In the parlance of people in communities that work with special needs (SN) people.
I wouldn’t self diagnose with ASD, and talk to a doctor if you’re concerned. That said, ASD is primarily genetic. If your parents, siblings, or children have been professionally diagnosed with ASD, then you may have it as well. The one dead give away in young children is usually significant language delays.
@roethlisburger. Totally get it. I was just wondering. Having Adhd, when I would read some books on it, it was like the books were being written about me ??.
I just find this interesting and wanted to learn more and educate myself. There just seems to be some crossover that I didn’t realize.
The other issue you could look at is someone’s career. If someone manages, for instance to get promoted to a partner at a law firm, they are usually behaving close enough to normal with bosses, colleagues, and clients to at least rule out the more severe forms of ASD.
From what I have read, understand and have experienced with H and clients is that someone on the spectrum knows that there is something different about them. Often it is the lack of close intimate friends, great difficulty in making friends, knowing they do not fit in and confusion as to why.
I recently read that in the past engineers were the group that was notable for High functioning ASD. Now it is IT. Those in medicine are often surgeons and field that are not primary care.
Engineers and IT may have a higher than average percentage of high functioning ASD, but even they will have their careers limited in advancement, if they can’t manage communication skills in the workplace. I doubt surgery has a high percentage of ASD. Most surgical sub-specialties are hyper-competitive, so it’s difficult to match into a surgical residency if you can’t come across as normal in med school rotations and program interviews. A surgeon still has to see patients for pre-op and post-op visits, make rounds, and run an OR. As much as I love the show the Good Doctor, any resident who acted anywhere close to that irl would be thrown out of the program. For someone truly ASD, something like pathology, where you peer at a microscope and look at lab slides might be closer to their speed.
Been reading this post with interest as I KNOW my hubby is an aspie. His elder brother has had all of the classic “symptoms” for years, since early childhood, but it was undiagnosed because they didn’t know what it was in the early sixties.
DH is also an engineer, with some of the executive functioning issues, and has tried for years to figure it out. In my work with Aspie’s, I’ve mentioned idiosyncrasies that he has, I’ve pretended that I was talking about a client. It made it easier for me to explain how to approach others if I used a phantom client.
I know he hasn’t been promoted as fast as most of his peers because he just doesn’t play that game, he can’t brown-nose (wouldn’t know how). His level of education and his vast knowledge has led to required promotions.
I think he married me because I explained things as I was doing them. (Bad habit working many years with students-First Disneyland date was really interesting.) He’s gotten better over the years, according to my family, probably because I’ve over-therapized him. The family is very outgoing, whom he really likes, and I think he’s learned that it’s okay to be loud when he’s with us.
^I think that it is true that they can learn appropriate behavior from their spouse or friends. Mine has not been applauded at work for the same reasons–doesn’t know how to behave to gain other’s attention. “Nice Guy” is what others say about him. He is motivated by service therefore he takes the extra patients without complaint. He brings zero attention to himself.
Service makes for a helpful spouse. It does not fill in for emotional needs or for executive functioning. They are often great rule followers and are happy to be part of a group without taking responsibility.
This has been a fascinating discussion!
@oregon101 Thank you for starting this thread. I never finished a post, because I just couldn’t sum it up–like a Venn diagram where some type of autism/complete lack of social awareness, massive ADHD, and intense anger management issues almost completely overlap.
25th anniversary is soon, and it’s been one incredible challenge.
One of my favorite books on the subject is Look Me in the Eye by John Robinson, a man who realized in his 40s that he has Asperger’s.
Temple Grandin talks about how the child rearing expectations in the '50s and '60s worked better for Aspie kids, as ritualistic manners and social expectations were more useful for those who don’t pick up these things easily.
syrstress, I grew up with a family member possessing those facets of your Venn diagram. Very difficult, and my sympathies. I don’t talk about it much, as the craziness is beyond belief for most folks.
Following along here and connecting some dots. Someone else in a professional context has posited the idea as well.
SS, I know you will meet your anniversary with a great amount of sadness even if you also feel committed. Those of us who, as glm posted, have lived a life most have no idea about the difficulties. Most look back at “ what could have been” in our lives if we had not signed up or stayed.
ASD and NT spouses has not really even been discussed publicly but it is coming very soon. Look at this thread and our need to share and learn.
Then there are the children of ASD parents. Perhaps that will be the door that opens soon.
