Now that I think about it, I do remember an occasion when my H told people “Calla’s not here because she didn’t want to come.” These days, we carefully rehearse what he’s going to tell people. I’ll ask him what he’s going to say, he’ll ask what I want him to tell them, and I give him the words. He’s aware enough now (after years of my coaching) that he can give a socially appropriate answer.
When I started dating my husband, I knew there was something going on with him, but I just assumed it was the engineering “tunnel vision”.
Later, I realized, there were some definite issues with using social skills! Neither he, his twin(!), nor his brother, nor his father, EVER greeted people in a restaurant, or said “thank you”, or looked people in the eye when ordering things; it just made me very uncomfortable. So I started therapy! Taking the lead, when entering restaurants, theaters, etc. I modeled the behavior for them when we went out together. Thankfully my children picked up on this, and are very gracious. They developed great social skills ( they had to, after so much therapy!)
I’m an SLP!!! I’m supposed to know this stuff!!! We weren’t really trained in Autistic research and behaviors, when I went to school, 40 years ago. As the autistic identification exploded, we relied on continuing education training.
It wasn’t until after we were married that I noticed his needs for structure in writing everything down to follow a sequence of steps.
When the kids started to drive, this was a nightmare!
Having to park the cars in certain order in the garage made our kids aware that “Daddy had issues”.
-He still doesn’t know how to use landmarks, to return to a place that we’ve been to, several times before, on the same route.
My sister lived in another part of the city and lived there for about 30 years and he never could remember how to get there because he was confused.
-He gets lost when he has to return from a new place. (He travels and I know not to expect a call from him until he settles in, which could be hours after he’s landed!)
Right and left, in driving, make no sense to him ( if we have to follow directions and the directions are “make a right, make another right, and make a right”, when he exits, he continues to “make a right, make a right, make a right” not realizing that he should’ve gone left. ).
He uses his GPS faithfully, which we hate and doesn’t help, because he’s so focused on the map, that he doesn’t look to see what’s directly in front of him. It’s really dangerous. Now our adult children always ask, “Wait who’s driving? Then they say “Let mom drive”.
The primary reason I married him? He was the most kindest, gentlest passionate person I’ve ever met. He didn’t initially show all these quirky things. I think he held it together when he was around me.
His work colleagues tell me “he’s just a really good guy /he’s a very nice man”. He’s really good at teaching algorithms and theorems to the junior engineers so they like being on his team.
Just fascinating. I mean not maybe for you all. I am truly learning so much and do see these issues in certain people.
My brother still cannot tell his grandsons apart even though they look NOTHING alike. They are 17 and 18 years old. One tall with curly light hair, the other shorter and darker complected. Every holiday since my father died, including this past Christmas, he’s pulled me aside and said “Let’s see if I have this straight. ____ has the darker hair and no glasses, right?” And he STILL handed each of them the wrong presents.
@oregon101, it appears you have the makings of a published book here!
This has been a very enlightening thread!
I have no spouse, with aspergers or otherwise. But growing up with my dad, who has spectrum like traits, a sister who was odd in affect and relationships to others, made me far more accepting of divergent traits in others. Hey, people are interesting, right? We were creative and intellectual people and valued those who were similar, no rigid expectations as our family members did not follow rigid expectations. There was nothing in the literature about this as a diagnosis or syndrome decades ago. But it made me into a very accepting person, perhaps too accepting rather than having firm behavioral boundaries for partners.
I was involved for quite a time with a brilliant and rather sweet man whose lack of social awareness and self obsession finally made me end the relationship. Only years later did I come to understand that he was very much on the spectrum, and more unaware of his oddness than I gave him credit for.
Yes, to the makings of a book from this thread!
My ex was once talking to his mother on the phone and started telling her something I had very explicitly told him NOT to tell her. I frantically started signaling him to stop, and without muting the phone he said “What? You don’t want her to know about that?”
There were so many other incidents where he would start saying something really inappropriate, like repeating something a friend had told him in confidence to exactly the people who should NOT hear it, and I would nudge him under the table or squeeze his hand or try to signal him to be quiet, and he’d go ahead and finish what he was saying and then say “Why were you kicking me?” or “Stop squeezing my hand.”
I did not mean to leave this wonderful discussion. I thought someone upstream had suggested the book, “The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome” by Maxine Aston. It is excellent. The poster prompted me to reread this excellent book that speaks to living in an intimate relationship with a partner who is on the spectrum.
Many therapists and others in helping professions married an ASD ( or HFA). Those of us who were giving, warm, with loads of empathy were especially attractive to them. We gave them families and a social life. Often, they gave us nice homes and financial security. So the question that many of us struggle with is the emotional side of the relationship and, often, the sexual life. There are ASD’s on both end of the continuum as far as very frequent sex and the sexual relationship ending after a few years of marriage.The sexual relationship ending is the most reported.
Another area is the lack of response from the ASD. Often stonewalling (silence) or gas- lighting (changing the facts). It is frustrating and exhausting. It is confusing but less so if you understand these behaviors. I thought my H was narcissistic for a short while but his intention never seemed to be to hurt me so I remained confused until I landed on ASD.
This has been a wonderful discussion and I appreciate all of the posts and gratitude.
bump
I have been reading and thinking about this thread for weeks. It provides so many answers, yet I have so many questions. I don’t even know where to begin.
I have also been reading this thread and have found it facinating. I usually think of/know kids on the spectrum and recognized some aduls who are probably on the spectrum. But that has been in a situation like in public or a customer, never an adult close to me. And I had never considered before what it would be like being in a relationship with an adult with Aspergers. What a challenege! My husband is ADHD and have had our share of challenges, but nothing like the experiences I have read about here. I have learned so much - I had never heard about the mimicking or gas lighting before. Thank you to everyone who has shared on this thread.
