hits close to home, and I wonder if that’s where I’m headed in the coming years:</p>
<p>My parents are both government workers and gross about $150k (deep south) between the two of them. Still, as long as I can remember, we’ve been perpetually broke as they’re both very poor with money. I didn’t find out exactly how broke we were until I went to apply for college, so I took the wise route, swallowed my pride, and went to a state university on a full scholarship and borrowed maybe $5k from them over 4 years. Turns out, I wasn’t borrowing from them, I was “borrowing” from the inheritance my grandparents gave me for college, which was about $20k. Anyway, after I graduated, they apparently started raiding that inheritance to pay down bills, so I just let them have the rest because I felt bad for them.</p>
<p>Just got a call last month and they need to borrow some money for an emergency house repair. There is no way these people are retiring at 60 (next year) like they think they are…</p>
<p>gthopeful, read the advice given earlier in this thread, and start applying it now. Boundaries, check your credit reports, etc. If they are borrowing money, get an IOU.</p>
<p>I don’t expect D to contribute to our retirement. I do expect her to help out in an emergancy (ie show up at the hosptial, pick up groceries, etc). Neither my dad or MIL would expect help from us. Heck, my dad wants receipts to reimburse me if I pick up a couple of things at the market (he’s almost 86, sometimes it’s easier for me to do the errands).</p>
<p>Among my HS classmates’ and many Asian-American families I grew up with in NYC, the above behavior would if the child is highly intelligent and achieving…much sorrow for the child and much scorn for such parents. </p>
<p>It wouldn’t only be viewed as a neglect of a parent’s final duty to his/her child, but also a
sign they prioritize self-indulgence over valuing getting the best education for their highly intelligent/achieving kids. </p>
<p>The only time being cheap about a child’s undergrad education is justified if the parents have financial means in their view is if the child was an academic slacker/underachiever* or they suffered a sudden financial downturn that wasn’t self-inflicted. </p>
<ul>
<li>Some of those families…including some within my own extended family would go so far as to tell the slacker/underachiever kids that due to their lackluster high school performance, they need to get a job/apprenticeship or to enlist in the military to earn their own keep.<br></li>
</ul>
<p>
</p>
<p>This BS is precisely why some well-off grandparents/older relatives and clients at a biglaw firm I worked at create trusts for their grandchildren administered by a trust-worthy relative/attorney who IS prudent about financial matters. </p>
<p>Almost none of them would ever appoint a parent to be the administrator for precisely this reason…especially if it is known the parent(s) aren’t good about managing their personal finances.</p>
<p>Yes, you’ve discussed these elitist attitudes found not only in your own family, but in your community and school environment before.</p>
<p>Guess what? They might be <em>wrong.</em> It might be possible for a non “slacker” to get a great education at a state institution and go on to wonderful achievements, a good income, a happy marriage and family life. There are many intelligent people in this country who perhaps have a family tradition of sending their kids to their state schools; they likely feel no awe for the tiny handful of “prestigious” northeastern schools mandated by your family members/acquaintances nor are they slave to the notion of Ivy League or bust. These people would be seen as “negligent” by only the smallest fraction of the population, whose opinion, quite frankly, deserves really no recognition whatsoever.</p>
<p>I personally think it’s wonderful if a kid wants to go to an “elite” school. I’m happy for them when they get in to their dream school, and impressed with them as I know what it takes to get in to those kinds of schools. But in contrast to most of the people in your world, cobrat, I realize that not going to those schools does NOT imply in the slightest that these kids have negligent parents, are to be scorned, or assumed to be slackers or lacking in intelligence. There truly is a world outside of the original 13 colonies.</p>
<p>I am a little appalled that someone with means choosing to send their child to a state school is being mentioned alongside the type of parents being discussed in the OP as if they are even slightly the same.</p>