this is so disturbing on so many levels, it’s never to late to “out” the creep, never too late to report it to the authorities regardless of “their” response or lack of response. the OP has a mountain of issues and she has my sympathy but she needs WAAAAAAY more than the sympathy of a stranger on the internet
I am sorry you are going through this. Hugs.
KKmama- I am so sorry that you are being forced to re-live your abuse in this manner. I think what stands out to me in your OP is that you were" banned by her from visiting the aunt or attending her funeral for fear of making him uncomfortable." She was worried about making HIM uncomfortable??? That says it all to me. I would flat out tell your Mom that you will not be attending the party and tell her why. Try not to be bitter but explain to her calmly how much it hurts to know that she apparently doesn’t care about what happened to you as a child and that she values the relationship with a child abuser more than she values that with her daughter. And then walk away. I would also leave it to her to explain to your father why you are not there. Maybe you can make plans to take your father out separately for his BD. If your siblings do not already know about the abuse and you feel comfortable telling them, you can do that. I would also make sure that anyone who has children who might ever be in a position to be with this cousin be warned. Just because he is now sterile does not mean he is no longer an abuser. Make big plans to do something fun for yourself on the day of the party. You deserve to be happy and you do not owe anything to your mother.
I’ve been thinking about this since I first read it last night. I am sorry your mom is the way she is and hasn’t supported you. She is not going to change now, but only you can decide how best to handle it.
My mom was dismissive of my story when I told her years later about a relative (by marriage) who was inappropriate with me. I know part of her fear was that I would create a scene and cause greater conflict for other family members who would be hurt by the knowledge. I was 19 at the time I told her, so kind of young. Part of me wishes I had been more vocal and forced her hand, but I felt vindicated enough just having told her, which then explained why I was so cool toward that branch of the family. My mom is just of another place and time. I would hear her say just awful things, such as if a man hit a woman on TV … “She brought that on herself.” She took my bf’s side when we had a fight. Gee, thanks, mom. Those things really helped crystallize for me what kind of relationship I could … and couldn’t … have with her. She was willing to accept her second-class status as a woman, but I wasn’t.
I think there are lots of good suggestions of work-arounds, such as the idea of staggered attendance for you and the cousin if you want to go. But I simply couldn’t let this pass without saying something to your mom about how hurtful it is that she would choose your abuser’s comfort over yours. I don’t think of this as “telling her off” but standing up for yourself. Our mothers sound the same in that men’s feelings should be preserved/protected over our own. I disagree and think you do, too. I wouldn’t expect your mom to change, but I think telling her your feelings could go a long way toward your healing.
And if your siblings know and are supportive a little shaming by them wouldn’t hurt! My mom used to do this little, kind of mean thing to all of us kids, and she denies it. She says she never did it. All three of us over an eight-year age span remember this exact thing happening to all of us repeatedly. We laugh about how she has conveniently forgotten this little “game.” Denial is a powerful thing. I wonder whether your mom even “remembers” your previous talk …
Good luck, and let us know how it turns out.
Your mother is, frankly, a despicable person. Her behavior goes far, far beyond denial. Your father, though, is not. He tried to help you, without knowing what really went on, and will probably be hurt and confused if you are not there.
I think this is what I would do: tell your siblings and you mother that this man will not be invited, period. Tell them why if they don’t already know. Have one of your siblings contact him and tell him that he is not invited to the party because of what he did to you, but that if anyone asks all of you will simply say that he “couldn’t make it,” so he should be prepared to say the same thing if anyone asks him. Tell him that if he makes a fuss or says he wasn’t invited and it gets back to you, that you will reveal the reason he wasn’t invited. Tell your mother that if she makes a fuss about his absence at the party that you WILL TELL people why he wasn’t invited. That should shut her up, in public anyway. And him, although it doesn’t sound as if he would make a fuss.
I, too, agree with @Youdon’tsay’s comments about how mom’s react/denial. I, too, had an adult male relative be inappropriate as a tween and didn’t tell mom until I was a young adult. Not until it came out that he was doing much worse things to others could it really seem to get clear for her because her memories of parties, etc., did not jive with mine. Just a data point.
No excuses though. I’m sorry and appalled that you are in this situation. Totally agree with others that likely there are other girls/maybe sisters who were also abused. It would be great if they were supportive but people get there in their own time. .
