<p>In essence whether her family solicits on her behalf or she solicits on her behalf, I see no real difference in the end. Hopefully she is inviting family and friends that want to share in her happy occasion. I just think we need to throw-out all the judgement. I find all of these smoke and mirrors and formalities to be limiting. My hope would be that the attendees are close enough to her so as not to judge her decisions in this area.</p>
<p>In my family and group of friends, it is normal for the bride’s mother or pregnant woman’s mother to throw both bridal shower and baby shower. These are relatively small, low key events inviting close family and close friends only. Maybe a room in a restaurant booked for a lunch buffet, or lunch at someones house if they have the space. You would not throw a shower for yourself, and you only get one baby shower for first baby-- though close relatives may send gifts anyway for later children. If my mom didn’t throw my shower, no one else would throw one-- and would be bewildered that my mom isn’t, it’s what is expected. Different strokes I guess. Sometimes weird situations come into play, too. My mom and sister are “co-hosting” my bridal shower, since my sister wanted to host but is 20, broke, and could absolutely not handle throwing an adult party by herself. My mom didn’t even want her to handle the RSVPs and did not want the entire family calling my sister grilling her for information. Everyone expected my mom to do it anyway, it is just what’s done.</p>
<p>Something I have learned from planning my wedding is that while certain things are tacky, it is also tacky to drag people into arguments to preach to them that they are being tacky. In my family’s case, EVERYONE believes it is mom’s responsibility to host bridal shower or baby shower for her grandchild-- I think it is less tacky to do what is normal and expected to my audience than it is to lecture them all about what Miss Manner’s says about their family traditions. That’s not my place.</p>
<p>If I knew this girl, I’d wince at her planning her own shower, but I understand that it might be painful for her if nobody else will host for her, so I am sympathetic even if I don’t approve. If I were close enough to her that it would be appropriate, I would offer to host it for her with her input about what she wants. If she were hellbent on hosting herself, and she was a good friend, I’d probably raise an eyebrow but I’d still go. If not a good friend, I’d not go and let the matter drop if it’s so offensive, not worth holding onto. Even if I don’t approve it isn’t as though I’d be mortally offended, this is small potatoes to me. It says something about the girl, I think, if she knows this is inappropriate and is determined to do it anyway even when others have offered to host, but that something isn’t important enough for me to get in a snit about it.</p>
<p>I don’t think they need to judge her as a bad person. At the same time, they don’t need to pretend that this isn’t a blatant gift grab, because it is. I would feel the same if a person hosted a birthday party for themselves and provided you with an Amazon wish list. </p>
<p>I often roll my eyes at people who insist one must live their lives according to Miss Manners’ dictates. However, I disagree that people can behave however they want and everyone is forbidden to notice if it is lacking in tact or consideration. “Anything goes” is no worse to me than Rigid “You MUST.” </p>
<p>I think it depends on the circumstances–and who is invited. Immediate family and very close friends? People she KNOWs would give her a baby gift with/without a shower? I wouldn’t be so quick to judge. 300 people who are her facebook friends? A different story. </p>
<p>Oh boy, this is just silly. Obviously the most important thing is that a beautiful new life is being celebrated. Who really cares who is hosting the party? Every shower is a gift giving occasion, so I guess all showers are just a ploy to get gifts? If so, fine by me. Most people I know are happy to contribute to starting the new baby/family off on this exciting chapter. I say go, have a cup of punch, and shower mom and baby to be with love and support. </p>
<p>I’ve never heard of anyone giving themselves a shower or any sort. It usually falls to the family members on either side or to close friends. Actually as Jews, traditionally we don’t believe in baby showers or bringing anything into the house before the baby is born so this does not come up much. It is customary to have a registry or in our area, the crib and car seats are all ordered to be picked up/delivered upon the birth of the baby which of course involves lots of running around for the new father or the parents/in-laws but it seems to work out without much difficulty. </p>
<p>I agree with Ema that it’s not polite to correct any adult or point out their etiquette transgressions unless asked for advice. But I also agree with consolation that in reality I might say something as an explanation for my offer to host in this instance. It would just really depend on the closeness and nature of the relationship. Some people feel strongly that they can never, ever give unsolicited advice even to their own adult children. </p>
<p>Speaking of Miss Manners, you are all correct that she maintains the traditional view: </p>
<p><a href=“http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/miss-manners-extravagant-showers-are-burden-for-both-hosts-and-guests/2012/07/03/gJQASgANpW_story.html”>http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/miss-manners-extravagant-showers-are-burden-for-both-hosts-and-guests/2012/07/03/gJQASgANpW_story.html</a></p>
<p>However, not everyone agrees: </p>
<p><a href=“http://www.emilypost.com/social-life/celebrations-through-life/575-baby-showers-who-hosts”>http://www.emilypost.com/social-life/celebrations-through-life/575-baby-showers-who-hosts</a></p>
<p>The OP asked for opinions about the subject of women giving themselves parties intended to generate gifts. No one is calling up the hostess to give her a hard time. This has nothing to do with whether or not giving birth is a joyous occasion, and it’s not about antiquated notions of social behavior. The OP asked a question, and we are giving our opinions. I personally think it’s crass to host a baby shower for yourself. I just do. Just as would think it would be crass to have any kind of party for oneself where the central aspect of the party is to sit down and receive bounty from the guests. Others are free to disagree and host their own birthday parties, baby showers, wedding showers, bachelorette parties, etc. as they see fit. There’s certainly nothing stopping anyone who thinks anything goes these days.</p>
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<p>I had never heard that. Good to know.</p>
<p>In our family, we all agree it would be in poor taste to host a shower for yourself or even for your mom to throw a shower for you. If you are only inviting closest relatives, it is fine for an aunt or other close relative to be the hostess. I have thrown showers (both wedding and later baby) for my niece (helping our D and her cousins to do so). It was fun and very joyous. All those attending gave nice gifts at the shower and again upon the birth of the baby. Several of us aunties combined to give a deluxe stroller/car seat combo (which was exchanged for a different model by the happy couple). My niece would never have considered throwing her own shower and was very surprised when her office also threw her a wedding shower and later a baby shower.</p>
<p>If I were invited to a shower thrown by the person being honored, I would think it unusual but attend or not, depending on whether I wanted to participate.</p>
<p>I think some of us are stuck on proper social mores and manners, because they are in a sense our “religion.” Most of these rules probably have traditional Protestant origins. So those of us raised with those <em>practices</em> feel they are ingrained somewhat, even if we are no longer religious at all. Thus when a social more is violated, it feels <em>wrong</em> in a way that is sometimes difficult to explain. </p>
<p>Then again, maybe I am overthinking this. :)</p>
<p>OP- Have you asked her why she wants to host the shower herself? </p>
<p>Life is hard sometimes- I agree with Shellz that the birth of a baby is a beautiful and joyous occasion. There are lots of different ways to slice a pie. Please accept her decision to host. Maybe there are things you just don’t understand. </p>
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<p>I don’t know. My feeling is that etiquette and manners is really more about consideration of feelings. Most “rules” of etiquette" are in place as a way to ensure harmonious socialization. It certainly isn’t the end of the world if someone throws themselves a party. It’s just awkward and reflects poorly on that person, IMO, anyway. </p>