<p>I like to meet my kids’ friends even if they are not in an intimate relationship. Certainly, in a case like this I would want to meet the man. But I fund what I feel is right and what I want to fund.</p>
<p>I don’t think the guy needs to visit the parents in order to date the D or spend the summer together. It is not like they are engaged to be married. I have met my D’s boyfriends when I visit her college but I don’t expect them to come to where I live to meet me just in order to date my D (nor to sleep in the same apartment if they choose).</p>
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<p>I would find it strange if my boyfriend went to visit my parents, a plane ride away, without an invitation from me. I mean, it wouldn’t be “wrong” - adults have the right to visit each other if they want - but I would still find it weird.</p>
<p>Some people don’t want to meet the significant other’s parents early in the relationship, for any number of reasons (having parental issues of their own, feeling like the relationship would be moving too fast for them, etc).</p>
<p>On the other hand, in this case I think it might be helpful for everyone involved for the guy and your D to visit.</p>
<p>something is not right here. This young woman was not “well” - and took a year off school - and rather than dating her peer group - a fun and engaging and healthy thing to do - she dates a guy in his mid-30’s who somehow thinks it is in this young woman’s interest to operate in secrecy, and not reach out to, or meet her parents, particularly if he is flying her in to his home? This sounds like a vulnerable young woman - who needs the right kind of love and support. I don’t get it - there’s something up with this thirty something guy - scratch a bit and you will find it.</p>
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<p>We disagree.</p>
<p>Best case- guy is a gem, madly in love with daughter, respects her boundaries too much to offer to pay for ticket. Ok case- guy is basically decent; either can’t afford or doesn’t want to pay but not a lunatic.
Worst case- guy is living off his own parents, or is 30 years old and has been sleeping on a friends sofa since Bill Clinton ran for president the first time.</p>
<p>Doesn’t change the calculus with the daughter. No matter who pays or why they pay… kid could still be in way over her head, seeing that a summer with him is preferable to sleeping in her own bed but having to deal with parents, regardless of the downsides. I’d stop worrying about the money so much- it’s a distraction. At the end of the day, the guy could be a psychopath and still be able to come up with $300 for an airline ticket. How does that help the D?</p>
<p>If she is well enough to go to school, then she should be well enough to have a job during the summer to help pay for her expenses. If she wants to use some of her earnings to travel to see her boyfriend, including living with him for the summer, that’s her business as she’s an adult (though I understand your concern about the age difference).</p>
<p>I don’t see any reason for you to be responsible for funding her travel or living arrangements with her boyfriend.</p>
<p>I encourage everyone to go back and read the previous post by motherwise. </p>
<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/382489-my-daughter-does-not-want-pay-back-her-college-loans.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/382489-my-daughter-does-not-want-pay-back-her-college-loans.html</a></p>
<p>It’s quite long, but if you just read her (?) posts you’ll get a better idea of the issues the family has had surrounding the girl. </p>
<p>motherwise, good luck to you and your family.</p>
<p>^^^ post #25
My D is 24 and a couple of years out of college and has dated several guys in recent years, only one of whom I have met. (They each happen to have been just a year or two older than she.) I am just as happy not to meet each of these guys since IMO an arranged “meet the parents” session can signify a more serious relationship than there is at that time. (It’s different if it happens casually.) Certainly, if she were to be considering becoming engaged or living with a guy, I would expect to meet him before such a step were taken, particularly if the geography were convenient. But spare me meeting every guy my D may date! ;)</p>
<p>However in *this *case, the OP’s D is considering living with a guy for the summer at least, and I do agree that that, along with the age difference, does raise some flags. I too, however, agree with **soozievt **that an adult kid should be free to make her own (reasonably responsible) summer plans, yet not expect the parents to fund them. My kids are expected to use summer earnings to fund their spending money during the school year. How they do that is up to them, but the free R & B available at home tends to make that the best deal for such an agenda.</p>
<p>OP, I do feel for your challenging situation. Please do let us know what develops.</p>
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<p>Several of the girls that I dated in college did bring me to see their parents
and I didn’t understand the meaning of that until I was older. Back then,
I think that there were more women that had finding a husband as one of
the reasons for going to college. Nothing wrong with that - I’m sure that it
worked in the other direction too.</p>
<p>Parents can often discern more about a date; especially if it is going to
become serious, than the child involved.</p>
<p>A huge age difference is certainly a red flag.</p>
<p>And I’m wondering why the man would have a problem springing for a $300 ticket. If he can’t afford that, what kind of environment are they going to be living together in?</p>
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<p>How huge is huge? Both men that I’ve dated were seven years older than I. Would you consider that a red flag?</p>
<p>My boyfriend has met my mom and stepdad (and they like him and vice versa), but not my dad. I have not met his parents. We’ve been together 11 months. Nobody is deliberately operating in secrecy. Nobody is unwilling to meet anyone. These things just take time, especially when everyone is far apart and has busy lives. It sounds like the boyfriend in this case lives a few thousand miles away from the parents, and the couple has been dating for under a year. Given those circumstances (and no evidence that I have seen that he <em>refuses</em> to visit), I don’t see his not having visited as automatically a red flag.</p>
<p>I don’t think adults need parental approval to date. On the other hand, I don’t think parents should have to fund an adult daughter’s summer excursion (if they want to do so, that’s a different matter). She can do that herself.</p>
<p>I wanted to respond to a couple of questions</p>
<p>1) I did google the man. He has a good job with a good company. I also managed to find out his address and phone number, and I looked at his residence using Google Maps. Financially, at least, he is stable</p>
<p>2) My daughter met him on an internet dating site. He travels for his job, and she met him when he was in the city where we live on business</p>
