@oregon101 Sounds like such a difficult life and demoralizing to the soul. Why do you fell you have to learn to cope? Would you consider divorce?
It seems many posters in this thread would be happier if they divorced their spouse.
@roethlisburger It’s not that easy, for a multitude of reasons. Sometimes those reasons change over the years, but still too many, although different, reasons.
Here are some of mine: I was raised in a family that believes marriage is until death, and I do, too. ExH left me with very young children. I wasn’t getting divorced twice.
Sometimes there are financial reasons. ASH and I have a D with some complex special needs, and he carried the insurance.
Medical reasons of either spouse. I live in an extremely small community. Not going to be the spouse that leaves someone who was on their deathbed for an extended time in recent years.
Status quo - My expectations have changed. I want to live 15-20 years in peace. It’s better than the early years with kids, because he has less stress and things are more orderly and calm. I definitely set some boundaries, although far later than I should have. Now I try to be grateful for the good and not obsess on the bad. Except for my venting on this thread 
sryrstress, thanks for a good explanation of why we stay.
The other, perhaps most important thing to remember is that decades are often put into an ASD/NT marriage because we did not know what was going on. Often the NT believes they are at fault, and if they just tried harder, etc. Most of us come from a background of trauma of some sort. If you grow up around an ASD parents or a dysfunctional family then you gravitate to a marriage that seems familiar. And there is the “mask” they present at first.
Nrd, Yes. I love my NT friends and we do have a few NT couples as friends. As much as it is worth it, I do suffer. When one of them talks about how their spouse did something wonderful for them or how they had a special anniversary I feel “triggered”. When I have spoken to ASH about this he goes blank. He just listens with little registered feelings and the information in no way applies to him or us. He would never think, “I should do that”. Thus the NT loneliness. Wonderful things are not going to happen to you plus there is not empathy available.
What would you suggest for someone who might have a child or other close family member that’s demonstrating these tendencies? (And has never been diagnosed)?
@1214mom for children: if the child is a minor, I’d highly recommend having them evaluated and seeking out treatment if recommended.
Mr R’s job is as a behavioral tech with autistic (including asperger’s) children. Early intervention really can help a lot of people.
Agree with romani. An early diagnosis is so important and it can make a huge difference in a child and a familie’s life. In some cases, for adults it is helpful and in some it is harmful. I have no idea how one can tell ahead of time. In my case it has helped me but I am not sure if it has helped ASH. There is a saying that if the ASD adult person refuses to accept their diagnoses then there is no real hope for the couple. Not sure what I think about that.
What would you suggest for someone who might have a child or other close family member that’s demonstrating these tendencies? (And has never been diagnosed)?
I have a relative whose son exhibited these traits from a young age. There was also a family lineage where you could see who in previous generations was ADS. Always the same - brilliant but the social piece…
The boy I am speaking of is in college (Ivy) and the improvement I have seen in his social skills over the years is amazing. His mother is the type who researches and finds the best practice no matter what need or issue she faces in her life. I believe she and her husband applied this method to their son’s issues and took on his challenges never giving up.
Starting by age 4 they worked very hard to have playdates and group settings as much as possible. He was an only child and had a nanny so there had been a lot of 1-1 time.
Took him out of elite, small private school by 4th grade and put him in public school for more resources and more people and more variety of kids.
Helped him engage with many, many social/group activities. Dad became a SAHD and honesty I think he made it his life’s mission to help his son. He was there every step of the way modeling and engaging. It was amazing how hard he worked with his son.
I have always believed the family got professional help and therapy. I noticed the boy “working” at conversation. He seemed to learn to ask appropriate questions back when you were speaking with him about a topic. I felt as if he had been taught how to have a conversation and engage with others just as he learned his academic subjects.
His mother once described him as “quirky” to me. I now find him engaging, interesting, and one of the kindest people I know. He has blossomed. He doesn’t appear to have had a personal gf/bf relationship yet but he does have friends. The only time I really see the ASD is in photos (there is a “look”) and when other family members his age are around, I notice he is on the outside. He just ins’t as cool as they are but I think the other kids just might not be his people in the family social group. I think he fits better with the adults but that’s ok - for the rest of his life he’s an adult.
I think what worked was early intervention that went on from about age 4-16. It really did take that long for this boy to present as “normal” and be able to present at ease socially.
A lot depends on their age. For a child, early diagnosis and intervention is critical. If someone doesn’t receive a diagnosis until they’re an adult and their brain has finished developing, it’s too late for treatment to have much of an impact. However, their brain is wired at 25 is how they’ll be for the rest of their life in terms of social interactions. If they are in the 50% of ASD with ADHD, it might be worth seeing a psychiatrist to diagnose and treat the ADHD symptoms.