JCA, Aston’s book is a good start.
RCM, ADHD has it own challenges.
One of the most difficult areas with ASD is the lack of executive functioning. For an NT and an ASD couple there is a serious imbalance as the NT takes the role of a parent with their high level of executive functioning, leaving the ASD as not an equal.
Many ASD’s are also ADHD. Many ASD’s show signs of Narcissism or are passive aggressive mainly due to their self focus and lack of Theory of Mind (empathy).
If you know a child/teen/young adult who displays ASD behaviors look at the family as there is usually a history.
Looking back I recognize that my ASH’s father was clearly ASD. This was a surgeon who felt he had a calling to help build a hospital overseas. He did many wonderful things and yet showed no support or empathy ever. My main memory of him was when he was visiting and at breakfast. I had a kid on my hip and was brushing another one’s hair. I had put out a decent breakfast, still. His first words to me, as he sat at the table were, “Oregon101, I don’t have a spoon”.
ASD is on my side of the family: most likely father, brother, son, nephews, possibly D2. This thread makes me believe DH is, and it’s gut-wrenching. But it’s given me perspective into our marriage and some of his behaviors that I hadn’t considered.
Maybe my FIL was also…stark memory (and I’ve posted this elsewhere) was him telling me we should invest in rental homes. I said I’ve got 4 kids, one with autism (middle of the spectrum), a business I own and work full-time in (4 days a week in dental is FT), and my own house to take care of. I can barely keep up! Talk to your son. His response: when would he have time? He works full-time. Right. CC instructor, 4 months off in the summer, 3 weeks at Christmas. My reply: not happening.
@oregon101, I can’t thank you enough for this thread. It is so helpful to explain things that are so hard to understand. Especially explaining the lack of empathy. It’s like a light went on.
I really don’t have anything to add. Fortunately for me, I am not married to someone with ASD. But know so many people who’s behavior I couldn’t figure out. This gives me more empathy for those married to a person with ASD. Or who’s parent has it.
So this morning I had an interaction with my H that exemplifies how his focus misses the point, and the aloneness that I feel. It’s subtle, but it’s an example of what happens ALL the time.
Last night we found out that my nephew is in a correspondence “relationship” with a woman from Ukraine. Our first reaction, for both of us, was that this branch of the family does some bizarre things. We agreed that they are bizarre and moved on.
As I thought about it last night and this morning, I’m strongly suspecting that this nephew is being taken in by a romance scam. I said this to my husband. I wanted to talk about being concerned for him, and how easy it is to fall for these scams, and discuss whether there’s anything I can say to him to explore this. H kept laughing and shaking his head and saying “That family is sure bizarre.”
He was stuck on the conversation from last night and didn’t realize the subject had changed.
If we’d had time, I could have stopped him and told him he’s not hearing my current concern, and I need him to problem solve with me. He can do this if I explicitly bring it up. But it’s so much work. Often too much work. And I don’t trust his insights that much so I stay silent and feel alone.
@calla1. Something like this happens to ADHD people also. It’s called refocusing. Instead of being mad just say… Remember the conversation last night about “x”… This helps bring it to the forefront
Then continue on “I am really concerned about” Y". What do you think? “… I need this also. But sometimes my wife also and others. Some times it might be ADHD with me but sometimes it’s just not remembering and the refocusing helps. Plus it gets his” full "attention… Just an idea. Many people need to be refocused.
@Knowsstuff , thanks, but I 'm maybe not being clear about what happened, and happens. It’s like when he finds a way to connect with me or others, he keeps doing it even when circumstances have changed. In this case, we connected last night over how weird that branch of the family is. He was still trying to bond with me today using that script from last night.
This is a pattern. Here’s another example of the same thing. When my oldest was a baby, H once lay down on the floor with him and threw a ball up and down. The baby laughed and laughed, and H was tickled that they had connected that way. From that day forward, for MONTHS, H tried to connect with our son by throwing a ball up and down in the same way. This was of course now old hat to our son and he wouldn’t pay attention. H would then come to me and announce that the baby “doesn’t want to play with me.” I would try to tell him that our son now needed different stimulation to catch his attention but H didn’t get it: he’d found this way of bonding and it felt like personal rejection to him that the baby was no longer interested. The circumstances had changed but he was clinging to an old script.
@calla1 So, he likes to have things codified?
@calla1 Along the same lines—gift giving? I gave positive feedback on the gifts I received for the first holidays we were together, and my DH gave me the same exact gifts every year for 10 years. Even after I gave him an idea for something else that I would like. That 10th year I cried on Christmas morning (alone in my car) because I was certain he didn’t really know me after all these years or he just didn’t care.
@brantly , I’ve never thought of the word codified, but he kind of just doesn’t know what to do or how to act so he tries to take cues from other people to fit in. For example he will adopt the mannerisms of people he respects. One time he had a new boss that he really liked and that boss had a habit of winking at people, so H started winking at me when he talked. I had to be very clear with him that I hated the winking. I married him thinking he had some profound and original ideas, and was very disappointed to realize, over time, that H was just mimicking the ideas of others and really doesn’t have many original thoughts other than in the area of computers.
@JCAmine, oh gosh, that’s exactly it. I’m so sorry. My H’s variation on this was to give me children’s gifts for the first few years of our marriage. I got a walking string puppet one birthday, and a nerf gun one Christmas. I had to be very explicit about ideas. He now asks me to send him a list of ideas and I am pleased to say that over our 30+ years of marriage he has now branched out into some thoughtful gifts. Although, this year he did give me three large candles because I liked the one candle last year.