As deadlines approach

Parent Cafe
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<p>As deadlines approach for ED and scholarship apps at certain other schools (Emory and others) I find myself a little melancholy thinking about all the doors that are closing that at one time I thought my D might want to walk through. Some of the opportunities that she has chosen not to pursue seemed very inviting to me but I know- it’s not about me or what I want. </p>

<p>I spent some time on an Emory thread and it really reminded me that long ago I had bragged about Emory to my daughter. It was the jewel ,along with Davidson, of her first big college trip. Spring of sophomore year. She never hit it off with Emory. Never gave it a fair chance is what I would have said if anybody had asked me. But of course, nobody asked me. </p>

<p>For you vets out there , as you watched scholarship and application doors shut - did you feel a twinge at the missed opportunities and a bunch of “what if” flutters? Not applying ED to a super-selective and not applying for Emory scholars are two such doors . On the 1st , they are adios. And I’ve got the twinges and flutters.</p>

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<p>Cur:</p>

<p>Although my S is wonderfully happy 15mns from home, often I wonder about all the other schools where I think he would also have been happy, including some that have better weather (according to me). I, though, not he, also wondered throughout November, about all those doors that had closed. Can you detect that I am an indecisive shopper? In the end, though, he could only attend one college.
Is your D applying EA or ED?</p>

3

<p>Curmudgeon, Actually I more often get the willies of opportunity lost had things not turned out so well than the twinge of regret. My nightmare is more along the lines of “what if he hadn’t applied ED, hadn’t been accepted?” than what if he had gone in another direction. </p>

<p>His ED choice, though in retropsect is just about perfect, wasn’t so obvious at the time. He had doubts. I had fewer reservations, but it did seem like a big decision based on so little information.</p>

<p>As far as a lingering sense of “couda been a contender” at the favored super-selective ivy, I classify that whimsy as one of those questions we’re happier not knowing the answer to.</p>

<p>I can tell you with all sincerity that for the last two years we’ve got together with about two dozen or so highschool classmates of my son’s who are home for the holidays and with only ONE exception, they are all thriving and loving their choices, and these are kids who had lots of choices! Come Christmas 2006 your daughter’s going to be beaming about her school. You just can’t read the name yet in your crystal ball, but you will.</p>

4

<p>Chill, cur. Your daughter is going to do great. And you will be happy in the end that you let her make the decisions. </p>

<p>I found that the “opportunities” that my son didn’t pursue (an early application to Kenyon for scholarships comes to mind - we have a long family history there and I just felt bad knowing it was not going to be a choice for him without good scholarship money) he has given NO THOUGHT to since.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

5

<p>This was not an issue for us. The school that was my daughter’s top choice does not do ED and we knew that their decision would be one of the last that we received. She did not even consider applying to any binding ED programs.</p>

<p>While some doors may be shut in a few days, perhaps they will not be deadbolted. I do not know of any school that fills its entire class from ED applicants, and I have heard of several instances where schools came up with scholarship money for a strong applicant with demonstrated need even though the financial aid deadline had nominally passed. Maybe it will help if you think of this as “doing it the hard way” rather than missing an opportunity entirely.</p>

<p>Weenie is right, by the way. Take his advice and chill. My daughter did not get into her top choice, but she is quite happy where she wound up. Possibly happier than she would have been at her top choice. Best of luck to you both.</p>

6

<p>Curmudgeon, I know exactly what you mean, but first let me say…“don’t let the quest for perfection prevent you from recognizing the good.” I’m sure that your D’s choices are filled with lots of wonderful options. She may like them better than you do.</p>

<p>In my case, the regret for d #3 is that I think she would flourish at a small school with attentive professors. She can’t see that and doesn’t want that at all. She is not applying to anything smaller than 3,500 and several are 15,000 students. I think (well, not think, I KNOW) that I am right about the small school environment, but because of HER preconceptions, she would resent her 4 years at a small school, always thinking that somewhere else would have been better. I did not make her apply anywhere, but I do keep mentioning some of these small LAC gems. WHich she hates hearing.</p>

<p>I think what you are dealing with (aside from parents knowing what’s best but kids not accepting that) is the bittersweet realization that these seniors are at points in their lives where their choices will lead to lots of doors/pathways closing forever (and don’t forget also new ones opening!) For most high schoolers, the choices have been fairly vast up until this age. Now limitations and what ifs arise and it’s hard to watch that with your own child, especially if you think that the shutting of certain doors sounds very loudly and with finality. Hope you will still be posting when she brings home the future fiance–want to hear about your twinges and flutters then!</p>

