<p>Both my daughters, one freshman and one senior in college, have yet to find the first significant other (both interested in males). Both want to eventually get married and definitely have kids. For the present, my husband and I would both be really happy for the oldest if she could just find a reasonable “starter boyfriend”. I feel it more for her because she’s 22 and usually more reserved about her personal life - we’re very close, but if she doesn’t tell, I don’t ask. Youngest lets it all hang out much more freely re her ups and downs. Both are personable, kind, funny, smart and attractive - though not models - and both have some devoted friends, lots of acquaintances, and other focuses in their lives. Oldest has signed up for online dating services, but I’m not supposed to know this (sister spilled beans, but I’ve never asked her for updates and intend to maintain my dignified silence if it kills me).
Have your kids, or yourselves for that matter, been similarly late starters? How has it all worked out so far? Of course I love the happy stories the best, but am very interested in the struggles as well.</p>
<p>I would say my son is a later bloomer in this regard. He had one boyfriend in high school and that only lasted a few weeks. One boy friend in college and, again, only lasted a few weeks.</p>
<p>Like your children, he has friends and all that good stuff. Of course, by the time I was my son’s age (19) I was married and I don’t want him following in my footsteps!</p>
<p>Like a century plant.</p>
<p>D2 was precocious (first BF at 12, rarely not in a relationship), and the D1, who is 21, has barely been on a date! Part of her problem was that her HS class was mostly girls (unusual, just luck), and NONE of the girls ever had a BF! Now that she is at college she is at a very female dominated school (not the reason for her choice), so the hetero male pickings are slim… I think she would be a lot more confident if something happened in this department, but nothing seems to be cooking at this point…</p>
<p>A fitting thread for Valentine’s Day!</p>
<p>My D did not date in high school, and then headed to a women’s college. She focused on opportunities for self-development during her college years and was not proactive about dating.</p>
<p>However, since graduating from college, she has had an active dating life. She is in a heavily male field and that helped a lot at first, but she has also used eharmony for online prospects. (She took the long, depth-focused option when doing the online approach. LOTS – and months – of writing and questions before eventually meeting in a coffee shop.) She has had three serious relationships and is happily involved with “Bachelor #3” right now. He is cooking a special dinner tonight for her at his place. It is serious and he asked to meet us parents months ago, and we both liked him a lot. She is now 28.</p>
<p>P.S. Her younger brother, on the other hand, was chosen by a high school classmate (would never have made the first move himself) and has now been dating her for over five years. They are both now college seniors. He has never dated anyone else.
Different strokes for different folks.</p>
<p>No need to rush this stuff, IMO. Relax, it works out. I am glad that D was able to focus on herself before getting too distracted by romantic relationships.</p>
<p>Didn’t even occur to me that today is Valentine’s Day, but maybe it was a little subliminal prod.
Both of mine are at approx 2/3 female colleges and probably heading for female-dominated occupations, so will probably have to look elsewhere, or be blessed with lucky chance encounters.</p>
<p>OP, you need to talk to LongPrime! :D</p>
<p>I think my S was a bit of a late bloomer, although he played things so close to the vest it was hard to tell. He had some summer romances while away at summer programs in HS, but never actually dated in HS and didn’t go to any proms. He has had one significant girlfriend in college that I know of, and some other relationships. He’s not awkward around girls, but he is picky, and somewhat reserved by nature. He has some long term female friends from HS.</p>
<p>D is 23 and has only one semi-serious relationship. She will be going to grad school in the Fall, and in regards to one where she has been accepted, she said she is happy that there will be 10,000 grad students because she wants to date.</p>
<p>S dated a fare amount, but only married last July at 30. His wife is 36. First marriage for both.</p>
<p>performersmom, is there any strain in your daughters’ relationship with each other over the difference in their social lives? Especially since your younger one jumped the line, so to speak.
