<p>“Well, perhaps that is a good thing. Over the summer, if your D doesn’t hunt for jobs but is living off him, perhaps he will find out that your D is not the type of girl that he wants to continue a relationship with. He breaks up with her, end of that problem.”</p>
<p>I agree. He may not be happy with a leech living with him. He also may be very bored with a girlfriend whose only life revolves completely around him.</p>
<p>
You’ll lose the relationship in the long run if you do give in to her. Because at some point, you will no longer be able to afford to keep giving her money. Do you really think that her demands will end when she graduates? How about when she wants to buy a house/condo that she can’t afford? She’ll demand the down payment from you. Or she wants a trip, clothes, a car. Even when she’s working, she’ll demand these “gifts” from you.</p>
<p>At least now she’s still young enough that she might have time to reconsider her actions. You may lose the relationship in the short run, but regain it in the long, perhaps when she becomes a mother.</p>
<p>In my mind, it’s better to lose the relationship now with hope for the future than to wait until she’s older, and you really cannot help her. It’s worse to wait until she has children, and then she can threaten to withhold those precious grandchildren from you.</p>
<p>You’re in a no-win situation with your d. Until you convince her that the tap is turned off, and that you will not react to her emotional blackmail, nothing will change. You are not the one cutting of the relationship. You say no to the money, but yes to the emotional support and the open door. The ball is then in her court. Blackmailers lose their power when the victim refuses to cooperate.</p>
<p>Can you do a vacation trip as a family to the bf’s city? A chance to meet and greet – and thenif D wants to stay there for the rest of the summer, you’ll all feel better about it?</p>
<p>Just an idea … but sort of a compromise. And one that might alleviate your worries about him as a bf.</p>
<p>You know what? I think we are tip toeing around here too much.<br>
By all means, meet the guy. He is not going to surprise us all by
turning out to be some wonderful person we have all been to quick
to judge.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Wow. Why on earth shouldn’t she worry about money??! </p>
<p>Please read The Millionaire Next Door. It’s probably available at a library near you.</p>
<p>Adult children who do not achieve financial independence from their parents are less secure and have more doubts about their competence than those who do achieve financial independence.</p>
<p>If you want her to behave like an adult, treat her like an adult. She won’t like this at first, but she’s not going to grow up unless you let her. Some kids don’t need motivation to grow up; some do. Sounds like she does.</p>
<p>“Fourteen years older…late 30’s” And she is nineteen?</p>
<p>Anyone have any success stories like this?</p>
<p>Most people don’t have success stories of many 19-year-old’s romantic relationships because most such relationships quickly end, which is more than likely what will happen with the OP’s D’s relationships. The end probably will be swifter if the D doesn’t perceive her mother as opposing the relationship, a good reason for the OP to put the focus on finances, not the boyfriend.</p>
<p>Nstarmom,</p>
<p>You are right.</p>
<p>I haven’t read the posts in this thread (beyond the beginning), so forgive me if I repeat something others have said. I just want to share my own experiences. </p>
<p>My relationship with my son improved tremendously after I cut him off financially at age 20. There was no rift between us – it’s just that he decided to take “time off” from college at that point, and I told him that I would not support him while he was out of school, though he was free to live at home if he was either employed or in school. He got a job and moved out – and once he was no longer spending all day sleeping on the living room couch or leaving dirty dishes in my sink, there was no tension between us. Every contact, every visit was positive & respectful. </p>
<p>I’m still supporting my college-age daughter, but I do not fund her to live away from home during the summers, or (for that matter) give her spending money during the school year. She paid her own rent the summer after her freshman year when she had obtained an internship locally and wanted to share an apartment with her boyfriend, and she has paid her own way & rent this year when she has secured an internship abroad. </p>