7

<p>The biggest “what if” moment I clearly recall: dropping all those envelopes into the mailbox after all was said and done, those ones that tell the places he isn’t going, thanks but no thanks, so and so college beat you out. In a way it was bittersweet, finally doing the rejecting but still, what if it isn’t the right choice?</p>

<p>As others have said dollars to donuts it’ll all turn out fine. As soon as you see they’re happy you find other things to worry about.</p>

<p>Curmudgeon, an interesting corollary down the line…these crossroads moments…when you have a talented kid, like your D, they declare their major(s) and then become…something. Which means they can’t be something else. My son just graduated and is happy as a clam. I couldn’t be happier but he had the makings to be a great lawyer, probably would’ve made a terrific doctor, on and on. So yeah, that kind of thinking goes on.</p>

8

<p>First off, I laugh when I read “Cur” as an abbreviation for Curmudgeon, it is affectionate and obnoxious at the same time. How CC??</p>

<p>Second…we did not pursue scholarships…our lack of savy in the area of financial aid, merit aid etc was my personal greatest regret when all was said and done. I know I said that in one of my posts a year or so ago. We both work, we expected nothing, we got 1 small stipend from my company…$2K a year…</p>

<p>Our state university offered $10K a year… I always loved knowing that was an option if something dramatic had changed our financial situation (ie death in the family etc)…I also know that my child was enthused to think that someone would pay him to go to their school. </p>

<p>There are many schools that pay National Merit Scholars, full rides, but few kids really are aware of this until they find out they are finalists and often it is too late to maximize this venue of funding. </p>

<p>For me, my twinges and flutters were about my child applying EA to Yale…I was convinced that it took an act of God to get in…in a good year, the year he applied, was the year that they switched to EA from ED and so the # of apps increased dramatically. I spent a lot of my political capital with my son encouraging him to love every school on his list…to have a range of options…I prayed for a Middlebury and Bowdoin acceptance because I thought they were reasonable options and he would be lucky to go to those schools. </p>

<p>Understand the extent to which I was convinced Yale was not in his future…I visited Stanford, Cal Tech (1 mtg in Boston, 1 on-site campus visit), UCLA, Pomona, UC Santa Barbara, Berkeley, Middlebury, Williams (3 times) Dartmouth, Bowdoin, MIT, U Maine, Colby, Bates, Amherst…
I did NOT visit Yale…my H took him a few days before XMAS junior year…so, my twingers and flutters were all about was our list tooo top heavy…how do I encourage him to love every school…</p>

<p>fast forward, my twinges and flutters are about the tuition payments, but I have no doubts that this was great for my kid…and his ability to have Yale in common with his D, my H, is priceless to me. It was a win, win for my family…</p>

<p>I think I justify the lack of scholarship with the belief that our home will appreciate, over 4 years, the exact amt we need to borrow. </p>

<p>Let go and let God guide your family…remember, I went to a state school in NY…and we all ended up with great jobs, good lives, and none of my friends (about a dozen of us have stayed in touch for 30 yrs now) have been divorced. All are still in their original marriage. It is not a statistic that schools track…but, I remain proud of that aspect of my college experience. My H cannot say that about all of his friends. </p>

<p>Don’t know that my perspective is helpful or not…but, you are not alone is feeling sad about doors shutting…about the twinges and flutters… remember, the only thing in your life you can control is YOUR attitude. </p>

<p>There is ALWAYS graduate school, you lucky dog you! I suspect she will have more schooling in front of her because of her scientific bent.</p>

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<p>mp (jk!) : “I think I justify the lack of scholarship with the belief that our home will appreciate, over 4 years, the exact amt we need to borrow.”</p>

<p>What a wonderful way to look at it. Sadly the real estate bubble appears to be bursting here, or at least slightly leaking, but I hope you’re right. </p>

<p>A regret I have now with 2 recent college grads…why didn’t I buy a house near their colleges? At least I’m consistent in missing all opportunities that could make my life financially easier.</p>

10

<p>Cur,</p>

<p>I think your feelings are in part an artefact of how thoroughly you have researched and architected this process. </p>

<p>The image that comes to mind is that college admissions is a game board that you design. Then when your kid plays it, there’s a sigh of what if as they pass Ice Cream Floats or Lollipop Lane and don’t land there. You know what those places mean, the person actually playing the game doesn’t have the same investment.</p>

<p>Just remember for your D it IS Candyland.</p>

11

<p>I’ll take my cue from Momrath. Things worked out so well with what did come down the pike that there aren’t any misgivings. She’s having a better experience where she is than she would have at any of the three HYPSM schools she applied and didn’t get in to and it was pretty obvious that was the case for two of them by the time she made her decision. </p>