I’ll have to check out the LongPrime perspective.</p>
<p>D1 (21) had a boyfriend all through junior high and high school and has not really dated at all in college. S2 (20) has tons of girls that are friends, but aside from a one week relationship the first week at college, he has not dated. I feel like he is setting his sights “super model” high, and overlooking the super nice girls who seem to be interested in him. S3 (16) has gone on a few dates with a super nice girl, but they go to different schools and are both ridiculously busy (which might be a good thing).</p>
<p>OP between you and Consolation you have described my two sons. (Although they are boys interested in girls.) The big news is that this afternoon, for the first time EVER, S1 who is 22, mentioned that he had a date tonight – didn’t tell me her name, but did say it someone he knows from school. I suggested that if he was looking for something to do they could go see The Artist. He said they had seen it together, she loved it, he hated it. So I now know it is not even his first date. </p>
<p>I agree with JEM – no need to rush this stuff. I never had a date until I was 25, married the second man I ever dated, and we have been married now for 27 years. Things work out</p>
<p>Interesting thread. S2, who’s 21, hasn’t had a real dating relationship, as far as I know. He hangs out with his friends and seems OK with that for now. I know he asked a girl out when he had a summer internship, but she turned him down. I don’t know if he’s asked anyone else out since.</p>
<p>My daughter seems to be. She’s a junior in HS, and has had a total of 2 dates, which she initiated. She’s actually very good-looking, gifted, and somewhat geeky, which probably makes some guys insecure. However, she has told me that one of the reasons she does not want to apply to Wellesley (a school I think would be a great fit for her) or any women’s college is because she is hoping to meet some intelligent guys who don’t mind a good argument.</p>
<p>It is my impression – and that of one of my kids – that highly academic young people are often later bloomers in terms of dating than their less academic peers. Some of them even look physically less mature in high school. </p>
<p>I have no explanation for this.</p>
<p>We had a rule in our house that the girls couldn’t date until they were 16. D1 never complained. She didn’t date while she was in HS, except for prom dates. D2 is 4.5 years younger. When she was in the middle school, she said to me, “You know by the time I am 16, all good guys would have been taken.” My kids were doomed to become old maids because of us.</p>
<p>D1 didn’t start dating until 19, now in a long term relationship (age 22). D2, at 18, is still blaming us for her single status.</p>
<p>I think a key here is whether the kid is happy enough being single. My ds1 is so I’m not going to sweat it. In fact, when he was home for Christmas, I asked him whether he regretted not dating in HS, and he said no. That surprised me, because I LOVED dating (ahem, lots) in HS. But ds1’s social needs have always been on the low side. He’s really happy being who he is. It’s nice. Of course, it won’t get me grandkids, but I’ve got years to worry about that. ;)</p>
<p>lololu, thanks for your own life story in the nutshell - very hopeful for our kids.</p>
<p>Agree that the key is whether the kid is happy, but I know it’s an issue for D1, even though she gets on with life. Younger one says “I’d love to find a boyfriend but (sister) should go first” (she’s not finding one at the moment anyway). Each has had either one or two instances in which she told a guy she was interested, but it wasn’t reciprocated. Brave of them, though.</p>
<p>D1 had a short (6 week?) relationship in sophomore year of HS, then nothing until freshman year of college. Around winter break she started mentioning a boy more often, and he has been her significant other since shortly after break. He is a GREAT guy, and I couldn’t be happier for them. Pretty sure they are in it for the long haul, they seem made for each other.</p>
<p>D2 is a HS junior and prefers girls. She said just today that “dating in high school has WAY too much drama associated with it”, and she has no intention of doing it. She says maybe she will start in college. :)</p>
<p>Neither of my kids dated in high school. D had a long-term relationship in college, but that ended when they graduated. She’s now 23 and has been dating someone for a few months. S is a sophomore, about to turn 20. He has lots of women friends, and has been on a few dates, but no real relationships yet. He was a late bloomer physically: he was 5’ tall in 8th grade, didn’t really start growing until 10th grade, and still has a young-looking face (although he’s now 5’11"+). I think it’s only now that he’s gotten to the point where he’s ready for a girlfriend.</p>
<p>The standards of “late-blooming” being illustrated here is far younger than what I’ve observed is normal in the NE urban areas and even more so at my NYC urban public magnet. Most of my classmates’ parents strongly discouraged dating due to fears it would be a great “distraction” from the respectable/elite college or bust or for the top 1/4 of the class…HYPSMC/Ivy or bust. </p>
<p>That combined with the overwhelming academic workload, ECs, community/volunteering, long commutes, lack of disposable income, and a single-minded respectable/elite college or bust mentality among most of us bordering on obsessiveness meant that high school dating was not only a non-priority, but also disdained as “frivolous” by most of the popular kids(a.k.a. top 15-25% kids). To illustrate how obsessive we were…our junior prom was canceled due to a complete lack of student interest. </p>
<p>There was also a bit of a stigma against high school dating as it was also viewed by many not only as “not knowing one’s priorities”, but also associated with young marriages…which most of us associated with the religious fundamentalists or those from rundown inner-city/rural areas of the US. </p>
<p>The latter was especially key as many of us came from those areas within NYC and were trying to escape that very fate…especially considering some of us had siblings who became teen parents. We figured…dating and everything else that comes with it can wait until we’re safely admitted to college at the very least…or sometimes even later.</p>