<p>Well, before we get scientific based on “many,” or all hot under the collar about perceived slamming, let’s just breathe. OP raised an interesting question. Sorry to see it meld into anger.</p>
<p>Personally, I wouldn’t use the term “slut slamming,” as it is one of those terms that is intended to have a tough bark and serves to perpetuate use of the term “slut.” Pejorative. Kind of like dissing people by saying they are N-bashing- repeating it for the power is repeating it, using it.</p>
<p>Not only assault victims but sexual harassment victims. If you’ve never seen the show What Would You Do?, go look it up. They did a scenario where they had an actor portraying the male manager at a restaurant sexually harass an actress who was playing the hostess. They used two different women dressed differently. The first was dressed normally. If not every, almost every time someone told him to cut it out. One guy even told her he’d give her a job if she walked out right then. The second was dressed in a tight-fitting red dress. Knee length skirt, but body-hugging tight (she had the body to rock it). People were far more reluctant to stand up for her. Men, women, a lot said she t was asking for it the way she dressed. Even when they had her put a sweater on (the dress was sleeveless but not strapless), people didn’t want to get involved and blamed her for the harassment. One of the women even said, “She was asking for it.”</p>
<p>Video: [‘What</a> Would You Do?’: Would You Stop Sexual Harassment at Diner? - YouTube](<a href=“'What Would You Do?': Would You Stop Sexual Harassment at Diner? - YouTube”>'What Would You Do?': Would You Stop Sexual Harassment at Diner? - YouTube)</p>
<p>I don’t think any of us are denying that a lot of women (and men) who are sexually assaulted are blamed for it by others. I think that’s a wholly different issue than what we were talking about earlier in the thread though.</p>
<p>Lets imagine a 28 year old woman who has never been married or engaged. She doesn’t attend religious services of any kind. In fact, her parents are agnostic and she wasn’t exposed to any particular religious beliefs as a child. She has never had sex because she just hasn’t met anyone she cared that much about. Now, imagine another 28 year old woman. She has had 2 “serious” romantic relationships. The first was in college. The second was when she was 24 or 25. She lived with the young man she was involved with for about a year. They decided it wasn’t going to work out long term so they broke up. She had sex with both the young men–and only these 2 men.</p>
<p>A 30 year old man with some sexual experience, also completely non-religious, meets both of these young women. For some reason, after a few dates with each, he finds out the sexual history of these two young women.</p>
<p>Which do you think he’s more likely to want to see again? Do you think their prior sexual experience would be something he’d take into account in deciding to pursue the relationship? Of course, it depends upon the man…but what percentage of men do you think would think a) it doesn’t matter one way or the other b) he’d prefer the woman with no prior sexual experience c) he’d prefer the woman with prior sexual experience.</p>
<p>Id say that most people would say that whether or not they share a similar level of sexual experience, what is most important is being on the same page re: expectations.
Is their body clock tickng? Do they want a relationship that comes second to their job?
Are they just looking to kill time until their next assignment?</p>
<p>Then people are probably most comfortable with someone who has at least some history, by your late 20’s, I would say most people have had at least one serious relationship.
If I was interested in someone in that age bracket ( eewww)and they hadn’t, that would raise some questions,that perhaps could be explained away, but it would still raise an eyebrow.
