<p>We are so far from this situation.
Not dating anybody.
Taking names only. </p>
<p>BTW, DS can use his fingers properly, chopsticks, and the spoon and fork. Can he get on some DD’s list? :)</p>
<p>I have always told my kids to look for relationships that will bring out the best in both of parties…beyond that, I have no set criteria (though I am partial to the BF/GFs who like to hang out with the family/siblings, are kind to the little ones, and help in the kitchen!).</p>
<p>Btw, my S and his GF broke up after 2 years and I really like her. They’re only 18, so no talk of marraige or anything, but she was my “game buddy” for all of his sports, travelled with us, and frequently spent time at our house just hanging out with me. I’d like to continue some level of contact but am afraid it will drive S nuts - like all teenagers, he doesn’t want Mom meddling in his business. Has anyone managed to successfully continue a friendship with an ex?</p>
<p>^ I have stayed in touch with the mom of my teen-boyfriend. I dated her son for four years, and while she never liked me for the first few years (I was from the wrong side of the tracks), she came around eventually. We stayed in touch, and we’ve seen each other off and on for over 30 years.</p>
<p>S2 had a wonderful GF for three years during HS. Not surprisingly, they broke up during the early years in college. I became great friends with her mother and we continue to be great friends today. I see the former GF several times a year and really enjoy her company. Luckily, both S and GF are also still friends, even though they’ve both moved on.</p>
<p>My mother was spot-on correct with respect to all my boyfriends, including my first husband. I refused to listen to her. I think about that now…how can i excpet my D to listen to me about guys when I didn’t listen to my own mom?</p>
<p>This is such a hard situation. I really feel for you. A couple of years back, my sister was in your shoes, sort of, where she didn’t like the TEN year live in that her son (in his 30’s) had. She also didn’t like the TEN year bit, but she thought that if she pressured him to make some sort of decision about the relationship and put a negative spin on it, he’d go and marry her! She bit her lip and never said anything negative but certainly never positive, either. They broke up finally and she suggested that he get some counselling. (“why would he be in a long relationship with a girl like that?”) I hope some on the board here can be more helpful than I can!</p>
<p>I would only say something if the person was abusive. Their job, education level and other issues would be for her to decide.</p>
<p>Longprime…how old is your son? My DD is out of the country for two years but when she gets back, I’ll be in the matchmaking business (although I’ve never been successful). College degree, bright, pretty, friendly, kind.</p>
<p>We could start a dating service here. I wonder if we would be in violation of CC rule.</p>
<p>My older s dated a cute, but very high maintenance, <em>very</em> needy gf for about 2 1/2 yrs. When he asked my opinion, I told him that the “need to be needed” was fun at first but it would get old. Thats about all I said. He got it, and eventually he ended the relationship when he decided it wasn’t right for him. He was young and wasnt interested in getting married right out of college. She had good qualities, but she wasnt right for him. She has not been able to remain friends and has cut off contact, which he is ok with. The stuff that I found a little weird is when his next (now ex) gfs mother friended him on facebook and posted on his wall. That seemed a bit creepy. They hadn’t even been dating very lng when that happened. He ended up getting a new job in another city and as he was tired of long distance relationships, that on ended and he and her mom unfriended each other (I think!)</p>
<p>At the risk of being labeled a helicopter parent, I have done it - not about marriage specifically, but I knew that is where it could have been heading. Funny, my D can see problems with other people’s relationships, but doesn’t see it in her own. But I guess that is common. She was with a guy over 4 1/2 years. Nice enough guy, but had trouble finding what he wanted to do in life. Whined and complained a bit too much rather than working hard to find his niche. But when I watched her on the phone several different times with him crying and apologizing over things that were NOT her fault, I had to point out what was happening. Found out he also would be critical of how she dressed, make up she used (or didn’t use), her weight (she is model thin, he preferred a little fuller). All serious red flags. I was as gentle as I could be and still get the point across to her. I told her that when the relationship is right, it is not as hard as they were making it. When it is right, the two people respect each other and don’t try to hurt the other.</p>
<p>They did finally break up 3 years ago. They have maintained some contact (although I think it recently ended for good). She now sees he is in the same pattern I had pointed out to her. She agrees I was right and knows that I am only looking out for her, and that I have a lot more years of experience in this world than she does.</p>
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<p>Thanks for posting this! I argued with myself constantly whether to say something or not, but ultimately I believed I would feel worse if I hadn’t at least pointed out my observations that she could accept or reject. She is a very bright woman and I knew she would think about what I said.</p>
<p>I basically agree with the general trend here: if there was something abusive about the person. </p>
