I am really wondering about these all female showers., as I wrote before. What kid of message does it give about who does the parenting? I may be particularly aware of this because my EX husband did very little parenting.
On that issue, I will make a card saying "To (father) and (mother) and sign it from me, my excluded daughters and my son!
I’m going to offer a dissenting opinion, I think.
Get out of the weeds.
Send a present or don’t. Sign it from everyone or don’t. Go or don’t. I wouldn’t expend a lot of energy on why someone is doing what they are doing and who is invited and who is paying. If I liked the mother-to-be, I’d show up with a present. If the shower feels too stressful for whatever reason, I’d send a present but forgo the party.
Personally, this is one reason that I moved from my hometown and family of origin. Too much drama.
I don’t think my daughter (s) would play along with a female only baby shower. I think she would say “no thanks”.
I’ve been to both kinds of showers. I’ve been to female only and I’ve been to parents-to-be showers.
I prefer the female-only showers. In the female only showers, there’s a lot of advice and a lot of practical things that evolve during the shower. That’s not to say that advice wasn’t given at the Parents to be showers, but, Great-grandma’s soft voice can be heard at the “typical” shower.
Also, a lot of the guests may not be on the same email or text chains. I went to a “typical” shower where the conversation centered around the six weeks after delivery. The husband was going to be out of town, and was trying to reschedule the travel but it didn’t look good. One of the ladies spoke of starting a meal train and nap time/babysitting and “help with laundry” schedule and she collected emails of interested guests.
These were different than the parent showers where it was more of a wine and cheese event.
It was a completely different dynamic. I saw a number of parents, elder aunts and relatives who appeared uncomfortable with it. These folks didn’t get out too often, but relished being around younger people and thought “baby shower”.
For some of them, it was not a “typical” baby shower. A lot of their gifts were handmade, unique and beautiful. I don’t mean to generalize, but women typically see details and know the amount of time, effort, and love that goes into those kinds of handmade gifts. Sometimes, a Baby shower is more for the elder giver to see their handiwork passed onto another generation.
So TMI, I would just get a gift, put everybody’s name on it, take it or ship it, and you’re done.
Family gatherings such as this give me a ton of anxiety. The last one I had a big anxiety attack.
My husband is a huge obligation guy. You show up for family whether you want to or not. He doesn’t have anxiety and doesn’t particularly understand it.
So it helps me to type out and communicate my thoughts and feelings. Maybe more than some want.
That’s the beauty of an anonymous forum. I get to muse about my situation. People are free to scroll on by. It’s easy to do. Trust me.
My daughter in law had a baby shower in December. They had a gift registry and gifts were sent to their home, most unwrapped. She did not open gifts at the shower. Maybe check whether or not mom to be will be openng gifts at the shower.
Have fun!
That was the case with the last bridal shower I went to, bride and groom lived 4+ hours away from the shower location, so gifts were shipped to their home. I think I prefer all women and the tradition, a little Red Tent going on.
My daughter in law’s recent baby shower was all female, hosted by her good college friend (who was also one of her bridesmaids). My son and his father in law showed up only toward the end of the shower.. (they went to lunch together). The shower was at their DC home which is not big. There were ablut 20 guests. Adding son’s friends would have been chaotic and changed the dynamic.
They will be opening gifts. But they asked that large gifts be sent to the mom to be home. I’m not getting one large present.
Of interest to only me and maybe I should have put this in the day it here
Tomorrow is the baby shower.
Today my in laws got a call from my ex sister in law. Apparently today is the day they found out that they missed inviting my daughter in law.
There are 5 cousins. 2 on my niece’s father’s side.
I don’t know why they bothered to call (not me) today.
The gift is from all members of my family, invited and not
The person they should be calling is your DIL. With apologies, sincere or not!
My mil keeps telling me that my dil should be happy she wasn’t invited. She didn’t have to buy a gift. Of course I bought a gift from all of us.
My issue is that she wasn’t important enough to remember to invite.
This is my shy and awkward kids. My dil would probably not come because she lives out of state. Her mom lives close so maybe.
Now I get to pretend that it was ok to forget to invite her. Lovely.
