KKmama, why do you even want to go? Be kind to yourself; you deserve it more than your so called mother.
I am so, so, so sorry. I would do what you are doing. I would just cough up the money and not attend. Your mother will NEVER change. Just know that in your heart when she and your Dad are gone, that you did the right thing by helping your siblings with the finances for the party. I have something similar, but different, that occured in my family (not me). I don’t want to go into it, but I DO KNOW all the uncomfortable, unspoken, silent discomfort that comes along with these types of situations. Big Hugs to you.
I understand what you are dealing with…families are complex. And people may have forgiven him and moved on. But for you it is different, esp since it is largely left undiscussed?
What about this: get a sibling to work out him being there for x amount of time, like an hour, and then he leaves. They can just lay it out there…I know this happened, but mom wants you there. But WE want you to agree to leave at x:00, or not come at all.
I don’t know what to say about your mom. They do their best at that age, but sometimes their best is pretty bad.
^I like this idea.
Whatever you decide, remember that your emotional wellbeing is the most important thing. Be kind to yourself first.
If your are throwing the party you have the right to invite the people you want. I would not pay for any party where my abuser would be there. Your mother would have a choice to make.
^^I like @HRSMom’s idea, as well. A sibling could text you when the cousin has left.
I’m sorry your mom put you in this position. I suppose sometimes the pain of knowing what happened to a child is so great that a parent will do just about anything to suppress it or minimize it. I think it is wonderful that you still care for your mother in spite of this.
Is it possible that your mother, as she has aged, is not fully aware of what this means? Maybe her memory of the situation long ago isn’t there any more. Maybe her judgment is not so good anymore. That does happen as folks age.
I would talk to your siblings. In my opinion, this cousin should not be invited to this family event. Your mom gave you a list…you are (in my opinion) under no obligation to invite everyone on the list. Just don’t invite him.
As noted upstream…there very well could be other family members who were similarly abused.
Sorry, but this guy should not be invited. Period.
I know that maybe I am a petty person. But really it would be a line in the sand for me. And I think this situation is why sexual abuse still is still underreported and continues in families.
Because people will make excuses for the abuser and not protect the abused.
I feel bad that we are making excuses for KKMama’s mother. That’s she’s old, that her memory is bad. I think she wants to pretend that the abuse never happened or that KKMama exaggerated what happened. KKMama’s mother made her choice and I don’t see why KKMama has to work around her abuser.
I know this sounds harsh. It sounds like KKMama confronted her mother and she still decided to invite this person.
If your mom feels strongly that this man be present at her party, then I wouldn’t go nor pay. I might get together with siblings at another occasion. Are you local to mom? If so, have subs visit with you the evening before party. If not, just stay away.
Honestly, if I was your sibling, I wouldn’t be able to act friendly to this man. I’d postpone the party, once again.
I’d cross his name off the invite list. You’re the host–invite who you want.
Alternatively I think HRSMom has a good idea about limiting his time.
After reading this again, even if he were to stay away, you are hurting too much for this play pretend everything’s fine type event. Your issue is not with him, it’s with your mother. Her relationship with your abuser serves to invalidate your pain, and continues to victimize you. Be good to yourself. Book a weekend away with a good friend or significant other.
to heck with your mother tell her to throw her own party, oh and TELL YOUR FATHER AND THE POLICE!
Have you ever received counseling for the abuse you suffered? If not, GO. Regardless of the party, you must care for yourself.
@rumrunner - the OP has indicated that her father is in the early stages of dementia - would that help? Furthermore, the statute of limitations expired at least 30-40 years ago! If you don’t believe me, ask for speaker Denny Hastert. He will be arraigned in court this afternoon for bank transaction structuring violations and lying to the FBI, not for molesting students.
You are better than me. If my mom still had a relationship with my abuser she would be cut off! And why does your father not know? Why have him being nice to the POS that abused his daughter? I wouldnt attend the party!
I hope you are in counseling, because on some level you are still trying to please your mom, who has absolutely no regards for your mental well being.
((hugs to you))
Okay, I’m petty. I would NOT be a “good” daughter. She doesn’t sound like she was a “good” mother and she certainly isn’t behaving like one now.
Tell your family you will not be attending. Already, you’re a much better person than me if you’re paying your share to throw the party.
There are some things you owe your parents as a “good daughter.”
This is not one of them.
Let mom know that if he’s on the guest list, you won’t be attending. And that you’ll feel more than free to tell the truth to anyone who questions your absence.
No, don’t go.
I have to say it sounds like your mother is quite abusive as well. I would go even further and cancel the party. Or if it is out of your hands definitely don’t go and don’t contribute funds.
Another thing is you can throw the party but do not invite him. You don’t have to invite him if you are the one throwing the party. Why ruin for your dad and you?