Attend or skip parent's party?

Parent Cafe
81

I don’t want to defend OP’s mother, exactly, but I think there is some confusion about the timeline. As I read OP’s posts, her mother didn’t know about the abuse when it happened, but was only told about it 20 years ago–long after it happened. The abuser was apparently a juvenile when this occurred. I still think it was wrong to want to invite him, but the situation is not quite what some people seem to be thinking it is.

82

^^^even if that’s the case, the fact that Mom didn’t want the OP to visit her dying Aunt because it would make the abuser uncomfortable says it all- she’s more worried about him than her daughter. It also tells me she does believe he abused her daughter.

83

Doesn’t anyone in the group of extended family/friends know the abuser and be trustworthy to just keep him away from the party? It is a least a little odd to have a party with one of the hosts absent.

Also, I don’t consider this to be your mother’s party. It seems to me that it is your party and the other hosts’ party, in honor of your mother and the various anniversary events. Taking your mother’s input on the guest list makes sense, but ignoring people on the list that you don’t want to invite seems perfectly sensible to me.

84

Why would the abuser even want to come?? If his invitation is “lost” and he hears about the party and that op is one of the hosts…surely he’d get it at some level. But, people surprise me all the time with what they do and don’t remember or forgive themselves of…

I think there is some old school - the past is the past thinking going on with the mom.

85

Another way of looking at this, KKmama: Your abuser is the son of the aunt that your mother would not let you see, nor attend her funeral?

Then I think you are entitled to take the view that direct parent-child relationships trump everything else, when it comes to people being present at the same time. Most people would take this view anyway, if cousins are estranged.

You should be at the party and your abuser should not. Someone else needs to help you out with this–maybe a friend of your brother’s?