But if you really like someone, their history doesn’t matter as much as how you each view the future.</p>
<p>Asexuality is rather complicated. It can range from a person who just has a very low sex drive to a person who has no drive and actually feels repulsed by sex. I’ve known one woman who has the second type and I would believe her. She can’t even stand people talking about sex around her because she starts to feel nauseated.</p>
<p>Physiological responses can have psychological roots.</p>
<p>^^^^^^^^^Definitely.</p>
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<p>Hmm, I wonder how true that is. I have never done a study on it, nor have I read one, but I do know that as a nurse in a cardiology unit, one of the first questions my geriatric patients (male and female) would ask me after a heart attack was “when can I resume sexual relations?” Sometimes an elder has a partner who has low libido or who simply cannot perform. Often this person will become “asexual” simply as a reaction to their situation. If it’s cheat or just live without it, they live without it and come to be okay with it. Perhaps it’s a bit of “use it or lose it.” And others have lost their partners, and with that, the desire to have sex.</p>
<p>Then, there is the other side. A family member is a member of a geriatric “dating club” and let me tell you, those folks have definitely not lost interest in sex. ;)</p>
<p>I agree the sexual assault/harassment issue is totally different. OF COURSE either of those is a horrible, evil thing to do that can never and should never be excused by what a woman was wearing or what her sexual history is. I would never blame the victim, even if she was walking around naked in the worst part of town, and I have actually even expressed on some threads here that I feel too many excuses are being made in some of these cases for the perps. I have a very tough stance on this issue. </p>
<p>However, that’s not what we are talking about. Basically, what myself and other people are saying is that if you are celibate you better either 1. Never mention it or 2. Be willing to become the subject of gossip, being labeled as ‘weird’, disrespect, and all the consequences that come with that. I don’t even really care about what people think, but I do think it can have real life consequences. </p>
<p>I notice that a lot of people talking about how they never witness celibate people being disrespected are younger, in college or talking about their high school experience. Maybe that’s the key. In college, I also felt there were more nonjudgmental people, probably because there were quite a few people who weren’t sexually active yet - it wasn’t that uncommon. The older I get though, the more I see this change. I feel that people become more disrespectful and see it as more ‘weird’ as celibate people become the minority for that age group. That’s no surprise, right, people tend to be closed - minded about things that are not the ‘norm’. </p>
<p>As for not talking about it, yes, that’s an option. However, maybe I am the only one who has encountered this issue (doubt it), but people talk about sex a lot (and a lot more than appropriate in work environments, which, in my opinion is not the place for such discussions). It’s nothing particularly graphic or awful, but it’s everything from talking about who they would want to sleep with (movie stars, not coworkers) to innuendos about going on a trip with a boyfriend or Valentine’s day. Yes, I choose to not engage, as I do feel it would negatively effect me if I made my choices public, and I very much need my job. I think being the subject of office talk is not good for anyone’s career. However, I feel something is wrong with this situation. It’s not that I particularly want to talk about my personal choices with people - I would rather people leave these conversations for their friends, but I don’t think I should feel like I have to hide my choices especially when someone else is trying to engage me in these conversations (pretty rude and unprofessional, but I do find that, once at a certain level of comfort, same gender coworkers do start discussing these things). My whole point is that celibate people should no more have to keep their choices hidden than gay people, and I want younger people to know they have nothing to be ashamed of.</p>
<p>Also, as someone else up thread, I too am disturbed by the undertones of obtaining from sex being a psychological issue or asexuality being a psychological issue. It reminds me too of when homosexuality was considered a disease, and I find that disturbing.</p>
<p>Actually I haven’t ever heard of a celibate person being denied custody of their children, being fired from their job or denies housing because of their lack of sexual relations.</p>
<p>I * have heard *of homosexuals being denied the above.
In Florida a woman lost custody of her pre- teen daughter because she was gay.
Custody was awarded to her exhusband who was a confessed killer.</p>
<p><a href=“http://www.nytimes.com/1996/08/31/us/lesbian-loses-court-appeal-for-custody-of-daughter.html[/url]”>http://www.nytimes.com/1996/08/31/us/lesbian-loses-court-appeal-for-custody-of-daughter.html</a></p>
<p>I didnt say that being celibate w a disease & no one else has either.
However, when someone has a physical response- like becoming sick to their stomach, because of what someone else is * talking about?<a href=“assuming%20it%20isn’t%20graphically%20violent”>/i</a>
Convince me that is just a difference of " orientation" and not something that needs a therapist.</p>
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<p>It’s very easy to misinterpret “tone” in the written word.</p>
<p>I am not saying it’s anywhere near as severe or horrible as it was and still is for gay people. However, I absolutely believe that a person, especially a man, but a woman too, could easily be passed for a promotion if they were openly celibate without a “good reason”.</p>
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<p>There is a difference between someone “abstaining” from sex and getting nauseated when others even mention sex. It would seem that someone who is asexual, who simply has no interest or attraction to others, would feel nothing at all when others discuss sex. Being repulsed to the point of nausea by even a conversation about it would seem to go quite beyond disinterest, and I think it is a legitimate possibility that this person’s physical symptoms may be have psychological roots. Just because someone may have a psychological issue does not mean they have a disease, and I don’t think anyone has suggested such a thing.</p>
