<p>Danielle, Time has not changed since when I was a teenager but I think that we expect less of teens now. We expect and accept that they won’t commit and think it’s kind of cute. But it’s not. It’s disrespectful of the people that are willing to say, I think you are important enough to me that I will set aside this time, this day, this plan to meet with you. Once you have one event in place it’s also easier to work around it instead of saying that you can’t commit to something else because you MIGHT be busy. I think it’s sort of egotistical to leave people hanging because it means that if something better comes up you want to be free to do that. Why else wouldn’t you just agree to do something? (my vent for the morning)</p>
<p>My now-19 year old sister just ended a relationship with her now-23 year old boyfriend. They met when they were 17/21 (senior in HS/senior in college) but didn’t actually start dating until she turned 18 (well…that was the goal, anyway). For obvious reasons, the whole family was pretty wary of this set-up. But I do really, truly think that whether or not this kind of situation gap (even more than age gap) is okay depends on the people involved. </p>
<p>My sister had already done college summer school, so she knew college courses, dorm life, living away from home…and her boyfriend lived at home during school, so their situations didn’t differ too extremely. Also, they met at the summer school, where they were on totally equal footing in a very cooperative program (they started dating when he asked her to help with his thesis, because for a 17 year old, she was ridiculously good at what she did). Most importantly, when the two of them started to date, the guy never forgot that she was younger, and was always respectful of it. He got to know the family, he cleared some plans with our parents, he had to bring my sister to the hospital one time and he called my mom regularly throughout the whole ordeal (out of town). He made concessions that not every 22 year old would have been willing to make. In the end, it was age that was a problem. With my sister just starting college, where many of her friends were going to parties and meeting new people and ‘hooking up,’ and with her boyfriend having just graduated, where many of his friends were getting engaged, moving in with each other, settling down, they were finally in too different of places. </p>
<p>As one of the world’s most over-protective big sisters, I’d actually say that dating an older guy was a great thing for my sister. She’s normally the out every night, lots-of-kissing-never-dating, social butterfly type, and I think that in many ways it was good for her to experience something more stable and more adult. Both of my parents recognize that the relationship was a really good thing for her, although no one was ever happy about the age difference. Still, I can’t overemphasize the fact that it was just his personality and her personality (plus the fact that both of them really were aware of their age barriers) that made the situation work as well as it did. It wouldn’t have worked for just anyone…it also wouldn’t have worked if the guy had ignored my sister’s age, or if she had started thinking that she was older than she was, or anything like that.</p>
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<p>Sorry for the unnecessarily detailed background info 
I just wanted to point out that there are exceptions to every rule (and yes, I know that this was an exception). Things that initially look pretty sketchy aren’t always bad. I didn’t get it either, but it worked.</p>
<p>Katie, I agree completely. My parents never let my lack of planning interfere with their activities and before I drove, I would have to find my own ride if they were not given a weeks notice. Also, once a plan is made, it drives me crazy-insane when I get a last minute cancellation… or if someone says they can do something and an hour before you find out that they never communicated with their parents and as a result they are unable to meet me. </p>
<p>Student. Thank you for sharing this story. In terms if the guy in question (whom I have made very clear to that age is too big of a factor), It simply would not work. We are at way different life stages. I am about to go to college, where he hated school and decided to begin working after highschool. Also, I have just learned that he is looking for wedding bells. Which in and of itself makes me shiver with disgust, being merely 17. </p>
<p>Moral of story:the end for him.</p>
<p>kathiep, could not agree more.</p>
<p>kathiep - it looks like we’re all in agreement!</p>
<p>I have another question - for teens and parents - what is your household policy regarding teens and their boyfriends/girlfriends hanging out in bedrooms? At our house, my D has always been allowed to have friends in her bedroom - but my H is totally against allowing her BF to hang out in there - even if there is a small group of people with them. This has just become a big issue because we are having a large crowd here for the holiday and I told D that it would be ok if she, her bf, and cousins went up to her room during downtime. H is flipping out and saying there is no way the bf is allowed in her room. I think that is ridiculous - they are not going to do anything sexual with her cousins in there with them. Plus, it will be good to get the teens out of the way as our house is really going to be overflowing that day. I am just so frustrated and think he is being totally unreasonable. D understands that if they were alone, her bf would not be allowed in her room. I honestly don’t have a problem with them being alone together anyway - but since my H is so insistant, I go along with him most times - it’s just that in this case, his rule seems unnecessary. What do you folks think?</p>
