We were unable to give our parents a 50th anniversary party, so this year my siblings and I are planning a 60th/dad’s 85th’/ mom’s 80th party. Mom just gave us her invitation list and she wants to invite the cousin who repeatedly sexually abused me as a very young child. Mom aware I was abused but dad is not.
I have not seen this man in 33 years and not sure how I will respond to seeing him. And furious that she wants to invite him. She was very supportive of him when he returned home to care for his dying other (her sister) and vacationed with him after her death. I was banned by her from visiting the aunt or attending her funeral for fear of making him uncomfortable.
I am thinking of telling her that I want her to enjoy her party and so will stay away if he attends so that she will not worry about us both there. I’d REALLY like to tell her off but that would accomplish nothing.
As a survivor, I would never, ever attend an event with my abuser there and to be honest, I don’t know if I’d be nearly as nice to my parents as you are if they were maintaining a relationship with someone who hurt me.
I’d stay away and I’m very sorry you’re in this position. ( hugs)
Are any of your siblings aware of the abuse where they could step in and have a heart to heart discussion with your mom about this and the inappropriateness of having the guy there in your presence? Sometimes it can be helpful to have a caring and supportive 3rd party involved as it is, no doubt and rightly so, an emotional issue for you. Anyone you trust in the family that can step in and talk some sense to your mom? Your presence and comfort should take high priority over this cousin.
Has your mom attempted to explain her support of this person?
Just trying to understand her logic.
I’m assuming she discovered the abuse, if you were very young?
Did she ever report him?
I guess not if your dad doesn’t know.
How/why can you keep a secret like that from your spouse-co-parent?
Awful situation.
I would think about asking him to stay away myself.
I’m with musica!
I would not attend. Your mother owes explanation to your dad. You don’t owe anyone anything. Be the good daughter by not attending. Hugs!!!
I wouldn’t attend and I agree with BB–your mother can explain it to your Dad. How awful for you! Did you ever ask your mother why she continues to have contact with your cousin (I’m assume he’s your Mom’s nephew?).
You’re right – telling her off won’t do much, as it’s clear through her past actions that your well-being was not her concern. You’ve already been a “good daughter” by continuing to show love and support to her while she’s been loving and supporting someone who has abused you. If I were you, I wouldn’t go.
Your mother’s made it clear she prefers the cousin to you, her own daughter who was terribly abused under her watch. You’re conflicted but your mother isn’t conflicted at all - she wants the cousin there and doesn’t really care if you’re there or not. That should make your decision fairly easy.
I’m so sorry, @KKmama, that your mom has insisted on choosing cousin over you. I certainly can understand choosing not to attend. I’d assume your sibs and other adults you are close to would be willing to ask your mom to remove abuser from guest list, but if not, I’d certainly not attend and have to be at the same event with him. Sorry you aren’t getting the support from mom that you deserve.
I don’t have any suggestions beyond what others have written but I do want to say that I’m sorry for what you went through years ago and I’m sorry for what you’re going through now. I can’t fathom what your mother is thinking and the pain this has caused you. Sending hugs.
Ugh, this makes me feel sick, literally! If my mother did this to me, I don’t think I could/would talk to her again. I would forgive her, but I would want no contact with her. I’m so sorry.
Consider the possibility there may be other victims in your family. In other words, there may be other people who also do not want him there and it will be difficult for them to explain the reason.
Also, be aware of the obligations of mandatory reporter laws.
Please just say no, you are not able to attend. Whether he is attending or not the fact that she invited him is enough to say you will not/ cannot attend.
Make a plan for that time with a good supportive person to do something nice.
If your Dad asks you tell him the truth.
If you Mother pressure’s you tell her that you would like to remind her that you were sexually abuse and will not be in the same room as your abuser.
Say only what you must as you no longer need to explain.
Hugs
If you continue to be pressured or ignored tell your mother that it is long past the time you father should
have been told and that either she can or you will.
To answer some questions:
Mother had 4 kids within 5 years of her marriage at 19. Overwhelmed and not good At parenting. She prayed to miscarry me (3rd daughter). Prayed for me to die while I was hospital with pneumonia and she found out she was pregnant with my brother (lucky for him he was male so welcomed). Two years ago she also prayed for miscarriage of her firstborn greatgrandchild and is still cool toward her unwed granddaughter. Know this because she told me.
My cousin saved my sister’s life about four years before he began abusing me. She was 2, and fell off a dock into deep water. He was 11 and jumped in to pull her out. So he saved favorite daughter and orally raped one. Complicates things for her.
Has to be invited to party he was their ring bearer.
Not to justify things but cousin is decent guy. Overcame troubled childhood and has been clean and sober since around age 25. Thank karma- never had children. Surgery for undescended testicle left him sterile.
My sisters say they were not abused but I do not believe the one whose life he saved. I told my mother about 20 years ago because my then 5 year old disabled cousin was going to attend a party that I could not attend and he would be (he lives half the country away from home). She immediately asked about my sisters and said she was glad they were not abused then changed topic.
My dad does not know because he would have felt guilty and it would have destroyed him. If I had told him when I told mom, would have given me support but at great cost to him. He tried to get counseling for me as child but mom refused. Now has early dementia so no way would I tell him anything but that I can’t get off work.
Abuse was frequent over two years. Dad apparently aware something not right. Mom in denial. Plenty of reasons kids do not tell.
KKMama, I am so sorry. What a complicated family situation. I am so sorry that your mom doesn’t get it. It’s very selfish of her to insist inviting your abuser.
I would not go under those circumstances. I would explain to your siblings why. If they don’t understand, shame on them.
If anyone questions you, say that your therapist advised you not to (we are all your therapists ).
I would have a strong male friend call this guy and tell him while he will be receiving an invitation, he will not be attending. I would not think it inappropriate to have discreet security at the event to make sure he does not forget that he is not attending. Short of that, I would not attend. You don’t owe anyone an explanation.
Electron blue: you don’t quite get it. I would be the one kicked out. My mother would want me gone for creating a scene. It is her party and she wants him there. My SIL offered to lose his invitation but mommy dearest would hate us both (then again, she probably already does).
She will be happier complaining that I could not get away than if I show up if cousin is there. If he plans to attend I will stay away. And tell her privately why.
I’m so sorry.
).