<p>Yesterday I attended a shower for a dear friend’s daughter in law. There were about 45 woman there. I am a close fiend of 3 or 4 women…most of the rest I knew from the time our kids at 4.</p>
<p>Parents of CC: I can now say about most of the discussions about “rules”, Ivys versus state schools, prestige versus scholarship at a different university, and (my personal favorites) are my kid is going in 6th grade and isn’t in advanced math…lose sight of one thing: How lucky most of us are.</p>
<p>I heard numerous stories of Utah, no jobs, parent estrangement (and I am not blaming the kids or parents), mental illness, contracts about cars/schools/significant others and a few kids with legal issues, others your basic grab bag of things that we don’t want for our children.</p>
<p>The venue was a country club, the parents are professionals (and some are stay at home moms), there were women there that I knew (some I have lost touch with). When I returned home I called all my kids just to say I love you. There is a world out there that I don’t want to be a part of…and the why is not important (I don’t know why one kid fails and another survives). But whoa are we lucky!</p>
<p>Bevhills, While I’m glad your experience was humbling and allowed you to put things in perspective, I also suspect we have our share of those stories on CC, only members are not so forthright with them (to be fair, several members have been very open, but I’m sure, not all).</p>
<p>Yes, I realize how good I’ve had it with my kids, though. We’re pretty lucky.</p>
<p>My perspective has been that most of us have been faced with challenges be it from our children or family. But we have made it through. So many of the women yesterday have kids who are in their 20s and 30s and they aren’t ok. The parents (for the most part) did do their best. The best wasn’t good enough.</p>
<p>Bevhills, I hear ya.
My family has had its share of challenges, some serious, a few tragic.
We worry about the future of our adult disabled daughter.
But we’ve been fortunate to have personal and professional support and are “ok”.
For now. I am thankful.</p>
<p>It IS sad to see, even though everyone is doing what they can, that outcomes can be poor.</p>
<p>I appreciate the reminder to take time to be grateful and to be compassionate to those who are facing challenges. bevhills, have you had your wedding yet?</p>
<p>The dancing starts on Friday next weekend! I have learned a lot about life, tradition and me during this process. We have different values then the other side. (Next weekend I won’t say “other side” we will be family.). I reeled in my need to control this process but give a budget, and refuse to go over it.) I appreciate the strengths in others (you should have seen the invitations!) I have learned that as a secular Jew I do know a lot…but not as mich as others. I understand that my husband’s toast will be a doozy…and his brother and his wife are coming (oy). This could be challenging…you know what “those people” can be like. That is us as the those people.</p>
<p>Lots of these families were “just like our family” private and public schools, lots of activities and parenting. There was a range of incomes which didn’t mean anything in terms of how the kids turned out. I also understand why grandparenting can be so wonderful. We are more relaxed. We delight in the little things and we can spoil grandchildren with our time. And no, I’m not there yet…a few of our friends have that joy.</p>
<p>When I was a special ed hearing officer, I learned that one of the things that Utah has that others don’t is the ability to keep youngsters in residential programs AND bring them back if they ran away. In HI, once you reach a certain age (I believe it was 16), you cannot be held against your will and if you run away from a residential treatment program or insist on being released, no one will fetch you back, even if you are on drugs, turning tricks or whatever. You could end up jailed for offenses but no mechanism of getting you returned to a program you decide for any reason you don’t want to attend.</p>
<p>In Utah, I believe parents can sign a kid up for a program until they turn 18 and they can be forced to be present and will be pursued and returned if they run away during the program. This was a reason that some folks wanted their kids in programs in Utah, so there would be a longer period of time to try to work with them before they were deemed adults and could leave the program if they chose.</p>
<p>bevhills, may “your” wedding bring less “mishugas” than ours did last weekend. And yes, we are lucky to have 3 wonderful kids. The worst we are facing is perhaps some fairly long-term unemployment for one of them.</p>
<p>All of our kids aren’t into their 20s or 30s yet. Going to a prestigious college is no protection against most of the bad things that you listed, and they really can happen at almost any time in a person’s life (including 40s/50s). </p>
<p>And yes, Utah is code for a kid in residential treatment. So many other states let kids check themselves out of drug or mental health centers at 16, even here in Texas. Many of the Utah treatment centers will even send personnel to come escort your out of control teen to their center.
The good and bad of all of this needs another thread…
Looking forward to wedding news from LA</p>
<p>Most of our kids have had great opportunities growing up. As 2VU0609 said, I am grateful for every day my children are healthy and happy. They have both had a few bumps along the way, but luckily nothing too tough. </p>
<p>momof3sons and bevhills - Please share wedding details when you can. I will be the mother of the bride in nine months. It is exciting and overwhelming. </p>
<p>Exciting about the upcoming weddings!!! Congratulations, Mazel Tov, etc…</p>
<p>Throughout my career I’ve worked with addicts of all ages, never in Utah, which is a whole other controversial story I will leave alone, and I can tell you that any addict who can get in recovery and stay in recovery will have a wonderful life. Truly. </p>
<p>Ten percent of the population will addict to something. It’s unavoidable. For many it will be alcohol and the consequences will come later in life, many times to those who are already parents. Very heartbreaking. But even they can have a wonderful life if they get and stay sober. </p>
<p>There are an estimated 23 million people in recovery in this country. This is a problem that has a solution. Many do not. </p>
<p>Enjoy the weddings with your kids!!! Be grateful there is hope available to those who need it, too. We’ve had at least two presidents and one presidents wife who got into recovery from addiction. It’s not a death sentence. </p>
<p>bevhills, we used to be kind of smug about our good fortune - “Look at how well our kids are turning out!” Then two of my three kids were struck with mental illness. And there was NOTHING in our family that suggested that would occur! No early childhood traumas. Stable family, parents happily married. So be careful about being self-congratulatory. :(</p>
<p>I’ve worked in several jobs where I’ve seen some of the bad things that can happen even when “good” parents do all the “right” things, and I’ve met people who shouldn’t even be alive due to their circumstances when they were young. Instead, they’ve thrived. I mentor someone like that right now. I think the real answer is, you really never know for sure. And I’m glad I’ve had a chance to know about those “other worlds”. It helps me make a difference when I can. </p>
<p>Maine-I know only a little of your struggle. I hope things get better for all of you.</p>
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