<p>It’s interesting to see the differences in how young people address their in-laws.</p>
<p>It may not necessarily be regional. Sometimes, it reflects the circumstances under which you met the people involved.</p>
<p>My future husband met my mother before he met me. While in college, he was a summer employee in a business where she was a full-time, year-round employee. He automatically called her by her first name, as co-workers do. Later, I obtained a seasonal job at the same company, and a year after that, he and I started dating. It would have been bizarre for him to stop calling her Firstname after having addressed her that way for a year and start calling her Mrs. Mariansmom at that point.</p>
<p>My mom honestly thought most of us could have “done better” than the spouses we married (and remain currently, happily married to). She did tell each of us but accepted our spouses with good grace and is very glad that everyone appears to be happily married (several of us for > 2 decades). My SIL tried to warn H off from marrying me but fortunately he ignored her & we will be celebrating our silver anniversary next May.</p>
<p>I agree that as long as there is no abuse by anyone, it really is what the couple sees in and becomes with one another. I have never had anything negative to say about any of my kids’ friends to date. I hope my kids will recognize & find irritating any “excessive neediness,” as both are pretty independent.</p>
<p>Usually I feel like Bill Cosby, hitting my forehead with some of the wacky ideas they propose as “a good next move” for my progeny. I realize too, they probably make similar head-banging gestures in my absence.</p>
<p>But I never speak against them staying together.</p>
<p>Sigh. I used to joke that our worse (financially speaking) nightmare would be for our kids - the s to marry a Chinese and the d to marry a boy of East Indian descent. That scenario seems to be a distinct possibility right at this moment. :(</p>
<p>Jokes aside, I nurse a sad feeling that instead of gaining a sil as I always hoped, I will be losing a daughter.</p>
<p>Race? Non-issue. Ick. Call me by my first name? I hope so. Not college educated? As long as person were intelligent enough for make S or D happy not my business. </p>
<p>I agree abuse is an issue. But I went through this and encountered a situation in which I put tremendous pressure on S. Friends were against this, but I felt I had to.</p>
<p>I don’t want to be too specific, because I don’t want invade privacy. But S and his GF seemed to be in an addictive relationship. As soph and frosh in college all their time was spent together and no one else was included in their bubble. Together 24/7 except at classes. Extra-curriculars were dropped. S’s dorm room went unused.</p>
<p>I tried to get him to set some limits because this all consuming relationship was swallowing everything, even academics. Therapist said the same thing, but we had no influence.</p>
<p>They there was alienation of affection going on. When I faced losing my S I campaigned as hard as I could to end the brainwashing and get him back.</p>
<p>It was hard. They broke up, but he was angry at me for another year, so two years with a strained relationship. Things are back to normal. He even said, “I am so happy with our relationship now.”</p>
<p>I did everything everyone says not to, but when faced with losing my son, I thought I had nothing to lose. I have seen families lose sons. Not so much daughters.</p>
<p>Ugh…no first names in the South. My SIL calls my Mom by her first name (I’m pretty sure she does it just to annoy my mom) and there’s always an awkward silence. So disrespectful!</p>
<p>I love my DS’s gf, but I try not to get too attached just in case! She has lovely manners, uses ma’m and sir and comes from an awesome family. I hope it lasts.</p>
<p>Certainly there are regional differences. Here in NY we wouldn’t consider Ma’am and sir lovely manners. I think we’d be very uncomfortable. But if it makes you guys happy, that’s great. Great family also wouldn’t be my concern. Lots of “great families” have skeletons in their closet, and lots of very lovely people come from very alienated or rocky families.</p>
My midwestern daughter’s northeastern boyfriend has told her that his southern grandfather will love her because she addresses adults by honorific and last name, says “Pardon?” as opposed to “Huh?” or “What?” and writes killer thank you notes promptly.</p>
<p>I agree with you on all those points, mythmom. My two sons-in-law both call my H and me by our first names, as do the two longtime boyfriends of two other Ds. We asked them to do so long ago, and wouldn’t want it any other way. I’ve been married for 36+ years and my inlaws never asked me to call them by their first names and insisted on signing cards through the years Mom and Dad. Well, they weren’t my mom and dad and as a result, I never called them anything. It made it awkward and I swore I’d never do that to my sons-in-law. Would absolutely hate to be called ma’am!</p>
<p>My wish for the young men that my Ds choose would be those who would treat my Ds with kindness and respect, who would enjoy being welcomed into a family full of females (other than my H!), and who would form a good team when it’s time to parent. So far, they’re living up to all those criteria.</p>
<p>alwaysamom: Congratulations. That’s a wonderful situation. Since I know what a sweet person you are, I am not surprised.</p>
<p>D’s boyfriend/almost finance (modest ring will be given in a week, but no formal declaration of engagement will be made by them) fits your criteria, and I am very grateful. And oddly enough, he is southern. Has never ma’amed me. Calls me by first name. Isn’t especially good at the “niceties.” Is wonderful in the trenches.</p>
<p>DS finally said he wouldn’t want to have a permanent relationship with the troublesome girl.</p>
<p>To my mind, the problem with focus on “niceties” is the fact that many folks can provide those without the deeper stuff. My ex-MIL was like that. So lovely and polite to me, but encouraged her son not to marry me for many reasons, including “Jews run to fat.”</p>
<p>When it came time to have children ex heard mom’s voice in his head. We divorced at the time.</p>
<p>Let me understand all of this:
we got the frosh 15 that occurs and likely kept.