<p>You can’t “buy” love with any sum of money, and funding an adult son or daughter for anything other school is, in my opinion, simply a way to create a continued wedge or barrier. As long as there is money coming from a parent, there is an element of control on the parental end and resistance from the offspring, and there will always be tension. I don’t have that tension with my kids because I don’t generally give them money, so they don’t have to account to me for how they spend, and there is no resentment. This doesn’t mean that I can’t buy nice things for them --I’ve taken them shopping for nice clothes, bought nice things for their birthdays, etc. But these are gifts that I enjoy giving – and they definitely express their appreciation. </p>
<p>I think you need to let go, let your daughter live her life, but stop financing it. If you don’t provide funds, you don’t have to concern yourself about how and what she spends. I have been very clear with my kids as to where my financial support begins & ends… and have no worries at all about our relationship and love for one another.</p>
<p>You may want to do a little more checking on this guy. I would suggest doing a reverse search on his cell phone number, IM address and email address (if you know these). You might be very surprised at what you find.</p>
<p>If her only reason to move out there is to get away from home, there are other alternatives, where a job with room and board is provided. There are internet sites that offer jobs working at national parks and private campgrounds and resorts for the summer, where she would be with other people her own age.</p>
<p>So sorry for your predicament and your pain. Parenting can be tough.</p>
<p>My suggestions: Time to cut up the credit card and let her have her own with all of the responsibilities. Time to close the joint checking account and let her open one on her own. Time to decide how much you will give her for incidentals during the school year and then write her a check on the first of every month, no earlier. Time to let her get a job and earn what she needs over the summer. If she makes enough to travel/live with the guy, shes 19 and time to let go. Of couse we are all concerned that he is 30+ and whatever, but the more you resist the better he looks. She is using you and is performing emotional blackmail. Time to stop letting her. There are lots of “threats” but she threatens because it works and she gets what she wants. It may be time now rather than later to set up financial guidelines, and then the rest is up to her. I suspect she is not going to cut all ties. It is only going to get worse the longer she holds you emotionally hostage. </p>
<p>I agree esp with post #34 and #10.</p>
<p>To motherwise:</p>
<p>This is going to sound crazy, but I am almost sure that this will work. I am looking at this whole thing from your daughter’s perspective and after reading all this there is 1 thing that is clear: you definitely care about her… so I am going to recommend something that no one will recommend but I am almost sure it will work wonders… I say make your daughter READ this topic !!! Seriously, I am not a psychologist (though I admit I like to read about it) but I am sure that she doesn’t know how you truly feel about this and this topic shows that clearly. If she reads this and she is still indifferent about talking to you… well in that case my assumption that she is a good daughter is wrong, yes this sounds harsh, but if she is a good daughter and she reads this ENTIRE topic I am 100% sure that the problems between you 2 will get fixed ASAP. I know that the fact that talk such as “taking the credit card away from her” is in the thread might make you think this is not a good idea, but disregard that, if she reads it, that will be another reason for her to be more aware (or actually aware) of these things and their importance; if anything, I think she can learn by reading this and your bad communications problems with her can be fixed.</p>
<p>OH and I don’t know what psychologist you went to… but I can tell you something: he/she fails as a psychologist and as a father/mother! I don’t care if he/she has a PHD or whatever, I can give better advice than that! besides the idea is to FIX the problem not to leave it unsolved … I mean common on, telling you to let your daughter alone because she is an adult etc etc (which does not mean that she is not your daughter)… anyways, that was horrible advice in my opinion.</p>
<p>Also, my 2 cents on “the guy in his 30s”: he does not have to “report” to her parents, that’s for sure, but out of respect (and if he was smart and really wanted a long-term relationship with her) he should at least try to meet them and OF COURSE he should have payed that ticket DUH! I mean the guy is working isn’t he? he has money and she doesn’t, if he cared he would be paying for that so that she can see him … another thing that I don’t like is that you mentioned something like they are in a “semi-relationship” or something with no “ties.” I forgot how you worded that, but that just smells like anything except a long-term realtionship to me. And if there is no intention for a strong relationship, I suggest that your daughter be careful and be smart, especially if she is beautiful. I can’t say anything else, because I would be speculating about this and I don’t know your D either.</p>
