@KKmama, you are a very good person. I commend you and am glad that you have now allowed the abuse and your mom’s utter non-support and worse to cripple you emotionally and otherwise. There’s no reason you and your D can’t have a wonderful, joyous time anyway at her lovely home, regardless of the party and whatever others are choosing to do. I’d definitely avoid the party and plan a great time elsewhere.
I don’t understand how on earth she could support him over you. OMG. In view of all you’ve told us, I think I’d just have to say to her “him or me, your choice”. And go with it.
@KKmama - Kudos to you for your strength and resilience in the face of both abuse and a difficult upbringing. Although you are a victim, you are showing concern and caring when dealing with your extended family and are not letting yourself be victimized nor letting the dysfunction continue through your own actions by being a supportive family member. Please take comfort in how you are rising above the treatment you have received. Cyber hugs.
There is still something very wrong that this man wouldn’t feel too ashamed to be there. If he doesn’t realize how painful this would be for you, then he clearly is still very unwell.
If you’re not there, then what reason would be given to the other guests? I’m guessing that at some point, either during the party or after, the gossip of why you’re not there will end up revealing the true reason…these things tend to “come out in the wash.”
If your mom truly doesn’t want people to know, then the last thing she should want is HIM there. His absence won’t seem strange to the guests, a daughter’s absence will raise a lot of questions.
(feeling very sad that your mom has been so mentally unhealthy all these years that she was a source of pain, not comfort, thru all of this.)
What is your H’s feelings about this? I know that my H would want to strangle this guy if he showed up.
Brava to you @KKmama. Do whatever YOU want to do. And good for you for supporting your siblings.
KKmama, so terribly sorry about the ongoing abuse at the hand of your cousin and your mother.
Not necessarily a comfort, but a few thoughts.
It is quite possible that your mother’s extended family was involved in other sexually abusive relationships. Your mother may have been a victim, and keeper of secrets, which instead of giving her sympathy for you may have frightened her. Abuse victims may have issues with trust and distorted relationships throughout their lives. It seems quite possible that if your mother acknowledged your abuse, she might have to acknowledge her own abuse or a network of family secrets. It may be that your adolescent abuser was also a victim who your mother failed to protect from his abuser, causing guilt to her.
Many possible scenarios, which will not comfort you, but may explain a bit about why your mother has been unable to protect you.
Take care of yourself, whatever that means.
What musica said. More cyberhugs to you!
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We were unable to give our parents a 50th anniversary party, so this year my siblings and I are planning a 60th/dad’s 85th’/ mom’s 80th party. Mom just gave us her invitation list and she wants to invite the cousin who repeatedly sexually abused me as a very young child. Mom aware I was abused but dad is not.
I have not seen this man in 33 years and not sure how I will respond to seeing him. And furious that she wants to invite him. She was very supportive of him when he returned home to care for his dying other (her sister) and vacationed with him after her death.
I was banned by her from visiting the aunt or attending her funeral for fear of making him uncomfortable.
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I am bothered by this last sentence. You’ve been made to feel that you have no choice about him being there because it’s “mom’s party”. However, when it wasn’t “mom’s party”, SHE STILL GOT TO CALL THE SHOTS!!!
Poop on that!
HUGS for you, KKmama. I agree with others that YOU need to take care of YOU. Maybe you could visit dad and have your own celebration before or after the party.
As a daughter and a mother, I can’t even imagine your mother’s behavior. I am sorry.
Another voice to support you, KKmama, do what you need to do for yourself. Having grown up with great dysfunction, I know that carefully choosing your own ethical path in life has intrinsic rewards. But it is harder to figure out how to protect your own interests, put yourself and your feelings first for a change. You mom has made her choices, and I wish you strength in supporting this party, but not subjecting yourself to the pain and awkwardness of being present. Hugs, and be sure to let us know how this develops.
Guessing if you look up the DSM5 description of a narcissistic person that you might find your own mother’s personality. If you do please read the book “Daughters of narcissitic Mother’s”.
Noithing to do with forgiving her at all but a way a of understanding her and the pain she has inflicted.
As I said in an earlier post–do not go. But I really appreciate the responses here as there is much wisdom.
The other day, my dad was with a priest and asked about a situation he found very upsetting whether he should pray for understanding. He was gently counseled that it is better to pray for acceptance (not understanding)–the serenity to accept the things he cannot change. That seemed to be helpful and insightful for these situations we sometimes find ourselves in.
@HImom
That’s the Serenity Prayer:
Lord, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.
The OP cannot change the past, or her mom’s attitudes.
But she can change the expectation that she will be in the same room as her abuser.
Hugs to you @kkmama.
Your mom’s thought process is very strange regarding the abuse. As @merlin said, it’s so strange that maybe it’s because your mom, too, was sexually abused and she is trying to block it out? Or could be the narcissistic personality disorder as another poster suggested. Given that it happened so long ago, maybe your mother actually forgot that you were sexually abused by this guy. I would talk to her by yourself or have your sibs talk to her or go with the sibs , and tell her very bluntly that cousin did ____ to you so you can’t handle being in the same room as the guy. If she still defends this guy, even while knowing this info in a current and fresh manner, then please don’t attend to protect your own emotional well being. and I would say that you should also not pay for the party either. Take your money and spend it and and spend the time with someone who respects you.
But given her age and memory, it’s possible that she forgot this or repressed this memory and really does not “know” about it. So really you should tell her at least the facts.
This. Just don’t go. Even if you’re able to arrange for him to be absent, it’s going to be tense with the rest of your family. You are the reason this “wonderful guy” couldn’t be there, and it’s obvious how they will feel about that. It’ll be just one more reason for them to kick you. Why put yourself into a situation that has no possible good outcome for you?
I can see no upside to attending. Take care of yourself. You deserve a lot more love than attention than it appears your mom is able to provide you.
Abuser’s invitation is going to get lost. My daughters were both at family wedding with me and reminded me my mother hAtes my sister in law and I anyway. We don’t have anything to lose by not sending it.
I like that solution. YOU should be there. He should not. You are hosting. End of story. Much support to you. And post party meteor shower with your daughter sounds lovely. How beautiful that you have a close relationship with your kids, breaking that cycle. Go you!
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Abuser’s invitation is going to get lost.
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Good!!!
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My daughters were both at family wedding with me and reminded me my mother hAtes my sister in law and I anyway. We don't have anything to lose by not sending it.
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? Your mother hates YOU and your SIL (the party planners?), so she can’t hate you both any more than she already does?
Yikes!
{{ hugs }} Yes, I second the suggestion that you and your DDs have a post-party together…with SIL, I guess, too!
NPD moms can be unbelievable. Some aren’t this hateful, but I think they all are very self-serving.
Just be careful. What if abuser hears about the party from another relative and shows up. Or mother wonders why he didn’t rsvp and calls him to invite him. Throwing away the invitation is satisfying, but passive aggressive.