we got bad BF so now the girl is wary
we got issue how to address potential inlaws
we got the need to resolve the eating utensils
we got the problem grandparents
We got parents turning blue because they don’t want to influence the s/d
We got kids taking themselves off the market </p>
<p>Call me the helicopter mom of the century but I have every intention – when my D finally gets serious about someone – to have them completely checked out by a competent private detective. I’ll be as discreet as possible, of course, but there’s too many skeletons in too many closets to take a future SIL at face value. </p>
<p>I’ll want to know if he’s paying child support (don’t care if he has kids from a previous relationship but no dead-beat dads), if he has the background he claims, if he’s educated the way he says, if he’s been in jail, the whole ball of wax. We’ll deal with the answers when they come. </p>
<p>Maybe I’ve seen too many Lifetime movies or something. </p>
<p>With luck, and I do trust her judgment, it’ll all be fine. But I’m not trusting my only daughter to dumb luck.</p>
<p>You want to check him out before she gets serious. Once she falls in love, it wouldn’t matter if he is a serial killer. I am very good with search engines and could get most people’s history in few minutes. When D1 was dating her first BF in college, she was coy about who he was. She told me which school he was attending, fraternity, state he was from, his dad’s occupation (lawyer), sport he played in high school. In half an hour, I emailed her his picture, high school he went to, his sister’s name, his parents names, how much they sold their house for, his family’s new address, and which law firm his father worked at. All done through Internet search for free. Ever since then, D1 just tells me right up front, saves both of us a lot of time.</p>
Wow, oldfort - impressive indeed! I see a detective novel series or maybe a TV show in your future. Internet-savvy mom checks people out online for a variety of reasons without leaving the living room. I’d watch that. :)</p>
<p>My standards are simple and it’s a pretty low bar. I couldn’t keep my mouth shut if there was evidence of abuse or criminal activity. There are many reasons to dislike a prospective son- or daughter-in-law, but I can’t think of a better way to drive a wedge between parent and child than criticizing the person the child has chosen to love because the parent doesn’t like their politics, last name, educational level, income, tattoos/piercings/lack thereof, whatever. </p>
<p>My future son-in-law is a smoker and I’m terribly upset about the threat to his health. He’s very considerate, never smokes anywhere but outside, and has tried to quit a number of times - maybe next time he’ll succeed. I’m as anti-tobacco as it gets but my d is a grown-up who knows about the dangers of tobacco. Not my job anymore to protect her from it (and she wouldn’t listen to me, anyway!).</p>
<p>LongPrime – Darn right. People lie. Anybody remember the story a couple of years about the wife who confronted her spouse about his bs ‘going to medical school’ story? He killed her and fled. There’s always an outside chance. If somebody had hired a detective, even an internet one, (What do you charge, Oldfort?) that story wouldn’t have made it past the first call to the college. </p>
<p>Frazzled 1 – I don’t care about tattoos (hard to find a boy without them these days), last name, race, income, etc. I care if he is honest and, if he has made dumb mistakes, what he’s done to improve himself. For instance, if he has children already, I want to know if he’s taking care of them. I’ll want to know if he has DUI’s, because that says a great deal about his judgment. If he has questionable activities behind him, what does he say about them? Does he take responsibility for his actions or is everything not his fault because ‘my boss, my teachers, the cops are out to get him’? </p>
<p>It’s just due diligence, the same care I would take if any member of the family wanted to go into a business partnership, because a marriage <em>is</em> also that. You don’t take it on faith alone. This young man will be spending time under our roof, have access to her life, her money, and her heart. If he’s a dead-beat dad, a love-'em-and-leave-'em, a criminal, I want to know so I can take appropriate actions, even if she insists on keeping him in her life for any of the 100,000 reasons women keep such low-life guys around.</p>