<p>Now, some advice for her, coming from a guy her age who is also in college:</p>
<h1>1 if you are going to do it use condom, it doesn’t matter if the guy looks like the sweetest person on Earth, you have no idea of what drastic consequences a pregnacy can bring before you finish college… I won’t go into detail but you will regret it for sure… also if the guy is a “correct” guy he will protect himself and you, but don’t count on it so YOU should protect yourself!</h1>
<h1>2 mother, father, daughters, and sons are the most important people; they are the ones who most likely will NOT fail you when everybody else will… but they, as you, are not perfect human beings… think about that… and make peace with your mom :)</h1>
<h1>3 finish college… there is nothing better than having “economic freedom,” or knowing that you don’t depend on anyone to pay your stuff, you will need a career for this though… and never count on a boyfriend to pay the bills, the bf might not be there always you know… so what if he is not there? no problem you would have a good job, so you can take care of yourself :)</h1>
<h1>4 it is never too late to fix something that can be fixed (and that IS worth fixing) so I suggest you make your mom and yourself happier by having less fights and more “understanding” … this goes for her too…</h1>
<h1>5 having a good and close relationship with your parents does not mean you are immature at all! stick this in your head! well may be not that, but at least realize it.</h1>
<p>I hope this ends up being useful for you 
</p>
<p>I wanted to help when I wrote this, and seriously consider my idea I think it WILL work. Remember, I can look at this from your daughter’s perspective better because I am her age. I just hope she is a good girl (and not one of those who doesn’t care about anyone), if she is then this should work. Be optimistic 
and try this idea.
Good luck “motherwise”</p>
<p>I just found this post, I hope things are going well for you now.
Just a few thoughts, as I have some different opinions to what have been said.
I am a student and very much supported by my parents whilst I’m in college. I work when I can but I often am unable to work a lot of hours and my parents are happy for me to put my education and experience as an actor first for a few years and pay them back later. They fund things that they believe are beneficial to my growth and health as a person and actor. If there was something I desired them to help me fund, I would speak with them about it and why I would like to do it and what I would get from it, and they would decide whether or not to fund it.
Have you had this conversation with your daughter?
I don’t believe you should cut her off. Especially if she is finding it hard to cope in her situation with school and such that could do more damage than good. But I think it’s important that she doesn’t take you or your help for granted. I have done that sometimes and often you don’t realise you’re doing it but then something happens to remind you how incredibly grateful you are. I’m not sure exactly what to do, but it would be an idea to encourage her to keep a log of her spending and to get regular employment when she can. These are two things I have done that have increased my maturity a lot.
I also hate the thought of you severing ties with her like the psycologist suggested. She is your daughter and no matter how much you two can’t stand to be around each other, she’s bound to love you. Don’t just give up on your relationship. But also it will need to be worked on. Could you two go to counselling together? It’s probably likely that a lot of these issues are related to the time when she wasn’t well and it might be helpful for her to talk about that as well.
Also, rather than wondering what her boyfriend wants with her, it might be useful to think of what she wants with him? Why has she chosen this boyfriend of all the guys in the world? Why does she feel drawn to keep seeing him even though it is a huge effort? Try looking at the situation from her point of view and thinking about why she has made the choices she has. - then you can identify what she wants and needs, which she may be able to get in other ways than from this guy.
Also there’s a chance that the rift between you two may be because she can sense your negative feelings towards her boyfriend. Can you try talking to her about him, showing an interest? If you begin a compromise, maybe she will follow.
I think above everything it’s really important to keep communication between you two open. Be clear about your limits - not harsh but not a pushover, and be open to discussion and negotiation.
I really hope things will go well for you and your daughter from now on. :)</p>