People have a right to express feelings without being told not to feel them, in my view.
My two daughters were not invited to a baby shower hosted by my brother’s wife. They were apparently forgotten. My kids don’t care so that helps a lot.
I did go- and the differences in lifestyle and “vibe” between our families is so vast, that that also helped. It was crowded- maybe 50 women inside, all talking loudly and all wearing perfume, to which I am allergic. I lasted 30 minutes and went home to wash the perfume off asap, with a horrible headache. I gave them a nice present and made a nice card with a painting on the front so at least I tried.
I would say, though, that this was in a way a chance to really understand how peripheral my own family is in their world. @deb922 sorry you are having a similar experience.
While sometimes the lack of an invite is intended, there are times when it is either an over sight or a lost invitation.
When I send out an invitation, I always make them as RSVP, and not Regrets only, as I want to make sure the intended received their invitation. Invitations get lost in the mail, and evites end up in spam, or addressed incorrectly.
My niece (married to my husband’s step brother’s son) had a baby shower. We are all local, see each other for family dinners and events regularly, and everyone likes each other. I get a call from another niece on a Saturday morning, asking if I wanted to ride together to the shower, as we live near each other. I had no idea what she was talking about as I was not invited. I just assumed at that time that only the younger generation was included. Well, my nephew called me later that afternoon, embarrassed and apologetic. Seems there was a typo in my email address and the invite must have gone to someone else as I believe it showed it was opened. Had the person hosting bother to contact those that didn’t reply, I would have know about the shower and attended. My nephew is still haunted by the mistake!
@Mjkacmom Correct, but some invitations are regrets only, so the sender will assume if no reply, the guest is coming. This is why I hate regrets only as the host.
It seems like RSVPing of any kind, has gone by the wayside. I don’t know if it’s generational or what.
I planned my MIL’s surprise 80th a couple of years ago. My DH is Italian - his extended family is massive. I had to cut off the invites at some branch of the family tree or it was in danger of costing in the realm of my daughter’s wedding reception.
It was a year’s worth of drama about the invites from my DH and BIL. DH wanted to invite all of these extraneous people who I didn’t think were a necessary invite (many from OOT who wouldn’t come anyway. I did real paper invites and save-the-dates so there was a significant expense involved in each invite). My BIL took it upon himself to call and invite people who weren’t on the list but who he thought should be there. The drama continued all the way through the party weekend. I still have PTSD from it. Thankfully my MIL had a wonderful time and was unaware of the drama until afterwards.
Not at all. I applaud you for sticking up for your DIL. Sadly, we can’t change how other people behave but you have every right to feel the way you do. I’m sure your DIL appreciates how much you care.
It was a grueling 14 hour day. Ended up being 10 hours of driving and 4 hours at the shower. I’m delighted it’s done with.
Got 2 compliments on my outfit, that was a win!
My ex sil studiously avoided talking to me, she hates being called out on her mistakes, which was fine with me. It’s always awkward dealing with her family after being family members for 30+ years.
An aside, why does my 88 year old mil now say every thought that pops into her mind. At one point she said the father to be had a dumb last name, we were sitting next to his sister!
Glad it’s over with no significant day of drama. Too bad it was such a long drive - you guys are awesome relatives for making the journey. Of course you looked great! Nothing you can do about the SIL, except be happy you don’t have to be around her often.
I went to a baby shower yesterday. My GF had 3! Parties for her other daughter, baby shower, gender reveal, and baby naming. I’m sure she will do the same for this daughter.
This daughter did not open gifts. She will probably not like anything, unless it was on the registry. I had bought her two outfits, and my GF went with me to exchange for a baby towel.
The other daughter is more outgoing and friendly.
After all these parties, plus the weddings, I’m getting to know the other older guests. Some of us find it boring to sit through an hour of games. None of us did this in the “old” ages.
I wasn’t expecting the baby naming party, so I didn’t bring another gift.
In the old days, a new baby was announced un the synagogue. My friend hired her cantor (whom she has known 40+ years), but it was in a venue.
People roll differently, but I do think not inviting your DIL was rude.
A few thoughts:
In D’s group of friends baby showers always include both parents. Perhaps because this is in a large metro area there is less “tradition”?