<p>Its never been a problem in my household… or even come up. Ive had guy friends in my room, even with the door closed while my guy friends are sticking out a parent dinner party with me, or discussing a “serious” high school type issue (the kind that do not seem important at all later). Nothing has ever “gone on” in there. Its my room. And its pink. That would be weird.</p>
<p>Thanks for your input, Danielle. Your parents obviously trust you. I trust my D and her BF. My H is just very overprotective - but in this case, I think he is being ridiculous. I can’t say that in front of my kids, but I did tell that to him. At the moment, we are at an impasse - but I’m sure I will get what I want - but it just seems so stupid to waste time arguing about something like this.</p>
<p>Haha, for the record, I think if I had tried to bring certain bfs in there it would not have been a no, it would have been a hell no. Its subjective.</p>
<p>How old is your daughter and her boyfriend, and how long have they been dating?</p>
<p>I personally don’t see the problem with allowing her boyfriend in her room for downtime, especially when they’re with your daughter’s cousins. They’re not going to do anything sexual with family members there. Would your husband allow it if the rule was that the door must stay open? That seems like a win-win to me. </p>
<p>In terms of letting them be alone together in general, I think it depends somewhat on their ages. All couples need time alone together, even if they’re not sexually active. They need to be able to have private conversations together, spend time just with each other, cuddle, and kiss. I’m very much for encouraging young teens to wait to have sex, even if that means making it hard for them to have the privacy to do so, but I think the rules should be a little more lax with older teens. They may be sexually active already, and I doubt they’d have sex with you guys in the house anyway (older teens can find times and places to have sex much more easily than younger teens, so they can be more picky and choosy). </p>
<p>We didn’t have specific rules in my house, but then again I’m a lesbian and my sister didn’t bring her boyfriends home very often. I never had a guy friend alone in my room; the situation just never came up. I had girls in my room both before and after ‘coming out,’ but what are my parents going to do? Prohibit all visitors for a 16 or 17 year old (which was when I came out)? My sister’s relationships were relatively short lived, and when they were at the house together it was only for a little while and with friends. I kept my dating life private, so my parents never faced me bringing home a girl they knew I was dating. My parents are pretty conservative socially, so I think we both just tried to avoid the situation.</p>
<p>My parents are very lax with that policy because they trust me and they trust the people I hang out with to make good decisions. The general rule is that the door stays open but there have been numerous times (during a long distance relationship) that my girlfriend stayed at our house. I mean, I slept on the couch and she took my room but they still went to bed while we were both up and let us keep the door closed while listening to music.</p>
<p>The same situation happened at her house. I took the guest bedroom but if <em>that</em> had been our intent, there would have been no parental interference. This was a couple years ago so about age 16. We had been dating for more than a year.</p>
<p>I would recommend that there just be an open door policy to satisfy your husband. Nothing is going to happen with other people in the room and keeping the door open is a symbolic gesture that there’s no reason to keep the door closed. He’s going a bit overboard.</p>
<p>My view: you can do in a car during school lunch hour anything you can do in your room. </p>
<p>It’s silly to think sex can be controlled with this room prohibition. Teenagers always find places to be alone if they are determined to be alone.</p>
<p>Danielle, you truly crack me up. I can understand why your parents might feel that way after some of the things you’ve said about some of your exes.</p>
<p>Corranged, you always give such well-thought-out responses. My D is 15 and her BF is 17 and they have been together since last March (with a short break). I agree with you about all couples needing some privacy - and I do believe they get that (although not at our house). I do not believe they are sexually active - although I have no way of knowing that for sure. I also realize that it’s probably just a matter of time. They have been together for quite awhile for teenagers, and I do think they really care about each other. In this particular case, I don’t really understand why my H is being so unreasonable. He should know his D well enough to know that she is not going to do anything remotely sexual while her cousins are in the room with her and all of her relatives are downstairs - it is just not the way she would ever act. You would think the open-door thing would be a satisfactory answer, but H actually said there is no way BF is “even going up those stairs!” I’m sure we will work it all out - but I just needed to vent a bit. Thanks for sharing you experiences as well. It sounds like you kept your relationships much more private than D. I actually insisted that she bring her BF here when they first started dating as I think it’s important that we know her friends. This is still her first BF, so we don’t have much experience yet either…lol. Do you ever regret that your family never got to know any of your girlfriends when you were younger? </p>
