<p>^^^^Would never do these searches. The one relationship I am responsible for is mine with my kids. Each would be so hurt and enraged if I behaved like this. </p>
<p>And I don’t think that misery can be avoided this way either. Many seemingly paper perfect situations blow up, and those that are not so perfect endure and prosper.</p>
<p>
But … is it the parent’s place to do this kind of a search? Hiring a private detective would be a violation of my family’s parent-adult child boundaries (not saying everyone’s). Regarding due diligence - if you’re not involved in a business and your child is, is it your place to scope out potential partners? I know my own children would never forgive me if I did something like this without their knowledge, for business OR romantic partners. And it wouldn’t go so well if I told them in advance that I planned to call a detective, either. They’d NEVER give permission for me to do so. I’m going to trust that, as adults, they know how to choose their own partners. I’m thankful my parents saw it the same way.</p>
<p>I would think that many adults would cut off all ties with their parent if they found out about that behavior.</p>
<p>From a young-adult perspective… I’m really not feeling strongly either way. Eh, I’ll probably blow up at you, but a day later, it’s forgive-and-forget–not a big deal, too paranoid but eh.</p>
<p>If my mother asked, I’d probably tell her no; but if she insisted, or even if she asked for it as a Christmas present ('tis the season), I wouldn’t mind all that much. If I trust my partner enough to seriously consider marrying him, then I trust him enough to be telling me the truth, and who cares if someone else is hired to verify it?</p>
<p>I am withdrawing DS from your lists or rather your DD is now off MY list. </p>
<p>Now you will never know.
:)</p>
<p>One of my extended family members was dating a guy who didn’t seem quite right. He talked a good talk, but a few of us in the family thought we should run a background check. In the end we decided not to because if we found out anything, it would ruin our relationship with her. Several years into this woman’s marriage there are still land mines and red flags, everywhere. They have no children, thankfully. He is not abusive. If he was, we would have run that check. </p>
<p>One of those red flags was that when they were dating he was still married but separated (okay, that happens). Second one - that he had not talked or seen his teenage son in a couple of years at that point (hmmm. Gotta ask why?) Third one was that he said he had a certain degree - an MBA - yet, in conversation, seemed to lack any kind of knowledge or insight about business, marketing, economics, management. Even those without a business background thought he was full of crap. He had a poor track record with his mom, his brothers and his wife/ex-wife and son. Never had a nice thing to say about ANYONE in his family - which to me sets off bells. Nothing, ever? Why would he think anything different with a new person in his life? </p>
<p>At the very least, I will do some google checking when my kids bring home any serious contenders. Like oldfort, I can find out a lot about people with a minimum of effort.</p>
<p>If I conducted a search on the Internet (especially right away) and my kids found out, they would never tell me anything of importance again and I can’t say I would blame them. My kids call that sort of thing stalking. And I’m not sure any of that information means much as it is in terms of how someone would treat my child.</p>
<p>As a youngster I don’t know how I feel about parents looking into background checks. On the one hand I can see why someone would feel like it’s overstepping a boundary-- I am inclined to agree, but on the other hand I know that there are a lot of dangerous people out there and unfortunately some of us, particularly us youngsters, are too naive to be on the lookout for that-- it makes you “paranoid” if you don’t have the stereotypical i-am-invincible attitude, it is something I am constantly mocked for among my peers. I am not sure if there really is a right or wrong answer. My mom had said she wanted to do a background check on my last boyfriend (NOT my fiance),I don’t even remember why, and had she done some looking we would have found out he was a married sex offender and saved me a lot of grief. In hindsight I wish she had looked, I was too naive to realize that there are these kinds of risks in dating. Eighteen year olds do not think of these things, those sorts of things only happen to other people, and old people.</p>
<p>^^^</p>
<p>I see your point, but if I ever found out that future in-laws had looked up the price I sold my home for, I would be very angry and have a hard time getting over that. That’s my information; it has nothing to do with my kid and what kind of spouse he or she would be.</p>
<p>But LongPrime – How will <em>you</em> know?</p>
<p>Mimk6 – Google yourself. It’s fascinating. And finding out basic info like that is easy. Zillow.com + 30 seconds.</p>
<p>Frazzled 1 – If they need me to co-sign or invest, darn right I’ll be doing due diligence. If my D is 30 and going into partnership for business, then it’s her affair.</p>
<p>After reading this thread, I just google-checked myself to see what it turns up. Not much. I guess I am a non-person.</p>
<p>Novelisto, zillow.com made me look quite interesting. I don’t know where they get their stuff but I have no idea what they are talking.</p>
<p>The home sales data is public info - in my neck of the woods, it takes just a couple of clicks on the county’s website to find out what we paid for our house and how much our annual taxes are. Nowadays, however, it is not that important what the Joneses paid for their house - their LTV figure is more revealing ;)</p>
<p>Iglooo – with me you have to put in my name (boringly common) and then an identifier word. Bingo – you’d think I’m famous or something.</p>
<p>The background search doesn’t have to have malicious intent…idle curiosity can bring up a host of things.</p>
<p>
Well, in that case it’s certainly your business - but that wasn’t specified in the original scenario.</p>
<p>To avoid gossiping I have learned to reign in my idle curiosity. It is so easy for me to abuse the internet. I just don’t go stalking folks except celebrities when I am in a very weak place. I would prefer to use my time more constructively – the internet is a black hole.</p>
<p>My ex was paper perfect but walked out. My H has more bumps than a pickle, but is still right here. He’s been a difficult spouse for his own reasons, one of which would have shown up on the internet. His low paying job was a red flag, but I didn’t need an internet to tell me that. I dove in, probably misguidedly, but hey, I was 35 and desperately wanted kids. They are awesome.</p>
<p>Life doesn’t always come in pretty packages – people have flaws, mistakes. Sometimes we have spiritual lessons to learn, too. I wouldn’t want to intervene unless it was necessary. The young lady who tried desperately to come between me and my son was text book perfect.</p>
<p>I was direct with him and didn’t go behind his back. If I had, he probably wouldn’t be speaking to me now.</p>
<p>I read my kids this thread and they cheered at my initial post. Some of the kids are saying they wouldn’t mind some behind the scenes snooping, and if that’s the case, you and your children have a different understanding than my children and I do. My 21 and 23-year-olds would definitely not accept “investigating” behavior on my part.</p>
<p>^And I think that’s the most important part, to understand YOUR relationship with YOUR children. </p>
<p>For example, my American-born-and-bred, football-loving BF is constantly shocked at what passes for “courtesy” in my family. By American cultural standards, we are very rude to each other. 
But it works for us, because OUR cultural standard is that if you have to be polite to your family (by “polite” I mean up to and including saying thank you, restraining your tone of voice), then they aren’t really your family. I literally can’t remember the last time my parents said “thank you” (in any language) to each other, and yet, they’ve been happily married–including the, uh, intimate aspect, dontaskmehowiknow–for going on 20 years.</p>
<p>reposted from another thread.
</p>
<p>quoting myself above.</p>
<p>I think each situation stands on its own. If people give you reason to wonder…you should wonder. If people conceal things from you, you should be healthily curious. If stories don’t seem to add up, you should check on them.</p>
<p>But if you are old enough to get married mommy or daddy should not check on them for you.</p>
<p>…but mommy and/or daddy can teach you how to do such a check, e.g., by checking on your previous GF/BF ;)</p>
<p>I agree- parents can and should teach their children to be careful about who they commit to or even who they get involved with as friends but there are certain steps best left to the adult involved in the relationship.</p>