<p>When I google myself the only thing that comes up is for my business and I have worked hard (and paid money) to get that stuff to come up. I’m sure you could find out more, but you’d have to do more than just enter my name.</p>
<p>Nothing that is important relationship-wise about my husband or his family would come up in an Internet search.</p>
<p>Well as an 18 year old, I have to say that I think you should be able to politely give your opinion. Of course if the relationship isn’t abusive you can’t expect them to just dump them because you don’t like the relationship.</p>
<p>I also want to chime in on whether it is appropriate to call adults by their first names.
when I was little I called one of my best friend’s parent by her first name, because that was how I was raised. I later found out that her mom was not my biggest fan because although I was “a nice girl” she thought it was disrespectful that I called her by her first name. It never even occured to me to do differently! I think if you have a preference you should say so, although it is my opinion that it is respectful on a very formal level to call someone Mr or Mrs. But on an emotional, personal level it is actually more respectful to refer to somene by their first name because otherwise you sound distant and unfamiliar.</p>
<p>" – Google yourself. It’s fascinating. And finding out basic info like that is easy. Zillow.com + 30 seconds."</p>
<p>Yes, so now you know that the boyfriend’s parents live in a house worth $x. What does that tell you about the character of the person? Absolutely nothing.</p>
<p>I agree with myth mom – ewwww to the ma’am and sir! I realize for some people, that’s just being polite – but that’s rude here in the north to address people whose names you know by ma’am and sir, which are titles reserved for strangers that you have no relationship with.</p>
<p>I once told a family member that I thought they shouldn’t marry without counseling first. I felt the man was controlling and potentially abusive. They told me he refused to go to any counseling. I said I wouldn’t marry someone who refused and that I considered it a deal breaker. They married. I kept my mouth shut. Years later a painful divorce. My point is that i said something once and only once.
As far as filing a complaint about abuse in the earlier post it is difficult if they are over age and not willing to file themselves. Trust me I tried.</p>
<p>Pizzagirl – Well, if they spend all their time poor-mouthing and trying to borrow money from the in-laws, and you know they sold their house for a $Mint…that might tell you quite a bit.</p>
<p>My Dad hated my husband when we were dating, even banned him from the house and refused to attend our wedding. Fast forward a couple of decades and it was my husband who was holding my Dad’s hand when he died. Thankfully, my father could admit when he was wrong and my husband is a good one for accepting an apology without holding a grudge.</p>
<p>I called my MIL and FIL “Mr. and Mrs. In-Laws” for all of my marriage until they died.</p>
<p>My D1 is dating a young man I’m not wild about. He’s good to her, hardworking, but has the Jersey Shore persona. But the real sticking point is that his mother is absolutely, pathologically vicious to her son and to my daughter.</p>
<p>I’ve googled DS so much that he now comes up as the first hit. :)</p>
<p>It’s kinda fun to see other people with the same name on goog.</p>
<p>I gotta try and work on Bing. :)</p>
<p>I’m not a fan of my son’s gf, she has been rude to me on more then one ocasion. I told my son that it was unacceptable to be treated rudely in my own home. I didn’t ask him to or expect him to break up with her. I expected him to explain the courtesy rules of our home. My husband had a talk with him also, they are still dating, I still don’t like her but I really don’t spend any time with her. I hope they don’t wind up married, but hey they are only 19 and maybe her attitude will improve over time! Her mom probably did a little “investigating” of our family, she doesn’t like people from our area or our socio-economic group and has made that clear.</p>
<p>I feel that a kid (old enough to get married) should make his/her own decisions about the person he/she wants to marry. I’d offer my opinion if one of my kids asked me and I’d be truthful if I really felt someone was really objectionable. With respect to finances, I’d feel perfectly comfortable if my kid had a sizable inheritance/trust to suggest that he/she have the intended sign a pre-nup. I think that makes sense–it’s money that was given to the kid and it’s a way to help protect that money in case of a divorce down the road.</p>
<p>I get the feeling that a lot of parents are just not going to like whomever their sons or daughters date or marry just “because”; they will always believe “they could do better.” </p>
<p>Lacking some clear danger signals (abuse, addiction, criminal or legal troubles, many of the red flags already mentioned, in which case it’s essential to discuss), I don’t think it’s appropriate to tell any adult child whom to date or marry, nor do I think it’s smart to give anyone a laundry list of reasons why you “just don’t like” someone they love. I think that could backfire on you big time. </p>
<p>That said, neither of my D’s have gotten serious yet about anyone they’ve dated, so I can’t say categorically what I would do in that situation. I hope I would behave the way I would have wanted MY family to behave towards a man that I truly love.</p>
<p>I saw this in another thread and thought it would be a good quote to remember as my children move towards adulthood:</p>
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<p>There are many wise ministers/rabbis who meet with couples a few times before performing a marriage. Sometimes, when they see red flags, they tell the couple that they must get some professional counseling before they will perform a marriage ceremony. I wish more ministers would take this approach. Sometimes when those couples get into counseling, they realize that they need more time or that they are not well-suited for each other, which saves a lot of grief later.</p>
<p>I often google new people I meet myself. I also google my offspring’s friends. While I do get kidded about “stalker mommy,” I don’t see anything wrong with doing that. </p>
<p>I have a married “kid” now. Said kid’s spouse’s mom also googled my kid . (My kid says I am better at it than spouse’s mom 
though). </p>
<p>When my kid fell in love I was a long way away. I didn’t get to meet “the one” until it was really serious. If I had found any major inconsistencies, I would have said something. </p>
<p>My uncle did hire a private investigator to check out his D’s fiance many years ago. He didn’t find anything but my uncle was convinced that there was something not quite right about the guy. Many years and several children later my cousin learned the hard way that her father’s instincts had been correct.</p>
<p>While I vote in the “zip your lip” camp for the most part, I would say something if I found a different story out there than the one I was hearing. For example, if I found out someone was married, I’d tell my kid. </p>
<p>In the old days, many if not most people married people from the community. Nowadays, people meet and fall in love with people from different “worlds.” I don’t think googling for the kind of info you’d know if you lived in the same town is wrong.</p>
<p>We all look at Adam Wheeler, the kid who got into Harvard by concocting a false history for himself. We say “Where was Harvard?'” What if your D was dating Adam Wheeler? Would you just think
“well I trust her judgment?” </p>
<p>Please understand that I don’t google in the expectation of finding out something bad. I just google to find out more about someone my kid is dating or spending a lot of time with as a friend.</p>
<p>oops! College son just looked over my shoulder and saw me reading this thread. Now he’s really upset. He thinks I don’t like his serious girlfriend. I was just reading because it seemed like an interesting discussion. Jeesh!</p>
<p>Well, I think there is a difference between stealth googling and keeping the results to yourself (in the absence of something like finding out the person was a sex offender) and the overt “I’m going to google and tell you what I found about your bf / gf,” as (I think) novelisto described upthread.</p>
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<p>I’m not sure how new that is in this country. My parents were from two different worlds and met in the U.S. Both of my father’s siblings married someone who grew up on the other side of the world. I’ve known many families where the parents came from different worlds and they somehow made it work without Google. We now live in a world of copious information and over-sharing. I’m not so sure that Google is a great substitute for community.</p>
<p>When he/she has to visit the other in prison. Big red flag ;-}</p>
<p>barrons – LOL!!</p>
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<p>You would think so, but I have distant family members who don’t seem to be fazed by this.</p>
<p>Barrons, that’s so funny - it sounds as if it came from an SNL skit (or one of Letterman’s top 10 lists)! ;)</p>