I never had a family shower with either of my pregnancies. Just a small shower with friends and a shower at work with my first and none with my second. That’s it.
OTOH - H comes from a family that loves to get together and celebrate every/any chance they get. We are the only ones who do not live nearby so we frequently get invited/send gifts but no way can we attend.
For example: one niece announced her engagement/spring wedding at Christmas. Between then and the wedding there were at least 3 showers (I was invited to 1 and H and I were invited to a second one) as well as an “engagement party”. The engagement party is not a “thing” in the rural midwest area and I had honestly never heard of that until I read about it on cc! A month or so after the wedding, the couple announced a baby coming in 6 or 7 months (no shaming, I think it’s NBD) and that set off another round of celebrations - multiple showers, gender reveal, than a party when baby was born and then a baptismal party. I was tired just thinking about all that! Nothing wrong with that, but a lot.
This niece is pretty particular. As a rule I don’t usually buy clothes for a baby shower because they get lots of clothes and they are a personal choice.
She did open gifts but I don’t think she wanted to and opened them the last 20 minutes of the 4 hour shower!
I bought 2 things off her registry and a mat for under a high chair that was recommended in the grandparent post here.
I bought my granddaughter the stroller from their registry for the baby shower. My sil bought the stroller and my bil bought the car seat, they are divorced.
The difference was that my kids asked for a graco stroller, my niece registered for a Nuna. Only around $400 more expensive, my niece is a label person, my dil is not. Niece likes beige so stroller is beige.
I was not going to buy the $300 beige baby carrier, that was a hill I wasn’t going to climb
Just curious, if gift opening at the end only took 20 minutes, what was happening the other 3 hours and 40 minutes!!?
I will admit that unless it’s a huge shower where this becomes very cumbersome, I sort of like the old tradition of opening gifts at a baby shower. I’d rather watch that than play games! And if they don’t open the gifts I feel like why don’t we just have a drive through baby shower and drop off the gifts to the parents to be and say “good luck”!
The last shower I went to was more of a luncheon. Assigned seating, multi course plated meal (it was very good), open bar (I was the designated driver by choice, but fancy cocktails were flowing), I was fortunate to know at least a dozen women, including several close friends. It was bridal and the wedding was 4 hours away, so got to meet others going to the wedding weekend. The couple lived 4 hours away so gifts would not be practical. I do prefer baby gifts over bridal gifts if I have to watch them being opened.
It was in a room at a restaurant, not a fancy one.
We stood around for more than an hour, the restaurant was a bit out of the way so I suspect some misjudged how long it would take to get there.
We ate brunch. You could order alcohol, I don’t know who did. It was quite cool in Michigan on Saturday, lots of coffee was consumed. Too many courses for the brunch but that is my sil, she always has tons of food.
There was one craft, there were cards to write advice on and there was one trivia game. Mostly we continued to sit around. When I thought it was almost over and the father to be’s family had left, they opened presents. Then it felt like a dash to get it all done and out of there.
D1 is expecting her first (a girl) in October. Her MIL in CT wants to give her a baby shower in early July as D1 told her she did not want to travel across the country any later in her pregnancy. D1’s MIL is also giving a baby shower for her other DIL who is due in August. This shower will be in June and D1 and SIL will travel from CA to CT for it. D1 asked if they could just have a combined shower in June instead of having to travel again in July. Unfortunately D1’s SIL did not like the idea of sharing her shower so that was scratched. This same SIL is also having 2 additional baby showers.
I was happy that when D1 and SIL did the gender reveal it was just a get together with H, myself and D2 along with SIL’s parents who were out here visiting. I’m glad my D is not buying into all of these celebrations for every moment in life. Just my personal opinion.
Baby gifts are so cute! It’s such a fun time! Brings back memories.
The baby got a sleeper that had magnet closures. The father to be was so delighted, he kept holding it up, opening and closing! It was cute!
I have to admit that I disliked the wedding shower. The bridal couple wanted money Venmo to them to help pay for the honeymoon. I think since I know the parents of the bride paid for the wedding.
My daughter asked for no gifts at her bridal shower/ bachelorette combo since people were paying for the Airbnb
