DD2 says I’m making a mountain out of a mole hill.
Situation: Niece “Cookie” has had a summer job, at a resort, for two summers and has met the same people. She became “involved” with a young man last year, first boyfriend situation. She met up with him again this past summer. You know the drill, she became pregnant. Young man says, “its not mine”. Niece is now pregnant and lives with her parents (my sister). First baby, first anything; baby shower invitations were sent out Jan 21 for a Feb 11th shower.
Nephew: Elmo (brother of Cookie) is married to Zoe who is also pregnant with their second child. Zoe sent out invitations to the same people no less than 3 days after Cookie’s invitations were sent. Zoe’s Shower is for late March. Niece is due in March.
When I spoke to several of the invitees this week, a couple of them mentioned that they were surprised to receive two invitations from the same household within a week’s time. Yes, Elmo and Zoe live with Cookie and her parents: my sister’s house. Zoe and Elmo can’t afford to rent their own place.
I was also surprised, but saddened because the invitation from Zoe appeared to intentionally have been sent to seem to undermine “Cookie’s” event. This is what was relayed to me by neighbors and family.
Zoe, with the first pregnancy, invited about 60 people/acquaintances and it was standing room only at my sister’s house. She later mentioned that she wanted to invite as many people as possible in order to get as much “baby stuff as she could”. I don’t know how to feel about that.
Question: How far in advance do people send out baby shower invitations? Most of the people who contacted me felt awkward and wanted to ask about Zoe’s intentions. I didn’t know how to answer or if I needed to give a response.
“When I spoke to several of the invitees this week, a couple of them mentioned that they were surprised to receive two invitations from the same household within a week’s time.”
Well, I’m a tad surprised folks would voice this concern, two different pregnant women, two different babies. I also know it is more of a custom to have a baby shower for a 1st born since the parent(s) are starting from scratch. It is also normally friends or sometimes family that hosts a baby shower, not the pregnant mom herself, so Zoe has kind of stepped on the etiquette rules here.
If it was me, my response would be something like “This is Cookie’s first child and, given the circumstances, won’t it be great to get her and baby off on a solid start? I’m looking forward to her shower, the baby’s arrival and a being supportive great Aunt!”. I wouldn’t even mention Zoe at all. Let your statement about one and your silence on the other address the issue.
While I agree with @doschicos about the appropriate way to handle it… I’m surprised that Zoe (and maybe Cookie) are scheduling their own baby showers and sending out invitations. I though the basic etiquette of a baby shower was that it would be hosted by someone other than the mom-to-be. (???)
Can you explain why some people feel ‘awkward’ about the situation? Not sure I understand that.
With regard to timing, there is no really set rule for sending out invites. For weddings, the rule of thumb is 6 weeks, but baby showers are much more casual. That being said, it does seem like Cookie’s invites were sent out on the late side and Zoe’s were sent out on the early side causing some perceived conflict. I do agree with others that hosting your own shower is odd, and could be perceived as just trolling for gifts versus celebrating a milestone. And a lot of people do not have big baby showers for the 2nd baby. Zoe may have a fair amount of people turn down her invite because of this and that is certainly the guest’s choice to make.
Baby showers for second children are certainly less common and often referred to as “sprinkles” - more of an opportunity to gather and celebrate than to support the economy. I like @doschicos suggestion on how to respond.
If it were me and I felt obligated to attend Zoe’s, I would plan on getting something small and treating it as a celebration of the new baby, rather than a need to buy more stuff for someone who doesn’t need it. I would share my plans with those who asked. Or you could give your actual baby gift there.
I think, under the circumstances, supporting Cookie is important, and I would emphasize that to anyone who asks. There is likely to be a little more judgment about her situation, and this is a nice way to signal support.
Guessing your sister, not the moms to be, is the host.
Wow, times have changed. People hosting their own baby showers? I was always told even the mom shouldn’t host a shower. Showers for babies after #1? Only if there was a big gap in between the last baby and the new one.
That said, of course, I would happily go to a shower hosted by the woman who is pregnant (or hosted by her mom). I would go to a baby shower for a woman who is not married (believe me, THAT one was an issue in our extended family years ago). But … I would pass on the baby shower for baby #2 if baby #1 is still young (that one seems a bit greedy).