<p>I think that it’s important to remember that every “bridesmaid” school for one student is the perfect school for another and vice versa. </p>

<p>Being slightly obsessive, I even considered LAC’s that my D didn’t apply to, wondering if somehow she had missed a better boat. Nope. Better off where she is than had she gone to Swat, Amherst, or Vassar and I can tell you the why of it from her perspective for every school on this hypothetical list.</p>

<p>My only regret is that her chosen school didn’t throw more money at her. Otoh, I’m relieved that a couple of other schools <em>didn’t</em> throw more money at her, complicating the choice. Fortunately, she avoided some temptations by not even applying…I think we were all on the same page that as enticing as they were from a financial perspective, they were just a horrible fit <em>for her</em>. (Though I try to squeeze my brain through considering spending four years in Norman, Oklahoma, and the only words that come to mind are “exit visa.”)</p>

12

<p>curmudgeon,</p>

<p>I will be the contrarian… If there is a particular school that you feel your D has thoughtlessly or unfairly rejected that could be a great $ and academic place for her, why not ask her apply as a “just in case”? </p>

<p>OTOH if you are sure her list is adequate to bring lots of options in April and you are just picking a scab, don’t do this-- but if you feel in your heart she might very well regret the closing of this door, I see no harm in bringing it up.</p>

<p>This happened with us with Smith-- which I always thought was a much better place for my D than a huge UC. I knew that if she had a coed option more exciting than Smith she would pick it, but I also knew that Smith was a likely admit for her and had EVERYTHING else (besides boys) that she wanted. That’s how I pitched it-- I know you won’t pick this school over X,Y, & Z, but wouldn’t you like it for an option against P,Q, & R? </p>

<p>In the end she did apply. The common app makes the last minute add easy-- just the fee to worry about and the “Why X?” essay supplement. </p>

<p>It turned out lucky for D, and we did not “need” Smith. However, I would do the same again. The one course now giving her fits at the LAC she is attending is her “big huge lecture” course. I KNEW this sort of system would not suit her learning style, and it doesn’t. She actually said to me when we were comiserating recently, “Oh Mom, can you imagine me at a huge UC, with 4 out of 4 classes like this?!” </p>

<p>Sometimes Mother knows best… and sometimes so does Dad. You know whether your inner voice is a valid warning light or whether you are just torturing yourself. Proceed accordingly.</p>

13

<p>We’re going through the same thing, Curmudgeon. D has already submitted her applications for her two top choices, but has yet to apply to her safety.<br>
“Do I have to apply there, Mom?”
“No, you certainly don’t, but you have to apply somewhere as a safety.”
<em>Lots of groaning</em> “Okay, I guess I’ll do it this weekend.”
Having visited numerous schools, it came down to the two to which she has applied. That makes me nervous, but she’s determined to go to one of those two schools. As you know, there was one school where I had truly envisioned her going. After her overnight visit there, she removed it completely from her list. I have to believe that she knows what she’s doing. As so many before me have said, things will work out just fine. Each time I feel myself getting nervous, I just think about the process almost being behind us. Keep your chin up and know that your D is very capable and will do well wherever she goes! No regrets!</p>

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<p>Curmudge, these feelings are going to come back to you over and over during the next year - until she finally calls home as a freshman truly excited, or as someone said Christmas 2006. The secret is - SHE won’t feel that way, she may have a few what ifs at decision time, or immediately thereafter, but she’s not having them now.
It’s a perspective thing, we see all the opportunities, the pros and cons, we can even visualize them at 20, as a happy college student, and conceive of some of the ways they will change, because we have been there. We see the pros and cons differently, because in some ways we know better what is and isn’t important, because we have been college students before.
The problem with that line of thinking is that it is important to their growth and development to go through the process of discovering that some of the things they thought were very appealing about their school, isn’t so important after all. Doesn’t mean they won’t love the school, they probably will as long as they don’t make a drastic career change, and have put some thought into the process, it’s just part of learning.</p>

<p>I still feel little parts of my daughter would have been happier at Duke or Davidson, and other little parts would have been happier at Swarthmore, and it would have been really amazing if she had done EA at Yale and made it, BUT she is becoming more at home everyday of frosh year, and changing and growing, and I really think she made a great choice for the person she is at 18, to help grow to 21.</p>

<p>Oh and today is her 18th birthday - Woo-Hoo! Happy Birthday Greensleeves (sorry for the hijack)</p>

15

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<p>This is my big problem with ED for most kids. I AM an indecisive shopper for any big purchase (cars, houses, colleges, etc) because I feel the need to research compulsively until I understand every facet of the decision. For S1, there were many factors that could not be known in November, so I could only live with EA – and the comfort of his first few acceptances made the rest of the year liveable.</p>

