<p>As an educated stay at home mom, I don’t think any college education ever goes “wasted” if the young woman decides to raise her family instead of pursue a career in earnest. I believe that a college education gives young people confidence and abilities in addition to all the knowledge gained that cannot be measured in $$ but can be applied to successful parenting skills and life in general.
However, I had not considered how I would feel as a parent footing the bill for my child to go to a high cost college only to finish school with no professional career as a goal. This is a legitimate concern of parents with the pocketbooks. But…once the grandchildren are on the way - do you really want some stranger raising your “next generation?”</p>
<p>Well, I do have another one. 19, cute, not lazy, but shy. Now if only us parents could just arrange marriages for our kids the way we’ve arranged everything else, we’d be complete. Wouldn’t mind one of those Ivy League or actually any school smart girls for the boys! Can’t we just take care of all this online for them?</p>
<p>And no, indianaivy, I would be happy if the perfect wife and mother could raise my grandchildren. I just am thinking of my situation and others…putting so much money into private education when maybe they could have done just as well in life, got a great education, and been just as happy for $450K less. There are some amazing public schools. Now my kid is thinking about changing his major from one that was practically a guaranteed great job (computer science) to economics. And I’m wondering if it was worth it for this elite educational experience, when the local public school could have been just as good for that major. How do you ever figure out if it was the right choice?</p>
<p>Moms, You had D’s. I have S.
(non ivy please.)</p>
<p>I have 2 daughters. My view has changed on what I would like for them. When they were under 10, I really envied moms who could afford to stay home to be with their children. I thought to myself, “Oh, it would be nice for my girls to marry someone someday who could afford to let them stay home to raise their family.” I no longer feel that way any more, not since I have seen so many divorces among my friends, even ones still happily married are feeling aimless with their children leaving home. Many divorced friends are not necessary getting enough settlement to support them for the rest of their lives. Judges look at their credentials and determine they should be able to get a job to support themselves. Other SAHM may want to get a job now because they have more time, and working out/shopping just not enough to fill up their time. It doesn’t matter they had MBA or law degree from Wharton or Columbia, after 15-20 years out of work force it is just hard for them to get any meaningful work.</p>
<p>I would advise my daughters to have a career and a family. Don’t be afraid to slow down by working part time when kids are young, but don’t quite to stay home. It is both for their financial and mental well being. Never put family above career, but always have something that belongs only to them, don’t be so selfless in giving up everything for the family because at some point they’ll just be resentful.</p>
<p>I really hope SAHMs do not read this post and think I am trying to say stay at home to raise family is not a worthwhile work. It is the opposite. I think SAHMs give up too much, at the end may not always be what’s best for them when they get older.</p>
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<p>My kids were raised by “some stranger (s)” from the time they were 2.5 months old. Eight hours a day, as I worked full time. They are now in their 20s. At NO time were they ever in doubt as to who was mom and dad and whose values they were expected to uphold. If one feels so strongly about strangers raising one’s children, one should keep them at home and not send them to school where, heavens knows what teachers will be telling them what to think and how to behave!
Did I miss my children throughout the day? Of course. But I trusted in my own judgment in identifying daycare providers that were utterly reliable and loving. I give a lot of credit for helping my H and me raise two very fine children.</p>
<p>^^^
Agree. Good post,marite.</p>
<p>I think the first thing you learn as a parent is never to presume you know why another parent made the decision they made and never to second their decision. Different children have different parenting needs and different parents have different financial, professional and emotional needs.</p>
<p>Life is a marathon, not a sprint and many a 21 year old slacker has turned out fine.</p>
<p>I’m with you oldfort - although I assume you mis-typed with “never put family above career” - right? From an economic standpoint, I certainly recommend staying in the workforce. Divorce happens as does unemployment for primary breadwinner - mom OR dad. Too much at risk. Bad stuff happens. Don’t put your eggs in one basket. Things change. Save for a rainy day. The early bird gets the worm…insert one of many Aesop’s Fables lessons in here.