I won’t take for granted any longer some of the things my Dh does that have annoyed me.
He is always saying “Whatcha’ thinking about?” when he sees me deep in thought. Or that old fashioned “a penny for your thoughts”? From time to time, that annoys me. I feel like if I wanted to talk about what I’m thinking, I’d be talking.
He also loves a hug, and often seeks my advice about a business or personal dilemma. Even on a day where he is really busy and needs to go back upstairs to work, he’ll sit on the sofa and say “Let’s visit a bit.” I guess that’s what’s called making time.
He apologizes. He “mirrors” during arguments and often promises to think over what I’ve said and come back to discuss later. He tells me most of his personal feelings/fears/hopes.Sometimes too much, I’ve often thought. He ALWAYS asks about my day, what I did, how I’m feeling, etc. He compliments me. He has empathy and concern for others.
I list these things not to make spouses with Aspergers to feel even worse, but to say that I think I have not appreciated them enough and might not have done so ever if not for this very helpful thread. These are things I assumed most spouses did unless they were generally bad people or had personality disorders.
I had never thought about adults with Aspergers; certainly I never thought one could marry a person with this condition without knowing it.
This thread has been very enlightening and I thank @Oregon101 for starting and others for sharing their experiences.
My therapist told me it’s very common for women to experience a lack of their emotion needs being met in a long term marriage.
I’ve never suspected my H is on the spectrum, and still don’t, but he is definitely not very skilled in social relationships. It’s evident at work, at home, and in his family of origin.
It’s not so much that he lacks awareness, but he is not a wordsmith (which can go a long way to making others feel heard or understood). He often assumes everyone else views a particular situation just like he does and then is dumbfounded and confused that the person is offended or hurt, etc.
I hope this post doesn’t seem like I’m diminishing others pain. Totally not! Sympathizing all the way.
My Dh does this too, especially with our girls.
He also has a problem with blurting out something to them without thinking first. Really has caused a few upheavals over the years. He does this far less often with me. That particular quality seems to be something some of the Aspergers spouses have actually mentioned.
@Nrdsb4 H does this all the time. Don’t normal people run what they are saying inside their brain first and think if they should say it? It’s like H opens his mouth and crap flows out. Sometimes very hurtful things, and it’s cost me some friends.
I could give 1,000 examples–telling happy, newly engaged couples that weddings are solemn occasions and will be the saddest day of their life, telling active military the Armed Services are BS and his own happiest day was when the draft ended, sitting in the living room of my childhood bff telling them anyone who grows tobacco is an idiot (while he’s looking out at their tobacco field, this is 30 years ago where tobacco was common).
Many ASD people have trouble with anything that is grey. No white lies. Logic only. No Theory of Mind. No self control.
A person can have Alexthymia and not be Autistic. They do not read situations and can not feel what another person’s emotions are.
My H emailed our nephew, “Oregon101 will not be at your wedding because she does not want to come.”
@oregon101, oh no. I actually got tickled by that, but I’m sure it’s not funny to you.
Yes, no filter at all. That must be frustrating for you.
I am learning so much. My question is did some of you marry an Aspie with complete knowledge or did you find out after your marriage and now dealing with it?
Thanks. Just trying to understand. My sister after several years of marriage seems to have married one and now dealing with it. He has OCD we think and not sure if this is correlated with Aspie… Thx for sharing.
Oh, I’m so sorry. My H at least has enough awareness to defer to me on things like this. He’s aware that his responses aren’t always the best. Even when people ask him directly, he says “Calla handles these things.”
One very cringeworthy moment, of many, comes to mind from years ago. We were at an amusement park celebrating the birthday party of the son of our good friends. The birthday boy was three, and our son was one, and another family had a two year old, so we were in the “kiddie” section of the park. Most of us were delighted watching the kids enjoy themselves, when H loudly asked “When can we go over to the fun rides? It’s boring here.” Ugh.
@knowstuff , I didn’t marry him knowing he was an Aspie. I really didn’t figure it out until recently, even though I’m in the mental health field. After my father died in 2018, my brother’s autism showed itself. He’d been relying on my father all these years, and the extent of his impairment is truly jaw-dropping. I knew he was odd but had no clue. A lot of pieces of some puzzles dropped into place for me, including how my father also was on the spectrum. I come from a long line of engineers on both sides and I think I was so used to certain quirks that I just didn’t see them.