<p>Oldfort: I was surprised by the “call’s me by my first name”. By the time marriage is a possibility, I would think it would be common to be on a first name basis. My D’s long time and live-in BF calls us by first names; we’re all adults (he’s 29) and we interact on an equal basis. At this point, Mr/Ms would feel weird to me.</p>
<p>As with most others here – only if the person is abusive.</p>
<p>I might be concerned about other things, and I might express those concerns, but I wouldn’t be as emphatic about it.</p>
<p>And if my adult son or daughter is dating a person for a long time, I would expect that person to call me by my first name. In a world where business colleagues of all ages call each other by their first names, it seems weird not to be on a first-name basis with your in-laws or prospective in-laws. I always called my in-laws by their first names. It would never have occurred to me to do anything else. I hope they weren’t offended.</p>
<p>I’m sorry but if someone physically abused one of my kids and I had evidence of this, I would call the police and file a complaint. </p>
<p>Otherwise, yes…for abusive (with no evidence) or emotional or verbal abuse, I would speak up. I would never want to be in a situation where my kid said “why didn’t you SAY something?” And yes, I realize that our relationship could be affected.</p>
<p>Re: other things…as long as the person treats my kids with respect, love and caring…and they have similar long term plans…I would keep my mouth shut…well I think I would.</p>
<p>Just FYI…my kids are 22 and 26 and their friends ALL call me Mrs.___.</p>
<p>oldfort - People sometimes develop bad behaviors as a result of poor upbringings. Change is certainly possible in those cases. Does your D’s young man have bad habits despite good upbringing? That would be a deal-breaker in our family … along with physical abuse, emotional abuse, or addiction to alcohol, drugs or gambling.</p>
<p>Just chiming in regarding “call me by my first name”. One of the great things about CC is that we are able to see how different parts of our country have different expectations. And many of our kids go to schools with a nationwide draw, meaning there may easily be cultural differences among them.</p>
<p>As an example, here in the northwest corner of our country, our kids have NEVER been asked to call a parent “Mr. or Mrs…” Starting with pre-school play dates they begin calling their friends’ parents by their first names. Until I read this thread, it never would have occurred to me that other parts of the country are more formal. I will be sure to pass this info on to my daughter who is going to school on the east coast. I would hate for her to be unintentionally insulting. And I would suggest that if you have a particular way you would like to be addressed that you make that clear to the other party!</p>
<p>D1’s BF is actually very nice and treats her very well. I think his family is less formal. D1 heard him call me by my first name, right away there was a pause in the room, and he hasn’t done it since (I assumed D1 said something to him). They were coming to my parents house, so I told D1 to have her BF bring a bottle of wine for my dad (just in case he didn’t think of it). My dad was beaming from ear to ear. </p>
<p>We have 6 young adults in our extended family. We are planning a family vacation for this summer and we are wondering if we should include their significant others. The younger bunch(ages 15-17) vetoed it.</p>
<p>Not to belabor the point, but at this point, we’ve moved on from the “how do kids address adults” stage. Yes, growing up my kids’ friends called me Mrs lastname, but in this case, we’re all definitely adults, pretty much family, and it would be very stilted to do otherwise. actually, the young man had trouble with Firstname for a while, though now it’s very comfortable. I always addressed my inlaws by first name, their choice. My H calls my mom “Mom.” Mrs. Garlandsmom, after several decades, would’ve gotten pretty old.</p>
<p>To add: my kids’ friends who knew me as a kid still tend to call me “Mrs or Ms,” but the ones whom I’ve met when they were already adults call me Firstname.</p>
<p>What would I say? It’s a fine line. DS1 recently ended a very serious relationship and he was quite torn. I’d said nothing during the relationship because I knew they might marry. I didn’t dislike her, but there were a couple of concerns I had. When he was deciding what to do he talked to me and asked for my advice. Even then, I was careful because I didn’t want to put into motion anything that would create bad blood if he got back together with her, etc. But I was honest. I told him what I thought the problem areas were. I’m a marriage therapist and I talked to him the way I’d talk to people in my office – a fairly honest assessment of what he could expect to have as issues, etc. based on what they both brought to the relationship and what they both wanted in the long run. But I said it in a supportive way, always keeping in mind that this woman could someday be the mother of my grandchildren. </p>
<p>I would speak up if I saw that the partner had a terrible relationship with his/her own parent of the opposite sex and warn my kid that those things often replay in marriage. I would speak up if the person didn’t know how to ever put someone else’s needs ahead of his/her own. I would speak for a lot of reasons. Apart from huge red flags such as abuse or addiction, I wouldn’t say, “Don’t marry that person” because that sounds so polarizing, but I would share my concerns. Why wouldn’t I? I love my kids and I have a lot more life experience than they do. I think parents are a safety net – when you have flown without a net from a young age, as I have, you have an appreciation of what it means to have that net. I can’t imagine a time when that safety net is more needed than when a person makes what is arguably the most important decision in life.</p>