Although re:yabeyabe - truer words were never spoken.</p>
<p>I meant to say “never put career above family.”</p>
<p>I’m an All American Univesity Mom with a geeky average child in this moment. Two and a half years to go til hs graduation, but it seems fanatsy and reality are about to meet between what I lived and what she is willing to work towards to experinece. ~ As a very average hs sophmore I landed in a crowd of ivy leagures and lost at charades for lack of knowing that Roget is a thesarus author…your child will lead you to what they need to know to stay grounded and attached to you - and they will - but first they explore. Be who YOU are. My dad was raised on a farm in rural Nebraska by a widow through the depression. My mother was the eldest child of a self made man who had the good fortune and insight to be able to raise her in Beverly Hills, CA. ~ Your child will lead you. Stay who you are and let them be who they will be…we never lose our roots. Never.</p>
<p>I’m with you. The “turn” my life took as a parent was made better by the additional opportunities my education enabled me to be considered for. In the end, eating is about working - and education is education. It can be preparation, and frequently is but not always. The practicum of life is in living one, having one and working to keep one. I appreciate my family life more not by what I have given up to have it, as much as by what standards I have been able to choose to make it. ~ don’t forfeit investing yourself in your family. You can’t “buy” back that time and when you miss that formative moment with your kids, you can only hope that they are getting your values from wherever they have gone…at every age, your guidance is irreplaceable but readily interchangeable with another’s. I had my kid late in life and with thought. She is my legacy no matter what, or at least that’s what I have been taught about family.</p>
<p>Wow! With this being my first post to CC, I’m not sure if I can keep up with the responses! Lots of comments, + & -. Warm fuzzy “thank you’s” to those with the positive responses.</p>
<p>Yes, although I was “being nice”, it was not just for the sake of being nice.</p>
<p>IMO: In the nature vs. nurture debate, nature usually wins. Even still… nature doesn’t negate the “nurture” that goes into who we are. The emotions and experiences that we all have throughout childhood are provided by our unique combo of peers, parents, and circumstantial events. Each element impacts development. They determine whether the child develops the EQ / self-discipline to DO the work of getting the grades, passing the tests, earning the money, or doing whatever it takes to set a goal and achieve it. Goals aren’t limited to getting into fiercely competitive schools. It can be jobs, businesses, and/or excelling in other aspects of life.</p>
<p>Children benefit greatly from having a bright, attentive, conscientious parent or parents. The advantages are even greater when that motivating parent is SAH.</p>
<p>To the SAH parent, staying at home can be a massively selfless sacrifice, particularly if he/she is inherently career-driven.</p>
<p>I’m a newbie. Please accept my apologies in advance if I don’t have time to respond for a few days. FYI: I’m a stay at home dad with my own business. Time is tight. Since the discussion is compelling enough, I will check it periodically. Feel free to “friend” me if you would like to streamline the discussion.</p>
<p>The point that I’m indirectly agreeing with marite on is that what matters is the experiences the child has, whether it’s from a bio-parent, or someone else.</p>
<p>I know a dedicated SAHM who home-schooled her D through 4th grade. When she entered public school at 5th grade she maintained the highest math scores in California’s toughest school district. (Tangential subject there. The school district was California’s pilot program for a much tougher, stricter curriculum modeled after Asian schools. Loads of homework!) Someone else I know of home-schools 4 boys. Unfortunately, the dad is horrible… being abused himself as a kid, he now is both absentee and believes in routinely using the belt on his own sons. The couple’s otherwise normal kids are YEARS behind their peers academically and socially. Bad situation. The oldest being 14 years old and still has never spent a day in school, on the grounds that they are “home schooled”. If home schools were regulated more closely, that one would undoubtedly lose its accreditation. In that case, the kids would have been better off being raised by someone other than their own parents.</p>
<p>When I was a kid, I spent nearly as much time with a sitter whom my mother and I affectionately referred to as my “second mother” as I did my real mother. Dual-working parent households can and do nurture kids into becoming happy, healthy, motivated adults, particularly if they have SOMEONE present who’s really good with the kids.</p>