One of the reasons I hate to entertain is because I’m afraid of not inviting someone. For my 50th my 15 year old actually threw me a surprise party, without a lot of help from H. Family, my childhood friends, my college friends, and friend circles (several different ones). I don’t know how she did it. Unfortunately, one good friend (kind of a mom friend group, but several of us have no kids in common, became friends regardless of our kids’ friend groups) was left out, which I realized later that week (because it was a fear of mine). I apologized on behalf ofmy daughter (my daughter didn’t know her kids at all, different grades and gender). To this day, my daughter has no idea (and now my daughter knows her very well, they moved next door). None of the other women in the group ever mentioned it to me.
I know you are trying to be nice.
This is more if your daughter had forgotten to invite one of your siblings.
I understand that some people have 40 first cousins. You are close to some and not to others. But it’s a very small family.
My sil also invited us 2 days before her firstborns christening. Do I think her sister got invited 2 day before? My husband has one sibling, that sibling was in the middle of his surgical residency. They weren’t talking everyday.
The same sil would invite my in laws to their vacation home in the car on Friday on the way to the cottage. Oops, I’ve been meaning to call you this week. This is very much her MO
I apologize, I’m grumpy today. I really hate these things
I gave myself a birthday gift last year- not to care. And it’s been the best gift I ever gave myself.
I am no longer the camp counselor, cruise director, guidance counselor to my friends, family, H’s family. Who gets invited or not, who can’t afford the plane ticket, who wants to bring a plus-one but wasn’t given a plus-one… not my circus, not my monkeys. The outrage over a wedding invite which says “Black tie”- that’s so rude for people who don’t own fancy clothes. Hey, take a shower, brush your teeth, wear the most presentable thing you own or can borrow from a friend- but I will no longer grind my teeth with you for weeks over the audacity of someone stipulating a dress code. Bridal shower is outdoors in a climate where it rains almost every day in April? bring an umbrella or stay home. I don’t make the weather, and I didn’t organize this party.
Toxic sister in law? Yup, I’ve got that. Cousin who pretends not to meddle but who is behind every family rumor or conspiracy? Yup. Both genders.
I simply don’t care. I do my best to be kind and generous without expecting anything in return, but when someone slights me or my H or someone in my family my stock response is “wow, that must be hurtful” and I refuse to engage or let it take over my brain.
What a gift. People do dumb-$%^& things all the time and I learned (via therapy of course) that I was spending a LOT of mental energy trying to figure out if they were mean, just thoughtless, it was an innocent mistake, an oversight, intentional… you name it.
When you stop-- it all stops. The drama, the energy, the he said/she said- it just evaporates!
Yes, same!!!
The most wonderful thing.
No more drama, so much less stress, and I sleep easier, and don’t dread things bc I simply go and enjoy, or choose not to go if I think/know I won’t enjoy whatever it is.
It feels darn good. 
I’m with you on the “not going to things even if other people think I should”.
I come from a family where showing up is a major litmus test/sign of loyalty. Well and good. But there is so much “mission creep” in that. If you went to little Tommy’s spring concert (two hour drive, an hour to find a parking space, two hour home) how can you miss little Madeline’s Brownie fly-up ceremony where she’s getting a citizenship award (even MORE driving, worse parking, and you know there won’t be so much as a cup of coffee at the award reception). And then the “lifecycle events” (which have different math entirely since there’s usually a plane ticket, hotel associated with those), only some of which the celebrant even wanted you invited-- but got family pressure to do so because “Blossom went to little Tommy’s spring concert and you won’t even thank her by inviting her to your college graduation so she can sit in the sun for 6 hours?” I know the graduate- he wants a $25 dollar gift card to Uber Eats and for you to stay home so he can spend his last few hours with his bros from Delta Zeta Alpha, not entertaining his aunt!
Agree 10000% with @blossom but will add one thing.
What is the common denominator here? Your rude/thoughtless SIL. This isn’t about you or your in-laws or your dd. Your SIL gets off on trying to control people and being a mean girl. That says lots about her and nothing about y’all. It’s a her thing. Don’t play her game and give her any energy. I know, easier said than done, but it gets easier with practice.
I’m going to sign off from this.
Apparently me caring is a problem
Nobody suggested you caring is a problem. And nobody is looking to find problems where none exist.
we are sharing our own coping strategies for the sister-in-law who “forgets” and then makes it someone else’s issue; the brother-in-law who is too busy to help with anything, but always has time to criticize, and the wide range of other relatives who drive us all nuts. Usually because they are quick to make their own screwups your responsibility to fix in some way.
If my experience (stop engaging with the toxic ones; don’t show up for the painful family or friend gatherings) isn’t relevant for you- then they aren’t relevant. But if my new strategy could work for you- hey, you never know.