<p>Ninja - Thanks for sharing your experiences as well. I think sometimes parents tend to be more lax when a long distance relationship is involved. The open-door policy seems to be pretty common. I will suggest that to my husband when he is in a more rational frame of mind. I just can’t believe he had an issue over her having her bf in her bedroom when her cousins will be there. You are exactly right when you say his is going a bit overboard.</p>
<p>My poor parents. They had it so easy with my older brother.</p>
<p>
Well, it just wasn’t very possible for me to be open about any relationships… It still isn’t, given my parents’–mostly my father’s–personal feelings on homosexuality. I don’t regret my parents or family not knowing girls I’ve been with because, frankly, none have been remotely serious. When I was younger there were one or two girls I told my parents about as being friends of mine, but my parents never met them. I do regret the possibility that they may not get to know a serious girlfriend when I do have one who’s important to me, but I figure I can deal with that when it comes up. I’m not really looking for a relationship right now anyway. I think I may be able to ease them into the idea if I have to, but it’s not a phase in our relationship I’m looking forward to. At all. I feel much more regret over the fact that I feel forced to hide aspects of my daily life from my parents, whether that’s mentioning a date I’m going on, a book I’m buying, or a club meeting I’m going to. </p>
<p>I was wondering when I read your first post about this, is it possible your husband has an objection to the bf going to her room that’s not sexual in nature? Does he view the bedroom as a very personal space? Do you two keep your bedroom private? Maybe he’s objecting to the idea of their relationship progressing to such a comfortable level emotionally–if he does, in fact, see her bedroom and the whole upstairs as more personal space–more than he’s objecting because he thinks they’ll engage in sexual activity up there.</p>
<p>I just have to say that parents are pretty amazing. I just found out that my mom has known for over a year that one of my good friends has a rather illegal habit that happens to be very prevalent in the green state of california yet has rightfully trusted my judgement not to be an idiot. Wow.</p>
<p>Danielle - parents tend to know their kids very well. Most of us are well-aware of much of what our kids will and will not do, and we treat them accordingly. I have a lot of faith in my daughter’s judgement, so I trust her to make the right decisions. That doesn’t mean she won’t make some mistakes along the line - but that is all part of growing up. I’m glad you’re parents seem to feel the same way.</p>
<p>Corranged - I am sorry that you aren’t able to be more open with your family regarding relationships and other parts of your life - that has to be difficult for you. It’s good that you haven’t had to deal with a serious relationship yet as you are still young. Although I don’t know your parents, I am sure that when the time comes for them to meet a person who is important to you, they will come around as I am sure they must love you and just want your happiness. I realize that may be hard for you to believe, but I have known other people in your situation, and their parents have all come around (some more quickly than others, I admit). I have also known people with other issues that have caused their families distress (different religions, different races, even different ethnic groups) - and their families eventually accepted their relationships as well. </p>
<p>To answer your second question, while my H and I do not encourage our kids to bring their friends into our bedroom (there is no reason they need to be in there), our own kids are not restricted from that space. Also, they are allowed to have their friends in their own rooms whenever they want - and believe me, they do. My husband really just does not like my D’s boyfriend very much, and I think that is the problem. This is her first real boyfriend, and I like him a lot - he’s a good match for her in many ways. The thing is, they have had issues in the past (too long to get into, but nothing major) which caused them to break up - but they never stopped caring about each other during that time. My husband just did not like the fact that the bf broke up with d and hurt her, rather than try to work things out. He is forgetting that they are teenagers, involved in their first real relationship, and that mistakes will be made. Yes, H is also afraid of them having sex, but after giving the matter more thought, I realized that he is just not willing to make things pleasant for them as he doesn’t want them to be together at all. He will just have to get over that as I don’t see their relationship ending anytime soon. At least after hearing other peoples’ opinions and talking things out, I have figured out the real problem - now I just have to figure out how to get my H to get over his problem with the BF before Christmas.</p>
<p>It sounds like your husband is behaving like a classic over-protective father, but it also sounds like you can handle him just fine. :)</p>
<p>Corranged - Yes, I am sure you are right - on both counts! Last night, I was just floored by his irrational reaction to what I had thought was a perfectly reasonable suggestion. Once I realized where his reaction was coming from, i realized I could deal with it - I just have to figure out the right approach.</p>
<p>By the way, I hope you finished the paper you were writing (you mentioned that on another thread). If not, good luck getting getting it done.</p>
<p>Ah, I still have several painful pages to go. I did manage to get a two and a half hour extension, though, which is surprisingly helpful since it means I don’t have to sacrifice lunch, a shower, or a quick edit once I’m done.</p>
<p>Limomof2, while I never really doubted my parents awareness, I am still dumbfounded.</p>