<p>People seem to have no trouble believing that the mind can influence health when say, one reports “my friend had such a positive attitude! She was a fighter, and believed in her cure from the beginning, and the doctors think it definitely impacted her recovery.” The same person might become highly offended if there is any implication that their body might also be negatively influenced by one’s emotions or the psyche. “How DARE you suggest my illness is not real! What are saying, that I’m crazy?” And the placebo effect is one fascinating phenomenon, in my opinion.</p>
<p>As a nurse, I learned that just because a symptom, a series of symptoms, an illness, or condition might have psychological origins does not mean it is not legitimate, that it does not require treatment, and that its symptoms are not very very real.</p>
<p>The mind has to potential to impact the body in a myriad of ways.</p>
<p>Emeraldkity, I wasn’t necessarily referring to that woman’s story (there were other comments about how asexual people may need to be checked out by a doctor), but even there, I feel we don’t really know all the details, like maybe something bad happening to her.</p>
<p>Nrdsb4, I understand what you are trying to say, and as you said yourself sometimes it’s hard to read the tone of some of the comments.</p>
<p>acollegestudent, if I were asexual in a world full of sexual beings, the first thing I would want to know is if there were any physical causes. The reason being that there are ABSOLUTELY physical reasons for a person feeling no interest in sex, hormonal disturbances being one of them. I don’t think it is at all out of line to suggest that someone who verbalizes that they are asexual should get checked out just to make sure that their bodies are working normally. I did know just such a person. When she was diagnosed and her hormones were balanced, she was immensely relieved and happy, particularly so because she was in love with a man who wanted to share a sexual relationship with her. If physical causes are ruled out, then sure, the person may feel vindicated and perfectly happy with their state of being. A family member had been sexually assaulted but never told anyone. She would be wracked with fear and anxiety at the prospect of dating anyone to the point of nausea and insomnia, sweating, and headaches. Once she finally told someone about this event, they were able to address her PTSD. This is clearly someone with physical symptoms with psychological roots who was not diseased or mentally ill, but dealing with a legitimate problem. </p>
<p>If it were my child who declared she was asexual, I wouldn’t want to just make the assumption that she was asexual vs. hormonally imbalanced. And if something in her past had influenced this vs. this is just how she rolls, I think it would be essential to know and address that as well.</p>
<p>I do understand what you are saying. Also, not being asexual, I don’t know exactly when/how they know or what they feel. Logically, all you say makes sense. However, I do think there is a danger where truly asexual people will get labeled as someone who can be ‘cured’ and just refuses help. Again, I get what you are saying - it’s just a fine line to walk.</p>
<p>^^^^Yes, I agree. But we do see a lot of those fine lines in life. We still have to address them. But I have been appalled when I hear about “clinics” which purport to “cure” homosexuality. So I’m sure the same trauma could be inflicted upon an asexual person if not dealt with sensitivity and an open mind.</p>
<p>People are “wired differently.” There are a lot of people on the Autism spectrum, or Highly Sensitive People who, in general, do not enjoy being touched. What is pleasurable to some may be overly intense, irritating, or even painful to others. Think of it as you would different preferences for other sensory experiences–spicy foods, for example, or thrill-seeking hobbies like sky-diving. It is hard to understand why someone else might not enjoy or seek out what you think is the greatest thing on earth.
People also have widely different feelings about the level of intimacy required for a sexual relationship. Some do not relate well to stereotypical gender roles (girly-girls/macho men) and wonder why adults can’t just be “human” instead of having sexual undertones in any exchange/relationship with someone of the opposite sex. Fine if they want to call themselves asexual. I suspect that many of them aren’t completely asexual–they just have different limits on their sexuality than the majority, and need the right partner to make it happen.</p>
<p>I agree about the clinics that purport to cure homosexuality.
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But our bodies are mostly wired to insure continuation of species, which would explain why we mostly act heterosexual, at least around the prime childbearing ages.
However, I think sexuality is a spectrum, and we move along the spectrum as we go through life depending on what is happening inside & outside us at the time.</p>
<p>I understood asexuality to be uninterested in sexual contact. Instead of being interested or repulsed by tales of sexuality, rather just completely uninterested.</p>
<p>My daughter for instance has anosmia. It means she has no sense of smell.
But people still stick things under her nose for her to smell.
She just smiles and nods.
She isnt interested in smells, she doesnt understand them. But do I just accept that, and dont look for a cause or a cure of her anosmia?
Is it just the way she is made, or can her health be improved by figuring out and treating the cause?</p>
<p>I believe people when they say they are asexual. Even if they are 20 & are adamant that they always will feel the same way they do now.
Will they believe * me* when I say I know people who were equally asexual at 20, but were homosexual at 25 and were heterosexual at 30? Perhaps it is about what is going on inside & outside that counts.</p>
<p>Twenty yrolds need to learn to be broader minded, and accept that life is fluid and pronouncements made today, may be rescinded next week.</p>