<p>We started out in the fall of his senior year with a list of 34 schools, so I didn’t feel that there were any reasonable choices that he hadn’t considered. But in the winnowing process, he had to “close doors” as it were, and for some schools, that made me sad. We did end up allowing him to apply to 14, which was way too many (especially safeties – compulsive mom again), but I’d rather he close those doors for real in April, not January. The frenetic pace of his senior year, and the management issues involved in so many apps, meant that it was easier to be a little hard-hearted when we really scratched one off the list. There was usually a similar school that remained on the list, but had slightly better attributes for him.</p>

<p>We didn’t force him to do too many scholarship apps, since he didn’t fall into any of the categories for which many of them were targeted (low-income, athlete, heavy community service component.) Having looked at possible scholarship options, I concluded that his best bet was merit aid from a college that really wanted him. This served our purposes best, although he ended up at a school which only offers need-based aid.</p>

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<p>This quotation reflects my sentiments. It’s easier to decide against a particular school once you’ve been accepted. But who knows what might change in a student’s life between now and next fall? I vote for a few extra apps for peace of mind. The extra money won’t seem like much in a few years – especially when you start getting all those tuition bills – and the possiblities that a few extra schools present can be worth it.</p>

<p>Finally, I just had to go with the flow, and assume that what was meant to be, would be. H was much more sanquine about the whole process, but his work requires many difficult decisions constantly, and he wasn’t as wrapped up in the process as I was. I know S1 would turn out fine wherever he went to college, but I must confess that I took it as something of a “final exam” of my child-rearing skills. I think I passed!</p>

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<p>Yep, been there. Son refused to consider HYPSM. It didn’t bother me that he wouldn’t apply - it was his reasoning - he wouldn’t apply BECAUSE they were HYPSM. He considered Amherst, Williams, Brown, etc…wound up at Penn on an ED app. But, it just irked me that he was being so stubborn in not giving an HYPSM a shot because he wanted to play devil’s advocate and flip the script of applying BECAUSE they are HYPSM. (actually M wouldn’t have been a good fit - but Stanford???). He’s such a rebel - wonder here he got that ;)</p>

<p>Anyway, with regard to maturing and mind changing: When Sept of this year rolled around and it was time to go, I asked if he was nervous. He said “no, should I be?” I said I guessed he might be more nervous if he was headed somewhere like H…and he said, with a tone of sarcasm, “yeah, I would be nervous because I would wonder about myself and why I didn’t stick to my plan”</p>

<p>Don’t feel badly, Cur. When September rolls around and she sets off on HER mission, as she has designed it, on her own terms, you’ll know you’ve done well. It’s really the best gift you can give. You’ll know what I’m saying next year…when you go visit her at HER school - the one she chose…even if you don’t 100% agree. It’s important where she goes; but what’s equally as important is how she got there.</p>

<p>I can totally relate to you wanting her to go for as much as she can, which is really a simple concept. Could it be that their minds are more complex and they think more deeply? My S made a decision with a bigger picture in mind than I had. In retrospect, his rebellion against the establishment is proof that he is ready for college - not a sign of needing to mature. Think deeply, Cur. Head on over to Sinner’s Alley and have a beer :)</p>

17

<p>Curmudgeon, I had this experience last week. S2’s school asked him if he was interested in being nominated for Jefferson Scholar at UVa. (Much excitement!!! Something new to consider, WOW!!)</p>

<p>No, he wasn’t. He is adamant no large schools, not even in special programs. (Retirement fund whimpers pathetically)</p>

<p>But, we do trust him–he seems to know himself pretty well. We’ll see.</p>

18

<p>“Oh and today is her 18th birthday - Woo-Hoo! Happy Birthday Greensleeves (sorry for the hijack)”</p>

<p>Missed this on my first read through - Happy Birthday Greensleeves! 18!</p>

19

<p>Cangel,</p>

<p>Happy birthday to your lovely daughter K, from Emily’s mom and dad!</p>

20

<p>Regardless of what your d. decides, the school she ends up attending will be different in some ways from what she thought it would be. Might be better, might be worse - and might be a combination of both. I know (just as an example) we had one unhappy surprise (a totally mismatched roommate who didn’t last 30 days), and a bunch of unexpected happier ones (much more mentoring, opportunities, and individual attention to her specific needs and aspiration that we had never imagined - and which they had not promised.)</p>

<p>I think once you’ve got the agreed-upon financial thing going with your d., and your miminum requirements, you’ve really got to let her do the heavy-lifting. She might even make a bad choice (not likely, but it happens), and then the two of you will pick up the pieces, re-strategize, and make it right.</p>