<p>Most of us are on vacation now, with not much to do, except to waste more time on CC…</p>
<p>I would like to to know when you would hit the bottom to let your kid know his/her mate is not right for them. I know we are all very politically correct parents, who would never interfere in their kids’ life, it’s all about fit, affordability…but when would you draw the line to say, “I don’t think you should marry this person.”</p>
<p>I will start. If a boy makes my kid cry a lot, who is cheap, is abusive, with large student loans, calls me by my first name, doesn’t know how to eat with chop sticks, and don’t think babies are cute.</p>
<p>I don’t think I could ever say, “don’t marry this person.” But I would most certainly say, “I am so concerned about your fiance’s drinking or drug abuse or staggering debt with no prospects for paying it off.” On second thought, if there were abuse involved, I would say “Please, don’t marry this person.” </p>
<p>As for not thinking babies are cute, well, heaven forbid! I want grandchildren and I don’t want to wait forever! ;)</p>
<p>“doesn’t know how to eat with chopsticks”? right there, I guess I’d tell my daughter (or my son) never to see him (her) again…</p>
<p>Seriously, I’d say what I said to my daughter: “I have this concern about your relationship with X”. She was kind enough to listen. Now, I need to find things I like about X, because my D loves him, and she’s not stupid and her judgement about people is excellent. (As far as I know, though, they’re not getting married anytime soon.)</p>
<p>My advice to my boys has always been: Find someone who gets along well with her parents. Because emotionally, you’ll eventually become her parents.</p>
<p>I started this thread because D1 started dating someone seriously. The young man met some of my family members. My family is rather critical…they want to know what’s the show stopper for me. I am more in the mind set of that D1 should be smart enough to know if the guy is a total loser. </p>
<p>My siblings asked me if it would say anything if he didn’t go to college, without a job, lived at home, wrong race…This boy is making D1 smile, so it’s hard for me not to like him. D1 is not getting married ant time soon, but I would like to be prepared.</p>
<p>I’m sure my mother wanted to tell me NOT to marry my husband of almost 30 years. He was the wrong religion, didn’t have a college education at the time, and was younger than I. In addition, when we married, I was earning more money in a more stable profession than my husband.</p>
<p>BUT he made me smile, made me happy and treated me (and still does) like I’m the only woman in the world. </p>
<p>And just FYI, Oldfort, he can eat with chopsticks!!</p>
<p>In our case, would be anyone who is not Chinese, even though our girls’ father is Irish/French. My parents encouraged me to get a divorce as soon as I married H.</p>
<p>For me, it’s never been as cut-and-dried- as abuse or bigotry, but that I just didn’t like the BF or GF all that much. It’s more a matter of being in completely separate worlds. So, I really don’t have a leg to stand on and consequently, I have tried to keep my mouth shut. I remind myself of the positive qualities, rather than dwell on the things that give me pause. I tell myself, so what if I have absolutely nothing in common with the chosen one, that we can’t keep a conversation going for more than 5 minutes, she comes from a solid loving family and will be a good mate and mother some day.</p>
<p>It’s much harder to decide to keep your mouth shut or not when your worst complaint is “she’s kind of needy and also doesn’t read books”.</p>
<p>oldfort- I would have to ask- what do you think of this young man? Not what your relatives think, or what your daughter thinks- what do you think? </p>
<p>Once you decide, determine whether you need to share your thoughts with your daughter. How serious are they? How will she react if you give an uninvited opinion? </p>
<p>Unless there was serious abuse taking place- I would zip my lips. You don’t really know where they stand. And unrequested advice is usually not appreciated.</p>
<p>Abusive or controlling behavior would do it for me. So would excessively needy behavior, and if I found out seriously bad things out about his background (convicted rapist, con man, child abuser,…)</p>
<p>mousegray, Remember that you’ll have more to talk about as the years go by. My MIL started off as very different people and while we still are, we have over two decades of experiences together at holidays and vacations. Plus it became very easy to talk once my son was born…who doesn’t want to talk to another person who thinks your baby is the best baby?!</p>
<p>For us there is no such thing as wrong race, religion and so on. My son is gay, so I do hope that his future in-laws will be accepting of their child and of mine.</p>
<p>“Unless there was serious abuse taking place- I would zip my lips. You don’t really know where they stand. And unrequested advice is usually not appreciated.”</p>
<p>Sometimes even REQUESTED advice is not appreciated. </p>
<p>I would not say anything, or hint, or undermine in any way. If I didn’t care for the person, I would try to include him in as many family things as possible so either I would learn to see what DDs see or they would see what I see.</p>
<p>D1 is the oldest of next generation. She usually generates a lot attention among my relatives because she is the trailblazer. Now my siblings are wondering what they would look for in their future DIL/SIL.</p>
<p>My daughter did date a nasty controlling piece of work for 2 years. I did not keep my lip zipped. It was damaging for our relationship, but there was no way I could not say something. He ended up being physically abusive though she did not admit it until 3 months after they broke up, it did not come as any surprise. (the break up was followed by another year of stalking craziness). If she had said she was going to marry him, I would have said something. As controlling as he was I doubt we would have had much, if any, relationship with her if they had got married. Our relationship with her while they were together was very distant (not our choice).</p>
<p>I have always said that as long as my kid still acted like their best self I would accept their choice. I am not crazy about the guy I think my D may choose, but other than the fact that HE is not my choice for her, SHE is still HERSELF and not changed because of the relationship. Of course, this is aside from abuse of any kind.</p>
<p>I dated a boy for years in college that wasn’t right for me. </p>
<p>I kind of wish someone would have mentioned it to me. Their silence made me think I was being kind of petty and ridiculous. Turns out, after I broke up with him, they thought something wasn’t quite right, but if I liked him he was okay.</p>
<p>There were lots of red flags but I was young and kind of clueless.</p>