I probably wouldn’t tell dad at this point. I probably would try to get a 3rd party involved but that is awkward if you don’t think they are supportive or understanding of you. Failing any resolution like that, I’d make special plans with dad before the event because you have a reunion/out of town work/something on that weekend that you can’t get out of. I vacillate as to whether I would “make a scene” if you think he’s changed (do you??) … I would be more vocal if I thought there were other girls at risk—which is likely as that type of predilection doesn’t generally resolve itself.
You have no obligation to attend. Or plan it for that matter.
Can you tell your siblings? It would be best if they knew the whole story. You may be surprised that they will support you in this. And if they don’t, you have learned something valuable about your relationship with them.
I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. We have a similar situation in our family, so I have some understanding of what you are dealing with.
If I hear correctly what you’re saying, your father loved you but wasn’t aware of what happened to you. Due to his current mental state, you don’t want to tell him now. That sounds appropriate to me. You’re caring for him, as he would have cared for you.
Now your mom. She knew, and not only did she not give you the love and care you needed, she actually sided with your abuser. She played favorites with her children. And the worst sin - she let you know it. That’s not only bad parenting, it shows she is either sadistic at worst or self-absorbed at best.
It sounds like your siblings know what happened. If I were you, I’d tell them you don’t feel like you could pay for a party where your abuser’s feelings take precedence over yours. You deserve to not deal with that.
However, instead of just not going, I would take constructive action. I’d take the money you would have spent on the party, and donate it to a charity for a used kids or some kind of children’s care. Spend the day of the party volunteering somewhere. Letting this be a negative thing in your life is not healthy. Turn it into a positive action, and feel good about not going to this party.
Also, if you never got therapy for this, get some now. You deserve it. Loving and caring for family is important, but where the caring means you have to be victimized once again, it’s time to say no.
Please protect yourself, no matter what!
At this point your mother is more of the problem than your cousin is. Even if you all can convince her to not invite him officially, what is to stop her from calling him and telling him to come to the party? It sounds like he is the kind of person who would go, not caring about the effect on you. Or, he and your mother both might be “curious” about your reaction. To hell with them!
I don’t like the idea of having a third party talk to him or of having him come early and you go later. Just think of the stress that will put you under, wondering if you’ll run into him in the hallway, or down the street, or wherever. It is too dangerous to try.
The safest option is to not go to the party, to forget about any other big social events with your mother, and to take off for a fun weekend somewhere far, far, away from wherever the party is being held. You must keep yourself safe.
Make a special trip to see your Dad for his birthday, as long as it isn’t too close in time to the official party. He may not even remember that you weren’t there.
Thanks all. I usually deal pretty well with the abuse from mom and cousin. Just need validation from time to time. When I heard about the invite yesterday I needed support and figured I would get it here.
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My cousin saved my sister’s life about four years before he began abusing me. She was 2, and fell off a dock into deep water. He was 11 and jumped in to pull her out. So he saved favorite daughter and orally raped one. Complicates things for her.
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So what. Every bad person has done some good things. That doesn’t cancel out the bad.
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Now your mom. She knew, and not only did she not give you the love and care you needed, she actually sided with your abuser. She played favorites with her children. And the worst sin - she let you know it. That's not only bad parenting, it shows she is either sadistic at worst or self-absorbed at best.
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This is true. Let her have her party, just don’t be a part of it.
Why? Dad already has Alzheimer’s.
I don’t trust this cousin to come to the party and leave in an hour. OP didn’t respond if she lived locally, where she could host a dinner the night before. If she has to travel, then I’d pull out of everything–funding and planning.
I would not pay any money for the party. Seems like a better idea to contribute those funds to an organization that supports abused children. Tell your mother that’s what you are doing with the money.
Tell her you are inviting him then don’t.
I am 6 hours from parents. They live in upstate NY. Cousin lives in Kansas but his sister lives close enough to my parents that it is conceivable that he will visit her and attend party due to closeness to my mother. My daughter is 2 hours from my parents and will attend if cousin does not. I will go if he is not there and then hang for a few days at daughter’s mountain lake home to catch August meteor showers.
Spiritual counselor agrees with this plan. I have long given up hope for my mother and good at turning off emotions.
And I was long ago able to forgive him. Not mom.
Mandatory reporting laws are not a joke. They must be followed.
KKmama, I’m sure you’re nicer than I am, but I’d be tempted to make a donation in her name to an abuse survivors charity.
I am a mandated reporter. Statute of limitation for my case expired. Erg long time ago. Now my word against his opening situation in which he could sue me for liable.
So, KK, do you feel free of removing $ and support in planning?
Nope. Paying to help low income brother who started planning this thing. Doing it for. His sake. Will help pay and cook even if I do not attend