<p>OTOH you had George and “prison sex”.</p>
<p>Pizzagirl – I don’t believe I said: the overt “I’m going to google and tell you what I found about your bf / gf,” as (I think) novelisto described upthread. </p>
<p>If you got that impression, it is erroneous.</p>
<p>That was me. But I only did it once to let D1 know that I was capable of doing it, since then it’s just full disclosure. My girls say I always seem so nice to their friends, what often seem like idle chit chat, in fact I am gathering information. So far it has only been D1’s boyfriends, so D2 likes to give her commentary afterwards.</p>
<p>We’ve never confronted this or even close. Our son seems to be holding back from pursuing a relationship with a great girl (daughter of a neighbor, friends for years, attractive, bright, spunky, shares some the same interests) who has been displaying signs of interest for years. </p>
<p>I’d always err on the side of respecting my kids’ judgment, but not if it seemed flawed. No question on abuse. I’d go beyond talking to intervene quickly if I could. Other than abuse, I would do a little online searching if the story didn’t seem to make sense. I don’t believe that at age 20, my kids would object, though I suspect at age 35 they wouldn’t. My own approach would usually not be to say “don’t marry that girl/guy” (except in the case of abuse, sexual offender, fraud, etc.) but rather, here are my concerns. Relationships are hard enough when you are singing from the same sheet music. Much harder if there are fundamental reasons not to trust the other person.</p>
<p>Fun thread!</p>
<p>Googling: I am good at this, too. As a result, my children have decided to limit severely the amount of information they give me. They were not amused. I have decided not to share with them what I learn anymore.</p>
<p>What to say: My parents thought my girlfriend was wrong for me and let me know it. Thirty years later, they are still paying for that. Their relationship with my wife got off on the wrong foot, and stayed there, despite efforts on both sides to make things better. If there is one thing they could go back and re-do, that would be it, or at least one of the top five.</p>
<p>What I have said: Based on the experience of another family member, and not apropos of any specific bf/gf of theirs, I have told my children several times: “You know what’s a really bad idea? Marrying someone you met in rehab.”</p>
<p>They also know from extended-family experience that when your boyfriend tells you that his interest in occasional cross-dressing isn’t a big deal and doesn’t mean anything he’s probably lying to himself, too.</p>
<p>Another Googler here, or as it’s known in our house, Google-creeping or Google-stalking.</p>
<p>“I am more in the mind set of that D1 should be smart enough to know if the guy is a total loser.”</p>
<p>I agree that she SHOULD be. But too often, it’s not what I see in the real world. I wish desperately that smart people in general applied those smarts to evaluation of losers. A lot of them don’t.</p>
<p>I couldn’t care less about the Googling. In fact, when it’s happened, I was pleased that my parents were taking an interest in my boyfriend. My dad has said things like, “I went to Z’s research page; so he studies sustainable water systems?” In my view, that was great. If they’d found conclusive proof of something untoward, like outstanding child support payments, I’d be eternally grateful. The guy I’m dating at the moment has a name like John Smith, so he is un-Google-able. Should that be a red flag? :)</p>
<p>^^^^Yep. Dump him.:)</p>
<p>Just get the fingerprints and run them through the FBI’s computer to make sure that it’s really his name :)!</p>
<p>Get his Social Security number…it’s the key! (I’m joking…I’m joking!)</p>
<p>I think the secret to the Google stalking is to get your kids used to it at a young age. Heck, they need to understand that *anybody *can get this kind of info.</p>
<p>As for when to say something about the BF/GF, I think the best thing is to keep communications as open as possible from the beginning. In other words, if you talk about everything (or almost everything), it can make it easier to point out (or better, ask about) red flags.</p>
<p>If your kid has only dated other good kids from families you know, then the Google thing sounds overboard; if your kid gets mixed up with someone sketchy, someone you can instinctively tell is all wrong, then you face the choices.</p>
<p>DD was dating a guy who turned into a stalker, because she was far away and all, we did not initially get involved (before we knew the bad stuff) Once things became obviously not good (to me, not ye to her) I did a lot of Googling to reinforce my gut feelings and only later did I show her the results, initially I just used that proof to ensure that I was accurate in my evaluation.</p>
<p>Finding his prior arrest record which also showed he was 8 years older than he was telling people plus the various charges…yeah, that was good to know, wish I’d known it sooner.</p>
<p>That said, I cannot picture doing some sort of mega search on my other Dds current & prior BFs.</p>