Baby showers in my area are generally put on towards the end of pregnancy, maybe 7 or 8 months in and are given by a good friend/sister/sometimes Mom. Its bad manners IMHO to host your own shower. A shower for a second baby usually only takes place if there are several years between the babies, but a small party once the sex is known is usually thrown by a friend to get specific gender items.
This does seem to be a new thing. I was recently invited to a co-worker’s bridal shower which she was hosting and who freely admitted she invited a lot of people in order to rake in a lot of gifts. I sent a gift but made up an excuse not to attend because I had a hard time getting over the tackiness. For showers, I was taught that the shower should not be hosted by any immediate family member (which would certainly include the mom-to-be herself). That etiquette seems to be outdated as almost anything goes now. However, I still feel like a shower hosted by the mom-to-be is just an outright way of asking for presents without really caring who attends. As far as how to handle this particular situation, I would just stay out of it and give a very neutral response to anyone who brings it up. After all, you have nothing to do with the planning of these showers. I’m not surprised by 2 showers from the same household as they are 2 different families. I am surprised at the moms hosting their own showers and that Zoe is hosting one for a 2nd child. As a relative, I would attend both, shy away from any questions, and be there to support your poor sister.
In the world where I grew up, it was inconceivable a family member would host a shower. As far as I know that world is pretty much gone.
I can’t exactly put myself in your shoes because none of my sisters or sisters-in-law would allow this in their home, even though it seems correct these days according to multiple web sites. I guess I’d just focus on the babies. “We are so excited” Period. End of discussion.
What bothers me, as a potential guest, would be feeling I had to gift the two young women equally. I would probably give comparable shower gifts, but privately give Cookie a nice check.
Generally, any gift I give at a shower would be mentally considered in deciding what gift to give at the birth of the baby or at a wedding. Most of the showers I have attended have been largely family and very close family friends and are an opportunity to just gather and celebrate more than any gift grab. Gifts tend to be LOTS of cute items but rarely anything very expensive.
I do feel sorry for my sister. “Maria” (is Maria still on Sesame Street?). She has too many people living with her in her house.
Her son “Elmo” dropped out of his UC; he has employment, but in California, with our rents/mortgages, both need to work. Zoe refuses to work, hence part of the reason for them living with my sister,
Cookie’s shower is being hosted by her elder sister. Cookie is still working as an admin. asst and is miserable with the weight and swelling of her legs and feet.
Zoe is hosting her own shower. I was surprised that there would be a second shower but because this child is supposed to be male, they need boy items and coordinating colors.
There is no room in that house for the large furniture items that both gals are requesting on their registries. Cookie doesn’t have anything. Elmo and Zoe’s child is about 18 months and still uses her crib.
DD says I should just “go with the flow, give them their registered presents and diapers, and stay away from the gossiping relatives” of which I happen to be one of them! Gonna stick with that and @doschicos suggestions!
Cookie’s Shower is on Saturday.
You’re daughter is a smart young woman, @“aunt bea” .
“miserable with the weight and swelling of her legs and feet”
Not that you asked , but I assume she is getting regular prenatal care. Swelling can be a sign of pregnancy induced hypertension (preeclampsia). Tell her to eat A LOT of watermelon and cucumbers - especially the seeds and especially the watermelon seeds. It might help with the water retention in a natural, unharmful way. Having been through that myself, I know how uncomfortable it is.
I don’t think it’s that unusual for a child to sleep in the crib until they feel ready to transition to a bed. We got S out of his crib shortly before his sister was born. We gave back the crib when we moved from an apartment to a house when D was just over 2 years old and she kept walking around the house looking for her crib. Poor baby!
I agree that “going with the flow” is a good plan. I really feel for the mom of these adults that are having families. Many times personalities can clash with so many families being raised under one roof. I definitely would NOT supply more gossip for the mill.
That is all.
, but I assume she is getting regular prenatal care. Swelling can be a sign of pregnancy induced hypertension (preeclampsia). Tell her to eat A LOT of watermelon and cucumbers - especially the seeds and especially the watermelon seeds. It might help with the water retention in a natural, unharmful way. Having been through that myself, I know how uncomfortable it is.