<p>3) My daughter knows she can come home. But she is not happy here. She doesn’t get along with anyone in our family, both immediate and extended.</p>
<p>4) My daughter is somewhat unconventional. She didn’t have a lot of friends growing up. She marches to the beat of her own drummer. From what I managed to learn about this man, he shares these characteristics.</p>
<p>5) I didn’t ask to meet him, because in our family and culture, that is done when the relationship is serious. She herself admits that it is a “semi-relationship”, and both are free to date other people. That statement in itself raises concerns, but we don’t have to go there.</p>
<p>6) While I will never be happy with her spending her summer with his man, if she funds her own way, I cannot and will not object. But as of now, she is unable to fund her own way. </p>
<p>7) Since she knows that I will not pay her way, the next logical source of funding is the man himself. I wonder why she has not asked this man to fund the trip, or why he has not offerred to pay for the trip.</p>
<p>8) I discussed this with my family and friends, and everyone except my husband agrees that I should not fund this trip in any way, shape, or form. But none of them understands my daughter intreprets the word no as we don’t love her.</p>
<p>9) I understand my husbands point of view. He doesn’t want to lose her. Either do I. But if a relationship is based soley on what I give her or don’t give her, what kind of relationship is it?</p>
<p>Seven years from 16 would certainly be a problem for me.</p>
<p>Adults don’t need parental approval to date. But it certainly shows respect and it gives the opportunity for the daughter to get feedback from her parents.</p>
<p>Motherwise, I wrote a very long post, echoing much of what other posters like citrusbelt and soosievt have already said, adding some stuff about my own personal experience. Personally, I would cut any financial support unless it directly went to finishing college in a timely fashion. The door to my home would be open, but the door to my bank would be closed. She has to face the reality of an adult world and delaying it will not help her, you, nor your relationship together. </p>
<p>But I deleted my much longer post because I took Youdon’tsay’s suggestion and looked at the earlier thread where you also shared your concerns about your daughter and her finances. Clearly, there is a theme here. We posters sometimes get lost in the details or explore tangents to no end. But I think, really, you are looking for support from us because you recognize the need and are very close to shutting down your daughter’s financial support stream, but are in deep pain because you recognize it will possibly sever any remaining relationship you have with her. Thus, the title you selected for the thread. (And everything is complicated even more for you because your husband is somewhat willing to continue the financial support.) </p>
<p>I am reading much between the lines and playing amateur psychologist, but you may be right - if the money goes - she goes, and I am so sorry for you if that happens. Unless you and your husband are ready to finance her indefinitely, you are going to have to face this possibility eventually. When you face it depends on your bank account and your resolve to let her live the consequences of her decisions. I would suggest counseling for all of you but the reality may be that only you would recognize the need. But please, do get some personal support. I am so sorry because I see that you think you will lose the little that you have left of her and I don’t have an answer for that. It does happen. But you can go on. And, she can come back.</p>
<p>I wanted to respond to Greta, who hit the nail right on the head.</p>
<p>Yes, I am almost ready to withdraw my financial support, at least for the summer. And yes, I am afraid of losing her. As is my husband. We are both torn because we don’t want to lose her. We love her.</p>
<p>Hugs to you, motherwise.</p>
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<p>I met my wife in CA and brought her over to the east coast. I had her stay with a family with three young kids that I knew and she helped them out with childcare. And I took care of her expenses. I wasn’t wealthy by any means but managed to put together something that worked out during courtship.</p>
<p>MOtherwise, my heart breaks for you. I have a sister who is in her 50s who has been doing this to my mother all of her life. Nothing is never enough. I have some sad news for you. You will have to make some sort of a decision here because there will always be a next thing with someone like this. You may be thinking that if you can resolve this, then you can both move on. You can’t. There will be something else next year and the year after and you will be in constant turmoil. I understand your wanting to make sure she graduates, but at some point you are going to have to draw whatever boundries are acceptable to you and let her choose to respect them or not. Again, I’m so sorry that you are going through this. I really do understand.</p>
<p>“I am reading much between the lines and playing amateur psychologist, but you may be right - if the money goes - she goes, and I am so sorry for you if that happens.”</p>
<p>However, more than likely at some point, you’re going to have to cut the finances (even if that’s after she graduates from college). More than likely she’ll become irate and will cut off her contact for at least a while. That doesn’t mean that she’ll cut it off forever. Cutting the finances for noncollege things may be the push that she needs to become a real adult. Just because she has a mental health problem doesn’t mean that she’s incapable of becoming a responsible adult. I have several adult friends with problems like being bi-polar who still manage to support themselves.</p>
<p>Saying this as a parent who did have to cut finances, and lost contact for a while with my older S. Saw him recently, and am very glad that he has matured. His not financially depending on us meant he had to finally grow up, and after a period of being enraged at us, he did develop maturity, and we now have a good relationship.</p>
<p>I did go through a lot of pain in this process, but I did not want my son to grow into the kind of leech I’d seen elsewhere in my family in which some offspring stayed dependent on parents and even siblings until they died of old age – because no one was willing to risk their ire by cutting the financial cord.</p>
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Unfortunately, that’s an interpretation you will have to shake out of her - that’s a 2 year old’s interpretation. Every time you give in to her emotional blackmail, you reinforce it. She’ll do it again, and why? Because it works.</p>
<p>Perhaps it’s as simple as, “Darling, we are saying no because we love you, and we do not feel that this is good for you. You are free to do as you choose, since you are legally an adult, but we do not have to pay for what we believe is harmful to you. I’m really sorry and we love you very much. Too much to give in.”</p>
<p>Yes, you may end up with a period of not speaking (and I cannot even imagine how painful that will be). But if not now, when?</p>